Salt and Water chapter 6 ToraxShou
Title: Salt and Water
Chapters: 6/10
Author: mxtrxofsomer
Set and Theme: C #8 -Stupidity
Genre: angst, romance, AU
Band(s): Alice Nine
Pairing: Tora x Shou
Rating: R
Warnings: spoiler so I won’t say
Summary: “... it was an encounter too short from the view of the heavens, fair enough in the eyes of the humans, infinite from my own sense of time and... non-existent in his.”
Notes: Homg! j10_ways was deleted. But… here is the next instalment of my fic and since the community was deleted, I finally decided (after months) that I’m gonna write this without any restrictions.
Previous Next
As a strand of an angel’s wings
Descends down from the holy sky
Chase the breeze, catch a bead of clouds
Once, before a feather touches
The emerald pastures of earth
To pour souls on a grain of pearl
And sing the hymn of heaven’s breath
Sealing the ends of strand-like rings
“Shou, let me…”
Icy cold fingers brushed against the back of my hand, making my heart skip a beat at the pleasant impression it had left on my skin. Immediately, both my hands obliged, stranded, loosely gripping the hem of my shirt as I nervously watched Tora stand on his knees and walk slowly to seat himself behind me.
Dipping his chin on my left shoulder, he coiled his arms around my waist, fastening his fingers on the front of my opened clothing and in delicate speed, he wove his hands upwards buttoning it close to cover the exposed part of my stomach and chest, allowing his fingers to linger a moment every time, as he ghosted his slightly parted lips over the side of my neck. Flustered breaths escaped past my shaking lips, at the feeling of his very faint kisses touching my damp skin, creating an irregular rhythm with my racing pulse.
Flashes of intimate memories played and replayed at the back of my mind, of Tora’s smooth palms, and of his lush lips caressing me everywhere while he whispered my name gently and yet with so much firmness and passion that I could barely restrain my soul from slipping away. My eyes shut instinctively as I relished every single sensation that marked, burned my whole body on fire, reducing my brain into a mush of ecstatic oblivion. I still could not believe they were all real, that they had truly happened, that I had experienced Tora as he had experienced me, and that in one moment, I had been drowned in a wave of overwhelming emotions which I would have never known if not for Tora. Heaven was not the word, it was not appropriate for it felt nothing like this at all, at least not for me.
I felt extremely weak as Tora’s teasing advances died down into chaste gestures and he settled to wrap me in a tight embrace, planting a kiss on my cheek. The pieces of those sacred memories we had created together started fading into blurs, locking themselves deep in my consciousness to be preserved in secrecy that was only meant for me. Calmness then gradually took its reign, trapping us in a universe wherein nothing mattered and nothing existed but the two of us.
“Let’s go to the beach,” Tora said, humming the velvety words above the lobe of my ear, making warm shivers crawl all over my body. “Let’s watch the sunrise and make a wish.”
I turned sideways and saw him smiling, a tinge of hope glinting in his eyes, visible in the background of bluish-gray horizon. “Make a wish?” I asked, puzzled of his very statement and of his hidden intentions.
“If we take the first train and ride the last car we’d be able to make it.”
The rain had long ceased- I was convinced that it was because of Tora too, but the beds of grasses and the shallow layer of earth which held the roots together remained dank, the early morning dew keeping them moist and ready for the warm day that patiently lay ahead. As daybreak crept near, painting the sky a merrier colour, there were a few things that worried me, some of them seemed grave while others sounded a little funny. The truth was, Tora and I were both bathed in mud, now starting to dry up from the carefree breeze brought by summer. How would I have appeared to Tora in my not-so-presentable state was bothering me a bit, but the dirt that stuck on my skin or Tora’s tousled hair was making my heart explode.
“I love you...” Before I could even understand it, the words fell out of my lips without any force and just as naturally as how the crickets would sing their songs. I was surprised, as much as I was entranced and fascinated at how bold yet stupid I had been to blow up the only remaining haven I had found left to me, in exchange for a small spark of happiness in uncertainty. I was suddenly scared, more frightened than I had ever been in my entire life, watching Tora speechless, lost in his own thoughts.
