Fic: Cheek to Cheek (English Translation) by nilthoron
Author: nilthoron
Rating: PG
Characters: Dean and Castiel, Sam
Warnings: man and man kiss
Spoilers: Some of 501, 502, 506 lightly.
Notes: When I'm short of idea for a story, I thought why not translating some Chinese Dean/Cas fic that I like. Thanks lovely nilthoron , who is one of my favorite Chinese writer, for allowing me lay my hands on this one. I usually translate from English to Chinese, now it's a whole new level of work! Guh, I hate my English now. Can't convey the whole warm lovely atmosphere in the story, which I thought is perfect for winter. :) Here's the link to the original work in Chinese.
Summary: nilthoron was inspired by a scene in another slash, in which Dean and Castiel were dancing together (old style). Cheek to Cheek is the theme song of movie Top Hat (1935), leading by Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. The scene mentioned in this fic can be watched here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYHZh-xnqhE. She loves the song, but Alastair also sang the song on the cross, please scratch that from your mind! And the story of little mermaid is not the happy-ending one by Disney; she referred to the Anderson version.
Dean likes his angel. This is a secret he has been keeping to himself very carefully. Though sometimes he almost gives himself away with a little too earnest stare, a little too tender smile, or a little too intimate touch; Dean thinks he's managed it well generally. Castiel is his angel, more his friend though - any imagination beyond this would be blasphemy.
Dean has been feeling responsible for the angel ever since he turned his back on the Heaven for him. Castiel lost his brothers and sisters; couldn't go home any more; died once, and his power is fading away - all for Dean. The angel never said anything - except that one time he lost control, when Dean wouldn't give him his amulet even after he killed two angels to save the Winchester boys - he's usually silent, obedient, appearing anytime when Dean calls. He's like the sunflower always heading for the sun, which used to be his Father, and now Dean; as if the only goal in his life is to look up to them, up till withering and fall.
Castiel's dedication brings ache to Dean's heart, as he totally understands such feelings. Dean used to be a sunflower too, looking up to his father, and then his brother. Sam, especially Sammy, Dean would do everything for him. Going to hell? Out of question. Dean doesn't regret whatever he did for Sam. Had he lived his life all over again, he would've made the same choices. Dean knows damn well how it feels when you love someone else too much to feel for yourself; so he can hardly breathe whenever recalls the moment Castiel laid his hand on his forehead telling him firmly "I'll hold them all off", and sent him to Sam while leaving himself to death. Dean still has Sam, but the angel has nothing now - all because of Dean.
Now Castiel is back. Though not the fully functional angel, it's still Castiel, the Castiel who always cares for Dean, who would always do anything for Dean. Dean was reluctant to give up the amulet; it's like cutting out part of his body. But the angel seldom asks for anything, Dean can only help him this much now. And Sammy's still here. That's enough for the hunter.
Dean wants to make up to his angel, not exactly out of guilt. Ever since Sam and he decided to go their separate ways to calm down for a little while, Dean and Castiel have been closer, as friends though. Dean's feelings for him have become stronger day after day, even after Sam came back. It's not fading away, not any tiny little bit. If someday, the angel really turns into human unfortunately, Dean would take care of him for the rest of his life. It's not a benefaction to some kitten or puppy; but because he would love to spend the rest of his life with Castiel, uh, if they would have the chance to live it, and if their future wouldn't become as broken as Zachariah showed him - it could be a pretty good idea. Dean would never let the angel break into pieces as in 2014; he'd rather break his own arms and legs. He never told Castiel these thoughts, so chick-flick, so not what a friend should do or consider.
Giving the angel whatever he wants, is Dean's new policy. One day Sam worked all night on some research, and he lay down on the back seat as soon as got in the Impala. Dean didn't waste the chance to talk Castiel into the vacant passenger seat. He said they could discuss more about Lucifer and the plan to find God. Dean wants to stay with the angel longer, to keep him in his sight longer, to talk with him longer. Castiel doesn't like moving in a car; the iron box is confining and slow for him. However, he still got in as obediently as ever, and sat there like the most well-behaved child in the class, laying both hands on his lap, staring straight at the front.
Castiel's silence made Dean nervous. He knew the angel was depressed recently. He has been quieter since Sam's back. No progress in searching for God also made him disheartened. To distract Castiel from his brooding, Dean started talking aimlessly and making jokes which were not funny at all, but the angel remained poker-faced. Then, just like any other guy who tried to break the ice after inviting his dream lover into the car, Dean asked: "Hey Cass, you want some music? It's kinda quiet in here. Pick whatever you like!"
