Live action Disney movie by the man who remade Planet of the Apes!!!
Why Tim Burton’s Alice in wonderland sucked. A Rant by MB McClain.
This movie should have been great. There was no logical reason why it shouldn’t have. But logic and possability do not often factor into our lives these days.
Ugh.
Ok before I begin I’ll go over 3 things I liked about the movie.
#1. Alice, they did pick a bang up Actress who perfectly fell in the gap between pretty, creepy, British, and all around great. 100% pleased with her.
#2. the Chesire cat. Usually this is the character that annoys me the most in this story. Half the time I don’t understand it and if I ever encountered it reality I’d probably punch it in the face. In the original story I’m never sure if the cat’s trying to help Alice or just fuck with her. All the same, in this movie it looked pretty cool. I think it would even glow in the dark. Though re-thinking it over right now like I just have, I realised it really never tried hard to fuck with her.
#3. the Queen of Hearts, Helena Carter did a hell of job this character was basicly unaltered from this original form, with the minor exception of being fused with the Red Queen, which isn’t a new concept at all, but I hate this character because she annoys me. Does that count?
#3 again, well fine those armored playing cards were fucking cool.
Oh and also the March Hare was alright, and some decent quotes came out of the movie, and hell some things in it looked cool.
Oh and I’ll praise one more thing about the movie. They were very scientific and precise in keeping Alice’s size and proportions accurate. In terms of the world, her clothes, and everything. That made me happy.
Anyhow Alice in wonderland is primarilly the story of an outcast indivudal, a free thinking girl, who doesn’t stand the norms of Victorian society. She thinks everyone around her is basicly crazy, and then She gets transported to a fantastic place called Wonderland. Where everyone is even crazier and more intollerable, and ultimately, maybe in the end she learned “Where I live sucks, but theres worse places out there?” or something like that.
So Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland starts out like that, with a few alterations. Firstly they gave Alice a father, but explained he had “Gone missing” which was fine, because I expected they’d find him later. Nextly they aged Alice to the age of 19, again Fine, because I couldn’t justify myself watching a 3 hour movie about a 6 year old wandering around encountering fantastic things. …why couldn’t I? I don’t know.
Anyhow she has a breakdown because they want her to marry a british guy, and the people around her are lunatics. Totally fine, infact cool, this was all believable, it even adds an extra layer of mystery that, well maybe this movie didn’t happen, and she just had a psychiatric break down.
Anyhow then they go over the fact that this movie isn’t the normal Alice in Wonderland, it’s a sequel. Well the sequel to Alice in Wonderland is “Through the looking glass”, which this movie sorta tries to be, but does it horribly wrong.
So anyhow random crap happens where no ones really sure if the Alice in the story is the real alice, which is fine. But then it starts to get weird.
It starts going down hill as soon as Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter shows up. I have never done this before, but I am honeslty going to straight up either blame Johnny Depp for ruining this movie, or Myself, and Yourselves for wanting him to do so much in this movie, that his role in this movie inflated so much.
Ok the Mad Hatter as it should idealy be is a 2 Diemensional character. He is a drugged up psychopath, trapped in the moment who is constantly at or throwing a party with his drugged up friends, and their fun people so you hang out with them. But when you get there they’re just too far out, too far beyond you. Their still living their lives the same way they did in High school, and you know you’ve moved on. They confuse the shit out of you with backwards riddles and half questions, and eventually you get annoyed and leave. That is who the Mad Hatter is, and hes cool, hes a Hatter who has brain damage from mercury poisoning and is stuck in this one moment.
This movie totally destroys the character.
First of all, Johnny depp’s depiction, is just lazy. He never even once comes off as Mad. Quite frankly I think Jim Carrey would have done a better job. Johnny Depp’s hatter is just awkward, a teensy bit creepy, and at the worst part of the movie, he becomes a mentally retarded damsel in distress. Ugh so many things were wrong with this character. Johnny depp didn’t even do the voice right, he sounded like some weird Mix between Jack Sparrow, Willy Wonka, and with a wee bit of Scottish thrown in, based on the random assumption that the character is Scottish? The singular moment of insanity that the hatter is supposed to be trapped in, Depp never even came close too, because he was too busy walking around awkwardly and I don’t even know.
The Mad Hatter should never have been in this movie this much. He was basicly the male lead, and for all extents and purposes this movie was a Gender flipped Chronicles of Narnia where Johnny Depp was the incapable retarded Heroine. I have no clue what the hell this character was supposed to be?