“You don’t say something you don’t mean,” Tora finally answered, taking a deep breath and frowning seriously.
Numbness, I was trying to float on it but there were a number of rusted blades piercing and cutting my heart into useless pieces, turning my eyes into a waterfall of cascading tears. I slumped, bending my head down to avoid the emotions that could be seen in Tora’s eyes. I could only regret my own carelessness, for allowing myself to act without thinking. I would never take the words back though, not now, even if I had surely ended everything by admitting the damned truth. It was all over, I perfectly knew it. What I did not know was, love equalled insanity for it could wound as deep as it could strike.
Was this the reason we were never given the chance to hold or even taste love?
I had never experienced death, or the feeling of almost losing my life. But long ago, at a certain incident I was determined to forget, I had lost my will to live. It was often said that losing the will is the same as losing life itself. If it was, then I probably had died a second time, for in my mind, there was no reason for me to exist, now neither as a Power nor as a human.
“Because Shou, listen and please look at me,” he said, rocking us both and weakly nudging me with his forehead. He had no idea how painful it was just to be held by him or how much it hurt me to spare him a glance, but I still did it, after I willed my tears to stop from running down for a second so that I could save the very little pride I had left.
“Because I love you,” he softly breathed.
I could swear that I had died again, only a different kind of death this time, because I was more than alive, my heart pounding nonstop against my lungs and its loud thumping, it was the only sound I could hear clearly, screaming Tora in its every single beat. Dazed and exhausted I suddenly felt, nevertheless, filled with all the happiness I could name but never gauge. It was right to sometimes be scared about things I did not know but it was wrong to be doubtful of having something I already had and to lose faith in the love Tora and I already shared from the very beginning.
“These are happiness tears,” I lied. “Don’t you think they look good on me every once in a while?” I asked, gently breaking away from his hug, unclasping both his hands and taking them to fill the spaces between his fingers with my own. “I love you Tora,” I smiled, lightly catching his lips in a quick innocent kiss.
“I guess I could allow them,” Tora grinned back, “As long as I am the one giving you that happiness.”
-----
The view outside from where I sat staring was simply beautiful; I was quite sure that nobody who witnessed it same as I did would not fall in love with it. Against the darkening sky, the sun was setting down in an almost blinding, rich red colour, full and round like a five-hundred yen coin. I watched the whole picture in solitude, letting minutes pass by like seasons, as I waited for some flock of foreign birds to decorate the perfect scenery but so far, there were still none.
A familiar buzzing sound and clinking of chimes were what made me abandon peace and come back to the solid grounds of reality. I stood up, trailing the patched designs on the cold marble floor with my bare feet, reaching the door at the end. On the other side of that wooden barrier which separated this world from the other, there was nothing but silence and all I could do was feel anxious.
“What are you…?” words of surprise and confusion slipped past my tongue as I opened the door, greeted by the very same face of the person I had been longing to share one rare afternoon with.
“I was betting on my luck,” Tora smiled. “Hoping you are at home and would open the door for me.”
“Did you see the sun?” I sighed, not from the relief of learning that there was nothing to be worried about but from the joy of just seeing Tora standing in front of me. I stepped out, beaming at him and collecting his hand firmly in mine. “I have one wish granted.”
“But you have to be with the person who owns half of all your senses,” he said, pulling me close and away from the doorstep to leave the door to close on itself. “We still have some time to go down the beach.”
-----
“It was… love…” Uruha spoke as quietly as his breath allowed him to, yet enough for me to capture the sound before the other noises in the air could swallow them. There was something in the way he had uttered each syllable, perhaps it was his tone, seemingly amused or enthralled, stirring some feelings I had kept hidden inside me for quite a time now.
Curiously, I glanced at his face and for a split second, I saw something there that I thought I had seen somewhere near, like in a memory, or an image, no- a reflection that was in a mirror. I bit my tongue hard, my eyes involuntarily wincing from the unexpected pain it brought. Realization hit me and the truth had finally dawned upon me. “Uruha, you were-”
The question was however cut short as Uruha put his fingertip on my lips, hushing the rest of the sentence from coming out. “It is enough that you know something.”
