Beautifully Broken WIP (7 of ?)
Title: Beautifully Broken
Author: my_specialhell
Rating: NC17, H, A, RPS, nonAU (in the sense that J2 are the ones of Supernatural)
Fandom: Supernatural (RPS)
Pairing: Jensen/Jared , Jensen/Danneell and Jared/Genevieve
Disclaimer: It never happened. It's fiction. Don't sue.
Summary: Years after the end of the show life has changed for both Jensen and Jared.Tragedy and self deception kept them apart, will they find their way back to each other? Spoilers: Vague and general for the show.
Warnings: Character Death. Angst. Oh, and I can't write smut to save my life.
Author's Notes: I'm packing to go to hell...I caved in: I'm writing a RPS fan-fiction, something I thought I'd never do, then SPN entered my life and since the idea for this fan-fiction came up in my mind, I couldn't stop thinking about it, I had to write it. English is not my language, so there are probably tons of mistakes, since I'm flying solo on this one. Oh, and it goes without saying that I mean no ill in any way, shape or form to Jensen, Jared, Genevieve or Danneell! It's fiction guys, just that! Also, suspension of disbelief is a great thing:)
Previous Parts here: I - II - III - IV - V- VI
Home sweet home
Except that it wasn't really home, was it? Jared thought as he looked around in the empty house. He had tripped on something as he looked for the switch to turn the lights on, and it had it him one more: not your house, not your life...
Gen had done something to the walls while he was gone for his movie, they looked different, they were now of a pale yellow hue...didn't they use to be cream colored? Maybe she had even told him about it, or maybe not, he couldn't really remember; the shooting of the movie had been pure hell: asshole director, idiot writers, costars that proved that Darwinism might be cruel and brutal, but it was a necessity -he was past the point of exhaustion both physical and mental.
He had left Los Angeles with things with Gen shot to hell, with that constant emptiness the size of a black hole inside of him that had kept on swallowing him. Months alone, in New Zaeland, as he had reevaluated his life, had kept looking at old pictures, old mementos of something that to him was as real as the first day, had worn him to the bone.
He had had a lot of time to think for the past few months, he had forced himself to really face his life and his choices.
He hadn't worked non stop just to establish his name, his careeer...he had just been running in circles, ever since the night of the funeral, when he had left Jensen after he had asked him to get out of his life
For real this time, man...
He had lived in denial for the following few years, keeping up a charade, the fight with Genevieve shortly before he had left for New Zaeland had been the end of it. He had realized it that night, when he hadn't followed Gen to their bedroom and after hours spent staring the wall he had just crashed in one of the guestrooms.
He had stopped to even try to pretend....and he had worn her thin, because in the end, Gen had stopped too.
There hadn't been any more fights between them, things had been remarkably civil between them, they had talked every day on the phone, while he had been shooting his movie, and neither of them had apologized for the fight, or for the fact that she hadn't even been in Los Angeles when he had left. They hadn't needed to...it was definitely too little and too fucking late for apologies anyway.
They had kept calling each other every day, as he was shooting the movie, more out of habit than for an actual need to talk. They hadn't even approached the subject of the future of their marriage...
Truth was that Jared should have followed Gen into her room that night and call the bluff off. He had stopped trying...but still he hadn't been able to let go...
No, the truth...the honest to God truth was that he had stopped trying the minute he had knocked on Jensen's door, in that hotel in Chicago.
And he had come back sooner to Los Angeles because he felt he owed Gen and himself that conversation. It was long overdue.
He had come back sooner, choosing a weekend he had known Gen would be spending in Los Angeles.
He had been pretending for too long and he was sick of it. So sick. He had even stopped being afraid of the consequences.
He loved Genevieve, he really did...he always would, but he wasn't in love with her. He had never been if he were to be honest to himself. He had deluded himself into thinking that he could shelve his feelings for Jensen in a corner of his heart and be a good husband to Gen.
God, how wrong he had been!
He didn't even care that Jensen wasn't in his life any more. Not in that moment. He would finally face that reality *after* he talked to his wife.
He owed Gen and himself some honesty.
The house, though, was empty. It was past midnight and no one was home. He went to the master bedroom, chuckling to himself.
How anticlimatic! He had worked himself up for days for that conversation, accepting the fact that he would effectively put an official end to his marriage, that he would be forced to admit some hard truths he had spent years trying to avoid facing...that he would hurt one more woman he loved...only to find an empty house!
He even double checked his copy of Gen's sheet-call. They still had the habit to keep each other's sheet-calls, to know when to call each other and have more time...and Jared knew she was supposed to be home. She had told him she would be home when he had called her.
He entered the bedroom and looked around, noticing the dresses sprawled on the bed, the make up and some of Gen's bracelets on the dresser and frowned when he noticed the bottle of perfume next to her tennis bracelet, the one he had given her for her birthday, the year they got married.
