despite everything, i've never been so willing
massachusetts. massachusetts and morning rain, quiet. days to do whatever the hell i feel like, and nights that stay full, i'm with a friend. i feel more like i'm taking advantage than visiting, though; the drive here was longer than expected, but it felt so good to step out of my car into heat more persuasive than in wayne and to spin and stretch my legs: i did this. and the trees are all the same, none of this high altitude bullshit flora. no, i wouldn't mind a little more time with zulick, but at the same time i am on my own and that means absolutely, that means that as long as i don't pick up my phone i stay centered and quiet and calm, and when that is accomplished days slide by easily. i wish i had somewhere as perfect to run away to that was a little closer to home, some place to meet half way. as things stand, i have twenty-four hours to enjoy what i've found and the best company i've had in a long time, even if i am a little in the way. easy and free, only this time something tangible and that feels so good. i have until three and i kind of want to run again, but i want to explore a little more so i'll end up driving. this place is entirely new and i love that, somehow it makes me want to demand meadville now and oh god but am i going to be the antisocial freshman, i'm going to keep on taking off and exploring backroads until i know that place by heart, and then i'll have to decide if i want to keep it. i feel alternately guilty and terrified that i don't even know if i'm going to want to keep it. i guess i have it in my head that college should be some place you adore, the place that you have no doubts about. i'm just trying to care, the place is in my head like a series of snapshots and it just looks safe. i hate myself for choosing something safe. clearly, it's been on my mind.
anyway: summer. camp begins on monday, and i was worried about recovery but i've been sleeping well (for a change?) if lightly and i wonder about that, if maybe there's something in that strafford air to keep me unbalanced. it feels that way, sometimes: the cops always sit in the same places and the town shuts down at ten. i need something more than that. maybe just something else. regardless, camp begins on monday and it means a return to someone else's life: i haven't been that kid for three years, but we compromise for the sake of horses - one gray, one app, one bay, one paint, something else i don't remember. lol. - so i don't know why i'm fine with waiting, i can't explain why monday just doesn't need to come. my car, my time, my paycheck, my thighs and my ass and my aches and pains.. sounds just perfect, right? Julie and Brooke and Beth, all in the same place. Adam isn't coming back this year, and we haven't had anything to say to each other in months but i'm pretty sure he could have slid that one past me without my noticing, i'm too tired of that to want to ask. not even a big deal, it doesn't even matter. can you give up on someone so thoroughly that you just want them out of your life? if the answer is yes, it's happened to me. if the answer is no, i'm not sure what to say. The bay is supposed to be from last year, but i can't even remember which horses we had last year and that bothers me a little bit, in passing. maybe i've just run out of things to say. on second thought: i am excited, i want to remember how it feels to come home in the afternoon to heat and sunlight and cold showers to get rid of the smells of leather and sweat and dirt, to get rid of the dirt and the grease and horse hair. i can't wait to ache because my muscles have to relearn how to move, i can't wait to fall in love all over again and gripe and moan about how awful it is (there's always a look that gets passed around, after, as if to be sure that everyone's in on the joke: we adore that place) because no one is willing to help us out. i wonder if we'd take help, were it offered. something in me says no. that feels good.
but, until monday: moose mobile, and the way it's been spinning since i arrived, i've been spinning since i arrived. i'm leaving tomorrow, and i have a feeling that my return trip will not only be delayed by traffic; i'm in no hurry to get back. i'm kind of afraid that, when i do leave for college it will be something permanent, that i won't go back. i'm trying not to think about it; that wouldn't go over so well with my family. but then, i indulge in other things that they have opposed outright: sex, drugs, [rock'n'roll]. same old story, you know the one. oh, and: as soon as i get back, i'll be having dinner with the family of one of my brother's friends. afterwards, i'm supposed to call this boy and i don't want to, i'm not happy with this until he's around and what the hell is going on with me, these days? something casual to fill space, to push out lonliness. i'm trying not to whine, i promise. but i don't like this and i don't want it and i pretty much just decided that and telling him is going to be a bitch. fantastic. i think my hopes for camp are far too high. but i'm pretty sure i had a point to make: here, quiet western mass. town, brick buildings and people so friendly i don't know how to respond, until tomorrow morning. then car, 91 to 95 to 76 plus a few things, i'm forgetting a few in between but that'll do. then dinner, no comment. then home, a word i've avoided pretty carefully until now, and the beginning of something that i hope can keep me occupied until fall. meticulously planned out, eight weeks from now. it's enough to make me want to break something. i can't wait to get away from that place. i'm really glad i'm here and i love what it's doing to me and i'm afraid to leave because i know what's waiting for me and it's so goddamned routine, it's the same thing i've been doing for years and i'm so fucking tired of it, i've never really wished to live some other person's life but i'm getting really close and i don't even like the thought of that. means, it's probably time to end.