I did not have the motivation to protest for I knew that the both of us had arrived at a certain level of understanding. But still, being deprived of something important for so long by someone I trusted with everything I had, made my chest heavy and aching. I was part of what had happened in the past and I deserved to be shared with that kind of knowledge.
“If I had known your reason for coming down, I would have stopped you,” Uruha said, managing to surprise me for the second time.
I could not believe my ears, or the words flowing out of Uruha’s gorgeously shaped lips. Hundreds of emotions I was holding back erupted, rushing and cursing through my imaginary veins and setting my innermost core into rage. Did Uruha even understand what he had told me? “Radicalism has always been yours,” I remarked, not bothering to conceal the venom that my voice contained.
“Shou, I never wanted you to end up as badly as I did,” Uruha replied, all too calmly for the intensifying atmosphere we had initiated.
“Whether you like it or not, we are alike or has our loss taught you anything at all?” I answered in return, my voice starting to break into horrible shouts.
A sharp stinging pain landed on my right cheek and I was forced into silence by its impact. One quick survey at Uruha and I was regretting every single utterance of grudge I had poured out on him. The look on his face strongly reminded me of myself and of Tora that I was once again pathetically falling down on my knees in the hearth of En.
“Shou, I am sorry… I did not mean to…”
“I made a promise you know,” I laughed bitterly, tears spilling smoothly down my eyes. “I’m not afraid of the punishment, no, I am most definitely not. But I’m scared… I’m so scared… that they will force me to watch Tora live his life and the rest of all his other lives. I never got the chance to resolve everything about us but I know that I am not going to be there, not a single trace. I have always wanted to vanish but now, I am just too afraid.”
“Shou,” Uruha knelt down and laid his hands on my shoulders, dragging the whole of my weight to rest on his upper body. “I am sorry. I am so sorry.”
“I don’t understand it,” I murmured against the strands of his hair, forcefully shutting my eyes as if it would take me anywhere but the forests of heaven. “I don’t understand why. Why is it so cruel to us? And why? Why is it that we are forbidden?”
“I don’t know,” Uruha choked, rubbing soothing circles on my back. “I don’t know.”
I felt tired and sore, with so many things and questions going on in my mind all at once. Uruha was so close, holding me consolingly but he seemed so far away, coming from a distance I could not reach. I was beginning to doubt myself, my existence as a mortal and my sacred memories of Tora, if they were real because they all seemed like one huge dream that I was finally waking up from. Tora would not remember anyway, he would not be there to justify their authenticity; there would be no proof, except for the tales of my own version and they were incomplete, disjointed. I always thought that having Tora was not forever but I had hoped and sent innumerable wishes to the possessors of destiny to grant us some time, but they remained elusive. This was not the kind of ending I had repeatedly prayed for.
“Thank you Uruha,” wiping the streaks of tears off my face, I pressed my lips to smile, taking my weight back and pulling myself away from him. “I think it is time.”
“No, don’t,” Uruha shook his head, refusing to let go of my hands. “There must be another way.”
“None for me,” I countered decisively. “Tora had told me once that I was his angel. Interesting, wouldn’t you agree? But it isn’t like that, not at all. What I am to him is filth, a stain.”
“Do you really believe such a thing?” Uruha questioned, his eyes, all of a sudden, so fiery that I wanted to run and escape from him. “Shou, I wouldn’t approve of it but I can never deny what this affair has done to you. If you know that what went on between the two of you is something wonderful, then, do you believe that Tora would think of you so low?”
“I have my trust in the love Tora and I had,” I answered, tearing my gaze away from Uruha. “Although I had given up finding out the reason why, I now fully understand how he had seen me that day.”
There was a surprised intake of breath from Uruha but no questions or prying followed and I was grateful for the respect he had shown. We were again, left in silence so I stood up, preparing myself for the fortune that lay before me. Uruha’s head was bowed low, avoiding looking at me for the last time. I knew that he was crying and I knew that he did not want to say goodbye.