“Oh....” Jared only said, slowly blinking his eyes. That wasn't the usual bran of perfume Gen used. She only used that particular perfume on special dates. He knew, because she had told him, because he recalled the way that perfume perfectly blended with her natural musk.
He took a step closer to the dresser, still owishly blinking. That didn't really come as a surprise to him; he had half suspected Gen had started fucking one of her co-stars for months now, but he hadn't said a word to her about it. He had ignored the rumors that had reached him, just like he had refused to dwell on his own doubts.
What was worst? All he could think, while his eyes were still fixed on that blood red stupid bottle was, “Good for you, Gen...at least one of us is happy!”
He really couldn't bring himself to feel jealousy or hurt about what was going on, since he had started it all. And he had done that the moment he had pinned Jensen against the wall of that hotel room and had kissed him, long and hard, muffling Jensen's protests and smiling against the man's mouth when Jensen had given in and had started to kiss him back.
He shook his head as he sat on the bad. Even then...he was lying, to himself...
He had started things a lot sooner than that night in Chicago, long before Gen came into his life.
He had started things when he had thought that being fuck buddies with his best friend wasn't really cheating, that it wasn't a big deal.
As long as it was just about getting off.
It had taken him almost a decade to get that it had never really been about sex.
And that it had been a big deal.
It had taken almost a decade to remember that he had got the truth on a plane, right at the beginning...that it wasn't about sex, it was about love...it had always been
***
June, 2007
“Why didn't you tell him, again?” Sandy asked as soon as Jared shut the cell phone.
Jared grinned at his girlfriend and said, “He's already freaking out, Danneel is about to kill him”
Sandy arched an eyebrow at his words and lightly pursed her lips before saying, “And knowing you're going to be there is supposed to freak him out more...because?”
Foot, meet mouth...Jared thought, he shrugged and smiled at Sandy saying, “Oh, you know Jensen...”
“Not really...” Sandy mumbled under her breath.
The smile didn't leave Jared's face even if he didn't really feel like smiling any more. He didn't like the way Sandy was eying from the passenger's seat of the car. He didn't like the hint of mistrust in his girlfriend's voice.
His best friend was totally kicking ass with his play, or so Danneel and Mac had told him. His best friend was still freaking out, despite having showed he could own the stage...what was he supposed to do? For Jared, going to see Jensen's play was a no brainer...and the fact that Jensen and he had sex had nothing to do with that.
It wasn't a big deal.
So, what if he had actually had to bend backwards to get those few free hours from the shooting of his movie?
“You're being a big drama queen, J, you're doing great!”
What if he had been on the phone almost constantly with one of the Ackles or Danneel to make sue things were going fine and that Jensen still had no clue about his surprise?
“Yeah...thanks, man! I kinda...miss you having my back”
Sandy hadn't objected at the beginning, although she wasn't exactly Jensen's number one fan these days, but she had grown incredibly tense since they had landed.
“What's up, sweetheart?” He asked when she sighed, breaking his train of thoughts.
“You look...happy...” Sandy said and despite her voice had come out harsh, she was smiling at him.
Jared frowned. Huh? Of course he was happy! He had everything he had always dreamed, why wouldn't be happy?
Sandy covered his hand on the steering wheel and squeezed it for a moment before she added, “You haven't looked that happy for weeks...”
Jared chose to ignore the meaning behind her words.
“Yeah...me too”
What Jensen and he did...what they had started in Jensen's trailer the year before, what had turned into...what they currently had - and later, much later, Jared would see the irony in the fact that it had happened during a black out - whatever it was, it had nothing to do with that night, with Jensen's play, with their friendship.
Those moments...while they were in Vancouver were just a facet of their friendship. He couldn't bring himself to feel guilty about it, and he knew Jensen didn't feel guilty toward Danneel either. It was just a * thing *
“It's just...” Sandy was saying, “you guys are always together, Jared...”
Jared sighed, gritting his teeth in annoyance as traffic slowed down. No, not that argument again!
Everyone had felt entitled to tell him that the amount of time he spent with his co-star was odd: his parents, his brother, his friends in Los Angeles. Even Eric Kripke had mumbled something about character bleed. He was not Sam Winchester and Jensen sure as hell wasn't Dean!
Not surprisingly it had been only Megan to show him some support; of course his little sister had seemed to read right through all his half truths...and of course his baby sister had shown her colors as hopeless romantic and he had had a hard time convincing her that things with Jensen weren't like that.
And now Sandy too...
“I don't know, Sandy...is there a specific quota I need to fulfill for it to be acceptable?” He asked, wishing his voice didn't sound so harsh and bitter, he took a deep calming breath, releasing a little his grip on the steering wheel and continued, “He's my best friend, Sandy....”
