ok...
so lately ive felt myself being different...no...this isnt a "im coming out post" i mean...im different than i used to be in that im used to being the one that is dating someone and being incredibly enthusiastic about the relationship. Maybe more so than the other person involved...maybe too much for the other person... however lately ive noticed a change in myself. When im really interested in someone, i like them alot...until they start to like me and then i freak out. Like, if i hang out with someone and they like me and they ask to hang out again, or even just call suddenly it's like im completely terrified. granted i have had the worst relationships of anyone i know...and it's probably natural to have these sorts of feelings, and i truthfully believe i shouldnt have been dating anyone for a while since i had 3 consecutive love interests turn out to be incredibly different people than who i thought they were. there is a song i used to love by a band called allister (make fun of me now) but it says...
"You broke my guard with guiltless eyes
Devoured me like a virus from inside
And came back just to salt the wounds
Now thanks to you...
I start runnin now
(I start runnin, I'm runnin away from you)
I start runnin away
When I get too close I'm scared to stay
I start runnin now
(I start runnin, I'm runnin away from you)
I start runnin away
Now others pay for your mistakes"
i used to not be able to relate to this song but now i realize with every fall i take, im building a stronger wall against good people that might really want to treat me nicely, with respect and genuinely like me. The last girl i dated...if you know me you know who im talking about...though i say i hate her...the truth is i cared so incredibly much for her and it still bothers me what happened, and how it happened between us. it's obvious now that i wasnt 100% into what we had, whatever it was. but at the time i couldnt understand what the hell was wrong with her. and while i know she was irrational, and honestly...crazy...i feel like i wouldve been able to handle it before...i did and still do honestly care for that girl, no matter what happened...no matter who she's with. obviously im not still hung up on her...it happened a long time ago and i got over it really quickley.
but now there might be someone new...and im scared that im going to freak out when she gets too close and ruin everything again...i know i treat people nicely, ive been told that im too nice...but...i wonder if i should spend more time goofing around...or should i try for something lasting? it's hard to figure out...i dont knowwhy i even wrote this, i guess just to make me feel better...it didnt work...i dont think im getting to the heart of this, i feel like this isnt what im really feeling...but what ive convinced myself...i dont know at all...oh well...sleep maybe
also i went to bloomington to see MBD my favorite band in the whole world...they were amazing...and so were the people...god...a night ill remember for a long long time
Garrett
"You broke my guard with guiltless eyes
Devoured me like a virus from inside
And came back just to salt the wounds
Now thanks to you...
I start runnin now
(I start runnin, I'm runnin away from you)
I start runnin away
When I get too close I'm scared to stay
I start runnin now
(I start runnin, I'm runnin away from you)
I start runnin away
Now others pay for your mistakes"
i used to not be able to relate to this song but now i realize with every fall i take, im building a stronger wall against good people that might really want to treat me nicely, with respect and genuinely like me. The last girl i dated...if you know me you know who im talking about...though i say i hate her...the truth is i cared so incredibly much for her and it still bothers me what happened, and how it happened between us. it's obvious now that i wasnt 100% into what we had, whatever it was. but at the time i couldnt understand what the hell was wrong with her. and while i know she was irrational, and honestly...crazy...i feel like i wouldve been able to handle it before...i did and still do honestly care for that girl, no matter what happened...no matter who she's with. obviously im not still hung up on her...it happened a long time ago and i got over it really quickley.
but now there might be someone new...and im scared that im going to freak out when she gets too close and ruin everything again...i know i treat people nicely, ive been told that im too nice...but...i wonder if i should spend more time goofing around...or should i try for something lasting? it's hard to figure out...i dont knowwhy i even wrote this, i guess just to make me feel better...it didnt work...i dont think im getting to the heart of this, i feel like this isnt what im really feeling...but what ive convinced myself...i dont know at all...oh well...sleep maybe
also i went to bloomington to see MBD my favorite band in the whole world...they were amazing...and so were the people...god...a night ill remember for a long long time
Garrett