I sighed, curling my fingers in a tight fist and biting my cheek to hold back a tide of unwanted feelings from consuming me. I turned around, and started to walk in slow paces, not daring myself to glance back. I was leaving. I was leaving Uruha and En with the possibility of never coming back. I was leaving Tora without him remembering me or that I was a part of him. I was really leaving and I did not have any idea of how I would end up. The only thing I had a clear vision about was how unforgiving my punishment would be, the price we angels have to pay for each sin we committed was never kind. Humans were really privileged creatures, God always favoured them above all.
“Shou!” Uruha called in a shattering cry, instantly stopping me from taking another step. “Can- can I at least walk you out of here?”
I was prepared to decline Uruha’s request for I had no desire of including him in the mess I had gotten myself into. Uruha knew some things but I was certain that he did not know everything and I would not risk his efforts of maintaining his status for his own plans just to enlighten him. There was no greater pain than watching a loved one walk away from you, I knew it by heart and I did not have the spirit to let Uruha witness the same thing twice. But what Uruha was asking of me, it was too much for me to keep the walls of protection from collapsing and I had no energy left.
I was about to unfold my wings, to fly and flee but Uruha was too fast that I was frozen when he seized me from the back, confining me inside his locked arms. “Please, let me be there.”
I closed my eyes, swallowing hard as tears once again, began breaking loose from my control.
Is there someone who is listening? Save us.
-----
White, wherever I laid my eyes on, all I could see was the revolting white brightness that if I only were human, I would have vomited from nausea. There was no other sight, no other sound and most importantly, there was no other presence in here except mine, in the most loathed place- the higher plane, wherein power disguises itself in the shape of peace, a false form of security for the ones being condemned. It was amusing in a sense, because heaven was supposedly a paradise but here, it definitely was different, designed to torture sinners through purity, to force them to suffer in their own guilt.
Damnation, it was what they truly desired for me to feel, what they wanted me to cast upon myself, a kind of sentence unpronounced yet flagrantly effective in every case I knew but mine. Being with Tora had taught me a lot of good things and being taken away from him had turned me into an empty casing, soulless and incapable of feeling. Surely, I was still full of bitterness and of fears, I was afraid of what I would become without Tora, but I had grown stone-hard from denying a mistake that I was accused of committing, when the only thing that I knew wrong was my dictated fate as a servant of God and his most beloved creations.
Why could He not love us in the same way?
Without forewarning, the air suddenly became rigid, like thousands of needles coming from somewhere unseen were simultaneously puncturing my whole body. A familiar strong aura descended down, so powerful that my knees were swaying from an invisible mass hovering in the vacant space. My dread grew more fervent, now accompanied by anger, gushing through my entire consciousness. A single white feather gracefully falling down instantly disappeared in one blink and there he was instead, standing in front of me, his wings, glittering and elegantly stretched out, with his silky black hair sensuously hanging down past his shoulders, and his foreboding eyes burrowing deep in mine.
“Have you contemplated well enough?” There was no smile on his stern face but he sounded as if he was sincerely giving me a warm greeting.
“History indeed likes repeating itself,” I half smirked, opposing the cold shudders starting to spread all over me. “Should I congratulate you the way they did back then? After all, you, for several millennia have been a very dedicated Dominion, right? Ne, Aoi-sama…”
Another sharp stinging pain similar to what Uruha had given me earlier settled harshly on my cheek, making me cringe again. But this time, I remained on my feet, reminding myself of Uruha and of Tora, who almost had sacrificed his life in order to keep mine.
Aoi was very calm and I hated myself for being a close friend of his in the past. “I refuse to accept,” I declared, clutching the air with my quivering fingers. “But what is important to me is Tora.”
Aoi narrowed his eyes maliciously, saving the intimidating mask from slipping off his guard. “That is Tora-sama to me and to you Shou…”
-----
Endnotes: Shou’s contact lenses are haunting me in my dreams! I have like… five versions of this chapter… cus I can’t seem to make it right. I was about to post it the other week but I was too busy and exhausted cus it’s the start of the new semester in uni so… having said those reasons (acceptable or not), I’m really sorry it took me some time to update. And of course, as usual, comments are greatly appreciated~~ <333 *forces the new character to bribe you with cookies* ^_~
Fanfic Archive
Chapters: 6/10
Author: mxtrxofsomer
Set and Theme: C #8 -Stupidity
Genre: angst, romance, AU
Band(s): Alice Nine
Pairing: Tora x Shou
Rating: R
Warnings: spoiler so I won’t say
Summary: “... it was an encounter too short from the view of the heavens, fair enough in the eyes of the humans, infinite from my own sense of time and... non-existent in his.”
