[You Can't Always Get What You Want]
Muse: Laine Anderson (OC)
Track: You Can't Always Get What You Want
Artist: The Rolling Stones
Album: Forty Licks
I spent most of my day at the courthouse today. I didn't want to be there. Didn't want to be doing what I had to be there for. I didn't want to see Colt. Jesus Christ Almighty, I did not want to see that man. That man.
How does a body go from being one of your childhood pals and best friends to 'that man'? How could I have been so stupid, trusting, naive? I thought I knew him. I loved him like part of my family. Like a brother.
I suppose that's apt, ain't it? Family. Caine and Abel. One brother killing the other over jealousy and rage.
Mother Mary...God help me.
I've been saying that a lot lately, in prayers. God help me. I ain't so sure he's listening to me right now because I have never felt so damned unsure about anything in my life. I've never questioned so many things. Felt this lost. It's like I've been spinning in circles trying to keep up and catch on, only now I'm so dizzy from all the turning that I can't see straight and I feel sick to my stomach.
And you know what? It's not just Coltrane and what he did to my brother. It's not even just Wesley and wondering if I ever really knew him at all. It's not just Jackson and the way our friendship has been pulling apart in the last year. The last five years of my life. The next five. Spur of the moment flights to New Mexico. Crying on Margene's shoulder instead of the other way around for a change. Not knowing what I want. Knowing what I want. Being so damned scared to ask for what I want.
Not being able to trust myself.
I never thought this would be me. I don't do this. I do not fall apart and lose it. Not like this. I'm the staid one. The rock. The level head. Everyone else's pillar of strength. I get things done and right the first time.
And now I can't because I don't know how. And if I do...Oh, God. I just can't.
And I don't like this. I really think I'm losing my mind and no one else can see it.
Maybe I'm crazy.
Am I?
I want my life back. I want some semblance of sanity and stability. I want...I want.
I want.
Track: You Can't Always Get What You Want
Artist: The Rolling Stones
Album: Forty Licks
I spent most of my day at the courthouse today. I didn't want to be there. Didn't want to be doing what I had to be there for. I didn't want to see Colt. Jesus Christ Almighty, I did not want to see that man. That man.
How does a body go from being one of your childhood pals and best friends to 'that man'? How could I have been so stupid, trusting, naive? I thought I knew him. I loved him like part of my family. Like a brother.
I suppose that's apt, ain't it? Family. Caine and Abel. One brother killing the other over jealousy and rage.
Mother Mary...God help me.
I've been saying that a lot lately, in prayers. God help me. I ain't so sure he's listening to me right now because I have never felt so damned unsure about anything in my life. I've never questioned so many things. Felt this lost. It's like I've been spinning in circles trying to keep up and catch on, only now I'm so dizzy from all the turning that I can't see straight and I feel sick to my stomach.
And you know what? It's not just Coltrane and what he did to my brother. It's not even just Wesley and wondering if I ever really knew him at all. It's not just Jackson and the way our friendship has been pulling apart in the last year. The last five years of my life. The next five. Spur of the moment flights to New Mexico. Crying on Margene's shoulder instead of the other way around for a change. Not knowing what I want. Knowing what I want. Being so damned scared to ask for what I want.
Not being able to trust myself.
I never thought this would be me. I don't do this. I do not fall apart and lose it. Not like this. I'm the staid one. The rock. The level head. Everyone else's pillar of strength. I get things done and right the first time.
And now I can't because I don't know how. And if I do...Oh, God. I just can't.
And I don't like this. I really think I'm losing my mind and no one else can see it.
Maybe I'm crazy.
Am I?
I want my life back. I want some semblance of sanity and stability. I want...I want.
I want.