is the year over already?
can it really be 2007 so soon?
-january... was not a very good month. rang in the new year with a very conflicted kiss, followed by two weeks of reading period insanity and two more of exams, which needless to say were death on a 23-page blue book.
-february... began with china-- seeing family, celebrating the chinese new year, and emerging from a flu-induced fast that actually turned out to be quite spiritually cleansing. returned to school with renewed motivation, which lasted maybe 2 weeks.
-march... was basically a shitshow. bookended by my birthday weekend (aughhh AAA parties.... oh silly child, back when my life was entirely and unheathily consumed by AAA) and the weekend of DEATH. quickly fell into a state of utter exhaustion and near-debilitating fear of the future. other things converged as well-- china care being about $36,000 in the hole, AAA making ridiculous and unrealistic demands on my time, papers and midterms (followed by more papers and more midterms), no time to breathe, no time to think. it was somewhere in this month that i lost what was essentially a four-year relationship. this is also when, if i remember correctly, blocking group drama reared its ugly head and threatened to pretty much ruin all my friendships. at once. then grandfather got hospitalized, which cut me to my knees and brought things with dizzying speed back into perspective. i'm telling you, when life shits on you it doesn't hold back.
-april... continued like a train hurtling at breakneck speeds toward the brick wall that was spring break. came home to collapse into bed, and slept for two days straight-- probably more than i had slept all the last month. florida was a welcome escape. returned to do more work, and if i remember correctly, make incredibly poor decisions facilitated by alcohol, very much precipitated by the Month of Shit and catalyzed by my poor judgment. the carpet flew out from underneath me on all fronts, and classes, as well as my entire first academic year of college, ended basically without me realizing it.
-may... opened with two weeks of rain, which cambridge spitefully opted to make coincide with our two weeks of reading period. on mother's day, i called home to ask for rain boots. the end of the month brought the end of exams, and much tearful packing and tearing down of pictures, shelves, posters, memories. mother and grandfather came to help me move out to leverett, where i started dorm crew with vicky. wanted to die for two weeks straight, but killed my first cockroach (thanks, lowell).
-june... i left cambridge utterly exhausted, after playing 24-hour camp counselor to 6, 7, and 8 year olds for four days straight. waved goodbye to children and co-counselor, split my tips and packed, boarded a flight from boston to philly, moved into philly, started work at FIRE-- all in 24 hours. met some new people. drank a lot. played a lot. got really good at making coffee, using the dishwasher, and cleaning the kitchen. tried to learn to cook in my new apartment. found myself quickly on the way to becoming a domestic goddess.
-july... was great, until the weekend after fourth of july, during which many poor alcohol-induced decisions were made following a really shitty baseball game and an even shittier game of beirut, then fuck the dealer, then kingsslashpassouttogetheronmycouchdownstairsandspendthenight....oops. this pretty much defined my entire month. wrestled with my demons, alternated between feeling like a victim to feeling like the homewrecker. began to run a lot, every day. funny that i somehow felt like being physically masochistic, maybe to match my emotional masochism? or to undermine it and convince myself that the pain i felt was not only self-induced but self-controlled, like i could stop anytime i wanted to. destroyed some values and fortified others. grew up, a lot, at the expense of my sanity. insomnia.
-august... was again a month of transformations. ended my love (slash, love-hate) affair with philly, stopped by home to pick up a few things, then flew off to china for a month. fell in love with orphans in saiqi. did not fall in love with the lack of running hot water, A/C, or paved roads. saw family, including dad and two lovely, doting grandmothers. celebrated being back in the homeland without getting sick for the first time. craved cereal and chocolate, and vowed never to move permanently back to china. permed my hair, lost some weight, ended my journey of spiritual revelation with daddy's credit card and a tourist-y romp through beijing.
