(no subject)
Something is wrong with me, and I'm not quite sure what it is. Everyone's always happy, and I feel like I bring them down because I've become so negative. I've lost confidence in myself, no.. I've lost myself all together. I feel like I'm a different person. I've been smoking weed every weekend. This is not what I want. It's not helping me, it's not "taking the edge" off of anything. I think it's because I don't exactly have a reason to smoke it. I don't do it for fun, I don't do it because 'everyone else is doing it'. It's just something that kind of happens. And since I've started, my mood swings have gotten worse, I've lacked caring about anything, and it doesn't feel write. That's not Jamie. That was Jamie years ago. The one I don't want to remember. The one that brought out the worst in me. I don't know. I guess a good thing is that I've moved on from Kenny. Him and I are finished, and I think he understands that. But I will admit, it did feel a little weird being around him today and not having him constantly putting his arms around me or just doing what he normally does. He didn't try anything. It's good, don't get me wrong, but I'm not used to it. I've moved on to better things though, I don't feel like I'm trapped in a relationship that wasn't really there. I have a boyfriend now, Josh, and for once, I'm happy with a guy. Him and I have only been going out a few days, but I already know now that he would never try and hurt me, intentionally, to say the least. He makes me really happy, and that's a plus. It just feels kind of awkward because we're REALLY good friends, and I honestly hope this doesn't fuck anything up between us. School sucks. I'm doing so badly right now, and I really can't stand it. I WANT to do better, I just don't know how. I'm pathetic, I am. I admit it. WHY don't I do my homework? WHY don't I do anything? It's all my fault too. Its not even like I can blame anyone anyway. I understand the work, I just don't do it. And it drives me crazy. I've been grounded the past two weeks for dumb reasons. Last last week, for having an "Attitude", but I kinda didn't, I was just pissed off or something and my mom took it the wrong way. Last week, for missing the bus, my mom grounds me, I call her a bitch, she grounds me more. Whatever. I don't care. It's not like I missed anything really.. God, I'm such a different person. Usually I take punishments so harshly. Yeah, I was pissed off at first, but in the end, I barely cared. Nothing really matters to me anymore. My friends seem to have better things to do than listen to me complain, and it doesn't really bother me because all I do all the fucking time is complain, complain, complain. But I think I'll just let it go, and keep everything to myself. I don't care if it eats me up inside. I don't care if it brings me to tears. I don't care if I hurt myself. I'm so numb. I know I act happy all the time, but really, I'm not. People tell me their little stories all day long, I just laugh and act like it's all good, like I care. And I try to, but it just doesn't matter to me. Everything just seems like a waste of time. It really isn't, but I have no emotion when people tell me things, I play it off. I know I may sound like a total bitch also, but I can't help it. I'm changing, and I'm not sure if it's going to be for the better or for the worse. I want to stop smoking weed. I want to stop drinking. I want to stop destroying myself. I want to become someone else, not this upset girl, constantly hiding how I really feel. It's almost like I'm dead inside. I don't know anymore.