The next thing wrong with the movie was that Alice ends up being a freaking Action Hero. Who wears a suit of Armor like Joan of Arc, and slays a freaking laser beam spewing dragon in a scene that made me halfway believe I was watching a trailer for Final Fantasy 13 This movie should never have had a climax like that. There are many movies that can do this, this is not one of them.
And the Jabberwock was never supposed to be taken that seriously, or even in Alice in Wonderland. It’s a minor story within a story.
The Outrageous thing is that for the most part 60% of this movie is infact the story of Jabberwock. Leading me to wonder if Tim Burton was so damn intentive on telling this story, why didn’t he just tell it properly instead of manhandling it onto Alice in Wonderland like that.
There was also a part in the movie where they flashed back to the events of the original Alice in Wonderland, and showed straight up all the characters from this movie interacting with a 6 year old girl going threw the motions. By this time in the story I’d gotten so freaking sick from watching this train wreck. That the concept of a straight telling of the original story, with a freaking cute 6 year old, looked far more appealing to me then the movie I was currently watching. It is kind of stupid to be watching a movie that for all extents and purposes is a sequel to another movie that was never made, but so many versions of the story exist we can just kind of assume what happened.
Lastly, for all that was said and done, the movie just wasn’t original. There were times when I literally though I was watching Beetlejuice, the Chronicles of Narnia, the Lord of the Rings, Transformers, and any other major big CGI shit fest that we’ve gotten so used to in recent times.
So the movie ends with no time passing in the real world, Alice realising that people around her fucked up, but she has to deal with them anyhow. Not getting married, and instead going to China, to either, search for her missing father? Or just fufil his dream of extending trade routes into asia?
Where the hell was her father!? Why didn’t they address it!? Did he die? Was he lost in Wonderland?! I thought she’d find him and save him! AUGH! Fucking Tim Burton! You and your Monkey Abraham Lincoln Memorial!!!
This movie was fucking awful. I’m halfway convinced it was Disney’s interference that ruined it. Did Burton have too much control? Or not enough? I’ll never know. Either way I’ll still see his next movie because hes one of the only original directors left in hollywood. But still what the hell!?
This should never happen again.
This movie should have been great. There was no logical reason why it shouldn’t have. But logic and possability do not often factor into our lives these days.
Ugh.
Ok before I begin I’ll go over 3 things I liked about the movie.
#1. Alice, they did pick a bang up Actress who perfectly fell in the gap between pretty, creepy, British, and all around great. 100% pleased with her.
#2. the Chesire cat. Usually this is the character that annoys me the most in this story. Half the time I don’t understand it and if I ever encountered it reality I’d probably punch it in the face. In the original story I’m never sure if the cat’s trying to help Alice or just fuck with her. All the same, in this movie it looked pretty cool. I think it would even glow in the dark. Though re-thinking it over right now like I just have, I realised it really never tried hard to fuck with her.
#3. the Queen of Hearts, Helena Carter did a hell of job this character was basicly unaltered from this original form, with the minor exception of being fused with the Red Queen, which isn’t a new concept at all, but I hate this character because she annoys me. Does that count?
#3 again, well fine those armored playing cards were fucking cool.
Oh and also the March Hare was alright, and some decent quotes came out of the movie, and hell some things in it looked cool.
Oh and I’ll praise one more thing about the movie. They were very scientific and precise in keeping Alice’s size and proportions accurate. In terms of the world, her clothes, and everything. That made me happy.
Anyhow Alice in wonderland is primarilly the story of an outcast indivudal, a free thinking girl, who doesn’t stand the norms of Victorian society. She thinks everyone around her is basicly crazy, and then She gets transported to a fantastic place called Wonderland. Where everyone is even crazier and more intollerable, and ultimately, maybe in the end she learned “Where I live sucks, but theres worse places out there?” or something like that.
So Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland starts out like that, with a few alterations. Firstly they gave Alice a father, but explained he had “Gone missing” which was fine, because I expected they’d find him later. Nextly they aged Alice to the age of 19, again Fine, because I couldn’t justify myself watching a 3 hour movie about a 6 year old wandering around encountering fantastic things. …why couldn’t I? I don’t know.