“May I?” The angel looked overwhelmed. After some serious thought, he accepted Dean’s offer carefully, “Thank you, Dean. Then I’d like to listen to just one song.”
Dean didn’t do anything but let him pick the song, and he was grateful as if Dean granted him a castle - Dean felt like bunch of needles poking at his heart. “Sure, whatever you like.”
Castiel touched the Impala's radio with two fingers, and then some hymn came out. Dean grimaced. He shouldn't be surprised. What could be wrong with an angel listening to a hymn, not to mention Castiel's face turned tender and relaxed the moment he heard the music. It reminded Dean one time he woke up late at night seeing Castiel, instead of watching over him, standing beside the window on his knees under the moonlight, lowering his head, crossing the fingers, praying with his heart, "Father, please guide me, please point the way to find you..." Dean didn't interrupt him; it's too private. He just lay there gazing at the angel's devout back.
So that's it, as long as Cass is happy, he would give him whatever he wants. Dean didn't feel like arguing with him about taste of music at such moment. Anyway, Cass said just one song, so he can deal with it. And an hour later, the radio was still playing the melodious sound of viol, and the sacred and majestic four-voice-part chorus praising the Lord, may the Lord answering His servants' prayer and their pleas for mercy. Dean was griping the steering wheel harder and harder, knuckles whitening, body shaking slightly. He had to put all his strength on the steering wheel so that he wouldn’t start pulling out his hairs.
"Dean, are you OK?" The angel touched the hunter's arm tenderly, soothing him a little bit.
The hunter grimaced, "No, no... nothing. I'm OK!"
Like hell! Dean screamed in his brain, "Whoever please stop the fucking music! They've been singing the hymn for over an hour! For fuck's sake, when is it going to an end!" However, it's really nothing compared to what Castiel did for him. Dean kept telling himself to be a man. "As long as Cass is happy", he repeated in his mind, until he almost lost his consciousness and his soul was about to leave his body - the radio finally became quiet. Castiel touched it with his finger, and there you go, Led Zeppelin. Dean felt like reborn to the earth.
"I'm not complaining here, but the song you just listened to, it's kinda... long."
"Messiah, the full length is 2 hours and a half."
Dean raised one side of the eyebrows. He swore he saw some smirk on Castiel's face, though as short as a blink of the eyes. Oh that's just great, you frigging angel surely has spent enough time with me to learn to play a prank, you little bastard. No, I am the bastard; I have the bad influence on you. Dean smiled at the angel fondly, whatever you want, as long as you are happy.
Aside from music, the angel really shares no taste with the hunter on movies - he has his own preferences, though it's the hunter who let him know the fun of them. Dean prefers watching action movies no need of much thinking, or porn with all kinds of noise. Castiel shows no interest in those exciting styles; he prefers literary films, or Disney cartoons, especially old classics - the older the better. World in those movies is more peaceful and lovely, without much conspiracy or evil. Dean always leaves the choice to Castiel, holds back his yawns, and stays with him, watching Humphrey Bogart drinking and thinking about Ingrid Bergman, "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine", or Gene Kelly singing and dancing in the middle of the rain with his umbrella after dating his beloved girl, or Vivien Leigh crying and pleading Clark Gable not to leave her. Those movies are of the same level with tax law, which can make him sleep in 3 seconds, but as long as Cass is happy, he will give him whatever he wants.
Not as serious or stiff as usual, Castiel shows quite some emotions while watching movies, and Dean loves to observing his reactions. Castiel likes schmoopy plots, such as the guy and the chick kissing and holding hands and walking into the sunset, or the prince and princess living happily ever after. He gasped when Snow White bit the poisoned apple; he smiled when Cinderella danced with the prince to the sweet melody of "This is love"; he was enchanted by Audrey Hepburn's cuteness as she was having bread and coffee while looking at the window of Tiffany & Co in the music of Moon River; he could barely hold back his tears when Cary Grant waited for Deborah Kerr sadly at the Empire State Building though she would never be able to appear because of the accident. When it's bad ending, like Juliet stabbing herself desperately, Dean had to comfort the heart-breaking angel that at least she could be with Romeo forever.
Once Castiel tuned to a horror movie accidentally, to Dean's surprise, he seemed to be scared of the fake killings. When the freak who dressed himself into his dead mom stabbed at the screaming woman in the bathroom, Castiel curled his legs, hands clenching, face as white as dead. Dean leaned over and pulled him into his arm. Castiel widened his eyes like a frightened rabbit, and forced himself to finish the movie. Dean finds it unbelievable that an warrior angel, who has been to the hell and fought the demons, fears some fake blood and body parts, or is scared by some freak in a horror.