He turned his head on her side and caught a glimpse of her profile, he noticed how she was furrowing her brows, how tense her body looked; they were almost there, he could see the theatre and his smile grew wider with anticipation, he ignored Sandy's stare as he picked up his cell phone when it ringed, but he forced his smile to dim a little when he saw the caller's ID.
“Hey, what's up?” He asked Jensen. His voice casual, not giving anything away...to anyone: either Jensen or Sandy.
“I'm going to throw up!” Jensen said as a way of greeting.
Jared checked his watch for a moment, and he didn't understand, why he was so moved by the fact that Jensen had called him, ten minutes before he was supposed to be on stage.
“No, you won't” Jared reassured him.
“I thought it was supposed to get better, you know?” Jensen mumbled...and poor guy, Jared could really feel he was freaking out.
“It doesn't” Jared replied with a smile as he parked the car.
“Asshole! Why I'm friends with you, again?”
Jared chuckled, suddenly feeling embarrassed...if he had been alone, he'd have had a few choice of answers to that question...things that best friends were not supposed to know about each other...or do to each other...but that made totally sense to them.
Jensen sensed his hesitancy because in a light voice asked, “Is Sandy there with you?”
“Yep!” Jared replied and his voice was as light and casual as Jensen's had been, “She says hi! And I'm serious here, man, I read it somewhere...it won't get better, you'll still feel like shit, but you'll still go up on stage and kick it in the ass!”
“I still think it wasn't a genius idea...” Jensen said...and Jared knew it was just nerves talking. Jensen was a good actor, he worked very hard and with so much passion at his craft; they had worked side by side for two years, he knew how much Jensen could own a character.
“And I still think you're full of shit! Now go and give Lou a ride for his money!”
Jensen chuckled at his lame words and he could hear him relaxing, he heard him breathing and, for a moment, his mind went elsewhere, in places he definitely wasn't supposed to explore, not while in the car with his girlfriend. Fact was, though, he could almost feel Jensen's hot breath tickling his skin, his naked skin as they...
what? They fucked? Yes, sometimes they did fuck, when drunk or horny or strung high with adrenaline after daunting scenes on set; they fucked, hard and fast, with not so much of a word sad between them, only bodies pressed together, limbs intertwining.
They had sex? Yes they did: hot, mindblowing sex. Jensen knew exactly how to touch him, kiss him, to set every fiber of his being on fire...and apparently he had the same talent.
Yet...that hadn't been the first word he had thought.
Made love. Did they make love?
The sound of Jensen's breath over the phone reminded him that they had made love: gazes locked on each other, mouths kissing, tasting each other, bodies moving together, in perfect synchrony, Jensen's breath tickling his skin as he entered him.
“Feeling any better?” He asked, forcing himself away from his thoughts, remembering where he was: in a rented car, with his girlfriend, outside the theatre where Jensen was about to perform.
“Yeah...” Jensen whispered, “kinda...” and he sounded indeed calmer. And Jared absolutely didn't wonder, whether his friend had had the same thoughts, whetherh his mind had gone to the same places.
Jared could feel Sandy's eyes on him, now, as he mumbled his good bye to Jensen, playing his part to the perfection, although he had no idea for whom he had been played it: Jensen, Sandy? Himself?
He shut the cellphone and turned to look at his girlfriend. “Nerves” He said shrugging, acting normal, feeling anything but. He was feeling guilty, for the first time since the whole thing with Jensen had started. That phone conversation had felt like cheating...
“Oh, I'm sure he'll feel better when he sees you!” Sandy exclaimed and she sounded upset now and jealous. “Sometimes it's really hard to believe you guys are just friends, Jay...” Sandy said after a few seconds of awkward silence.
“But that's what we are...” Jared said, and something in his voice or his eyes must have convinced Sandy, because she smiled at him and said, “Well, you do have a huge mancrush on the guy...”
Jared let out a laughter, feeling for the second time that night like a cheater.
“Just don't tell him..or I will never live it down” He said eventually, the guilt still lingering over him.
Sandy shook her head as they got out of the car, “Wouldn't want to give him false hopes, honey...”
Sandy didn't look at him as she said those words and Jared was glad she hadn't and her voice had been low, enough for him to pretend he hadn't heard her. It would have been hard to explain the blush that had colored his cheeks at her words.
He had troubles to explaining it to himself...just like he had troubles rationalizing why his heart had skipped a beat at her words.
What Sandy had been implying was laughable!
Wasn't it?
Jensen did not, could not have feelings for him, couldn't he?
It was just sex! Good sex...but that was it! It was just a close friendship with fucked up boundaries!
Yet her didn't think about sex, about fucked up boundaries, or the exact nature of their relationship as he watched Jensen perform.
