feelings
today i saw a tweet on my timeline saying how infj claim themselves as murderers and actually murder something (lol). i know this shouldn't be taken seriously but seeing this the only thing i could think of is how i've been constantly struggling to kill my own feelings. sometimes they can be very hard to handle, frustrating, and unnecessary.
this past year, life has been very complicated. sometimes i can be happy, other times i can not. when things are good it feels truly good, but when it's bad it affects everything that i can't even sleep well. during those hard times, i started to develop a belief that maybe my feelings don't even matter and even if it does, there's nothing important about it. being invalidated most of the time have made me believe that other people's feelings appear to be more important than mine, and maybe that's true. maybe that's true, that sometimes i feel like i can bear being unhappy, but i can't do it if people i love don't have the happiness they deserve. that secondhand happiness matter more than my own. i want to feel numb so much that sometimes it feels fearful to be happy. i almost feel like it's a sign of something bad--that when happiness comes it would be followed by sadness and other feelings i resent.
i genuinely believe that people i love deserve to be loved and happy. it i can be the reason behind it, then that's really great. but if i can't, then it's okay, too. i know depending on people is not something ideal, living a hard life like this. but i feel like it would be even more terrifying to imagine your own feelings crush you because you don't even know if they're valid or if they're unnecessary. i don't know if the 'happiness' i'm looking for is real and if it everlasts or if it's just a goal that helps me keep going. but anyway, this post sums up how i've come to an acceptance that maybe my feelings are not important, and that happiness might not be something important either, and that's okay. if that's only an illumination that helps me through the day, something temporary, then it is okay.
this past year, life has been very complicated. sometimes i can be happy, other times i can not. when things are good it feels truly good, but when it's bad it affects everything that i can't even sleep well. during those hard times, i started to develop a belief that maybe my feelings don't even matter and even if it does, there's nothing important about it. being invalidated most of the time have made me believe that other people's feelings appear to be more important than mine, and maybe that's true. maybe that's true, that sometimes i feel like i can bear being unhappy, but i can't do it if people i love don't have the happiness they deserve. that secondhand happiness matter more than my own. i want to feel numb so much that sometimes it feels fearful to be happy. i almost feel like it's a sign of something bad--that when happiness comes it would be followed by sadness and other feelings i resent.
i genuinely believe that people i love deserve to be loved and happy. it i can be the reason behind it, then that's really great. but if i can't, then it's okay, too. i know depending on people is not something ideal, living a hard life like this. but i feel like it would be even more terrifying to imagine your own feelings crush you because you don't even know if they're valid or if they're unnecessary. i don't know if the 'happiness' i'm looking for is real and if it everlasts or if it's just a goal that helps me keep going. but anyway, this post sums up how i've come to an acceptance that maybe my feelings are not important, and that happiness might not be something important either, and that's okay. if that's only an illumination that helps me through the day, something temporary, then it is okay.