One of Castiel's favorite is an old black and white movie, Top Hat. Dean is not at all interested in a movie more than twice as old as him. He was half asleep beside Castiel, hoping to join Sam who’s already snoring. And then, the skinny male lead in the tailcoat took the female lead in his arms to dance, and sang the familiar song Dean also knows even though he has never watched the movie before -
Heaven, I'm in Heaven
And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak
And I seem to find the happiness I seek
When we're out together dancing, cheek to cheek.
The couple was whirling elegantly in the television, swiftly passing other couples around them, singing and gliding across the hall, her dress dancing with the music. Castiel couldn't take his eyes away. His lips curled into a smile, praising from the bottom of his heart.
"What a beautiful scene," Cass' voice was kinda excited, eyes still staring at the television, "Dean, do you know how to dance?"
Dean snorted, "Dance? I know more about opera!"
Ignoring Dean's joke, Castiel finished the movie, but Dean didn't make it. He found himself awake in the bed the next morning, the comforter covering up to his chin.
Aside from Castiel, Dean can never put his mind at rest for Sam. He feels especially awful seeing Sam working so hard on redemption to make up for everything. He has been worrying about his little brother all his life, trying to give him as much as he can, even those he doesn’t have. It won’t change no matter how Sam once tore him apart. “Always watch out for Sammy”, it’s a brand stamped on him since long time ago. Nevertheless, Dean feels like having some more strength now, to spare some love for someone else, for himself. If they could stop the apocalypse and everything, Dean is crystal clear, Sam won’t stay with him for ever. Dean has to set him free, and set himself free. Good things do happen, Dean gazed at himself in the mirror, I deserve Cass; I have to try harder, for Cass, for myself, for our possible future.
Of course, considering the situation, future is like a mirage to them, almost there but not really, so it’s still Dean’s job to worry about what’s happening right now. Here we comes the antichrist, a little kid, with the power to destroy the whole world. Which side he’s taking determines the future of earth, and them too. Sam insisted they trust the kid’s humanity and give him a chance. He wished Jesse can make the right choice while he couldn’t. It’s part of his redemption. But Castiel thought differently - antichrist had to be eliminated; the evil can’t be granted another chance as Sam’s failure had already proved that humanity was unreliable. They stood up to each other. Castiel even touched on Sam’s sore spot to irritate him. “We are not going to kill him” popped out of Dean without thinking. He’s not picking a side, just out of instinct. Castiel seemed not happy with it and disappeared full of anger.
Cass failed to kill the antichrist, but he realized Jesse’s also a human, who might make mistakes, but is also able to make the right choice. Dean has been with him in the impala after he changed back from the action figure. He tried to explain as tender as possible that he wasn’t NOT on his side, but he really couldn’t lay his hands on a child. Castiel finally gave up and lowered his shoulders, “I’m not blaming you, not at all. And Sam’s proved right.”
Seeing him like this, Dean couldn’t withhold himself behind the line of friendship anymore. He pulled Castiel into his arms at the back seat, pouring all his apologies to the angel. Millions of SORRYs slipped out of his mouth one after another. Castiel answered, “It’s all right. You are worthy, Dean.” Then he sealed Dean’s mouth with his lips to stop him. Dean kissed back in shock, and enjoyed the angel’s taste with some guilt of taking advantage of him. Dean’s whole body screamed for more, hands moving before his brain could react. He ripped the angel’s trench coat off, pulled down his tie, and spread hot kisses all the way down. The angel felt like burning into ashes, but he didn’t care, fingers sinking into the hunter’s arms - let it burn. He panted shakily when Dean put his hands under his shirt and held his waist, when Sam’s surprising face appeared outside the window suddenly. Dean pushed Castiel away as if got an electric shock, his breath in a mess, face as hot as a stone exposed to July’s sun. Dean rushed out of the car, and tried to explain like a husband who’s caught by his wife in the middle of an affair.
He mumbled, “Uhhh, Sam, listen, I’m just... ”
Sam waved embarrassedly, “Dean, you don’t have to explain to me. You and Cass, I totally understand.” He smiled, “I’m just curious why it didn’t happen earlier.”
Dean was startled by Sam’s words. It’s like a slap on his face, suddenly waking him up. What is he trying to explain? Why does he need to explain to Sam? Why is he so upset when he realizes he loves someone else more than Sam? Why did he push away the one he’s always been longing for because of his brother? What an idiot!
Sam tapped on his shoulder and walked into the room. When Dean finally turned back to Castiel, he’s not there any more.