Sure, he was hot in that uniform and the way he owned the stage, oozing charisma was exciting.
The only thing in Jared's mind as he watched the man performing on stage was how proud he was of him. How happy he was to see him enjoying the simple act of performing, of being an actor.
Sex, friendship, fucked up relationships didn't even crossi his mind as he bolted up from his chair at the end of the play, clapping wildly.
He sought Jensen's eyes, almost willed him him to look his way. And incredibly enough he did. Jensen did look at him, his eyes lighting up with surprise and happiness and Jared grinned at his...friend? Fuck buddy?
It didn't matter, he decided.
The only thing that really mattered to him was the way Jensen had smiled at him, the way his eyes had lit up with joy, with that look he only seemed to have when they were together.
Only later did he realize that he had flown all the way to Texas to see again that look in Jensen's eyes. Only later, much later he admitted that he had been insanely proud, almost viscerally so of that look, because it belonged to him only, but when he did, he had already lost Jensen.
* * *
“Well...” Jensen mumbled when Sandy and Danneel excused themselves to go to the ladies room, “that wasn't awkward at all!”
Jared nodded in agreement, “Yeah, tell me about it...”
The dinner after the play had been the epitome of awkward. Jared had to give props to Danneel: she had tried to make things light, chatting and gossiping and Jared had the nigging suspicion that Jensen's girlfriend knew everything about them...and couldn't care less.
Jensen confirmed his suspicions when he said, “I owe Danni, big time!”
Jared did a double take, “Seriously?” he asked.
Jensen shrugged but didn't answer him, he didn't need to. Jared shook his head and drank his wine.
It had been awkward pretending not to want to be alone with Jensen, trying not to stare at his lips, as he spoke, not when Sandy was sitting next to him. It had been hard not to stare at Jensen, not to laugh too hard at his jokes, not to let their body draw closer, as they naturally were used to do.
Jensen looked tired, he was staring at his glass, a half smile playing on his lips and Jared noticed that unlike before, the silence wasn't awkward at all, it was just like when they were on one of their trailers on set, or in his living room, chilling out after a long day.
“You were really great, man...” Jared said, breaking the silence, finding it suddenly too warm and comfortable...because there was no way that Sandy wouldn't understand what was really going on between them if she chose that moment to come back.
“You already said that” Jensen said smiling, “Thanks man...I mean it”
“No,” Jared said, “I mean it...you totally blew me away...”
Jensen cocked an eyebrow at him and smirked at his words before saying, “Eh...” he sipped from his glass adding with a mumble, “I wish”
The longing Jared heard in Jensen's mumbled words went straight to his groin and Jensen smiled, seemingly oblivious of the effect he was having on him, but Jared knew better. Just like he knew that he hadn't been the only one having to pretend and not to stare that night.
“You are going to pay for this, Ackles” He said, but he was smiling
Jensen stretched an arm over the vacant chair next to him, saying, “Promises, promises...”
They were both grinning when, a few seconds later, Sandy and Danneel came back to their table, and it took and even stronger effort than before for Jared not to stare at Jensen or avoid walking too close to him when they got out of the restaurant.
“So back to playing a painter, uh?” Jensen said.
“Dude” Jared replied as they got close to his car, “One name: Peter O'Toole!”
He let go of Sandy's hand, opening the door's car for her, without even stopping looking at Jensen who was smirking at him and Jared realized that Jensen was channeling Dean in that moment; all the telltale signs were there, but Jared chose to let it go as he said his goodbye to Danneel, who looked like she didn't have a clue about what was going on, until he pulled her in a hug and she whispered against his ear, “You guys are so stupid...really”
She gave him a smirk and then went past him to hug Sandy, giving him, once more, time with Jensen.
“See you, buddy” Jensen said, his hands stifled in the pocket of his jeans, “Thank you again for coming!”
He nodded at Jensen, he could feel Sandy's eyes on him, observing him, but he didn't, couldn't bring himself to care when he wordlessly pulled Jensen in a hug. They * had* hugged after the play, in front of Jensen's family, his co-stars...but it hadn't felt real. It had been a short affair, he hadn't really felt Jensen's body against his, like he was doing now.
Jensen hadn't really hugged him back, not like he was doing now. He didn't linger, didn't strike stupid poses. They weren't on some red carpet. But it was still an act all the same, and neither did Jensen. They bumped fists and Jared didn't even pay attention to what Jensen and he said. He ignored Sandy's glance all the way to the airport as they hurried to catch the red eye flight to Vancouver and he pretended to fall asleep the minute he fastened his seat belt. He kept his eyes closed until he fell asleep for real.
When he woke up, while they were landing, Sandy was sleeping, and Jared had to avert his gaze from her when he noticed her tear streaked face.