-september... began in china but ended in boston, with a quick jaunt through washington, d.c. in between. again, did much packing. moved into kirkland, bonded with blockmates, missed the orphans, met a shitload of new people, picked new classes, got serious about my concentration, launched into the year with renewed energy, and swore never to repeat the disaster that was freshman spring. convinced myself that a perfectly nice boy was gay, and put off seriously dating him for about another month and a half.
-october... became a long string of meetings, workshops, classes, conferences, appointments with the cubicles in lamont, cabot, and widener, not to mention kirkland basement. felt conflicted about dating, ending with halloween, during which renee came to visit and chided me to accept my newfound relationship for what it was-- nothing more, nothing less. realized how much i missed my old friends. realized how unfairly i was characterizing said newfound relationship. tried to lay off on some of the pressure.
-november... disappeared. honestly, i don't know where it went. sandwiched in between halloween and thanksgiving, with some random days off in the middle that only massachusetts would ever declare national holidays (flag day? columbus day? who knows). weather was unseasonably warm, then cold, then warm again. abby came to visit, and harvard was basically humiliated by yale. thanksgiving. home. turkey. sleep.
-december... began awkwardly, to say the least, but was saved by the fact that we all had our eyes trained on the calendar as the days crept towards christmas. the holidays were upon us. i wish i could get some more distance on this month before having to recap it (before it's even over, no less), but for now i can remember it as being defined by lots of work, followed by a little play, followed by immediate waves of overwhelming guilt at having forsaken work for even a minute of play. secret santa was cute; kirkland won over my heart. much coffee consumed during this period. then, holiday break, and having to develop an entirely new relationship with my house, my home, the empty seats at the christmas dinner table. looking back, maybe, on a long year. jesus christ, i can't believe it's over already... we've all come a long way, i think.
we live our life forward but undersatnd it backwards, like kierkegard says. i think that is more often than not a good way to justify the ridiculous amounts of introspection we sometimes allow ourselves to indulge in, even when we know it's not taking us anywhere but backwards and into the past. there is a fine line between regression, and using the past to help us look forward, let go, move on. so here's to moving on. mistakes happen. shit happens. onward.
-january... was not a very good month. rang in the new year with a very conflicted kiss, followed by two weeks of reading period insanity and two more of exams, which needless to say were death on a 23-page blue book.
-february... began with china-- seeing family, celebrating the chinese new year, and emerging from a flu-induced fast that actually turned out to be quite spiritually cleansing. returned to school with renewed motivation, which lasted maybe 2 weeks.
-march... was basically a shitshow. bookended by my birthday weekend (aughhh AAA parties.... oh silly child, back when my life was entirely and unheathily consumed by AAA) and the weekend of DEATH. quickly fell into a state of utter exhaustion and near-debilitating fear of the future. other things converged as well-- china care being about $36,000 in the hole, AAA making ridiculous and unrealistic demands on my time, papers and midterms (followed by more papers and more midterms), no time to breathe, no time to think. it was somewhere in this month that i lost what was essentially a four-year relationship. this is also when, if i remember correctly, blocking group drama reared its ugly head and threatened to pretty much ruin all my friendships. at once. then grandfather got hospitalized, which cut me to my knees and brought things with dizzying speed back into perspective. i'm telling you, when life shits on you it doesn't hold back.
-april... continued like a train hurtling at breakneck speeds toward the brick wall that was spring break. came home to collapse into bed, and slept for two days straight-- probably more than i had slept all the last month. florida was a welcome escape. returned to do more work, and if i remember correctly, make incredibly poor decisions facilitated by alcohol, very much precipitated by the Month of Shit and catalyzed by my poor judgment. the carpet flew out from underneath me on all fronts, and classes, as well as my entire first academic year of college, ended basically without me realizing it.
-may... opened with two weeks of rain, which cambridge spitefully opted to make coincide with our two weeks of reading period. on mother's day, i called home to ask for rain boots. the end of the month brought the end of exams, and much tearful packing and tearing down of pictures, shelves, posters, memories. mother and grandfather came to help me move out to leverett, where i started dorm crew with vicky. wanted to die for two weeks straight, but killed my first cockroach (thanks, lowell).