The brothers never talked about this since then, or Sam wanted to, but Dean didn’t. He left their location on Castiel’s voicemail every time they arrived at a new motel, but Castiel refused to show up.
Once they came across a store, and Dean saw some classic movie DVDs on sale. Though they’re already short of cash, Dean still paid for every single movie Castiel had watched according to his memory. Late that night after Sam’s asleep, he put Top Hat into the player. Ginger Rogers’ dancing dress reminded him the angel’s beige trench coat, always swinging along with his walking. He downed the liquor in his hand in one gulp, alcohol burning his throat sharply.
One evening, Sam met a blonde in the bar. Her hair and smile reminded him Jessica. Dean left the key of impala to him, and walked back to the motel. He bought some beer in the store around the corner, and skimmed through the newspaper briefly. Few programs worth watching today, another night for old movies.
The television was on when he opened the door, a tomato singing and dancing cheerfully in some advertisement. Dean’s angel was sitting blankly on the carpet in front of the bed, eyes staring at the television. Dean dropped the beer and rushed over to him. He got down on his knees and pulled him into his arms, finding him trembling.
“Cass, what’s going on? Are you hurt?” Dean worried. He touched the angel’s hands, and the cold freaked him out.
Castiel looked at him, tears on his face. “I am not hurt... I’m watching TV.”
“Why are you crying? What’re you watching?” Dean pulled him up and sat him on the bed, then wiped the tears off the angel’s face carefully.
“Poor little mermaid.” Castiel muttered.
“Little mermaid? You cried for the little mermaid?” It’s just some cartoon earning tears from little girls. If on some other occasions, Dean might laugh at him crying for such stupid cartoon and call him a pussy angel. But Dean’s not in the mood at this moment.
“You know what, the little mermaid, she gave up her family, her brothers and sisters, she took the bitter potion and turned into a human, all for the prince; she just wanted the prince to love her,” Castiel was talking bitterly, almost choking, “But in the end, the prince loved the princess from another country. He didn’t care what the little mermaid had done for him - her tail split, she walked with so much pain - the prince just fell for someone else. Then the little mermaid just died and dissolved into foam. Isn’t she pathetic?”
Dean realized what Castiel was talking about. It’s not about the fairy tale by the Anderson who just loved to scare the kids with piles of horrible stories; it’s about Cass himself. Dean is the damn ruthless prince. His angel has been suffering so much for him, has saved him so many times, but he still cared more for his brother. He pushed the angel away when his brother showed up. Dean always wanted to give Cass whatever he wanted, but actually, the only thing Cass ever wanted was not picking a song or a movie; it’s something Dean has been hesitating to offer. Being friends is enough? He’s deceiving himself, and hurting Castiel.
“I’m sorry.” Dean hugged Castiel tightly. Damn, he would never let the angel turn into foam and die, “The prince is a bastard, but I’m not. I will love my little mermaid, my angel, not anyone else aside from you.”
Dean’s holding him so tight, if it were some other human, he wouldn’t be able to breath, but Castiel just held him back silently and shakily, as though fearing the prince would disappear if he put too much strength on him.
“Hey, let me show you something,” Dean broke the hug, dipped on the angel’s lips lightly, and fished out a DVD from the duffle bag. He placed it in the player and pushed the preview button, “Stop watching those frigging cartoons; look at this.”
Dean stopped at the black and white scene when Fred Astaire walked into the hall and Ginger Rogers was surprised. He took Castiel’s hands, “You know, you need to sing and dance a lot in those old movies.”
Dean put his right hand on Cass’ back, left hand taking his hand which has warmed up. He didn’t know the Waltz in the movie, but that’s not important. Castiel smiled to the melody from the television.
Heaven, I'm in Heaven
And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak
And I seem to find the happiness I seek
When we're out together dancing, cheek to cheek.
Dean and Castiel embraced each other cheek to cheek without any gap between the bodies, swinging with the music, not caring if the steps were right. Dean’s humming; he couldn’t see the angel’s face now, but he knew how it’s like.
“I could be a good prince!” Dean’s nose touched Castiel’s neck, “The little mermaid’s bastard prince is nothing compared to me!”
Castiel nodded heavily. They’re dancing together, cheek to cheek, just like in the song.
Dance with me
I want my arm about you;
The charm about you
Will carry me through to Heaven
“Cass, I’m sorry that you lost so much because of me. I owe you all of it.” Dean’s voice is filled with tender love, and more of regret, “I want to give you whatever you want. Now tell me, is this what you wanted? Is this what you gave up the Heaven for?”
