(no subject)
monday monday monday monday. fucking sucked, man.
camp, a recap:
you'll have to excuse my jargon, i kind of live for this. um. so, camp. brooke looks really good, i don't really get how you can fall so easily into conversation after being away from someone, without communication, for nine months. but it works. she has a boyfriend, and i laughed at her - i didn't realize until she didn't punch back that she's actually in love, this time. her roommate is from hawaii and that's laughable for no (good) reason and it makes me really want to hear about mine. beth seems sad, she seems distracted. her parents are moving, she's moving with them. she's trying to get away from john, i think; he scared me, the way he watched her, and she said he wants more than she wants to give. sounds familiar, if backwards. she's growing her hair out again and she's gained a little weight. being taller than she is still bothers me. we determined today that my best friend is almost ten years older than i am. she still acts like she's eight. adam was there. i couldn't figure out who of the counselors would touch me at all, let alone so familiarly, and i turned aroud and was actually disappointed. i realized after seeing him that i don't want him there, i don't want his particular influence on my summer. speaking of summer: rain. the good kind. the persistent, quiet kind, sans thunder/lightning/flooding. although we did get pretty close on the flooding part. five horses, almost uniform in height: small. one paint, one chestnut, one bay, two greys: one gray, one flea-bitten. interesting. surprise of my life, basically: the paint is the same mare that i fell so much in love with two years ago that i still have - and wear, on occasion - a bracelet made of hairs from her mane and tail: white/black/brown. she looks good, and that makes me feel so fucking good about this whole thing. i had reservations, and i still do, but it's easier now. all shod, at least up front.. i don't think any wore shoes in the back. the bay and the chestnut are ugly and i can't pin down just why. the bay is the only gelding, and he is so plain, so unremarkable. one sock, a star, black and brown. small face, very little expression. boring. he does what he wants. although, he reminds me of the kid who is so sure of himself around others, but pretty much breaks down and freaks out when left alone. not an actual kid, just experience. gross. i want to name him prince charming. the chestnut is a bitch. she's an ugly, leggy quarter horse with a square head, wide face, no white on her. losing a shoe already. desperate: agressive enough to buck at the gray and pin her ears at beth or chase the (paint) pony, but wuss enough to run from any sign of agression in the bay and any expression of interest on the part of the grey. speaking of; gorgeous. she shouldn't be, i don't know why i think she is, but oh. my. god. i'd kill for that. coloring to die for, no white. beautiful conformation, as far as i could tell. proportionate, which is always a plus. however, didn't display too much personality. bummer. i'm losing patience. the gray was old, possibly pregnant, and has cancer. all of that is bullshit, but we'll see how the summer goes. bullshit isn't always untrue. she seemed sweet. and the pony, i already know from two summers ago, and this is all for me even on the off chance that someone reads through, and i'll just end. she's wonderful, she's too small for me, but willing. spontaneous, charged. we'll see if either of us has changed. otherwise, no lessons today on account of rain, lots of it. as in, the horses were ankle-deep in water with mud up to their hocks. until they rolled. in the mud. pretty cool, tomorrow should be interesting. beth hasn't tried them yet, so we'll see how that ends up, too.
also under this particular heading: mud. my car got stuck, i got pushed out. note to self: this one is front wheel drive, don't foget that again asshole. kthx. two minivans, a pickup, and two SUVs got stuck. we pushed them out. because that's what the riding instructors do when it rains, duh. i mean, what the hell else are we good for but manual labor? i hope it doesn't stay this muggy. that'd be gross. um, also: new tarp, new feed cans, very large and very old tack, a -huge- snake skin, lots and lots of water. day one and: five bee stings, one lifegaurd rescue, four histerical first-timers, and the oldest girls group cliquefight/subtlehatewar has begun. tim is still chasing julie. eric still can't figure out walkie-talkies. harry still isn't on the counselor list. oh yeah, camp has begun. this promises a lot, but mostly it promises to be interesting.
