cowardly meme-ing, part one
1. i just keep thinking, "you could do better." but, then again, i don't know all the details. as smart and fabulous and cool as you are, there must be something there that keeps you coming back for more. i guess i can understand the attraction at some level. i also recognize that i'm not even remotely close to being objective about this.
2. i don't understand your need to be perpetually miserable. time after time, i've watched you reject opportunities to feel good about yourself and reject people who care about you because they won't tow the party line of how much everything sucks for you. you say that you want things to be different, but i don't believe it anymore. i don't think anything scares you more than the possibility of getting what you keep asking for. if you really want things to change, stop wasting all your energy thrashing around in victimization and *do something* to make things better.
3. you have the most amazing press machine i've ever seen. regardless of how you treat people, everyone still sings your praises. maybe that's why so many think of you as a god. i really want to like you, but i just can't get over how cavalier and callous you can be. you wield all sorts of crazy power, but you don't seem to realize how much damage you can do. oh, hell, maybe i'm just jealous because i don't rate an invitation to your ultra-exclusive club. i feel foolish when i think of you, because i still care what you think of me and i don't think i'll ever measure up.
4. you dropped the ball. you sold out and went with the party line. i didn't expect it of you. not that i thought you were perfect, but i did believe that you understood what the stakes were. i don't trust many people, but i trusted you. when it got right down to it, though, you weren't any different from any of the others. you didn't stand up for me and fight the good fight. what makes my heart ache the way it does about the whole thing is that i thought we meant more to each other than that. what i've realized since then is that you are just as wounded as i am. you may not have had the fight in you, even if you wanted it to be there. heck, you're probably just as hurt by my reaction as i was by your action. i wonder if we'll ever get over it.
5. every once in a while, i feel like i'm making inroads with you, then it all fades away like smoke. not that anything particularly good or bad has happened between us. it's just that i can't seem to find any purchase. are you afraid of me? do you think i'm just too weird or bizarre or extreme to get to know? i won't deny my quirkiness or intensity, but i'm pretty sure i'm not dangerous. i wish i knew some other tricks so we could get to know each other better.
6. i envy your love. i admire your strength. i appreciate your friendship. i wish we could spend more time together.