“I never gave up Heaven,” the angel muttered to Dean, “I’m already there.”
End
Rating: PG
Characters: Dean and Castiel, Sam
Warnings: man and man kiss
Spoilers: Some of 501, 502, 506 lightly.
Notes: When I'm short of idea for a story, I thought why not translating some Chinese Dean/Cas fic that I like. Thanks lovely nilthoron , who is one of my favorite Chinese writer, for allowing me lay my hands on this one. I usually translate from English to Chinese, now it's a whole new level of work! Guh, I hate my English now. Can't convey the whole warm lovely atmosphere in the story, which I thought is perfect for winter. :) Here's the link to the original work in Chinese.
Summary: nilthoron was inspired by a scene in another slash, in which Dean and Castiel were dancing together (old style). Cheek to Cheek is the theme song of movie Top Hat (1935), leading by Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. The scene mentioned in this fic can be watched here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYHZh-xnqhE. She loves the song, but Alastair also sang the song on the cross, please scratch that from your mind! And the story of little mermaid is not the happy-ending one by Disney; she referred to the Anderson version.
Dean likes his angel. This is a secret he has been keeping to himself very carefully. Though sometimes he almost gives himself away with a little too earnest stare, a little too tender smile, or a little too intimate touch; Dean thinks he's managed it well generally. Castiel is his angel, more his friend though - any imagination beyond this would be blasphemy.
Dean has been feeling responsible for the angel ever since he turned his back on the Heaven for him. Castiel lost his brothers and sisters; couldn't go home any more; died once, and his power is fading away - all for Dean. The angel never said anything - except that one time he lost control, when Dean wouldn't give him his amulet even after he killed two angels to save the Winchester boys - he's usually silent, obedient, appearing anytime when Dean calls. He's like the sunflower always heading for the sun, which used to be his Father, and now Dean; as if the only goal in his life is to look up to them, up till withering and fall.
Castiel's dedication brings ache to Dean's heart, as he totally understands such feelings. Dean used to be a sunflower too, looking up to his father, and then his brother. Sam, especially Sammy, Dean would do everything for him. Going to hell? Out of question. Dean doesn't regret whatever he did for Sam. Had he lived his life all over again, he would've made the same choices. Dean knows damn well how it feels when you love someone else too much to feel for yourself; so he can hardly breathe whenever recalls the moment Castiel laid his hand on his forehead telling him firmly "I'll hold them all off", and sent him to Sam while leaving himself to death. Dean still has Sam, but the angel has nothing now - all because of Dean.
Now Castiel is back. Though not the fully functional angel, it's still Castiel, the Castiel who always cares for Dean, who would always do anything for Dean. Dean was reluctant to give up the amulet; it's like cutting out part of his body. But the angel seldom asks for anything, Dean can only help him this much now. And Sammy's still here. That's enough for the hunter.
Dean wants to make up to his angel, not exactly out of guilt. Ever since Sam and he decided to go their separate ways to calm down for a little while, Dean and Castiel have been closer, as friends though. Dean's feelings for him have become stronger day after day, even after Sam came back. It's not fading away, not any tiny little bit. If someday, the angel really turns into human unfortunately, Dean would take care of him for the rest of his life. It's not a benefaction to some kitten or puppy; but because he would love to spend the rest of his life with Castiel, uh, if they would have the chance to live it, and if their future wouldn't become as broken as Zachariah showed him - it could be a pretty good idea. Dean would never let the angel break into pieces as in 2014; he'd rather break his own arms and legs. He never told Castiel these thoughts, so chick-flick, so not what a friend should do or consider.
Giving the angel whatever he wants, is Dean's new policy. One day Sam worked all night on some research, and he lay down on the back seat as soon as got in the Impala. Dean didn't waste the chance to talk Castiel into the vacant passenger seat. He said they could discuss more about Lucifer and the plan to find God. Dean wants to stay with the angel longer, to keep him in his sight longer, to talk with him longer. Castiel doesn't like moving in a car; the iron box is confining and slow for him. However, he still got in as obediently as ever, and sat there like the most well-behaved child in the class, laying both hands on his lap, staring straight at the front.
Castiel's silence made Dean nervous. He knew the angel was depressed recently. He has been quieter since Sam's back. No progress in searching for God also made him disheartened. To distract Castiel from his brooding, Dean started talking aimlessly and making jokes which were not funny at all, but the angel remained poker-faced. Then, just like any other guy who tried to break the ice after inviting his dream lover into the car, Dean asked: "Hey Cass, you want some music? It's kinda quiet in here. Pick whatever you like!"
