(no subject)
huge sigh: clear the head. this is the first night i've stayed up late in quite a while and i miss it, i miss pretending to be nocturnal, i miss going to bed at four thirty just because that's just before the sun comes up (and who wants to go to bed with light crowding the corners of your room?) and getting up whenever, doing what needs to be done in my own time. i miss that. i miss being able to see two and three and four weeks down the road, ahead and above and beyond here and now. instead.. well. instead, i get what i get, i guess. things at camp are improving, slowly. beth has poison ivy all over her left arm, her back, her side, her face.. doped up on benadryl, she was adorably rediculous and i pretty much just wanted to hug her but that was pretty dangerous, given the circumstances. i spent today with Katelyn - the high school sophomore who has known my name and life story since day one even though i swear to god i don't know her and didn't know her and can't remember her face or her story - and two four year-old boys who were pretty much adorable. i don't particularly want to do it again, but it wasn't awful. over the weekend, fencing was sunk and wire repaired, logs and tangles and trash dragged away or out of sight. we're ready to bring those horses back, but what new disasters will jump up to meet them, i wonder? ..i wonder.
brooke is away this week - that was important, but i've fallen off of whatever other train of thought i had. derailed, as it were. really this is a brief lull in the action, "the calm before the storm" (or it would be, if we were entertaining weather jokes.. which we are most certainly not, thx.) that is work from 8 in the morning until 10.30 at night for as long as i can tell, except tuesdays if i stay lucky. i'm not holding my breath, i'm trying not to maintain hope for anything except this weekend, when i may be hosting a guest. hopefully things work out. i should probably consider cleaning my room. but while we're considering probabilities: fair weather, my camp job, days off, sufficient sleep, adequate patience, building monetary funds (successfully), these - plus a few - are the things that will keep me occupied for the next few days or weeks. i'm hoping it's days; brooke comes back next week, and then things should settle in again. i didn't realize that i need her around, but she keeps things easy. i wish i had another word. i wish i had a little more time, i wish i could sit back and breathe and realize how far i've come or how much i've opened up and given up, how much i've stepped back from myself in the past few months. i'd like to take an unbiased, third-party glance at what matters to me now versus then and the ways in which my sense of urgency has changed. it is absolutely time to go to bed. here's to keeping chins up high, correcting poor posture, and taking a little time out to watch thunderstorms roll in. I'm real real glad it's summertime.
brooke is away this week - that was important, but i've fallen off of whatever other train of thought i had. derailed, as it were. really this is a brief lull in the action, "the calm before the storm" (or it would be, if we were entertaining weather jokes.. which we are most certainly not, thx.) that is work from 8 in the morning until 10.30 at night for as long as i can tell, except tuesdays if i stay lucky. i'm not holding my breath, i'm trying not to maintain hope for anything except this weekend, when i may be hosting a guest. hopefully things work out. i should probably consider cleaning my room. but while we're considering probabilities: fair weather, my camp job, days off, sufficient sleep, adequate patience, building monetary funds (successfully), these - plus a few - are the things that will keep me occupied for the next few days or weeks. i'm hoping it's days; brooke comes back next week, and then things should settle in again. i didn't realize that i need her around, but she keeps things easy. i wish i had another word. i wish i had a little more time, i wish i could sit back and breathe and realize how far i've come or how much i've opened up and given up, how much i've stepped back from myself in the past few months. i'd like to take an unbiased, third-party glance at what matters to me now versus then and the ways in which my sense of urgency has changed. it is absolutely time to go to bed. here's to keeping chins up high, correcting poor posture, and taking a little time out to watch thunderstorms roll in. I'm real real glad it's summertime.