Marauders Rare Pairs ♦ Fic: Doubt Is Painful
Title: Doubt Is Painful
Author: Ravenne_Crion
Pairing: Sirius/Lily
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2139
Prompt: 18. He's pretty sure he isn't just doing this to annoy Snape. She isn't.
Warnings: None
Summary: Many factors can point to why a choice may be a bad idea. Sirius tries to convince Lily that those factors don't matter.
The slap had left a lingering pain on the right side of his cheek. Sirius was certain that if he looked in a mirror at that moment, he would see the red, throbbing outline of Lily’s deceptively fierce hand. He reached up to gingerly touch the tender flesh of his cheek as he walked down the empty corridor, heading towards the Gryffindor dorms. He was happy for the solitude of the empty hall. Most of the other students were probably at dinner by now. The only sounds he heard were the fall of his own steps against the marble floor as he walked and a steady rain from outside that beat against the glass of the windows.
In the back of his mind, he swore he could also still hear the crack of the slap. She had put all her force behind it and a part of him was begrudgingly impressed. He had never doubted that Lily was a tough girl, but he had not expected her to lash out physically.
This wasn’t the first time that Sirius had gotten retaliation from a young witch for something he said. He had a sharp wit, but sadly no filter. He said what came to his mind and this left little time common sense to kick in. Logically he understood the phrase: “Think before you speak” but in practice it was very difficult. It was not often, but Sirius had found himself at the bad end of a hex or jinx a time or two. Never once had he been slapped though and between the two, Sirius was certain that he preferred the hexes and jinxes.
Normally, he could laugh off a rejection. He would say that the girl was too prudish or couldn’t take a joke and why would he want to waste his time with someone like that. This was different however.
He felt a rush of annoyance and frustration as he thought back to their confrontation. The memories were fresh and vivid. Why did she have to bring up Snape?! This had nothing to do with that greasy haired prat.
At least not now.
“I’m not going to be your pawn in some juvenile game to get back at Severus.” The words had been thrown in his face. It was a statement and an accusation. “I may not be his friend anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’ve joined your side to harass him. I want nothing to do with him and that includes the feud you and James have with him.”
It was then he realized that Lily really thought the worst of him. That he would use her for his own amusement. His temper had flared, and he said words that he now regretted, for more reasons beside the fact that it had led to her slapping him.
Sirius let out a sound that was a cross between an exasperated sigh and a growl. Why was he even going through all this trouble? Life shouldn’t be this difficult in his eyes. He had a very simple philosophy on life. Life should be enjoyed. Life should be fun. There were witches who were far less complicated then Lily Evans and would gladly want to spend time in his company and most importantly, wouldn’t slap him. Yet he found himself attracted to this fiery red headed Muggle-born with emotional baggage and a sour opinion of him that had formed over the last 7 years.
Finally coming to the painting of the fat lady, Sirius gave the password and stepped through the portal. Hopefully everyone would be at dinner. He had no desire to go down there tonight. By now, the news about him and Lily’s fight and her slap were probably running amuck. Sirius never much minded being the center the attention-positive or negative-but this sort of attention rubbed him the wrong way. Plus, if he went down to dinner, James would want details on what happened. He would want to know why Sirius and Lily had fought.
One crisis at a time, Sirius thought to himself as he walked into the circular common room. Right now, he needed this moment to nurse his bruised ego and pride. He planned to pig out on some candy they had stashed away in their room and maybe read a chapter of his History of Magic text. That should be boring enough to lull him to sleep.
However, those plans were momentarily forgotten as he spotted the shock of red hair out of the corner of his eye. Sirius stopped and looked, wishing only an instant afterwards that he had kept walking.
There Lily sat in one of the plush armchairs by the couch, reading from a book that he couldn’t quite make out the cover of. She must have felt him staring at her because she looked up from her reading. “What are you doing in here?” he asked, not bothering to hide the annoyance in his tone. “Shouldn’t you be at dinner?”
Lily’s piercing green eyes narrowed at him. “I could ask you the same thing. Don’t want James knowing how you tried to make a move on me?”
“No,” he replied defensively, though in the back of his mind a little voice that sounded eerily similar to his mother said: Yes. “Since when do you care about what James knows? You're becoming soft on him all of a sudden?” He hoped not. He prayed not. If she was, he might actually have to consider using a memory charm on her and erase anything about their conversation and tiff.
He watched her closely as she answered. “Not exactly…” she replied, fidgeting in her chair slightly and diverting her gaze to the fireplace. Sirius felt a heaviness fill his chest. “I just am starting to believe that he’s not as horrible as I once thought. He’s still a spoiled prat but there is more to him that that. I can see it now.”
Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Sirius crossed over to the seating arrangement and flopped down onto the couch. This was a fine mess he’d gotten himself into and it made him question if fate was really out to get him. For years Lily had detested James and wasn’t afraid to admit that publicly. Now, when he had realized an attraction for her, she suddenly is thinking James decent? It sounded like a plot to a trashy romance novel that Sirius would never admit to reading.
“What about me?” he asked, unable to help himself. “Am I horrible?”
Lily turned her gaze to him, those green eyes of hers softened slightly. “Sirius, you’re not horrible. You’re more compulsive, immature and obnoxious but not horrible.”
“Was that supposed to make me feel better?”
Lily let out an exasperated sigh and reached up to rub her eyes with her thumb and forefinger. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Truth be told, neither did Sirius. If she returned his affections, he would be happy but James would find out. It was inevitable since Sirius had no intentions of hiding it. He hoped that their friendship was stronger than this but James’ interest in Lily bordered on obsessive. He didn't think it would be let go very easily. On the flip side, if she didn’t return his affections and she decided to start dating James, he would have to find a way to work through the rejection and cope with the fact that it was a lost cause. Certainly a string of anonymous one night stands and other questionable behavior would do the job.
For several long minutes they both sat in awkward silence, staring at the crackling fire. He definitely didn’t like this tension. He regretted telling her anything and wished that he could go back to straighten it all out. Messing with time probably would get him into more trouble that necessary. That’s even if he did manage to get his hands on a time turner. Teenage melodrama would not be acceptable reasoning to bend the laws of physic and time.
“You won’t tell him, will you?” he finally asked. Certainly she could see how that would only make things worse. He was concerned though that if she was still cross with him, she may just decide to be spiteful and tell James. The moment that thought crossed his mind however, he knew that wasn’t how she was. He let a soft bitter laugh. Maybe she was right about him being immature in his thought process.
“No one has to know the particulars, Sirius,” she replied softly, reaching out and putting her hand over his.
Sirius knew that she was just trying to be kind and it was a platonic gesture. He couldn’t take it right now though and immediately stood up, moving his hand out from under hers. It felt like she was taking pity on him. He didn’t need that. He didn’t want that.
He gave her a curt nod, satisfied that her word could be trusted. “I’m going to bed,” Sirius declared before turning and heading up towards the boys’ dorms, intent on putting this whole disastrous evening behind him.
Lily watched Sirius' back as he moved towards the staircase that led up to the boy's dorm. It was clear that he was disappointed and maybe even a little hurt but now she was thinking it may not be for the reasons that she originally expected from him. His reactions didn't fit her assumptions that he was trying to use her from some juvenile joke against Severus.
Letting out a small exasperated sigh, Lily pushed herself up from the arm chair. "Sirius, wait," she called before crossing the length of the room to reach him before he went up the stairs.
He stopped and looked over his shoulder, giving her a skeptical look and waiting for her to continue.
A beat passed and she still hadn't spoken. It shouldn't be this hard to talk with him. He was a friend more or less. They could at least be civil to one another. They seemed to have no issues talking normally. "I meant what I said. I didn't want to be a pawn in a joke if that was your intent."
Sirius rolled his eyes and let out a groan. He looked as though he was about to protest but she didn't give him the chance. Lily didn't want this to go into another fight. She wanted to be very clear about her point of view in this matter. Reaching out, Lily gripped his shoulder and turned him to her fully. "You have to see this from my point of view. Consider our history. You've never shown an interest in me before. I haven't changed. I can only assume that your intentions aren't the most pure."
He tilted his head to the side and looked her up and down. "Did you suddenly gain the ability of Legilimency, Lily?" he asked incredulously. "I'll tell you one more time: this has nothing to do with Snape."
"How do I know that for sure?" she replied impatiently. It was frustrating and she wanted to know what to truth was. She felt guilty that she couldn't simply trust his word and that was what pushed her to question him. She didn't want this friction. Over the past year things had gotten much better in her own house at Hogwarts. She no longer had to defend her choice in friends or their actions. She could relax; focus on her work, the responsibilities of being head girl. This was interrupting that peace and she wanted to know that he hadn't done that just because of some joke.
She waited for a reply, all but begging him to tell her some way that she could be sure. When he didn't answer she shook her head and began to turn away.
Before she was able to even take a step from him however, as a hand reached out and gripped her forearm and pulled her roughly against him, pressed against his chest. The next thing she knew, his mouth was crushed against hers in sudden, firm kiss. It was a risk. What was stopping her from pushing him away and slapping the other side of his face? As the seconds ticked by and the kiss went on, thoughts pushing him away and breaking the kiss drifted from her mind and were replaced with small realizations.
This was nice. His lips felt good against hers. His lips were soft but there was an assertive firmness to the kisses. She could begin to understand why many girls seemed to flock after him. This kiss was intoxicating.