What was he doing?
Author: my_specialhell
Rating: NC17, H, A, RPS, nonAU (in the sense that J2 are the ones of Supernatural)
Fandom: Supernatural (RPS)
Pairing: Jensen/Jared , Jensen/Danneell and Jared/Genevieve
Disclaimer: It never happened. It's fiction. Don't sue.
Summary: Years after the end of the show life has changed for both Jensen and Jared.Tragedy and self deception kept them apart, will they find their way back to each other? Spoilers: Vague and general for the show.
Warnings: Character Death. Angst. Oh, and I can't write smut to save my life.
Author's Notes: I'm packing to go to hell...I caved in: I'm writing a RPS fan-fiction, something I thought I'd never do, then SPN entered my life and since the idea for this fan-fiction came up in my mind, I couldn't stop thinking about it, I had to write it. English is not my language, so there are probably tons of mistakes, since I'm flying solo on this one. Oh, and it goes without saying that I mean no ill in any way, shape or form to Jensen, Jared, Genevieve or Danneell! It's fiction guys, just that! Also, suspension of disbelief is a great thing:)
Previous Parts here: I - II - III - IV - V- VI
Home sweet home
Except that it wasn't really home, was it? Jared thought as he looked around in the empty house. He had tripped on something as he looked for the switch to turn the lights on, and it had it him one more: not your house, not your life...
Gen had done something to the walls while he was gone for his movie, they looked different, they were now of a pale yellow hue...didn't they use to be cream colored? Maybe she had even told him about it, or maybe not, he couldn't really remember; the shooting of the movie had been pure hell: asshole director, idiot writers, costars that proved that Darwinism might be cruel and brutal, but it was a necessity -he was past the point of exhaustion both physical and mental.
He had left Los Angeles with things with Gen shot to hell, with that constant emptiness the size of a black hole inside of him that had kept on swallowing him. Months alone, in New Zaeland, as he had reevaluated his life, had kept looking at old pictures, old mementos of something that to him was as real as the first day, had worn him to the bone.
He had had a lot of time to think for the past few months, he had forced himself to really face his life and his choices.
He hadn't worked non stop just to establish his name, his careeer...he had just been running in circles, ever since the night of the funeral, when he had left Jensen after he had asked him to get out of his life
For real this time, man...
He had lived in denial for the following few years, keeping up a charade, the fight with Genevieve shortly before he had left for New Zaeland had been the end of it. He had realized it that night, when he hadn't followed Gen to their bedroom and after hours spent staring the wall he had just crashed in one of the guestrooms.
He had stopped to even try to pretend....and he had worn her thin, because in the end, Gen had stopped too.
There hadn't been any more fights between them, things had been remarkably civil between them, they had talked every day on the phone, while he had been shooting his movie, and neither of them had apologized for the fight, or for the fact that she hadn't even been in Los Angeles when he had left. They hadn't needed to...it was definitely too little and too fucking late for apologies anyway.
They had kept calling each other every day, as he was shooting the movie, more out of habit than for an actual need to talk. They hadn't even approached the subject of the future of their marriage...
Truth was that Jared should have followed Gen into her room that night and call the bluff off. He had stopped trying...but still he hadn't been able to let go...
No, the truth...the honest to God truth was that he had stopped trying the minute he had knocked on Jensen's door, in that hotel in Chicago.
And he had come back sooner to Los Angeles because he felt he owed Gen and himself that conversation. It was long overdue.
He had come back sooner, choosing a weekend he had known Gen would be spending in Los Angeles.
He had been pretending for too long and he was sick of it. So sick. He had even stopped being afraid of the consequences.
He loved Genevieve, he really did...he always would, but he wasn't in love with her. He had never been if he were to be honest to himself. He had deluded himself into thinking that he could shelve his feelings for Jensen in a corner of his heart and be a good husband to Gen.
God, how wrong he had been!
He didn't even care that Jensen wasn't in his life any more. Not in that moment. He would finally face that reality *after* he talked to his wife.
He owed Gen and himself some honesty.
The house, though, was empty. It was past midnight and no one was home. He went to the master bedroom, chuckling to himself.
How anticlimatic! He had worked himself up for days for that conversation, accepting the fact that he would effectively put an official end to his marriage, that he would be forced to admit some hard truths he had spent years trying to avoid facing...that he would hurt one more woman he loved...only to find an empty house!
He even double checked his copy of Gen's sheet-call. They still had the habit to keep each other's sheet-calls, to know when to call each other and have more time...and Jared knew she was supposed to be home. She had told him she would be home when he had called her.
He entered the bedroom and looked around, noticing the dresses sprawled on the bed, the make up and some of Gen's bracelets on the dresser and frowned when he noticed the bottle of perfume next to her tennis bracelet, the one he had given her for her birthday, the year they got married.
