SPOILER ALERT
I couldn't wait any longer. DH was the best and worst 7 hours of my life. And when I say SPOILERS, I mean, SPOILERS.
This was, by far, not the best book in the series. Personally, I would have much rather read about Neville, Luna, Ginny, and Hogwarts Staff as they fought evil than read about Harry, Hermione, and Ron and they trekked across the countryside. 400 pages of bitching, WTF, JKR? Also, all the new, random characters and new, random "rules" for spells and such really made me feel so at home in this book, you asshole.
AND SO, in no particular order, MY RANTINGS!
1) At the Dursleys: If I had been neglected and abused for 17 years by big fat people, I would reminisce about the good times too. Ah, the broom closet, good times... good times. Love those spiders. ASSHOLE. It was nice to see though, that apparently Dudley has started to work out since the last book, and that in all that time alone he suddenly realized that Harry saved his life two books ago. Harry of course can't just take a fucking compliment and corrects Dudley: I didn't save your life, I merely saved your soul. There is a big difference you fat twat. IT'S AN EXPRESSION HARRY. YOU SAVED HIS LIFE GET OVER IT. But, the Dursleys and Harry must part ways forever. Too bad.
2) The escape: VOLDEMORT PWNS YOU. And if Mundungus is so obviously an IDIOT, why does the Order insist on MAKING HIM PARTICIPATE??? And wow, JKR, two dead already? NOT ONLY DO YOU TAKE HARRY'S PARENTS AWAY, but his GODFATHER, and now his OWL?? (Ps. when Hedwig got it, I laughed.)
3) Death Eaters infiltrate the Ministry of Magic and Hogwarts. Snape is made Headmaster. SmutFic writers rejoice.
3) Wedding and Weasley: Wow. This was great. Hermione gets extra points for pulling a Mary Poppins on your ass.
4) Wilderness Woes: Harry, Hermione, and Ron decide to go out into the wilderness. While every other character is having adventures (fighting at Hogwarts for freedom, for example), we get to read about the trio eating mushrooms and getting mood-swings. HOW INTERESTING. Was anyone else NOT SURPRISED that Ron walked out on the two people he loves most in the world? After a while reading about them trekking the wilderness, I gave up on my theory that Ron would sacrifice himself for H & Hr. Apparently EMO is more popular this summer than I thought. And since we all know that boys can't talk about their feelings, instead of JKR trying to break that stereotype, she lets the WHORECRUX do all the talking. And since Harry is also a boy and therefore cannot imagine another's feelings, he never even suspected Ron of HAVING feelings until the WHORECRUX spelled it out for him. And even after Harry gains this intimate knowledge of his friend, all he can bring himself to do his awkwardly place his hand on Ron's shoulder because any more body contact or touching dialogue would be CLEARLY HOMOSEXUAL. Because we all know that GEY SECKSUAL TENSHION is absolutely OK if it’s Drarry, Snarry, Snaco, Snucius, HP/LM, V/DEs, AD/SS, AD/HP, Puppyship, EVEN MALFOYCEST AND TWINCEST ARE OK, but HARRY AND RON ARE ABSOLUTELY OFF LIMITS. Of course, if the female characters had any real role in the books, there would be more of a basis for pairs such as GW/HG/LL/MM/BL... in any combination. Alas, women don't matter in HP unless they are having babies... with men.
5) Well, in the mean time all is forgiven between the trio and they slowly manage to advance the plot. Apparently there is this thing called the Deathly Hallows which is made of three "hallows" if you will, and Harry suddenly figures out that he HAS ONE, the invisibility cloak, aka Cloak of Invisibility. Much assing continues. Blah blah.
6) The trio finally makes it to Hogwarts on their quest for the WHORECRUXES (which, strangely enough, Voldemort can't feel being destroyed). The appearance of the Trio was just what the doctor ordered, because suddenly everyone is kicking ass. Minerva and the rest of the Hogwarts staff send Snape... flying? HE CAN FLY? FIRST VOLDEMORT NOW SNAPE???