that was long, i'll try not to do that again. after camp, i drove home real fast and showered real fast and dressed real fast and then kind of shrugged, made a sandwich, and sat down for a while. i don't owe work that much hurrying, so i thought i'd try and balance it out. i don't go in before five from now on. they kept me until ten thirty tonight. i'm in love with the jenday, and he was sold this weekend and i'll miss his crazy bullshit antics when he goes. a lot. who the hell gets attached to a bird? um.. well. somewhere between camp and work i got so upset at something that i was going to close down my livejournal, leave it hanging on a trip to south hadley three states away and forever ago that i honestly can't get out of my head. it would have been a good way to end, but i can't remember how i rationalized it, so i'll let it go. i've been feeling rather expansive, lately, and i don't know what that means. maybe i'm just pms'ing, or maybe ms'ing. currently? anxious agitated anticipatory bored exhausted uncomfortable edgey. actually, that's the one i was looking for: i'm edgey. i can't wait to get out of here.
for whatever reason, the wireless access to the internet that i used to be able to pick up in my room is no longer accesible from anywhere in my house, and this is not my idea of fun. i'm waiting. i want out. i.. well. i emptied my closet and all of my drawers and i'm going shopping tomrrow and friday, when i'm not working, for an entirely new wardrobe courtesy of all that money i didn't anticipate from the graduation party. i'm finishing thank you notes - there were almost a dozen new cards waiting for me when i got back - and slowly and meticulously going through everything in my room. there's a lot to get rid of. it's just deciding what i need or want that's the hard part, the throwing away is easy enough. when i leave, i want that room to go back to being a guest room, sterile and uncomfortable and quiet. i don't want it to be my room in my house, waiting for me to come back from college. i'm not coming back from college, not with any intentions of staying. never again.
this is getting far too long. i think expansive was the word i used, i feel expansive. better here than to someone who doesn't want to hear it online, though. none of this post was important, but: it's pretty good to throw it out there. my days are going to get busy and, when i can get what is happening out of my head like this, it makes it easier to see what is really going on.
what is really going on, here?
i know, but it's impossible to articulate.
i just want to be comfortable. easy and free.
i'm glad it's late, but i hate going to bed when i'm not tired. getting up early is no fun.
today i got to see and smell and touch horses.
tomorrow, if i'm lucky, i'll get to ride.
i think my heart's beating a little faster than it was.
i'm in love with something, but also a lot of somethings. i think that's what's called living.
camp, a recap:
you'll have to excuse my jargon, i kind of live for this. um. so, camp. brooke looks really good, i don't really get how you can fall so easily into conversation after being away from someone, without communication, for nine months. but it works. she has a boyfriend, and i laughed at her - i didn't realize until she didn't punch back that she's actually in love, this time. her roommate is from hawaii and that's laughable for no (good) reason and it makes me really want to hear about mine. beth seems sad, she seems distracted. her parents are moving, she's moving with them. she's trying to get away from john, i think; he scared me, the way he watched her, and she said he wants more than she wants to give. sounds familiar, if backwards. she's growing her hair out again and she's gained a little weight. being taller than she is still bothers me. we determined today that my best friend is almost ten years older than i am. she still acts like she's eight. adam was there. i couldn't figure out who of the counselors would touch me at all, let alone so familiarly, and i turned aroud and was actually disappointed. i realized after seeing him that i don't want him there, i don't want his particular influence on my summer. speaking of summer: rain. the good kind. the persistent, quiet kind, sans thunder/lightning/flooding. although we did get pretty close on the flooding part. five horses, almost uniform in height: small. one paint, one chestnut, one bay, two greys: one gray, one flea-bitten. interesting. surprise of my life, basically: the paint is the same mare that i fell so much in love with two years ago that i still have - and wear, on occasion - a bracelet made of hairs from her mane and tail: white/black/brown. she looks good, and that makes me feel so fucking good about this whole thing. i had reservations, and i still do, but it's easier now. all shod, at least up front.. i don't think any wore shoes in the back. the bay and the chestnut are ugly and i can't pin down just why. the bay is the only gelding, and he is so plain, so unremarkable. one sock, a star, black and brown. small face, very little expression. boring. he does what he wants. although, he reminds me of the kid who is so sure of himself around others, but pretty much breaks down and freaks out when left alone. not an actual kid, just experience. gross. i want to name him prince charming. the chestnut is a bitch. she's an ugly, leggy quarter horse with a square head, wide face, no white on her. losing a shoe already. desperate: agressive enough to buck at the gray and pin her ears at beth or chase the (paint) pony, but wuss enough to run from any sign of agression in the bay and any expression of interest on the part of the grey. speaking of; gorgeous. she shouldn't be, i don't know why i think she is, but oh. my. god. i'd kill for that. coloring to die for, no white. beautiful conformation, as far as i could tell. proportionate, which is always a plus. however, didn't display too much personality. bummer. i'm losing patience. the gray was old, possibly pregnant, and has cancer. all of that is bullshit, but we'll see how the summer goes. bullshit isn't always untrue. she seemed sweet. and the pony, i already know from two summers ago, and this is all for me even on the off chance that someone reads through, and i'll just end. she's wonderful, she's too small for me, but willing. spontaneous, charged. we'll see if either of us has changed. otherwise, no lessons today on account of rain, lots of it. as in, the horses were ankle-deep in water with mud up to their hocks. until they rolled. in the mud. pretty cool, tomorrow should be interesting. beth hasn't tried them yet, so we'll see how that ends up, too.