Notes: Homg! j10_ways was deleted. But… here is the next instalment of my fic and since the community was deleted, I finally decided (after months) that I’m gonna write this without any restrictions.
Previous Next
As a strand of an angel’s wings
Descends down from the holy sky
Chase the breeze, catch a bead of clouds
Once, before a feather touches
The emerald pastures of earth
To pour souls on a grain of pearl
And sing the hymn of heaven’s breath
Sealing the ends of strand-like rings
“Shou, let me…”
Icy cold fingers brushed against the back of my hand, making my heart skip a beat at the pleasant impression it had left on my skin. Immediately, both my hands obliged, stranded, loosely gripping the hem of my shirt as I nervously watched Tora stand on his knees and walk slowly to seat himself behind me.
Dipping his chin on my left shoulder, he coiled his arms around my waist, fastening his fingers on the front of my opened clothing and in delicate speed, he wove his hands upwards buttoning it close to cover the exposed part of my stomach and chest, allowing his fingers to linger a moment every time, as he ghosted his slightly parted lips over the side of my neck. Flustered breaths escaped past my shaking lips, at the feeling of his very faint kisses touching my damp skin, creating an irregular rhythm with my racing pulse.
Flashes of intimate memories played and replayed at the back of my mind, of Tora’s smooth palms, and of his lush lips caressing me everywhere while he whispered my name gently and yet with so much firmness and passion that I could barely restrain my soul from slipping away. My eyes shut instinctively as I relished every single sensation that marked, burned my whole body on fire, reducing my brain into a mush of ecstatic oblivion. I still could not believe they were all real, that they had truly happened, that I had experienced Tora as he had experienced me, and that in one moment, I had been drowned in a wave of overwhelming emotions which I would have never known if not for Tora. Heaven was not the word, it was not appropriate for it felt nothing like this at all, at least not for me.
I felt extremely weak as Tora’s teasing advances died down into chaste gestures and he settled to wrap me in a tight embrace, planting a kiss on my cheek. The pieces of those sacred memories we had created together started fading into blurs, locking themselves deep in my consciousness to be preserved in secrecy that was only meant for me. Calmness then gradually took its reign, trapping us in a universe wherein nothing mattered and nothing existed but the two of us.
“Let’s go to the beach,” Tora said, humming the velvety words above the lobe of my ear, making warm shivers crawl all over my body. “Let’s watch the sunrise and make a wish.”
I turned sideways and saw him smiling, a tinge of hope glinting in his eyes, visible in the background of bluish-gray horizon. “Make a wish?” I asked, puzzled of his very statement and of his hidden intentions.
“If we take the first train and ride the last car we’d be able to make it.”
The rain had long ceased- I was convinced that it was because of Tora too, but the beds of grasses and the shallow layer of earth which held the roots together remained dank, the early morning dew keeping them moist and ready for the warm day that patiently lay ahead. As daybreak crept near, painting the sky a merrier colour, there were a few things that worried me, some of them seemed grave while others sounded a little funny. The truth was, Tora and I were both bathed in mud, now starting to dry up from the carefree breeze brought by summer. How would I have appeared to Tora in my not-so-presentable state was bothering me a bit, but the dirt that stuck on my skin or Tora’s tousled hair was making my heart explode.
“I love you...” Before I could even understand it, the words fell out of my lips without any force and just as naturally as how the crickets would sing their songs. I was surprised, as much as I was entranced and fascinated at how bold yet stupid I had been to blow up the only remaining haven I had found left to me, in exchange for a small spark of happiness in uncertainty. I was suddenly scared, more frightened than I had ever been in my entire life, watching Tora speechless, lost in his own thoughts.