7) V*MART: Voldemort has finally decided to take things into his own hands. IT IS SO HARD TO FIND GOOD HELP THESE DAYS. Voldie wants to avoid the wand hijinx from the last books, and learns from torturing frail old men that he needs to use another wand. So he takes Lucius' wand (I thought for sure he was going to kill Lucius when he took his wand, but I was right, Lucius makes it through). HOWEVER, that would end the book far too quickly. So, thanks to Harry's well-times visions, we find out that Voldemort continues to torture frail old men in search of the Elder wand, aka, Deathstick. DEATHSTICK. A DEATHSTICK which happens to be another HALLOW. Voldemort gets it... after prying it from Dumbledore's COLD, DEAD, FINGERS. However, it seems there is a rule for how the Elder wand "works". Like any other wand (apparently) it only works properly if you "win" it from another witch or wizard. For example, Hermione breaks Harry's wand at one point, they get abducted by DEs and Harry "wins" Draco's wand. Draco's wand works for Harry because of this. However, Bellatrix's wand does not work for Hermione (who also loses her wand) because Hermione didn't "win" it. Voldemort finds out the hard way that the Elder wand is not working for him the way it should. He figures he must not have really "won" it from Dumbledore. And so the most terrible deed ever is committed...
8) Severus Snape: Voldemort suddenly realizes that SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE, so obviously he must kill Snape to make the Elder wand work. Snape isn't stupid; he sees what's coming. HOWEVER, Voldemort knows he knows, and instead of AKing Snape, he sicks Nagini on him. Snape gets his head chewed off (and not in the good way). Voldemort walks away thinking he's awesome. Little did HE know that Harry & co. were watching the whole scene from under the IC. He runs over to Snape who has memories leaking out of his ears, mouth, eyes... and Harry tells Harry to scoop it all up. Then he clutches at Harry, wanting Lily's eyes to be the last thing he sees.
8) THE LIFE AND TIEMS OF SNAPE: While all this is happening, a war ravages Hogwarts and people are dying. Ron and Hermione continue the search for and destruction of horcruxes while Harry runs away to watch Snape's memories... or something like that. Anyway, Harry is suddenly proven wrong and I and all smart people are proven right-- Snape was GOOD, if stalkerish. He and Lily loved each other. But Snape made the mistake of joining the DEs, and calling Lily a Mudblood was his worst memory (not just being tortured by the Marauders). Because of his foolishness, Snape lost the love of his life to the man he hated most. Snape never stopped loving Lily, and everything good he ever did, everything he ever agreed to to in the name of defeating Voldemort, was not based on faith in Dumbledore or trust in Harry Potter-- it was all for his love of Lily. Even his potronus showed it; a doe, a deer, a female deer. A symbol of the innocence he lost when he lost his innocence.
9)Duel to the Death: At last, all the horcruxes are destroyed accept for Harry-- because as he finally learned from Snape's memories, Dumbledore was a deceptive slug until the very end and purposely raised Harry for the slaughter. Harry comes to realize that he is Voldemort’s unintentional seventh horcrux, and indeed must die. Luckily, he finally figures out that he has the last Hallow with him, and he uses it to summon the visages of his parents and Sirius, Yoda, Obi-wan, etc. They tell him that death ain't so bad. Harry meets Voldemort, and sacrifices himself for the world. There's a flash of green light, and the next thing Harry knows, he's naked and in a train station.
10) The Deathly Hallows: is this. Dumbledore is there and explains to Harry how he has united all three Hallows (his IC, the Ghost-bringer-backer, and the Deathstick) and has therefore CHEATED DEATH. He can go back to his body at any time, but first Dumbles insists on explaining why he was a meddling ass-wipe all these books.
11) ACTION PACKED: Harry goes back to his body but pretends to be dead. Voldemort, not believing his luck, tells Narcissa to check if Harry is really dead. Using her hair to shield them, she asks if her son is still alive. Harry says yes, and she tells Voldemort (WITH A STRAIGHT FACE!) that Harry is DED DED DED. Voldemort decides to have the captured Hagrid carry Harry's body back to Hogwars in a twisted parade of DEs. When they get back to Hogwarts, no one buys Voldemort's story, and Neville, calling the Sword of Gryffindor from the Sorting hat, and in a fit of urban-ninja skillz never seen in the UK, cuts Nagini's head off with it. While Voldemort is distracted by grief, Harry pulls on his IC and warms up for the kill. Some how he manages not to get stomped by Hagrid while the oaf suddenly realizes that the corpse in his arms isn't there anymore.