also under this particular heading: mud. my car got stuck, i got pushed out. note to self: this one is front wheel drive, don't foget that again asshole. kthx. two minivans, a pickup, and two SUVs got stuck. we pushed them out. because that's what the riding instructors do when it rains, duh. i mean, what the hell else are we good for but manual labor? i hope it doesn't stay this muggy. that'd be gross. um, also: new tarp, new feed cans, very large and very old tack, a -huge- snake skin, lots and lots of water. day one and: five bee stings, one lifegaurd rescue, four histerical first-timers, and the oldest girls group cliquefight/subtlehatewar has begun. tim is still chasing julie. eric still can't figure out walkie-talkies. harry still isn't on the counselor list. oh yeah, camp has begun. this promises a lot, but mostly it promises to be interesting.
that was long, i'll try not to do that again. after camp, i drove home real fast and showered real fast and dressed real fast and then kind of shrugged, made a sandwich, and sat down for a while. i don't owe work that much hurrying, so i thought i'd try and balance it out. i don't go in before five from now on. they kept me until ten thirty tonight. i'm in love with the jenday, and he was sold this weekend and i'll miss his crazy bullshit antics when he goes. a lot. who the hell gets attached to a bird? um.. well. somewhere between camp and work i got so upset at something that i was going to close down my livejournal, leave it hanging on a trip to south hadley three states away and forever ago that i honestly can't get out of my head. it would have been a good way to end, but i can't remember how i rationalized it, so i'll let it go. i've been feeling rather expansive, lately, and i don't know what that means. maybe i'm just pms'ing, or maybe ms'ing. currently? anxious agitated anticipatory bored exhausted uncomfortable edgey. actually, that's the one i was looking for: i'm edgey. i can't wait to get out of here.
for whatever reason, the wireless access to the internet that i used to be able to pick up in my room is no longer accesible from anywhere in my house, and this is not my idea of fun. i'm waiting. i want out. i.. well. i emptied my closet and all of my drawers and i'm going shopping tomrrow and friday, when i'm not working, for an entirely new wardrobe courtesy of all that money i didn't anticipate from the graduation party. i'm finishing thank you notes - there were almost a dozen new cards waiting for me when i got back - and slowly and meticulously going through everything in my room. there's a lot to get rid of. it's just deciding what i need or want that's the hard part, the throwing away is easy enough. when i leave, i want that room to go back to being a guest room, sterile and uncomfortable and quiet. i don't want it to be my room in my house, waiting for me to come back from college. i'm not coming back from college, not with any intentions of staying. never again.
this is getting far too long. i think expansive was the word i used, i feel expansive. better here than to someone who doesn't want to hear it online, though. none of this post was important, but: it's pretty good to throw it out there. my days are going to get busy and, when i can get what is happening out of my head like this, it makes it easier to see what is really going on.
what is really going on, here?
i know, but it's impossible to articulate.
i just want to be comfortable. easy and free.
i'm glad it's late, but i hate going to bed when i'm not tired. getting up early is no fun.
today i got to see and smell and touch horses.
tomorrow, if i'm lucky, i'll get to ride.
i think my heart's beating a little faster than it was.
i'm in love with something, but also a lot of somethings. i think that's what's called living.