if only I don't bend and break I'll see you on the other side
This morning I watched a repeat of the episode of The O.C that enabled me to write..
It's happed again....I let my walls down. yet not for a person, not for anyone I know, not for anyone I talk to online....Yup that's right I'm on about the square thing that sits in the corner of this room that gives me sound and image... the TV.
I've just finished watching The O.C, yes call me soft, you may, although given false security that this room gave me for so many years, the security that I now love to hate every now ad again its nice to come 'home'. Kudos to the big heads at CH4 picking up on this, there's as something about it that grips me I'm not sure what it is yet but for the second week in a row it has put shivers down my spine and put me close to tears. I've paid particular attention to the rolling credits this week and see no familiar field names in there although for me, this show has Thomas Newman and Sam Mendes plastered all over it ...the imagery, the idealism, the musical score. Could we have some unknown protégés at the helm or even the boys themselves with their own little game of kick about under some side street aliases..?
Right now I'm.....I guess I'm left outside myself watching my own actions as if I were a 7year old child watching a Disney movie for the first time, gripped at the edge his small seat awaiting the next move with a huge joy of anticipation.
That's how I've been for the last few days, like a child my path is unknown yet everything seems so clear and calm, I'm not myself yet a child wouldn't know who themselves were given their lack of life experience.
....I've been given another shot
A week or so ago I was asked how I was feeling, a question I've become sick of hearing from some people although I know they have good intentions when they utter those words....namely my own mum. Of course I pawned her off with a placid yes but then she extends the interrogation by asking Do you think you're happier because you've been away from college? Now I walked away from that asking myself the question over and over and I keep reaching the same conclusion, Yes!
For the first time in a good 5 years my mum had noticed something about me and hit the nail in the head!
Now of course I do everything in my power, my own little bubble to prove her wrong.....I work on ideas for college, get myself geared up for the fateful return and time after time all I found were tears and shortness of breath. I'd punched through layer one of the wall....leave college!
This is something I never thought I would watch myself do, take one more step away from the world that I have made for myself. Two years ago I thought I had it all figured out, I thought design, being given the change to break the tunnel, show people what I was capable of was enough...to break my razor edged, ice-packed mould. We now know this is not the case I have fallen short of the path but not so short, the horizon is in view....I still need binoculars, but its there.
I'm disappointed for walking away, and rightly so, but I love design it'll never stop, I've taken so much away from it, so much that I'll never leave behind. The person its allowed me to become, the way I perceive any moment, whether it be good or bad, shit the way I never eave the house without my camera now because I'm scared I might miss something, I didn't get me to the horizon like I first hoped but it got me further than I would have we got on my own now I have one or two mentions to make here...
Leigh :
Thanks for the last major big money fuck up you ever made 2 years ago that meant me buying this machine from you and then made me wonder what the Photoshop icon was...
Mr Loughton :
Thank you for noticing something in me, helping me see it, bringing me into your world, packing me off to college and introducing to some of the best people I've ever met...
Raj, John, Neil :
You guys will never know what a great ride the last two years has been...
I said earlier that I feel like I'm watching myself from the outside, I say this because this is the first time in at least four months that I haven't' dreaded opening my eyes on a Sunday because it meant that the weekend was over and Monday was 24hr precious hours away....the hell mouth would be around the comer again. Fuckin' hell I haven't felt this care-free since I was 17, Five years of hate, anger, and abandonment..gut wrenching pain.
Now I am by now means out of the woods, I still haven't got a compass and batteries in the torch are still dead but for the first time in my life I have a plan.
Wow a plan...
Where's the camera, I want this face too
*captures*
I can't remember the last time I felt this clear, am I seven again? God this is amazing! Ever since I mad the choice two days ago it all seems to have disappeared, I know it hasn't but I have to find it now, tow have it for two days and lose it again will kill me I know it.
I'm going for as much work as I can to fill the hours and fill my pockets as possible, a full-time gig is out of the question until July, I don't think me walking into a job then demanding a month off straight off will go down well in anyone's eyes lol
So for now? Bar work! I've already lined up an interview for 11:30am at a pub in Caldicot tomorrow. I can't much reason why I won't get it I've got enough customer relations bollox under my belt and I pour a mean pint. They want split shifts, that's not a problem but if I get it I'd like to see if I can dodge splitting it on a Saturday and Sunday afternoons. That way I can still hold down Bewise which means an extra £300 a month for moi.
