Silence
Written ages ago, posted DA account months ago, seemed relevant today. Criminal minds fan-fic, I don't own it, don't make any money off of it. Aaron Hotchner and Spencer Reid share a hotel room, Aaron reveals his vulnerabilities to Spencer.
"Dammit." muttered Aaron Hotchner, stoic even in his cursing.
Dave cast him a quizzical look. Sharing had never been an issue for Aaron before; and he usually seemed to enjoy Reid's company; and after Foyett Dave imagined Aaron wouldn't object to Reid's night light. The worst thing that Reid did was read constantly, not counting the sweater vests-Dave shuddered.
A slight grimace floated across Aaron's features. Dave imagined that was as much reaction as Foyet had forced from Aaron. Dave had to look away as he shook his head forcing aside images of Aaron stabbed and raped. Dammit? Our Spenser Reid?
-----------------------------------------------
Aaron walked into the room, explaining his issue with Reid would have been impossible. And there sat Reid.
Hotch nodded curtly and slid into the bathroom.
Reid pondered what he had done wrong. Hotch had been becoming increasingly withdrawn. The attack had shaken Aaron, losing Haley nearly destroyed him. Maybe he had stepped up to late, and should have been there for Hotch earlier. Maybe he had been too forward when he had stopped by Hotch's apartment one evening.
For whatever reason, that night, Hotch had told him the truth.
That he had never stopped loving Haley, never accepted his divorce, killed in a blind rage, left afraid that he would do it again, and that Foyet had raped him. Reid had simply walked over, sat down next to Aaron, and taken his hand without even looking at him.
Reid had held his hand. He had comforted him and respected him. Reid had understood him, and Aaron wasn't entirely sure he had wanted to know why. He had started suspecting that Haley wasn't the only person he would love in this life, and didn't want to think further about Reid. Didn't need to explore those feelings.
Out of the bathroom and into bed, forcing his eyes shut. "Night Reid."
"What did I do?" Hotch wished Reid had a few more social skills.
"Nothing."
Silence.
"Reid you did nothing wrong."
"But Hotch, I thought."
"Reid, please."
Reid was looking down at him, standing awkwardly, near Hotch's bed trying to find something to do with his hands.
Hotch reached over and took hold of a hand, and tugged Reid over, a firm enough pull that even Reid understood he was to sit by Hotch. Hotch held his hand tighter.
"Reid, my body is covered in scars. I don't look in the mirror anymore. I can feel the skin pull when I walk, when I write, when I touch myself. Except I don't do that anymore. He took that from me. I can't think about sex without him there, and he won't leave me alone. I can't be with anyone. I worry I could hurt the people I love."
Silence.
"You know you can tell me."
Silence.
"He stabbed me and he knew what he was doing. I knew I wouldn't die. I didn't show him fear. My father beat us, me, as a child. I learned how to hide fear. I was nearly grateful, if it wasn't for his abuseI might not be alive."
Reid wrapped an arm haphazardly around Hotch's shoulders, pulling Hotch over in front of him.
"Foyet told me; 'profilers believe stabbing is a substitute for sex. That if somebody is impotent the he'll use a knife instead'. Then he added, 'Maybe this will change the way you profile.' and then he stabbed me, then, he forced, made, I spread for him Reid. I was so afraid, it hurt as much as being stabbed, I couldn't move, I did think I was dying. I don't think he knew."
Silence.
"I'm listening." No statistics, no facts, no latest discoveries or likelihoods.
Reid pulled Hotch against his chest.
"It was worse when he killed her. I loved Haley. And Jack. I was so afraid for Jack. Then I saw her, I still can't believe it. I thought, Jack, I thought he could, Foyet could. I can't remember killing Foyet."
Reid slid his other arm around Hotch.
"I still love her."
"I know."
Silence.
"I was so afraid he would hurt Jack. I don't remember anything except rage, if that's what it was. Reid what if I lost my temper at Jack? I could kill him, I could kill you. I have to stay away from the people I love."
"Its okay to be afraid Aaron."
Silence
Hotch gripped tightly onto Reid's hands, wrapped them around himself. "I can't Reid, I could hurt you. You don't want me like this, not like this. I can't loose you. I can't be hurt again."
Every emotion he had ever had crossed Reid's face. Luckily Hotch couldn't see that. He kissed the top of Aaron's head. Now was not the time to get hard. He tried to shift his crotch discretely away from Aaron.
"Aaron, have you ever hurt someone you love? I mean physically hurt then, or intimidated them, or frightened them?"
Aaron shook his head against Spencer's chest.
"Have you ever raised a hand against Jack?"
A sad smile into Spencer's chest, Aaron shook his head, "no."
"How angry have you ever been with Jack?"
Aaron snuggled tighter into Spencer. Clinging but not in desperation anymore. When had his youngest agent become his safe haven? He felt Spencer hard against him. A wave of desire swept through Aaron, wrapped in cold fear. Those strong elegant hands holding him. Reid didn't move to touch him, just held him, and dropped kisses on the top of his head.
"Spence, I loved Haley. I loved when we were apart, I loved her when we were divorced, I loved her when we were asleep, if I had let it that love would have taken me. When I held onto myself, I lost her. Haley would have consumed me, in the end Foyet did. Spencer if I ever love again, if anyone ever lets me love them again, I won't hold back, I will give all of me. I need to be with someone who will love all of me, who will love this," his eyes shut, "this man, this work, this disaster, this truth."
Spencer swallowed, his mouth was completely dry, his tongue stuck to his pallet. "Aaron, I do love you."