12) Duel to the Death part DUEX: Like the schoolyard brawl it is, students form a circle around Harry and Voldemort. Voldemort, for a change, has to listen to Harry rant about how cool he is. Harry explains that Voldemort is a d-bag, and killed Snape (who was never his from the time V-mort killed Lily) for no reason because the Elder wand really belonged to DRACO and since Harry PWNED Draco, all Draco's wands belong to HIM. Voldemort and Harry duel, Voldie's AK bounces off Harry YET AGAIN, and Voldemort dies for good because all the horcruxes are destroyed including the one in Harry. WIN.
13) The Epilogue: Now, personally, I thought this was dumb. NOBODY FUCKING CARES that Ginny and Hermione have to give up their careers to raise children. NOBODY CARES that Harry's scar hasn't hurt for 19 years. However. HOWEVER. The epilogue contained some of the most heart-breaking... *sniffle*. OK. Only ONE THING in the ENTIRE SERIES HAS EVER MADE ME CRY, and it was this: that Harry named his second son ALBUS SEVERUS, and explains to the lad that Snape was the bravest man he ever knew. I admit, I cried, and if my heart wasn't three-sized-too-small, I'd be weeping. Another thing that really got me was the description of Adult!Draco... with his coat buttoned up all the way and his balding head, and his stiff nod to Harry & Co... *WEEP* IT WAS ALL JUST TOO MUCH FOR ME.
14) In conclusion: This book was pretty much every fanfic of every rating that I've ever read all put together and censored. I'm also happy that though JKR honestly ended the series, and answered every major plot confusion, there is still room for a little imagination and fanfiction. Of course, now every FF ever written or yet to be written, is and will have to be, AU. As far as the actual book is concerned though, it seemed like JKR rushed through it, even if it was like reading about WWII at some points. After all, it must be easier to write about three kids in the woods doing nothing, than 800 kids and adults fighting Death Eaters and inventing spells and kicking ass... which is what I WANTED to read about. I WANTED ACTION NOT EMO-PUSSY teenagers. But whatever. It was good and I can't imagine JKR could have turned out anything better. Not the best book out of the seven, but a good read if one ignores the woodland angst.
This was, by far, not the best book in the series. Personally, I would have much rather read about Neville, Luna, Ginny, and Hogwarts Staff as they fought evil than read about Harry, Hermione, and Ron and they trekked across the countryside. 400 pages of bitching, WTF, JKR? Also, all the new, random characters and new, random "rules" for spells and such really made me feel so at home in this book, you asshole.
AND SO, in no particular order, MY RANTINGS!
1) At the Dursleys: If I had been neglected and abused for 17 years by big fat people, I would reminisce about the good times too. Ah, the broom closet, good times... good times. Love those spiders. ASSHOLE. It was nice to see though, that apparently Dudley has started to work out since the last book, and that in all that time alone he suddenly realized that Harry saved his life two books ago. Harry of course can't just take a fucking compliment and corrects Dudley: I didn't save your life, I merely saved your soul. There is a big difference you fat twat. IT'S AN EXPRESSION HARRY. YOU SAVED HIS LIFE GET OVER IT. But, the Dursleys and Harry must part ways forever. Too bad.
2) The escape: VOLDEMORT PWNS YOU. And if Mundungus is so obviously an IDIOT, why does the Order insist on MAKING HIM PARTICIPATE??? And wow, JKR, two dead already? NOT ONLY DO YOU TAKE HARRY'S PARENTS AWAY, but his GODFATHER, and now his OWL?? (Ps. when Hedwig got it, I laughed.)
3) Death Eaters infiltrate the Ministry of Magic and Hogwarts. Snape is made Headmaster. SmutFic writers rejoice.
3) Wedding and Weasley: Wow. This was great. Hermione gets extra points for pulling a Mary Poppins on your ass.