i think i'm going driving.
i need to come clean,
i can't take all of this back with me.
too much.
anyway: summer. camp begins on monday, and i was worried about recovery but i've been sleeping well (for a change?) if lightly and i wonder about that, if maybe there's something in that strafford air to keep me unbalanced. it feels that way, sometimes: the cops always sit in the same places and the town shuts down at ten. i need something more than that. maybe just something else. regardless, camp begins on monday and it means a return to someone else's life: i haven't been that kid for three years, but we compromise for the sake of horses - one gray, one app, one bay, one paint, something else i don't remember. lol. - so i don't know why i'm fine with waiting, i can't explain why monday just doesn't need to come. my car, my time, my paycheck, my thighs and my ass and my aches and pains.. sounds just perfect, right? Julie and Brooke and Beth, all in the same place. Adam isn't coming back this year, and we haven't had anything to say to each other in months but i'm pretty sure he could have slid that one past me without my noticing, i'm too tired of that to want to ask. not even a big deal, it doesn't even matter. can you give up on someone so thoroughly that you just want them out of your life? if the answer is yes, it's happened to me. if the answer is no, i'm not sure what to say. The bay is supposed to be from last year, but i can't even remember which horses we had last year and that bothers me a little bit, in passing. maybe i've just run out of things to say. on second thought: i am excited, i want to remember how it feels to come home in the afternoon to heat and sunlight and cold showers to get rid of the smells of leather and sweat and dirt, to get rid of the dirt and the grease and horse hair. i can't wait to ache because my muscles have to relearn how to move, i can't wait to fall in love all over again and gripe and moan about how awful it is (there's always a look that gets passed around, after, as if to be sure that everyone's in on the joke: we adore that place) because no one is willing to help us out. i wonder if we'd take help, were it offered. something in me says no. that feels good.
but, until monday: moose mobile, and the way it's been spinning since i arrived, i've been spinning since i arrived. i'm leaving tomorrow, and i have a feeling that my return trip will not only be delayed by traffic; i'm in no hurry to get back. i'm kind of afraid that, when i do leave for college it will be something permanent, that i won't go back. i'm trying not to think about it; that wouldn't go over so well with my family. but then, i indulge in other things that they have opposed outright: sex, drugs, [rock'n'roll]. same old story, you know the one. oh, and: as soon as i get back, i'll be having dinner with the family of one of my brother's friends. afterwards, i'm supposed to call this boy and i don't want to, i'm not happy with this until he's around and what the hell is going on with me, these days? something casual to fill space, to push out lonliness. i'm trying not to whine, i promise. but i don't like this and i don't want it and i pretty much just decided that and telling him is going to be a bitch. fantastic. i think my hopes for camp are far too high. but i'm pretty sure i had a point to make: here, quiet western mass. town, brick buildings and people so friendly i don't know how to respond, until tomorrow morning. then car, 91 to 95 to 76 plus a few things, i'm forgetting a few in between but that'll do. then dinner, no comment. then home, a word i've avoided pretty carefully until now, and the beginning of something that i hope can keep me occupied until fall. meticulously planned out, eight weeks from now. it's enough to make me want to break something. i can't wait to get away from that place. i'm really glad i'm here and i love what it's doing to me and i'm afraid to leave because i know what's waiting for me and it's so goddamned routine, it's the same thing i've been doing for years and i'm so fucking tired of it, i've never really wished to live some other person's life but i'm getting really close and i don't even like the thought of that. means, it's probably time to end.
i think i'm going driving.
i need to come clean,
i can't take all of this back with me.
too much.