Aaron looked up, apparently completly composed, into Spencer's eyes. If he took Spencer's lips he would be committing his body, and with that his heart. He kissed Spencer.
"Aaron, I do need all of you."
"Dammit." muttered Aaron Hotchner, stoic even in his cursing.
Dave cast him a quizzical look. Sharing had never been an issue for Aaron before; and he usually seemed to enjoy Reid's company; and after Foyett Dave imagined Aaron wouldn't object to Reid's night light. The worst thing that Reid did was read constantly, not counting the sweater vests-Dave shuddered.
A slight grimace floated across Aaron's features. Dave imagined that was as much reaction as Foyet had forced from Aaron. Dave had to look away as he shook his head forcing aside images of Aaron stabbed and raped. Dammit? Our Spenser Reid?
-----------------------------------------------
Aaron walked into the room, explaining his issue with Reid would have been impossible. And there sat Reid.
Hotch nodded curtly and slid into the bathroom.
Reid pondered what he had done wrong. Hotch had been becoming increasingly withdrawn. The attack had shaken Aaron, losing Haley nearly destroyed him. Maybe he had stepped up to late, and should have been there for Hotch earlier. Maybe he had been too forward when he had stopped by Hotch's apartment one evening.
For whatever reason, that night, Hotch had told him the truth.
That he had never stopped loving Haley, never accepted his divorce, killed in a blind rage, left afraid that he would do it again, and that Foyet had raped him. Reid had simply walked over, sat down next to Aaron, and taken his hand without even looking at him.
Reid had held his hand. He had comforted him and respected him. Reid had understood him, and Aaron wasn't entirely sure he had wanted to know why. He had started suspecting that Haley wasn't the only person he would love in this life, and didn't want to think further about Reid. Didn't need to explore those feelings.
Out of the bathroom and into bed, forcing his eyes shut. "Night Reid."
"What did I do?" Hotch wished Reid had a few more social skills.
"Nothing."
Silence.
"Reid you did nothing wrong."
"But Hotch, I thought."
"Reid, please."
Reid was looking down at him, standing awkwardly, near Hotch's bed trying to find something to do with his hands.
Hotch reached over and took hold of a hand, and tugged Reid over, a firm enough pull that even Reid understood he was to sit by Hotch. Hotch held his hand tighter.
"Reid, my body is covered in scars. I don't look in the mirror anymore. I can feel the skin pull when I walk, when I write, when I touch myself. Except I don't do that anymore. He took that from me. I can't think about sex without him there, and he won't leave me alone. I can't be with anyone. I worry I could hurt the people I love."
Silence.
"You know you can tell me."
Silence.
"He stabbed me and he knew what he was doing. I knew I wouldn't die. I didn't show him fear. My father beat us, me, as a child. I learned how to hide fear. I was nearly grateful, if it wasn't for his abuseI might not be alive."
Reid wrapped an arm haphazardly around Hotch's shoulders, pulling Hotch over in front of him.
"Foyet told me; 'profilers believe stabbing is a substitute for sex. That if somebody is impotent the he'll use a knife instead'. Then he added, 'Maybe this will change the way you profile.' and then he stabbed me, then, he forced, made, I spread for him Reid. I was so afraid, it hurt as much as being stabbed, I couldn't move, I did think I was dying. I don't think he knew."
Silence.
"I'm listening." No statistics, no facts, no latest discoveries or likelihoods.
Reid pulled Hotch against his chest.
"It was worse when he killed her. I loved Haley. And Jack. I was so afraid for Jack. Then I saw her, I still can't believe it. I thought, Jack, I thought he could, Foyet could. I can't remember killing Foyet."
Reid slid his other arm around Hotch.
"I still love her."
"I know."
Silence.
"I was so afraid he would hurt Jack. I don't remember anything except rage, if that's what it was. Reid what if I lost my temper at Jack? I could kill him, I could kill you. I have to stay away from the people I love."
"Its okay to be afraid Aaron."
Silence
Hotch gripped tightly onto Reid's hands, wrapped them around himself. "I can't Reid, I could hurt you. You don't want me like this, not like this. I can't loose you. I can't be hurt again."
Every emotion he had ever had crossed Reid's face. Luckily Hotch couldn't see that. He kissed the top of Aaron's head. Now was not the time to get hard. He tried to shift his crotch discretely away from Aaron.
"Aaron, have you ever hurt someone you love? I mean physically hurt then, or intimidated them, or frightened them?"
Aaron shook his head against Spencer's chest.
"Have you ever raised a hand against Jack?"
A sad smile into Spencer's chest, Aaron shook his head, "no."
"How angry have you ever been with Jack?"
Aaron snuggled tighter into Spencer. Clinging but not in desperation anymore. When had his youngest agent become his safe haven? He felt Spencer hard against him. A wave of desire swept through Aaron, wrapped in cold fear. Those strong elegant hands holding him. Reid didn't move to touch him, just held him, and dropped kisses on the top of his head.
"Spence, I loved Haley. I loved when we were apart, I loved her when we were divorced, I loved her when we were asleep, if I had let it that love would have taken me. When I held onto myself, I lost her. Haley would have consumed me, in the end Foyet did. Spencer if I ever love again, if anyone ever lets me love them again, I won't hold back, I will give all of me. I need to be with someone who will love all of me, who will love this," his eyes shut, "this man, this work, this disaster, this truth."
Spencer swallowed, his mouth was completely dry, his tongue stuck to his pallet. "Aaron, I do love you."
Aaron looked up, apparently completly composed, into Spencer's eyes. If he took Spencer's lips he would be committing his body, and with that his heart. He kissed Spencer.
"Aaron, I do need all of you."