-june... i left cambridge utterly exhausted, after playing 24-hour camp counselor to 6, 7, and 8 year olds for four days straight. waved goodbye to children and co-counselor, split my tips and packed, boarded a flight from boston to philly, moved into philly, started work at FIRE-- all in 24 hours. met some new people. drank a lot. played a lot. got really good at making coffee, using the dishwasher, and cleaning the kitchen. tried to learn to cook in my new apartment. found myself quickly on the way to becoming a domestic goddess.
-july... was great, until the weekend after fourth of july, during which many poor alcohol-induced decisions were made following a really shitty baseball game and an even shittier game of beirut, then fuck the dealer, then kingsslashpassouttogetheronmycouchdownstairsandspendthenight....oops. this pretty much defined my entire month. wrestled with my demons, alternated between feeling like a victim to feeling like the homewrecker. began to run a lot, every day. funny that i somehow felt like being physically masochistic, maybe to match my emotional masochism? or to undermine it and convince myself that the pain i felt was not only self-induced but self-controlled, like i could stop anytime i wanted to. destroyed some values and fortified others. grew up, a lot, at the expense of my sanity. insomnia.
-august... was again a month of transformations. ended my love (slash, love-hate) affair with philly, stopped by home to pick up a few things, then flew off to china for a month. fell in love with orphans in saiqi. did not fall in love with the lack of running hot water, A/C, or paved roads. saw family, including dad and two lovely, doting grandmothers. celebrated being back in the homeland without getting sick for the first time. craved cereal and chocolate, and vowed never to move permanently back to china. permed my hair, lost some weight, ended my journey of spiritual revelation with daddy's credit card and a tourist-y romp through beijing.
-september... began in china but ended in boston, with a quick jaunt through washington, d.c. in between. again, did much packing. moved into kirkland, bonded with blockmates, missed the orphans, met a shitload of new people, picked new classes, got serious about my concentration, launched into the year with renewed energy, and swore never to repeat the disaster that was freshman spring. convinced myself that a perfectly nice boy was gay, and put off seriously dating him for about another month and a half.
-october... became a long string of meetings, workshops, classes, conferences, appointments with the cubicles in lamont, cabot, and widener, not to mention kirkland basement. felt conflicted about dating, ending with halloween, during which renee came to visit and chided me to accept my newfound relationship for what it was-- nothing more, nothing less. realized how much i missed my old friends. realized how unfairly i was characterizing said newfound relationship. tried to lay off on some of the pressure.
-november... disappeared. honestly, i don't know where it went. sandwiched in between halloween and thanksgiving, with some random days off in the middle that only massachusetts would ever declare national holidays (flag day? columbus day? who knows). weather was unseasonably warm, then cold, then warm again. abby came to visit, and harvard was basically humiliated by yale. thanksgiving. home. turkey. sleep.
-december... began awkwardly, to say the least, but was saved by the fact that we all had our eyes trained on the calendar as the days crept towards christmas. the holidays were upon us. i wish i could get some more distance on this month before having to recap it (before it's even over, no less), but for now i can remember it as being defined by lots of work, followed by a little play, followed by immediate waves of overwhelming guilt at having forsaken work for even a minute of play. secret santa was cute; kirkland won over my heart. much coffee consumed during this period. then, holiday break, and having to develop an entirely new relationship with my house, my home, the empty seats at the christmas dinner table. looking back, maybe, on a long year. jesus christ, i can't believe it's over already... we've all come a long way, i think.
we live our life forward but undersatnd it backwards, like kierkegard says. i think that is more often than not a good way to justify the ridiculous amounts of introspection we sometimes allow ourselves to indulge in, even when we know it's not taking us anywhere but backwards and into the past. there is a fine line between regression, and using the past to help us look forward, let go, move on. so here's to moving on. mistakes happen. shit happens. onward.