I call this one: "The Longie"
Today went by quickly and happily. I didn't have to ring through groceries, I didn't have to ask 'how are you today?' to ANYONE, exCEPT for the ones that I wanted to. To them, I did ask. Last week I was home and I got to spend quality time with my Mom, my aunt and my grandmother. I guess it seems totally nerdy to find two very close friends in a mother and her sister..but there's a trust there.
I sure do miss a lot of people. I miss Brock even more than I thought I did. Last weekend I woke up after a pretty okay sleep and felt sad that I've lost touch with people I really enjoy spending time with, which led to me re-evaluating how I've treated friends who've moved away from me. I've been a shitty person to every last one of them. Which means that tonight I'll be sending a lot of emails and apologies, not expecting reconciliation, but I guess hoping for it. Stop me if you've heard this one before. I know I ride the 'apologetic/transformation/self-deprecating' train a bit too often. And then I transfer onto the 'critical of others actions and traits that I find in myself and dislike even moreso in them' train. I know I do that. It's no secret to me.
I guess I'm realizing that life doesn't have to be about all that analytical bullshit. One doesn't need to evaluate their own life at the expense of judging others. The goal here is to live. Survival of the fittest, AND YET: do unto others the patience and acceptance you hope to receive. The reason why life seemed so carefree and wonderful when I was a kid is because it was. Any of the trappings that I find I'm dealing with now are pretty much self-inflicted. When you really examine it, there isn't one of us that really hasn't hurt themselves (even if marginally) by either aiming to, or succeeding in taking a stab at someone else.
This snowball effect that is my inherent desire to be accepted, to be thought funny, to get attention...it's awful. I seriously don't want that anymore. And it's embarrassing to admit that it's part of who I am. But there it is. C.M. Freeman, in the flesh. I'm 10 parts tears, 20 parts fears, and the remaining 70 I'm pretty sure I haven't figured out yet. I could go ahead and blame being afraid of who I am and being intimidated by what others really think of me on years upon years of people being bad to other people, because so much of me believes that we have evolved into monsters, and that we weren't always like this. But I think in the grand scheme, self confidence issues, my dad fighting your dad, and one asshole or another calling me one thing or another, is pretty small potatoes. Currently, it's a potato the size of a moderately sized monument (to me)...but I digress.
Ok so, so far I've said life doesn't need to be so complicated, followed by a sure-fire dive into something that makes life even more complicated, soon to be concluded by something that will bring tears to all of y'all's eyes and possibly a lottery draw with the winning numbers 12, 47, 8, 41 aaaand 9.
So about all my problems. Which, in dire hopes that I’m not in some need of clinical aid are perhaps a lot of other people’s problems. Let’s just not bother, okay? When I’m seventy, using a roll-a-potty, re-examining what I can remember from my ‘prime’, I want it to be the wonderful stuff. Aaaand, this is going to be the last time I post for that very reason. The simplicity of contentedness and the avoidance of bullllllllshit. It’s a start.