“You don’t say something you don’t mean,” Tora finally answered, taking a deep breath and frowning seriously.
Numbness, I was trying to float on it but there were a number of rusted blades piercing and cutting my heart into useless pieces, turning my eyes into a waterfall of cascading tears. I slumped, bending my head down to avoid the emotions that could be seen in Tora’s eyes. I could only regret my own carelessness, for allowing myself to act without thinking. I would never take the words back though, not now, even if I had surely ended everything by admitting the damned truth. It was all over, I perfectly knew it. What I did not know was, love equalled insanity for it could wound as deep as it could strike.
Was this the reason we were never given the chance to hold or even taste love?
I had never experienced death, or the feeling of almost losing my life. But long ago, at a certain incident I was determined to forget, I had lost my will to live. It was often said that losing the will is the same as losing life itself. If it was, then I probably had died a second time, for in my mind, there was no reason for me to exist, now neither as a Power nor as a human.
“Because Shou, listen and please look at me,” he said, rocking us both and weakly nudging me with his forehead. He had no idea how painful it was just to be held by him or how much it hurt me to spare him a glance, but I still did it, after I willed my tears to stop from running down for a second so that I could save the very little pride I had left.
“Because I love you,” he softly breathed.
I could swear that I had died again, only a different kind of death this time, because I was more than alive, my heart pounding nonstop against my lungs and its loud thumping, it was the only sound I could hear clearly, screaming Tora in its every single beat. Dazed and exhausted I suddenly felt, nevertheless, filled with all the happiness I could name but never gauge. It was right to sometimes be scared about things I did not know but it was wrong to be doubtful of having something I already had and to lose faith in the love Tora and I already shared from the very beginning.
“These are happiness tears,” I lied. “Don’t you think they look good on me every once in a while?” I asked, gently breaking away from his hug, unclasping both his hands and taking them to fill the spaces between his fingers with my own. “I love you Tora,” I smiled, lightly catching his lips in a quick innocent kiss.
“I guess I could allow them,” Tora grinned back, “As long as I am the one giving you that happiness.”
-----
The view outside from where I sat staring was simply beautiful; I was quite sure that nobody who witnessed it same as I did would not fall in love with it. Against the darkening sky, the sun was setting down in an almost blinding, rich red colour, full and round like a five-hundred yen coin. I watched the whole picture in solitude, letting minutes pass by like seasons, as I waited for some flock of foreign birds to decorate the perfect scenery but so far, there were still none.
A familiar buzzing sound and clinking of chimes were what made me abandon peace and come back to the solid grounds of reality. I stood up, trailing the patched designs on the cold marble floor with my bare feet, reaching the door at the end. On the other side of that wooden barrier which separated this world from the other, there was nothing but silence and all I could do was feel anxious.
“What are you…?” words of surprise and confusion slipped past my tongue as I opened the door, greeted by the very same face of the person I had been longing to share one rare afternoon with.
“I was betting on my luck,” Tora smiled. “Hoping you are at home and would open the door for me.”
“Did you see the sun?” I sighed, not from the relief of learning that there was nothing to be worried about but from the joy of just seeing Tora standing in front of me. I stepped out, beaming at him and collecting his hand firmly in mine. “I have one wish granted.”
“But you have to be with the person who owns half of all your senses,” he said, pulling me close and away from the doorstep to leave the door to close on itself. “We still have some time to go down the beach.”
-----
“It was… love…” Uruha spoke as quietly as his breath allowed him to, yet enough for me to capture the sound before the other noises in the air could swallow them. There was something in the way he had uttered each syllable, perhaps it was his tone, seemingly amused or enthralled, stirring some feelings I had kept hidden inside me for quite a time now.
Curiously, I glanced at his face and for a split second, I saw something there that I thought I had seen somewhere near, like in a memory, or an image, no- a reflection that was in a mirror. I bit my tongue hard, my eyes involuntarily wincing from the unexpected pain it brought. Realization hit me and the truth had finally dawned upon me. “Uruha, you were-”
The question was however cut short as Uruha put his fingertip on my lips, hushing the rest of the sentence from coming out. “It is enough that you know something.”