“May I?” The angel looked overwhelmed. After some serious thought, he accepted Dean’s offer carefully, “Thank you, Dean. Then I’d like to listen to just one song.”
Dean didn’t do anything but let him pick the song, and he was grateful as if Dean granted him a castle - Dean felt like bunch of needles poking at his heart. “Sure, whatever you like.”
Castiel touched the Impala's radio with two fingers, and then some hymn came out. Dean grimaced. He shouldn't be surprised. What could be wrong with an angel listening to a hymn, not to mention Castiel's face turned tender and relaxed the moment he heard the music. It reminded Dean one time he woke up late at night seeing Castiel, instead of watching over him, standing beside the window on his knees under the moonlight, lowering his head, crossing the fingers, praying with his heart, "Father, please guide me, please point the way to find you..." Dean didn't interrupt him; it's too private. He just lay there gazing at the angel's devout back.
So that's it, as long as Cass is happy, he would give him whatever he wants. Dean didn't feel like arguing with him about taste of music at such moment. Anyway, Cass said just one song, so he can deal with it. And an hour later, the radio was still playing the melodious sound of viol, and the sacred and majestic four-voice-part chorus praising the Lord, may the Lord answering His servants' prayer and their pleas for mercy. Dean was griping the steering wheel harder and harder, knuckles whitening, body shaking slightly. He had to put all his strength on the steering wheel so that he wouldn’t start pulling out his hairs.
"Dean, are you OK?" The angel touched the hunter's arm tenderly, soothing him a little bit.
The hunter grimaced, "No, no... nothing. I'm OK!"
Like hell! Dean screamed in his brain, "Whoever please stop the fucking music! They've been singing the hymn for over an hour! For fuck's sake, when is it going to an end!" However, it's really nothing compared to what Castiel did for him. Dean kept telling himself to be a man. "As long as Cass is happy", he repeated in his mind, until he almost lost his consciousness and his soul was about to leave his body - the radio finally became quiet. Castiel touched it with his finger, and there you go, Led Zeppelin. Dean felt like reborn to the earth.
"I'm not complaining here, but the song you just listened to, it's kinda... long."
"Messiah, the full length is 2 hours and a half."
Dean raised one side of the eyebrows. He swore he saw some smirk on Castiel's face, though as short as a blink of the eyes. Oh that's just great, you frigging angel surely has spent enough time with me to learn to play a prank, you little bastard. No, I am the bastard; I have the bad influence on you. Dean smiled at the angel fondly, whatever you want, as long as you are happy.
Aside from music, the angel really shares no taste with the hunter on movies - he has his own preferences, though it's the hunter who let him know the fun of them. Dean prefers watching action movies no need of much thinking, or porn with all kinds of noise. Castiel shows no interest in those exciting styles; he prefers literary films, or Disney cartoons, especially old classics - the older the better. World in those movies is more peaceful and lovely, without much conspiracy or evil. Dean always leaves the choice to Castiel, holds back his yawns, and stays with him, watching Humphrey Bogart drinking and thinking about Ingrid Bergman, "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine", or Gene Kelly singing and dancing in the middle of the rain with his umbrella after dating his beloved girl, or Vivien Leigh crying and pleading Clark Gable not to leave her. Those movies are of the same level with tax law, which can make him sleep in 3 seconds, but as long as Cass is happy, he will give him whatever he wants.
Not as serious or stiff as usual, Castiel shows quite some emotions while watching movies, and Dean loves to observing his reactions. Castiel likes schmoopy plots, such as the guy and the chick kissing and holding hands and walking into the sunset, or the prince and princess living happily ever after. He gasped when Snow White bit the poisoned apple; he smiled when Cinderella danced with the prince to the sweet melody of "This is love"; he was enchanted by Audrey Hepburn's cuteness as she was having bread and coffee while looking at the window of Tiffany & Co in the music of Moon River; he could barely hold back his tears when Cary Grant waited for Deborah Kerr sadly at the Empire State Building though she would never be able to appear because of the accident. When it's bad ending, like Juliet stabbing herself desperately, Dean had to comfort the heart-breaking angel that at least she could be with Romeo forever.
Once Castiel tuned to a horror movie accidentally, to Dean's surprise, he seemed to be scared of the fake killings. When the freak who dressed himself into his dead mom stabbed at the screaming woman in the bathroom, Castiel curled his legs, hands clenching, face as white as dead. Dean leaned over and pulled him into his arm. Castiel widened his eyes like a frightened rabbit, and forced himself to finish the movie. Dean finds it unbelievable that an warrior angel, who has been to the hell and fought the demons, fears some fake blood and body parts, or is scared by some freak in a horror.