Anyhow she has a breakdown because they want her to marry a british guy, and the people around her are lunatics. Totally fine, infact cool, this was all believable, it even adds an extra layer of mystery that, well maybe this movie didn’t happen, and she just had a psychiatric break down.
Anyhow then they go over the fact that this movie isn’t the normal Alice in Wonderland, it’s a sequel. Well the sequel to Alice in Wonderland is “Through the looking glass”, which this movie sorta tries to be, but does it horribly wrong.
So anyhow random crap happens where no ones really sure if the Alice in the story is the real alice, which is fine. But then it starts to get weird.
It starts going down hill as soon as Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter shows up. I have never done this before, but I am honeslty going to straight up either blame Johnny Depp for ruining this movie, or Myself, and Yourselves for wanting him to do so much in this movie, that his role in this movie inflated so much.
Ok the Mad Hatter as it should idealy be is a 2 Diemensional character. He is a drugged up psychopath, trapped in the moment who is constantly at or throwing a party with his drugged up friends, and their fun people so you hang out with them. But when you get there they’re just too far out, too far beyond you. Their still living their lives the same way they did in High school, and you know you’ve moved on. They confuse the shit out of you with backwards riddles and half questions, and eventually you get annoyed and leave. That is who the Mad Hatter is, and hes cool, hes a Hatter who has brain damage from mercury poisoning and is stuck in this one moment.
This movie totally destroys the character.
First of all, Johnny depp’s depiction, is just lazy. He never even once comes off as Mad. Quite frankly I think Jim Carrey would have done a better job. Johnny Depp’s hatter is just awkward, a teensy bit creepy, and at the worst part of the movie, he becomes a mentally retarded damsel in distress. Ugh so many things were wrong with this character. Johnny depp didn’t even do the voice right, he sounded like some weird Mix between Jack Sparrow, Willy Wonka, and with a wee bit of Scottish thrown in, based on the random assumption that the character is Scottish? The singular moment of insanity that the hatter is supposed to be trapped in, Depp never even came close too, because he was too busy walking around awkwardly and I don’t even know.
The Mad Hatter should never have been in this movie this much. He was basicly the male lead, and for all extents and purposes this movie was a Gender flipped Chronicles of Narnia where Johnny Depp was the incapable retarded Heroine. I have no clue what the hell this character was supposed to be?
The next thing wrong with the movie was that Alice ends up being a freaking Action Hero. Who wears a suit of Armor like Joan of Arc, and slays a freaking laser beam spewing dragon in a scene that made me halfway believe I was watching a trailer for Final Fantasy 13 This movie should never have had a climax like that. There are many movies that can do this, this is not one of them.
And the Jabberwock was never supposed to be taken that seriously, or even in Alice in Wonderland. It’s a minor story within a story.
The Outrageous thing is that for the most part 60% of this movie is infact the story of Jabberwock. Leading me to wonder if Tim Burton was so damn intentive on telling this story, why didn’t he just tell it properly instead of manhandling it onto Alice in Wonderland like that.
There was also a part in the movie where they flashed back to the events of the original Alice in Wonderland, and showed straight up all the characters from this movie interacting with a 6 year old girl going threw the motions. By this time in the story I’d gotten so freaking sick from watching this train wreck. That the concept of a straight telling of the original story, with a freaking cute 6 year old, looked far more appealing to me then the movie I was currently watching. It is kind of stupid to be watching a movie that for all extents and purposes is a sequel to another movie that was never made, but so many versions of the story exist we can just kind of assume what happened.
Lastly, for all that was said and done, the movie just wasn’t original. There were times when I literally though I was watching Beetlejuice, the Chronicles of Narnia, the Lord of the Rings, Transformers, and any other major big CGI shit fest that we’ve gotten so used to in recent times.
So the movie ends with no time passing in the real world, Alice realising that people around her fucked up, but she has to deal with them anyhow. Not getting married, and instead going to China, to either, search for her missing father? Or just fufil his dream of extending trade routes into asia?
Where the hell was her father!? Why didn’t they address it!? Did he die? Was he lost in Wonderland?! I thought she’d find him and save him! AUGH! Fucking Tim Burton! You and your Monkey Abraham Lincoln Memorial!!!
This movie was fucking awful. I’m halfway convinced it was Disney’s interference that ruined it. Did Burton have too much control? Or not enough? I’ll never know. Either way I’ll still see his next movie because hes one of the only original directors left in hollywood. But still what the hell!?
This should never happen again.