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i thought i was just making myself sick
but i think maybe i really am
or maybe just
my mood has improved and my body will take longer
i'm a little tired of feeling like i'm going to vomit every time i eat, though
and feeling like i'm going to pass out every time i stand up
it's been, like, a week
motherfucker
shut up shut up shut up -
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"two weeks and i wouldn't be able to hear you for how mixed up i'd be."
today i'm crazy. i hate everything that lives in the pit of my stomach.
tuesday, unsteady
stop giving stop giving stop giving stop giving stop giving stop giving -
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hold me up
there is this knot high in my stomach, right under my ribs, that is you leaving. i need to cry about it again or i just might turn into stone. i can feel my organs bracing for impact and i don't want it, not yet. give me a few more days of bliss, body. give me this pre-reprieve, mind. -
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i feel like this helps me understand the temper of your love, the breadth. when you are in it.
i can't breathe. -
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I was so lonely that Saturday, I felt like i was drowning in it.
I felt like i wouldn't survive the ache in my heart.
I couldn't paint and I listened to You Can Sleep While I Drive on repeat for hours.
I lay on my bed, raw, until I slept.
Did i cry? I don't remember if i cried.
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I'm not sure i can deal with being this transparent. There is so much shame in everything I do. The parts of myself that I'm willing to expose come with such difficulty.
I want.
It is okay to want. Its okay if other people know that i want, how much i want -- desire is human.
(Maybe it's time to start coping with that, kid.)
There is so much ( Read more... ) -
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i've been thinking about yesterdays, and the things i miss. i don't really miss her so much as i miss how i felt then, the endless possibilities and also, how safe.
living in a place where everything is sharp and itching for my skin
i remember doing really well in things, but i cannot figure out how because all i cared about was her. i hate my --
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james,
stop being such an asshole.
and while you're taking my advice, maybe try being a little bit more
studious?
love,
me -
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i feel like i dealt with this more wrong than i have ever dealt with anything. or at least, the things i've dealt with for the past few months. i feel like i should just let myself have dealt with it wrong. accept that, move on. and i feel like this is easier said than done. i feel like. i hate doing things wrong. hate hate hate all the ( Read more... )