“Oh....” Jared only said, slowly blinking his eyes. That wasn't the usual bran of perfume Gen used. She only used that particular perfume on special dates. He knew, because she had told him, because he recalled the way that perfume perfectly blended with her natural musk.
He took a step closer to the dresser, still owishly blinking. That didn't really come as a surprise to him; he had half suspected Gen had started fucking one of her co-stars for months now, but he hadn't said a word to her about it. He had ignored the rumors that had reached him, just like he had refused to dwell on his own doubts.
What was worst? All he could think, while his eyes were still fixed on that blood red stupid bottle was, “Good for you, Gen...at least one of us is happy!”
He really couldn't bring himself to feel jealousy or hurt about what was going on, since he had started it all. And he had done that the moment he had pinned Jensen against the wall of that hotel room and had kissed him, long and hard, muffling Jensen's protests and smiling against the man's mouth when Jensen had given in and had started to kiss him back.
He shook his head as he sat on the bad. Even then...he was lying, to himself...
He had started things a lot sooner than that night in Chicago, long before Gen came into his life.
He had started things when he had thought that being fuck buddies with his best friend wasn't really cheating, that it wasn't a big deal.
As long as it was just about getting off.
It had taken him almost a decade to get that it had never really been about sex.
And that it had been a big deal.
It had taken almost a decade to remember that he had got the truth on a plane, right at the beginning...that it wasn't about sex, it was about love...it had always been
***
June, 2007
“Why didn't you tell him, again?” Sandy asked as soon as Jared shut the cell phone.
Jared grinned at his girlfriend and said, “He's already freaking out, Danneel is about to kill him”
Sandy arched an eyebrow at his words and lightly pursed her lips before saying, “And knowing you're going to be there is supposed to freak him out more...because?”
Foot, meet mouth...Jared thought, he shrugged and smiled at Sandy saying, “Oh, you know Jensen...”
“Not really...” Sandy mumbled under her breath.
The smile didn't leave Jared's face even if he didn't really feel like smiling any more. He didn't like the way Sandy was eying from the passenger's seat of the car. He didn't like the hint of mistrust in his girlfriend's voice.
His best friend was totally kicking ass with his play, or so Danneel and Mac had told him. His best friend was still freaking out, despite having showed he could own the stage...what was he supposed to do? For Jared, going to see Jensen's play was a no brainer...and the fact that Jensen and he had sex had nothing to do with that.
It wasn't a big deal.
So, what if he had actually had to bend backwards to get those few free hours from the shooting of his movie?
“You're being a big drama queen, J, you're doing great!”
What if he had been on the phone almost constantly with one of the Ackles or Danneel to make sue things were going fine and that Jensen still had no clue about his surprise?
“Yeah...thanks, man! I kinda...miss you having my back”
Sandy hadn't objected at the beginning, although she wasn't exactly Jensen's number one fan these days, but she had grown incredibly tense since they had landed.
“What's up, sweetheart?” He asked when she sighed, breaking his train of thoughts.
“You look...happy...” Sandy said and despite her voice had come out harsh, she was smiling at him.
Jared frowned. Huh? Of course he was happy! He had everything he had always dreamed, why wouldn't be happy?
Sandy covered his hand on the steering wheel and squeezed it for a moment before she added, “You haven't looked that happy for weeks...”
Jared chose to ignore the meaning behind her words.
“Yeah...me too”
What Jensen and he did...what they had started in Jensen's trailer the year before, what had turned into...what they currently had - and later, much later, Jared would see the irony in the fact that it had happened during a black out - whatever it was, it had nothing to do with that night, with Jensen's play, with their friendship.
Those moments...while they were in Vancouver were just a facet of their friendship. He couldn't bring himself to feel guilty about it, and he knew Jensen didn't feel guilty toward Danneel either. It was just a * thing *
“It's just...” Sandy was saying, “you guys are always together, Jared...”
Jared sighed, gritting his teeth in annoyance as traffic slowed down. No, not that argument again!
Everyone had felt entitled to tell him that the amount of time he spent with his co-star was odd: his parents, his brother, his friends in Los Angeles. Even Eric Kripke had mumbled something about character bleed. He was not Sam Winchester and Jensen sure as hell wasn't Dean!
Not surprisingly it had been only Megan to show him some support; of course his little sister had seemed to read right through all his half truths...and of course his baby sister had shown her colors as hopeless romantic and he had had a hard time convincing her that things with Jensen weren't like that.
And now Sandy too...
“I don't know, Sandy...is there a specific quota I need to fulfill for it to be acceptable?” He asked, wishing his voice didn't sound so harsh and bitter, he took a deep calming breath, releasing a little his grip on the steering wheel and continued, “He's my best friend, Sandy....”