4) Wilderness Woes: Harry, Hermione, and Ron decide to go out into the wilderness. While every other character is having adventures (fighting at Hogwarts for freedom, for example), we get to read about the trio eating mushrooms and getting mood-swings. HOW INTERESTING. Was anyone else NOT SURPRISED that Ron walked out on the two people he loves most in the world? After a while reading about them trekking the wilderness, I gave up on my theory that Ron would sacrifice himself for H & Hr. Apparently EMO is more popular this summer than I thought. And since we all know that boys can't talk about their feelings, instead of JKR trying to break that stereotype, she lets the WHORECRUX do all the talking. And since Harry is also a boy and therefore cannot imagine another's feelings, he never even suspected Ron of HAVING feelings until the WHORECRUX spelled it out for him. And even after Harry gains this intimate knowledge of his friend, all he can bring himself to do his awkwardly place his hand on Ron's shoulder because any more body contact or touching dialogue would be CLEARLY HOMOSEXUAL. Because we all know that GEY SECKSUAL TENSHION is absolutely OK if it’s Drarry, Snarry, Snaco, Snucius, HP/LM, V/DEs, AD/SS, AD/HP, Puppyship, EVEN MALFOYCEST AND TWINCEST ARE OK, but HARRY AND RON ARE ABSOLUTELY OFF LIMITS. Of course, if the female characters had any real role in the books, there would be more of a basis for pairs such as GW/HG/LL/MM/BL... in any combination. Alas, women don't matter in HP unless they are having babies... with men.
5) Well, in the mean time all is forgiven between the trio and they slowly manage to advance the plot. Apparently there is this thing called the Deathly Hallows which is made of three "hallows" if you will, and Harry suddenly figures out that he HAS ONE, the invisibility cloak, aka Cloak of Invisibility. Much assing continues. Blah blah.
6) The trio finally makes it to Hogwarts on their quest for the WHORECRUXES (which, strangely enough, Voldemort can't feel being destroyed). The appearance of the Trio was just what the doctor ordered, because suddenly everyone is kicking ass. Minerva and the rest of the Hogwarts staff send Snape... flying? HE CAN FLY? FIRST VOLDEMORT NOW SNAPE???
7) V*MART: Voldemort has finally decided to take things into his own hands. IT IS SO HARD TO FIND GOOD HELP THESE DAYS. Voldie wants to avoid the wand hijinx from the last books, and learns from torturing frail old men that he needs to use another wand. So he takes Lucius' wand (I thought for sure he was going to kill Lucius when he took his wand, but I was right, Lucius makes it through). HOWEVER, that would end the book far too quickly. So, thanks to Harry's well-times visions, we find out that Voldemort continues to torture frail old men in search of the Elder wand, aka, Deathstick. DEATHSTICK. A DEATHSTICK which happens to be another HALLOW. Voldemort gets it... after prying it from Dumbledore's COLD, DEAD, FINGERS. However, it seems there is a rule for how the Elder wand "works". Like any other wand (apparently) it only works properly if you "win" it from another witch or wizard. For example, Hermione breaks Harry's wand at one point, they get abducted by DEs and Harry "wins" Draco's wand. Draco's wand works for Harry because of this. However, Bellatrix's wand does not work for Hermione (who also loses her wand) because Hermione didn't "win" it. Voldemort finds out the hard way that the Elder wand is not working for him the way it should. He figures he must not have really "won" it from Dumbledore. And so the most terrible deed ever is committed...
8) Severus Snape: Voldemort suddenly realizes that SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE, so obviously he must kill Snape to make the Elder wand work. Snape isn't stupid; he sees what's coming. HOWEVER, Voldemort knows he knows, and instead of AKing Snape, he sicks Nagini on him. Snape gets his head chewed off (and not in the good way). Voldemort walks away thinking he's awesome. Little did HE know that Harry & co. were watching the whole scene from under the IC. He runs over to Snape who has memories leaking out of his ears, mouth, eyes... and Harry tells Harry to scoop it all up. Then he clutches at Harry, wanting Lily's eyes to be the last thing he sees.
8) THE LIFE AND TIEMS OF SNAPE: While all this is happening, a war ravages Hogwarts and people are dying. Ron and Hermione continue the search for and destruction of horcruxes while Harry runs away to watch Snape's memories... or something like that. Anyway, Harry is suddenly proven wrong and I and all smart people are proven right-- Snape was GOOD, if stalkerish. He and Lily loved each other. But Snape made the mistake of joining the DEs, and calling Lily a Mudblood was his worst memory (not just being tortured by the Marauders). Because of his foolishness, Snape lost the love of his life to the man he hated most. Snape never stopped loving Lily, and everything good he ever did, everything he ever agreed to to in the name of defeating Voldemort, was not based on faith in Dumbledore or trust in Harry Potter-- it was all for his love of Lily. Even his potronus showed it; a doe, a deer, a female deer. A symbol of the innocence he lost when he lost his innocence.