Then July comes, I piss off do my thing in Canada for a month, I come back still got Bewise and if the bar want me back bonus, Maybe I'll come back with answers, maybe I won't? We have to wait and see, Come home then convince my good amigo Ms Hawkins to swindle me a job in Statistics Office up in Newport…..lol shit yeah I gotta work on my alcohol consumption in the middle of all this too, her and Cez have challenged me to a drinkin' comp hehe
Ah well Ben I guess this is what you call the epiphany?? If not I'm fukd when the real comes along 'cos this fucker has knocked for six….. Stroll on Pinocchio
I have to say that this episode put shivers down my spine yet again. I got to thinking where I was in my life when I wrote that entry, or at least where I thought I was and where I was hoping to get to. I thought about all the anguish I had built up inside, all the confusion that surrounded me. In a way this made me smile because I realised that things were falling together. So many things I'd wanted to achieve then well I have a lot of them now, or at least I think I have. This morning I realised how much has changed and for the better.
I'm smiling right now, both inside and out, I set things out for myself and they have worked although its hard to fathom that this was four months ago. I'm such a different person from what I was then, and I like this person, somehow this person found a hammer and broke down his walls, I fell off the cliff but I found my feet when I did. It hasn't been easy though, I know no-one said it would be but Christ it's been hard, I've had to admit and learn even more about myself that I perhaps didn't want but it's definitely good that I have.
When I went away in July I tried so hard to leave here without any preconceptions on what it might be like or what I might experience but looking back I think going there is one of the things that really helped, I was given a lot of time. I had a lot of time to question the dark things but I was also given the power to rediscover the good things, perhaps that maybe I've been able to see some light all along but I've just not let myself. I was able to remember that there are good things around me, I have seen good things, and I'd just forgotten how to see them again.
Over all I guess I'm proud of myself? Yeah, for the first time in a very long time I guess I am. I don't think I can recall a time I truly set out to do something and actually achieve it. I went away and I came back with some answers, answers that have help become a stronger person. After four months of more obstacles and boundaries, I've been given more clues to the map. I went into town today to pick up a few bits and bobs, I can't really explain how I was feeling but I guess I kinda felt that nothing could bother me, not that I was invincible but just that perhaps I was shielded in some way, I dunno?
As I walked around looking at all the nameless faces I felt rejuvenated within myself, had I truly found who I'm meant to be? I could sit here and babble more about my feelings and thoughts on where I've ended up but I think that would be detrimental to both you and I but before I say goodnight I'd like to say thank you to the people who helped me get where I am, you know who you are even if some of you never see this.
It's happed again....I let my walls down. yet not for a person, not for anyone I know, not for anyone I talk to online....Yup that's right I'm on about the square thing that sits in the corner of this room that gives me sound and image... the TV.
I've just finished watching The O.C, yes call me soft, you may, although given false security that this room gave me for so many years, the security that I now love to hate every now ad again its nice to come 'home'. Kudos to the big heads at CH4 picking up on this, there's as something about it that grips me I'm not sure what it is yet but for the second week in a row it has put shivers down my spine and put me close to tears. I've paid particular attention to the rolling credits this week and see no familiar field names in there although for me, this show has Thomas Newman and Sam Mendes plastered all over it ...the imagery, the idealism, the musical score. Could we have some unknown protégés at the helm or even the boys themselves with their own little game of kick about under some side street aliases..?
Right now I'm.....I guess I'm left outside myself watching my own actions as if I were a 7year old child watching a Disney movie for the first time, gripped at the edge his small seat awaiting the next move with a huge joy of anticipation.
That's how I've been for the last few days, like a child my path is unknown yet everything seems so clear and calm, I'm not myself yet a child wouldn't know who themselves were given their lack of life experience.
....I've been given another shot
A week or so ago I was asked how I was feeling, a question I've become sick of hearing from some people although I know they have good intentions when they utter those words....namely my own mum. Of course I pawned her off with a placid yes but then she extends the interrogation by asking Do you think you're happier because you've been away from college? Now I walked away from that asking myself the question over and over and I keep reaching the same conclusion, Yes!
For the first time in a good 5 years my mum had noticed something about me and hit the nail in the head!
Now of course I do everything in my power, my own little bubble to prove her wrong.....I work on ideas for college, get myself geared up for the fateful return and time after time all I found were tears and shortness of breath. I'd punched through layer one of the wall....leave college!
This is something I never thought I would watch myself do, take one more step away from the world that I have made for myself. Two years ago I thought I had it all figured out, I thought design, being given the change to break the tunnel, show people what I was capable of was enough...to break my razor edged, ice-packed mould. We now know this is not the case I have fallen short of the path but not so short, the horizon is in view....I still need binoculars, but its there.