He turned his head on her side and caught a glimpse of her profile, he noticed how she was furrowing her brows, how tense her body looked; they were almost there, he could see the theatre and his smile grew wider with anticipation, he ignored Sandy's stare as he picked up his cell phone when it ringed, but he forced his smile to dim a little when he saw the caller's ID.
“Hey, what's up?” He asked Jensen. His voice casual, not giving anything away...to anyone: either Jensen or Sandy.
“I'm going to throw up!” Jensen said as a way of greeting.
Jared checked his watch for a moment, and he didn't understand, why he was so moved by the fact that Jensen had called him, ten minutes before he was supposed to be on stage.
“No, you won't” Jared reassured him.
“I thought it was supposed to get better, you know?” Jensen mumbled...and poor guy, Jared could really feel he was freaking out.
“It doesn't” Jared replied with a smile as he parked the car.
“Asshole! Why I'm friends with you, again?”
Jared chuckled, suddenly feeling embarrassed...if he had been alone, he'd have had a few choice of answers to that question...things that best friends were not supposed to know about each other...or do to each other...but that made totally sense to them.
Jensen sensed his hesitancy because in a light voice asked, “Is Sandy there with you?”
“Yep!” Jared replied and his voice was as light and casual as Jensen's had been, “She says hi! And I'm serious here, man, I read it somewhere...it won't get better, you'll still feel like shit, but you'll still go up on stage and kick it in the ass!”
“I still think it wasn't a genius idea...” Jensen said...and Jared knew it was just nerves talking. Jensen was a good actor, he worked very hard and with so much passion at his craft; they had worked side by side for two years, he knew how much Jensen could own a character.
“And I still think you're full of shit! Now go and give Lou a ride for his money!”
Jensen chuckled at his lame words and he could hear him relaxing, he heard him breathing and, for a moment, his mind went elsewhere, in places he definitely wasn't supposed to explore, not while in the car with his girlfriend. Fact was, though, he could almost feel Jensen's hot breath tickling his skin, his naked skin as they...
what? They fucked? Yes, sometimes they did fuck, when drunk or horny or strung high with adrenaline after daunting scenes on set; they fucked, hard and fast, with not so much of a word sad between them, only bodies pressed together, limbs intertwining.
They had sex? Yes they did: hot, mindblowing sex. Jensen knew exactly how to touch him, kiss him, to set every fiber of his being on fire...and apparently he had the same talent.
Yet...that hadn't been the first word he had thought.
Made love. Did they make love?
The sound of Jensen's breath over the phone reminded him that they had made love: gazes locked on each other, mouths kissing, tasting each other, bodies moving together, in perfect synchrony, Jensen's breath tickling his skin as he entered him.
“Feeling any better?” He asked, forcing himself away from his thoughts, remembering where he was: in a rented car, with his girlfriend, outside the theatre where Jensen was about to perform.
“Yeah...” Jensen whispered, “kinda...” and he sounded indeed calmer. And Jared absolutely didn't wonder, whether his friend had had the same thoughts, whetherh his mind had gone to the same places.
Jared could feel Sandy's eyes on him, now, as he mumbled his good bye to Jensen, playing his part to the perfection, although he had no idea for whom he had been played it: Jensen, Sandy? Himself?
He shut the cellphone and turned to look at his girlfriend. “Nerves” He said shrugging, acting normal, feeling anything but. He was feeling guilty, for the first time since the whole thing with Jensen had started. That phone conversation had felt like cheating...
“Oh, I'm sure he'll feel better when he sees you!” Sandy exclaimed and she sounded upset now and jealous. “Sometimes it's really hard to believe you guys are just friends, Jay...” Sandy said after a few seconds of awkward silence.
“But that's what we are...” Jared said, and something in his voice or his eyes must have convinced Sandy, because she smiled at him and said, “Well, you do have a huge mancrush on the guy...”
Jared let out a laughter, feeling for the second time that night like a cheater.
“Just don't tell him..or I will never live it down” He said eventually, the guilt still lingering over him.
Sandy shook her head as they got out of the car, “Wouldn't want to give him false hopes, honey...”
Sandy didn't look at him as she said those words and Jared was glad she hadn't and her voice had been low, enough for him to pretend he hadn't heard her. It would have been hard to explain the blush that had colored his cheeks at her words.
He had troubles to explaining it to himself...just like he had troubles rationalizing why his heart had skipped a beat at her words.
What Sandy had been implying was laughable!
Wasn't it?
Jensen did not, could not have feelings for him, couldn't he?
It was just sex! Good sex...but that was it! It was just a close friendship with fucked up boundaries!
Yet her didn't think about sex, about fucked up boundaries, or the exact nature of their relationship as he watched Jensen perform.