One of Castiel's favorite is an old black and white movie, Top Hat. Dean is not at all interested in a movie more than twice as old as him. He was half asleep beside Castiel, hoping to join Sam who’s already snoring. And then, the skinny male lead in the tailcoat took the female lead in his arms to dance, and sang the familiar song Dean also knows even though he has never watched the movie before -
Heaven, I'm in Heaven
And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak
And I seem to find the happiness I seek
When we're out together dancing, cheek to cheek.
The couple was whirling elegantly in the television, swiftly passing other couples around them, singing and gliding across the hall, her dress dancing with the music. Castiel couldn't take his eyes away. His lips curled into a smile, praising from the bottom of his heart.
"What a beautiful scene," Cass' voice was kinda excited, eyes still staring at the television, "Dean, do you know how to dance?"
Dean snorted, "Dance? I know more about opera!"
Ignoring Dean's joke, Castiel finished the movie, but Dean didn't make it. He found himself awake in the bed the next morning, the comforter covering up to his chin.
Aside from Castiel, Dean can never put his mind at rest for Sam. He feels especially awful seeing Sam working so hard on redemption to make up for everything. He has been worrying about his little brother all his life, trying to give him as much as he can, even those he doesn’t have. It won’t change no matter how Sam once tore him apart. “Always watch out for Sammy”, it’s a brand stamped on him since long time ago. Nevertheless, Dean feels like having some more strength now, to spare some love for someone else, for himself. If they could stop the apocalypse and everything, Dean is crystal clear, Sam won’t stay with him for ever. Dean has to set him free, and set himself free. Good things do happen, Dean gazed at himself in the mirror, I deserve Cass; I have to try harder, for Cass, for myself, for our possible future.
Of course, considering the situation, future is like a mirage to them, almost there but not really, so it’s still Dean’s job to worry about what’s happening right now. Here we comes the antichrist, a little kid, with the power to destroy the whole world. Which side he’s taking determines the future of earth, and them too. Sam insisted they trust the kid’s humanity and give him a chance. He wished Jesse can make the right choice while he couldn’t. It’s part of his redemption. But Castiel thought differently - antichrist had to be eliminated; the evil can’t be granted another chance as Sam’s failure had already proved that humanity was unreliable. They stood up to each other. Castiel even touched on Sam’s sore spot to irritate him. “We are not going to kill him” popped out of Dean without thinking. He’s not picking a side, just out of instinct. Castiel seemed not happy with it and disappeared full of anger.
Cass failed to kill the antichrist, but he realized Jesse’s also a human, who might make mistakes, but is also able to make the right choice. Dean has been with him in the impala after he changed back from the action figure. He tried to explain as tender as possible that he wasn’t NOT on his side, but he really couldn’t lay his hands on a child. Castiel finally gave up and lowered his shoulders, “I’m not blaming you, not at all. And Sam’s proved right.”
Seeing him like this, Dean couldn’t withhold himself behind the line of friendship anymore. He pulled Castiel into his arms at the back seat, pouring all his apologies to the angel. Millions of SORRYs slipped out of his mouth one after another. Castiel answered, “It’s all right. You are worthy, Dean.” Then he sealed Dean’s mouth with his lips to stop him. Dean kissed back in shock, and enjoyed the angel’s taste with some guilt of taking advantage of him. Dean’s whole body screamed for more, hands moving before his brain could react. He ripped the angel’s trench coat off, pulled down his tie, and spread hot kisses all the way down. The angel felt like burning into ashes, but he didn’t care, fingers sinking into the hunter’s arms - let it burn. He panted shakily when Dean put his hands under his shirt and held his waist, when Sam’s surprising face appeared outside the window suddenly. Dean pushed Castiel away as if got an electric shock, his breath in a mess, face as hot as a stone exposed to July’s sun. Dean rushed out of the car, and tried to explain like a husband who’s caught by his wife in the middle of an affair.
He mumbled, “Uhhh, Sam, listen, I’m just... ”
Sam waved embarrassedly, “Dean, you don’t have to explain to me. You and Cass, I totally understand.” He smiled, “I’m just curious why it didn’t happen earlier.”
Dean was startled by Sam’s words. It’s like a slap on his face, suddenly waking him up. What is he trying to explain? Why does he need to explain to Sam? Why is he so upset when he realizes he loves someone else more than Sam? Why did he push away the one he’s always been longing for because of his brother? What an idiot!
Sam tapped on his shoulder and walked into the room. When Dean finally turned back to Castiel, he’s not there any more.