I did not have the motivation to protest for I knew that the both of us had arrived at a certain level of understanding. But still, being deprived of something important for so long by someone I trusted with everything I had, made my chest heavy and aching. I was part of what had happened in the past and I deserved to be shared with that kind of knowledge.
“If I had known your reason for coming down, I would have stopped you,” Uruha said, managing to surprise me for the second time.
I could not believe my ears, or the words flowing out of Uruha’s gorgeously shaped lips. Hundreds of emotions I was holding back erupted, rushing and cursing through my imaginary veins and setting my innermost core into rage. Did Uruha even understand what he had told me? “Radicalism has always been yours,” I remarked, not bothering to conceal the venom that my voice contained.
“Shou, I never wanted you to end up as badly as I did,” Uruha replied, all too calmly for the intensifying atmosphere we had initiated.
“Whether you like it or not, we are alike or has our loss taught you anything at all?” I answered in return, my voice starting to break into horrible shouts.
A sharp stinging pain landed on my right cheek and I was forced into silence by its impact. One quick survey at Uruha and I was regretting every single utterance of grudge I had poured out on him. The look on his face strongly reminded me of myself and of Tora that I was once again pathetically falling down on my knees in the hearth of En.
“Shou, I am sorry… I did not mean to…”
“I made a promise you know,” I laughed bitterly, tears spilling smoothly down my eyes. “I’m not afraid of the punishment, no, I am most definitely not. But I’m scared… I’m so scared… that they will force me to watch Tora live his life and the rest of all his other lives. I never got the chance to resolve everything about us but I know that I am not going to be there, not a single trace. I have always wanted to vanish but now, I am just too afraid.”
“Shou,” Uruha knelt down and laid his hands on my shoulders, dragging the whole of my weight to rest on his upper body. “I am sorry. I am so sorry.”
“I don’t understand it,” I murmured against the strands of his hair, forcefully shutting my eyes as if it would take me anywhere but the forests of heaven. “I don’t understand why. Why is it so cruel to us? And why? Why is it that we are forbidden?”
“I don’t know,” Uruha choked, rubbing soothing circles on my back. “I don’t know.”
I felt tired and sore, with so many things and questions going on in my mind all at once. Uruha was so close, holding me consolingly but he seemed so far away, coming from a distance I could not reach. I was beginning to doubt myself, my existence as a mortal and my sacred memories of Tora, if they were real because they all seemed like one huge dream that I was finally waking up from. Tora would not remember anyway, he would not be there to justify their authenticity; there would be no proof, except for the tales of my own version and they were incomplete, disjointed. I always thought that having Tora was not forever but I had hoped and sent innumerable wishes to the possessors of destiny to grant us some time, but they remained elusive. This was not the kind of ending I had repeatedly prayed for.
“Thank you Uruha,” wiping the streaks of tears off my face, I pressed my lips to smile, taking my weight back and pulling myself away from him. “I think it is time.”
“No, don’t,” Uruha shook his head, refusing to let go of my hands. “There must be another way.”
“None for me,” I countered decisively. “Tora had told me once that I was his angel. Interesting, wouldn’t you agree? But it isn’t like that, not at all. What I am to him is filth, a stain.”
“Do you really believe such a thing?” Uruha questioned, his eyes, all of a sudden, so fiery that I wanted to run and escape from him. “Shou, I wouldn’t approve of it but I can never deny what this affair has done to you. If you know that what went on between the two of you is something wonderful, then, do you believe that Tora would think of you so low?”
“I have my trust in the love Tora and I had,” I answered, tearing my gaze away from Uruha. “Although I had given up finding out the reason why, I now fully understand how he had seen me that day.”
There was a surprised intake of breath from Uruha but no questions or prying followed and I was grateful for the respect he had shown. We were again, left in silence so I stood up, preparing myself for the fortune that lay before me. Uruha’s head was bowed low, avoiding looking at me for the last time. I knew that he was crying and I knew that he did not want to say goodbye.