Sure, he was hot in that uniform and the way he owned the stage, oozing charisma was exciting.
The only thing in Jared's mind as he watched the man performing on stage was how proud he was of him. How happy he was to see him enjoying the simple act of performing, of being an actor.
Sex, friendship, fucked up relationships didn't even crossi his mind as he bolted up from his chair at the end of the play, clapping wildly.
He sought Jensen's eyes, almost willed him him to look his way. And incredibly enough he did. Jensen did look at him, his eyes lighting up with surprise and happiness and Jared grinned at his...friend? Fuck buddy?
It didn't matter, he decided.
The only thing that really mattered to him was the way Jensen had smiled at him, the way his eyes had lit up with joy, with that look he only seemed to have when they were together.
Only later did he realize that he had flown all the way to Texas to see again that look in Jensen's eyes. Only later, much later he admitted that he had been insanely proud, almost viscerally so of that look, because it belonged to him only, but when he did, he had already lost Jensen.
* * *
“Well...” Jensen mumbled when Sandy and Danneel excused themselves to go to the ladies room, “that wasn't awkward at all!”
Jared nodded in agreement, “Yeah, tell me about it...”
The dinner after the play had been the epitome of awkward. Jared had to give props to Danneel: she had tried to make things light, chatting and gossiping and Jared had the nigging suspicion that Jensen's girlfriend knew everything about them...and couldn't care less.
Jensen confirmed his suspicions when he said, “I owe Danni, big time!”
Jared did a double take, “Seriously?” he asked.
Jensen shrugged but didn't answer him, he didn't need to. Jared shook his head and drank his wine.
It had been awkward pretending not to want to be alone with Jensen, trying not to stare at his lips, as he spoke, not when Sandy was sitting next to him. It had been hard not to stare at Jensen, not to laugh too hard at his jokes, not to let their body draw closer, as they naturally were used to do.
Jensen looked tired, he was staring at his glass, a half smile playing on his lips and Jared noticed that unlike before, the silence wasn't awkward at all, it was just like when they were on one of their trailers on set, or in his living room, chilling out after a long day.
“You were really great, man...” Jared said, breaking the silence, finding it suddenly too warm and comfortable...because there was no way that Sandy wouldn't understand what was really going on between them if she chose that moment to come back.
“You already said that” Jensen said smiling, “Thanks man...I mean it”
“No,” Jared said, “I mean it...you totally blew me away...”
Jensen cocked an eyebrow at him and smirked at his words before saying, “Eh...” he sipped from his glass adding with a mumble, “I wish”
The longing Jared heard in Jensen's mumbled words went straight to his groin and Jensen smiled, seemingly oblivious of the effect he was having on him, but Jared knew better. Just like he knew that he hadn't been the only one having to pretend and not to stare that night.
“You are going to pay for this, Ackles” He said, but he was smiling
Jensen stretched an arm over the vacant chair next to him, saying, “Promises, promises...”
They were both grinning when, a few seconds later, Sandy and Danneel came back to their table, and it took and even stronger effort than before for Jared not to stare at Jensen or avoid walking too close to him when they got out of the restaurant.
“So back to playing a painter, uh?” Jensen said.
“Dude” Jared replied as they got close to his car, “One name: Peter O'Toole!”
He let go of Sandy's hand, opening the door's car for her, without even stopping looking at Jensen who was smirking at him and Jared realized that Jensen was channeling Dean in that moment; all the telltale signs were there, but Jared chose to let it go as he said his goodbye to Danneel, who looked like she didn't have a clue about what was going on, until he pulled her in a hug and she whispered against his ear, “You guys are so stupid...really”
She gave him a smirk and then went past him to hug Sandy, giving him, once more, time with Jensen.
“See you, buddy” Jensen said, his hands stifled in the pocket of his jeans, “Thank you again for coming!”
He nodded at Jensen, he could feel Sandy's eyes on him, observing him, but he didn't, couldn't bring himself to care when he wordlessly pulled Jensen in a hug. They * had* hugged after the play, in front of Jensen's family, his co-stars...but it hadn't felt real. It had been a short affair, he hadn't really felt Jensen's body against his, like he was doing now.
Jensen hadn't really hugged him back, not like he was doing now. He didn't linger, didn't strike stupid poses. They weren't on some red carpet. But it was still an act all the same, and neither did Jensen. They bumped fists and Jared didn't even pay attention to what Jensen and he said. He ignored Sandy's glance all the way to the airport as they hurried to catch the red eye flight to Vancouver and he pretended to fall asleep the minute he fastened his seat belt. He kept his eyes closed until he fell asleep for real.
When he woke up, while they were landing, Sandy was sleeping, and Jared had to avert his gaze from her when he noticed her tear streaked face.
What was he doing?