All too soon he pulled back but not very far. His lips still brushed against hers as he spoke. "You'll just have to trust me."
Author: Ravenne_Crion
Pairing: Sirius/Lily
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2139
Prompt: 18. He's pretty sure he isn't just doing this to annoy Snape. She isn't.
Warnings: None
Summary: Many factors can point to why a choice may be a bad idea. Sirius tries to convince Lily that those factors don't matter.
The slap had left a lingering pain on the right side of his cheek. Sirius was certain that if he looked in a mirror at that moment, he would see the red, throbbing outline of Lily’s deceptively fierce hand. He reached up to gingerly touch the tender flesh of his cheek as he walked down the empty corridor, heading towards the Gryffindor dorms. He was happy for the solitude of the empty hall. Most of the other students were probably at dinner by now. The only sounds he heard were the fall of his own steps against the marble floor as he walked and a steady rain from outside that beat against the glass of the windows.
In the back of his mind, he swore he could also still hear the crack of the slap. She had put all her force behind it and a part of him was begrudgingly impressed. He had never doubted that Lily was a tough girl, but he had not expected her to lash out physically.
This wasn’t the first time that Sirius had gotten retaliation from a young witch for something he said. He had a sharp wit, but sadly no filter. He said what came to his mind and this left little time common sense to kick in. Logically he understood the phrase: “Think before you speak” but in practice it was very difficult. It was not often, but Sirius had found himself at the bad end of a hex or jinx a time or two. Never once had he been slapped though and between the two, Sirius was certain that he preferred the hexes and jinxes.
Normally, he could laugh off a rejection. He would say that the girl was too prudish or couldn’t take a joke and why would he want to waste his time with someone like that. This was different however.
He felt a rush of annoyance and frustration as he thought back to their confrontation. The memories were fresh and vivid. Why did she have to bring up Snape?! This had nothing to do with that greasy haired prat.
At least not now.
“I’m not going to be your pawn in some juvenile game to get back at Severus.” The words had been thrown in his face. It was a statement and an accusation. “I may not be his friend anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’ve joined your side to harass him. I want nothing to do with him and that includes the feud you and James have with him.”
It was then he realized that Lily really thought the worst of him. That he would use her for his own amusement. His temper had flared, and he said words that he now regretted, for more reasons beside the fact that it had led to her slapping him.
Sirius let out a sound that was a cross between an exasperated sigh and a growl. Why was he even going through all this trouble? Life shouldn’t be this difficult in his eyes. He had a very simple philosophy on life. Life should be enjoyed. Life should be fun. There were witches who were far less complicated then Lily Evans and would gladly want to spend time in his company and most importantly, wouldn’t slap him. Yet he found himself attracted to this fiery red headed Muggle-born with emotional baggage and a sour opinion of him that had formed over the last 7 years.
Finally coming to the painting of the fat lady, Sirius gave the password and stepped through the portal. Hopefully everyone would be at dinner. He had no desire to go down there tonight. By now, the news about him and Lily’s fight and her slap were probably running amuck. Sirius never much minded being the center the attention-positive or negative-but this sort of attention rubbed him the wrong way. Plus, if he went down to dinner, James would want details on what happened. He would want to know why Sirius and Lily had fought.
One crisis at a time, Sirius thought to himself as he walked into the circular common room. Right now, he needed this moment to nurse his bruised ego and pride. He planned to pig out on some candy they had stashed away in their room and maybe read a chapter of his History of Magic text. That should be boring enough to lull him to sleep.
However, those plans were momentarily forgotten as he spotted the shock of red hair out of the corner of his eye. Sirius stopped and looked, wishing only an instant afterwards that he had kept walking.
There Lily sat in one of the plush armchairs by the couch, reading from a book that he couldn’t quite make out the cover of. She must have felt him staring at her because she looked up from her reading. “What are you doing in here?” he asked, not bothering to hide the annoyance in his tone. “Shouldn’t you be at dinner?”
Lily’s piercing green eyes narrowed at him. “I could ask you the same thing. Don’t want James knowing how you tried to make a move on me?”
“No,” he replied defensively, though in the back of his mind a little voice that sounded eerily similar to his mother said: Yes. “Since when do you care about what James knows? You're becoming soft on him all of a sudden?” He hoped not. He prayed not. If she was, he might actually have to consider using a memory charm on her and erase anything about their conversation and tiff.
He watched her closely as she answered. “Not exactly…” she replied, fidgeting in her chair slightly and diverting her gaze to the fireplace. Sirius felt a heaviness fill his chest. “I just am starting to believe that he’s not as horrible as I once thought. He’s still a spoiled prat but there is more to him that that. I can see it now.”
Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Sirius crossed over to the seating arrangement and flopped down onto the couch. This was a fine mess he’d gotten himself into and it made him question if fate was really out to get him. For years Lily had detested James and wasn’t afraid to admit that publicly. Now, when he had realized an attraction for her, she suddenly is thinking James decent? It sounded like a plot to a trashy romance novel that Sirius would never admit to reading.
“What about me?” he asked, unable to help himself. “Am I horrible?”
Lily turned her gaze to him, those green eyes of hers softened slightly. “Sirius, you’re not horrible. You’re more compulsive, immature and obnoxious but not horrible.”
“Was that supposed to make me feel better?”
Lily let out an exasperated sigh and reached up to rub her eyes with her thumb and forefinger. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Truth be told, neither did Sirius. If she returned his affections, he would be happy but James would find out. It was inevitable since Sirius had no intentions of hiding it. He hoped that their friendship was stronger than this but James’ interest in Lily bordered on obsessive. He didn't think it would be let go very easily. On the flip side, if she didn’t return his affections and she decided to start dating James, he would have to find a way to work through the rejection and cope with the fact that it was a lost cause. Certainly a string of anonymous one night stands and other questionable behavior would do the job.
For several long minutes they both sat in awkward silence, staring at the crackling fire. He definitely didn’t like this tension. He regretted telling her anything and wished that he could go back to straighten it all out. Messing with time probably would get him into more trouble that necessary. That’s even if he did manage to get his hands on a time turner. Teenage melodrama would not be acceptable reasoning to bend the laws of physic and time.
“You won’t tell him, will you?” he finally asked. Certainly she could see how that would only make things worse. He was concerned though that if she was still cross with him, she may just decide to be spiteful and tell James. The moment that thought crossed his mind however, he knew that wasn’t how she was. He let a soft bitter laugh. Maybe she was right about him being immature in his thought process.
“No one has to know the particulars, Sirius,” she replied softly, reaching out and putting her hand over his.
Sirius knew that she was just trying to be kind and it was a platonic gesture. He couldn’t take it right now though and immediately stood up, moving his hand out from under hers. It felt like she was taking pity on him. He didn’t need that. He didn’t want that.
He gave her a curt nod, satisfied that her word could be trusted. “I’m going to bed,” Sirius declared before turning and heading up towards the boys’ dorms, intent on putting this whole disastrous evening behind him.
Lily watched Sirius' back as he moved towards the staircase that led up to the boy's dorm. It was clear that he was disappointed and maybe even a little hurt but now she was thinking it may not be for the reasons that she originally expected from him. His reactions didn't fit her assumptions that he was trying to use her from some juvenile joke against Severus.
Letting out a small exasperated sigh, Lily pushed herself up from the arm chair. "Sirius, wait," she called before crossing the length of the room to reach him before he went up the stairs.
He stopped and looked over his shoulder, giving her a skeptical look and waiting for her to continue.
A beat passed and she still hadn't spoken. It shouldn't be this hard to talk with him. He was a friend more or less. They could at least be civil to one another. They seemed to have no issues talking normally. "I meant what I said. I didn't want to be a pawn in a joke if that was your intent."
Sirius rolled his eyes and let out a groan. He looked as though he was about to protest but she didn't give him the chance. Lily didn't want this to go into another fight. She wanted to be very clear about her point of view in this matter. Reaching out, Lily gripped his shoulder and turned him to her fully. "You have to see this from my point of view. Consider our history. You've never shown an interest in me before. I haven't changed. I can only assume that your intentions aren't the most pure."
He tilted his head to the side and looked her up and down. "Did you suddenly gain the ability of Legilimency, Lily?" he asked incredulously. "I'll tell you one more time: this has nothing to do with Snape."
"How do I know that for sure?" she replied impatiently. It was frustrating and she wanted to know what to truth was. She felt guilty that she couldn't simply trust his word and that was what pushed her to question him. She didn't want this friction. Over the past year things had gotten much better in her own house at Hogwarts. She no longer had to defend her choice in friends or their actions. She could relax; focus on her work, the responsibilities of being head girl. This was interrupting that peace and she wanted to know that he hadn't done that just because of some joke.
She waited for a reply, all but begging him to tell her some way that she could be sure. When he didn't answer she shook her head and began to turn away.
Before she was able to even take a step from him however, as a hand reached out and gripped her forearm and pulled her roughly against him, pressed against his chest. The next thing she knew, his mouth was crushed against hers in sudden, firm kiss. It was a risk. What was stopping her from pushing him away and slapping the other side of his face? As the seconds ticked by and the kiss went on, thoughts pushing him away and breaking the kiss drifted from her mind and were replaced with small realizations.
This was nice. His lips felt good against hers. His lips were soft but there was an assertive firmness to the kisses. She could begin to understand why many girls seemed to flock after him. This kiss was intoxicating.
All too soon he pulled back but not very far. His lips still brushed against hers as he spoke. "You'll just have to trust me."