9)Duel to the Death: At last, all the horcruxes are destroyed accept for Harry-- because as he finally learned from Snape's memories, Dumbledore was a deceptive slug until the very end and purposely raised Harry for the slaughter. Harry comes to realize that he is Voldemort’s unintentional seventh horcrux, and indeed must die. Luckily, he finally figures out that he has the last Hallow with him, and he uses it to summon the visages of his parents and Sirius, Yoda, Obi-wan, etc. They tell him that death ain't so bad. Harry meets Voldemort, and sacrifices himself for the world. There's a flash of green light, and the next thing Harry knows, he's naked and in a train station.
10) The Deathly Hallows: is this. Dumbledore is there and explains to Harry how he has united all three Hallows (his IC, the Ghost-bringer-backer, and the Deathstick) and has therefore CHEATED DEATH. He can go back to his body at any time, but first Dumbles insists on explaining why he was a meddling ass-wipe all these books.
11) ACTION PACKED: Harry goes back to his body but pretends to be dead. Voldemort, not believing his luck, tells Narcissa to check if Harry is really dead. Using her hair to shield them, she asks if her son is still alive. Harry says yes, and she tells Voldemort (WITH A STRAIGHT FACE!) that Harry is DED DED DED. Voldemort decides to have the captured Hagrid carry Harry's body back to Hogwars in a twisted parade of DEs. When they get back to Hogwarts, no one buys Voldemort's story, and Neville, calling the Sword of Gryffindor from the Sorting hat, and in a fit of urban-ninja skillz never seen in the UK, cuts Nagini's head off with it. While Voldemort is distracted by grief, Harry pulls on his IC and warms up for the kill. Some how he manages not to get stomped by Hagrid while the oaf suddenly realizes that the corpse in his arms isn't there anymore.
12) Duel to the Death part DUEX: Like the schoolyard brawl it is, students form a circle around Harry and Voldemort. Voldemort, for a change, has to listen to Harry rant about how cool he is. Harry explains that Voldemort is a d-bag, and killed Snape (who was never his from the time V-mort killed Lily) for no reason because the Elder wand really belonged to DRACO and since Harry PWNED Draco, all Draco's wands belong to HIM. Voldemort and Harry duel, Voldie's AK bounces off Harry YET AGAIN, and Voldemort dies for good because all the horcruxes are destroyed including the one in Harry. WIN.
13) The Epilogue: Now, personally, I thought this was dumb. NOBODY FUCKING CARES that Ginny and Hermione have to give up their careers to raise children. NOBODY CARES that Harry's scar hasn't hurt for 19 years. However. HOWEVER. The epilogue contained some of the most heart-breaking... *sniffle*. OK. Only ONE THING in the ENTIRE SERIES HAS EVER MADE ME CRY, and it was this: that Harry named his second son ALBUS SEVERUS, and explains to the lad that Snape was the bravest man he ever knew. I admit, I cried, and if my heart wasn't three-sized-too-small, I'd be weeping. Another thing that really got me was the description of Adult!Draco... with his coat buttoned up all the way and his balding head, and his stiff nod to Harry & Co... *WEEP* IT WAS ALL JUST TOO MUCH FOR ME.
14) In conclusion: This book was pretty much every fanfic of every rating that I've ever read all put together and censored. I'm also happy that though JKR honestly ended the series, and answered every major plot confusion, there is still room for a little imagination and fanfiction. Of course, now every FF ever written or yet to be written, is and will have to be, AU. As far as the actual book is concerned though, it seemed like JKR rushed through it, even if it was like reading about WWII at some points. After all, it must be easier to write about three kids in the woods doing nothing, than 800 kids and adults fighting Death Eaters and inventing spells and kicking ass... which is what I WANTED to read about. I WANTED ACTION NOT EMO-PUSSY teenagers. But whatever. It was good and I can't imagine JKR could have turned out anything better. Not the best book out of the seven, but a good read if one ignores the woodland angst.