The Chemicals Between Us
Some are to more than one person. Some are for the same person. Regardless, here are some things I have not said. It's the same thing as that old school "write 20 things to different people that you would say at this moment" only extended and without rules. This is a try at catharsis.
1. I miss you so much. It still makes me sad to know I will barely see you this summer.
2. I probably should not have kissed you on the cheek that one time. Though I do feel bad for not doing it again when we said goodbye because I think you were expecting me to, especially after you kissed my forehead.
3. I probably should have kissed you when I had the chance. I actually was planning to....
4. I miss the comfort of having you around, which is probably why everything got so complicated for a while. Things are better now, but I still miss you sometimes.
5. It scares me how much I cared when you got a girlfriend though I don't think I will ever be able to tell you that.
6. I don't like the way you handled the entire situation all year because I feel like you could be in a relationship now if you played your cards right and he wasn't so awkward about it. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's your fault it didn't work out, but it takes two to make a thing go right and I don't think either of you knew what to expect.
7. You need to learn to grow up. You're going to be 20 and still don't know how to deal with people on a more intimate level and it depresses me. I wish you would talk to me or at least someone at school.
8. It bothers me that you don't talk to me about anything going on with you, yet you still find it okay to ask me about me. I appreciate it a lot, I really do, especially since a lot of other people close to me do not always ask, but I still don't like that you will not open up to me. I can't force you to talk, but even if I could I wouldn't because it doesn't mean the same.
9. I think you think I'm a slut. Or at least slutty. I can't really blame you because of what happened, though I disagree entirely. But I could never tell you that.
10. You may be clinically depressed but I know you're strong enough to handle it which is probably why I don't always know what to tell you.
11. I missed having lunch with you so much this past month and a half.
12. I hate how neither of us call each other sometimes.
13. You're not always that down-to-earth but you're very logical and intelligent. But you need to stop giving in to the pressure you feel from some of your peers.
14. I think it's a good idea that you live at your frat next year so that you can get away from certain people on your hall, though I think it'd be better for you to know how to talk to them without feeling so bad sometimes. I'm glad you talked to me about it, though, and that it's getting better.
15. You need to calm the fuck down. I'm afraid you're going to burn out before you're 20 because you know that's the road you're choosing but just do not change because your mindset tells you you're a failure otherwise. I'm glad that I got you to distract yourself for 2-3 hours the night before our organic chemistry final.
16. I'm sorry that I don't talk to you more about boys and other more deep and interesting things aside from p-sets because I really do miss you. You're so full of life and get excited by so many things--it's enviable.
17. I'm sorry that I usually have nothing to say to you.
18. I'm sorry you might have failed.
19. Please talk to S^3. I want you to come back.
20. You were the first person I called when I got back into town (after Jaime, that is, who was in Austin since we were planning to meet up) and you've never even been to Texas. I can safely say that you are one of the few people at MIT who I feel genuinely comfortable talking to when I have an issue or just need to talk.
21. I miss talking to you---thanks for calling me earlier today.
22. I know things will be different this summer with all of us. I just hope it isn't too drastic a change so that we don't stay in touch during sophomore year.
23. You ignored our friendship for 4 years. Possibly longer. Somehow I don't think you care too much, though, because you have your boyfriend who I have not met and actually know nothing about, but I already know isn't good enough for you, or at least not who you could be if you took a step back and realized how great, funny and intelligent you are. However, my words mean nothing to you on this subject because to you I'm just some awkward nerd who doesn't get any action. I just wish you wouldn't filter me on your LJ friends because that really is low---you can't expect to have someone be a "best friend", or at least very close to you if you insist on shoving them away. I want you to know that I never left you.
24. I hate how so many people at the house compare me to you. I'm not like you in so many ways it's ridiculous.
25. I really hope everything works out for the best for you. You deserve it. I'm sorry everything is so terrible for you and your family---I wish I knew what to say to make it better and take it all away. At least your sister is doing better.
26. Thanks for teaching me some things about pool. I want to be able to beat you one day, though I feel like that is not going to happen.
27. I used to miss your texts. I don't really anymore, though the ones you do choose to send generally are hilarious. You are kind of ridiculous sometimes.
28. Please dump your boyfriend. Goddddd I can't believe you're still dating. You were out of line when you flicked off my sister and I still hate that you did it.
29. I wish I had your drive to put out a CD and get better recording equipment. But I don't and I don't think I ever will until I'm old and can't.
30. I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in a long time. I think that's part of the reason why I finally sent you a recording with my singing voice.
31. Sometimes, when I get lonely, I reread your messages.
31. I'm afraid that I love you.
32. I'm glad I'm living next to you next year.
33. I wish I talked to you more. I hate growing up for exactly that reason.
34. You surprised me when you told me you were jealous of how chill I am about everything. I was not expecting that at all.
35. You're so loud.