I sighed, curling my fingers in a tight fist and biting my cheek to hold back a tide of unwanted feelings from consuming me. I turned around, and started to walk in slow paces, not daring myself to glance back. I was leaving. I was leaving Uruha and En with the possibility of never coming back. I was leaving Tora without him remembering me or that I was a part of him. I was really leaving and I did not have any idea of how I would end up. The only thing I had a clear vision about was how unforgiving my punishment would be, the price we angels have to pay for each sin we committed was never kind. Humans were really privileged creatures, God always favoured them above all.
“Shou!” Uruha called in a shattering cry, instantly stopping me from taking another step. “Can- can I at least walk you out of here?”
I was prepared to decline Uruha’s request for I had no desire of including him in the mess I had gotten myself into. Uruha knew some things but I was certain that he did not know everything and I would not risk his efforts of maintaining his status for his own plans just to enlighten him. There was no greater pain than watching a loved one walk away from you, I knew it by heart and I did not have the spirit to let Uruha witness the same thing twice. But what Uruha was asking of me, it was too much for me to keep the walls of protection from collapsing and I had no energy left.
I was about to unfold my wings, to fly and flee but Uruha was too fast that I was frozen when he seized me from the back, confining me inside his locked arms. “Please, let me be there.”
I closed my eyes, swallowing hard as tears once again, began breaking loose from my control.
Is there someone who is listening? Save us.
-----
White, wherever I laid my eyes on, all I could see was the revolting white brightness that if I only were human, I would have vomited from nausea. There was no other sight, no other sound and most importantly, there was no other presence in here except mine, in the most loathed place- the higher plane, wherein power disguises itself in the shape of peace, a false form of security for the ones being condemned. It was amusing in a sense, because heaven was supposedly a paradise but here, it definitely was different, designed to torture sinners through purity, to force them to suffer in their own guilt.
Damnation, it was what they truly desired for me to feel, what they wanted me to cast upon myself, a kind of sentence unpronounced yet flagrantly effective in every case I knew but mine. Being with Tora had taught me a lot of good things and being taken away from him had turned me into an empty casing, soulless and incapable of feeling. Surely, I was still full of bitterness and of fears, I was afraid of what I would become without Tora, but I had grown stone-hard from denying a mistake that I was accused of committing, when the only thing that I knew wrong was my dictated fate as a servant of God and his most beloved creations.
Why could He not love us in the same way?
Without forewarning, the air suddenly became rigid, like thousands of needles coming from somewhere unseen were simultaneously puncturing my whole body. A familiar strong aura descended down, so powerful that my knees were swaying from an invisible mass hovering in the vacant space. My dread grew more fervent, now accompanied by anger, gushing through my entire consciousness. A single white feather gracefully falling down instantly disappeared in one blink and there he was instead, standing in front of me, his wings, glittering and elegantly stretched out, with his silky black hair sensuously hanging down past his shoulders, and his foreboding eyes burrowing deep in mine.
“Have you contemplated well enough?” There was no smile on his stern face but he sounded as if he was sincerely giving me a warm greeting.
“History indeed likes repeating itself,” I half smirked, opposing the cold shudders starting to spread all over me. “Should I congratulate you the way they did back then? After all, you, for several millennia have been a very dedicated Dominion, right? Ne, Aoi-sama…”
Another sharp stinging pain similar to what Uruha had given me earlier settled harshly on my cheek, making me cringe again. But this time, I remained on my feet, reminding myself of Uruha and of Tora, who almost had sacrificed his life in order to keep mine.
Aoi was very calm and I hated myself for being a close friend of his in the past. “I refuse to accept,” I declared, clutching the air with my quivering fingers. “But what is important to me is Tora.”
Aoi narrowed his eyes maliciously, saving the intimidating mask from slipping off his guard. “That is Tora-sama to me and to you Shou…”
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Endnotes: Shou’s contact lenses are haunting me in my dreams! I have like… five versions of this chapter… cus I can’t seem to make it right. I was about to post it the other week but I was too busy and exhausted cus it’s the start of the new semester in uni so… having said those reasons (acceptable or not), I’m really sorry it took me some time to update. And of course, as usual, comments are greatly appreciated~~ <333 *forces the new character to bribe you with cookies* ^_~
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