The brothers never talked about this since then, or Sam wanted to, but Dean didn’t. He left their location on Castiel’s voicemail every time they arrived at a new motel, but Castiel refused to show up.
Once they came across a store, and Dean saw some classic movie DVDs on sale. Though they’re already short of cash, Dean still paid for every single movie Castiel had watched according to his memory. Late that night after Sam’s asleep, he put Top Hat into the player. Ginger Rogers’ dancing dress reminded him the angel’s beige trench coat, always swinging along with his walking. He downed the liquor in his hand in one gulp, alcohol burning his throat sharply.
One evening, Sam met a blonde in the bar. Her hair and smile reminded him Jessica. Dean left the key of impala to him, and walked back to the motel. He bought some beer in the store around the corner, and skimmed through the newspaper briefly. Few programs worth watching today, another night for old movies.
The television was on when he opened the door, a tomato singing and dancing cheerfully in some advertisement. Dean’s angel was sitting blankly on the carpet in front of the bed, eyes staring at the television. Dean dropped the beer and rushed over to him. He got down on his knees and pulled him into his arms, finding him trembling.
“Cass, what’s going on? Are you hurt?” Dean worried. He touched the angel’s hands, and the cold freaked him out.
Castiel looked at him, tears on his face. “I am not hurt... I’m watching TV.”
“Why are you crying? What’re you watching?” Dean pulled him up and sat him on the bed, then wiped the tears off the angel’s face carefully.
“Poor little mermaid.” Castiel muttered.
“Little mermaid? You cried for the little mermaid?” It’s just some cartoon earning tears from little girls. If on some other occasions, Dean might laugh at him crying for such stupid cartoon and call him a pussy angel. But Dean’s not in the mood at this moment.
“You know what, the little mermaid, she gave up her family, her brothers and sisters, she took the bitter potion and turned into a human, all for the prince; she just wanted the prince to love her,” Castiel was talking bitterly, almost choking, “But in the end, the prince loved the princess from another country. He didn’t care what the little mermaid had done for him - her tail split, she walked with so much pain - the prince just fell for someone else. Then the little mermaid just died and dissolved into foam. Isn’t she pathetic?”
Dean realized what Castiel was talking about. It’s not about the fairy tale by the Anderson who just loved to scare the kids with piles of horrible stories; it’s about Cass himself. Dean is the damn ruthless prince. His angel has been suffering so much for him, has saved him so many times, but he still cared more for his brother. He pushed the angel away when his brother showed up. Dean always wanted to give Cass whatever he wanted, but actually, the only thing Cass ever wanted was not picking a song or a movie; it’s something Dean has been hesitating to offer. Being friends is enough? He’s deceiving himself, and hurting Castiel.
“I’m sorry.” Dean hugged Castiel tightly. Damn, he would never let the angel turn into foam and die, “The prince is a bastard, but I’m not. I will love my little mermaid, my angel, not anyone else aside from you.”
Dean’s holding him so tight, if it were some other human, he wouldn’t be able to breath, but Castiel just held him back silently and shakily, as though fearing the prince would disappear if he put too much strength on him.
“Hey, let me show you something,” Dean broke the hug, dipped on the angel’s lips lightly, and fished out a DVD from the duffle bag. He placed it in the player and pushed the preview button, “Stop watching those frigging cartoons; look at this.”
Dean stopped at the black and white scene when Fred Astaire walked into the hall and Ginger Rogers was surprised. He took Castiel’s hands, “You know, you need to sing and dance a lot in those old movies.”
Dean put his right hand on Cass’ back, left hand taking his hand which has warmed up. He didn’t know the Waltz in the movie, but that’s not important. Castiel smiled to the melody from the television.
Heaven, I'm in Heaven
And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak
And I seem to find the happiness I seek
When we're out together dancing, cheek to cheek.
Dean and Castiel embraced each other cheek to cheek without any gap between the bodies, swinging with the music, not caring if the steps were right. Dean’s humming; he couldn’t see the angel’s face now, but he knew how it’s like.
“I could be a good prince!” Dean’s nose touched Castiel’s neck, “The little mermaid’s bastard prince is nothing compared to me!”
Castiel nodded heavily. They’re dancing together, cheek to cheek, just like in the song.
Dance with me
I want my arm about you;
The charm about you
Will carry me through to Heaven
“Cass, I’m sorry that you lost so much because of me. I owe you all of it.” Dean’s voice is filled with tender love, and more of regret, “I want to give you whatever you want. Now tell me, is this what you wanted? Is this what you gave up the Heaven for?”
“I never gave up Heaven,” the angel muttered to Dean, “I’m already there.”
End