I'm disappointed for walking away, and rightly so, but I love design it'll never stop, I've taken so much away from it, so much that I'll never leave behind. The person its allowed me to become, the way I perceive any moment, whether it be good or bad, shit the way I never eave the house without my camera now because I'm scared I might miss something, I didn't get me to the horizon like I first hoped but it got me further than I would have we got on my own now I have one or two mentions to make here...
Leigh :
Thanks for the last major big money fuck up you ever made 2 years ago that meant me buying this machine from you and then made me wonder what the Photoshop icon was...
Mr Loughton :
Thank you for noticing something in me, helping me see it, bringing me into your world, packing me off to college and introducing to some of the best people I've ever met...
Raj, John, Neil :
You guys will never know what a great ride the last two years has been...
I said earlier that I feel like I'm watching myself from the outside, I say this because this is the first time in at least four months that I haven't' dreaded opening my eyes on a Sunday because it meant that the weekend was over and Monday was 24hr precious hours away....the hell mouth would be around the comer again. Fuckin' hell I haven't felt this care-free since I was 17, Five years of hate, anger, and abandonment..gut wrenching pain.
Now I am by now means out of the woods, I still haven't got a compass and batteries in the torch are still dead but for the first time in my life I have a plan.
Wow a plan...
Where's the camera, I want this face too
*captures*
I can't remember the last time I felt this clear, am I seven again? God this is amazing! Ever since I mad the choice two days ago it all seems to have disappeared, I know it hasn't but I have to find it now, tow have it for two days and lose it again will kill me I know it.
I'm going for as much work as I can to fill the hours and fill my pockets as possible, a full-time gig is out of the question until July, I don't think me walking into a job then demanding a month off straight off will go down well in anyone's eyes lol
So for now? Bar work! I've already lined up an interview for 11:30am at a pub in Caldicot tomorrow. I can't much reason why I won't get it I've got enough customer relations bollox under my belt and I pour a mean pint. They want split shifts, that's not a problem but if I get it I'd like to see if I can dodge splitting it on a Saturday and Sunday afternoons. That way I can still hold down Bewise which means an extra £300 a month for moi.
Then July comes, I piss off do my thing in Canada for a month, I come back still got Bewise and if the bar want me back bonus, Maybe I'll come back with answers, maybe I won't? We have to wait and see, Come home then convince my good amigo Ms Hawkins to swindle me a job in Statistics Office up in Newport…..lol shit yeah I gotta work on my alcohol consumption in the middle of all this too, her and Cez have challenged me to a drinkin' comp hehe
Ah well Ben I guess this is what you call the epiphany?? If not I'm fukd when the real comes along 'cos this fucker has knocked for six….. Stroll on Pinocchio
I have to say that this episode put shivers down my spine yet again. I got to thinking where I was in my life when I wrote that entry, or at least where I thought I was and where I was hoping to get to. I thought about all the anguish I had built up inside, all the confusion that surrounded me. In a way this made me smile because I realised that things were falling together. So many things I'd wanted to achieve then well I have a lot of them now, or at least I think I have. This morning I realised how much has changed and for the better.
I'm smiling right now, both inside and out, I set things out for myself and they have worked although its hard to fathom that this was four months ago. I'm such a different person from what I was then, and I like this person, somehow this person found a hammer and broke down his walls, I fell off the cliff but I found my feet when I did. It hasn't been easy though, I know no-one said it would be but Christ it's been hard, I've had to admit and learn even more about myself that I perhaps didn't want but it's definitely good that I have.
When I went away in July I tried so hard to leave here without any preconceptions on what it might be like or what I might experience but looking back I think going there is one of the things that really helped, I was given a lot of time. I had a lot of time to question the dark things but I was also given the power to rediscover the good things, perhaps that maybe I've been able to see some light all along but I've just not let myself. I was able to remember that there are good things around me, I have seen good things, and I'd just forgotten how to see them again.
Over all I guess I'm proud of myself? Yeah, for the first time in a very long time I guess I am. I don't think I can recall a time I truly set out to do something and actually achieve it. I went away and I came back with some answers, answers that have help become a stronger person. After four months of more obstacles and boundaries, I've been given more clues to the map. I went into town today to pick up a few bits and bobs, I can't really explain how I was feeling but I guess I kinda felt that nothing could bother me, not that I was invincible but just that perhaps I was shielded in some way, I dunno?
As I walked around looking at all the nameless faces I felt rejuvenated within myself, had I truly found who I'm meant to be? I could sit here and babble more about my feelings and thoughts on where I've ended up but I think that would be detrimental to both you and I but before I say goodnight I'd like to say thank you to the people who helped me get where I am, you know who you are even if some of you never see this.