Journal Entry not to just friends....
Anyone is welcome to comment..Say whatever u want please....
So tonight I finally got up enough courage to watch the butterfly effect. I knew from the previews I saw of it last year that it would get my memory goin and get it all jumbled up, so i refused to see it. I finally saw it and thought it was the most fucked up movie i have ever seen. No one has a perfect life, but sometimes in our minds we trace our lives and look at them and think the what ifs...ok so let's start out at the beginning...
End of freshmen year my parents decided they wanted to do a nice family vacation for a change. I looked into Paradise Island and my parents looked into California. I had never been to either, but the Bahamas seemed so much cooler. Well our trip ended up being a Cruise. Well i met the most perfect guy, Mike. He and I hit it off really well and became great friends. Only one problem, he had a girlfriend that he loved very much and cared a lot about. At one point Mike was moving from VA to MA, but then his family didn't. What if Mike didn't have a gf and had moved to Mass where he said he would have been visitin me every weekend...where would that have taken my life. What if my parents had decided to go to California..i would never have met Mike....or Justin, but we'll get into that later..
Track camp at the end of the summer...I met a different justin and we hit it off great and ended up dating for about 6 months...what if I had gone to the gymnastics camp I was supposed to go to.. I would never have met him and we would never have dated..how would that effect my life.....
Following summer we took another cruise and I met Justin..the one i was talkin about before. How strange is that, that someone who lives 15 mins from you just happens to be on the same cruise as u..kinda freaky, but if my parents had taken us to California, we would never have taken the first cruise, so there wouldn't be a second cruise..I would have never met justin in the first place...He and I dated for a while and then had this funky thing goin on and then things turned bad and then they were good again and then they were just plain ugly. But see without him i would prolly be dead right now..all of those nights i was really upset, he helped me more than I could ever imagine, but I wouldn't even know him if it wasn't for the cruise. Where would my life be right now if i had never met him? He's has been a part of my life for a long time now that I don't even know...
Then there is College....What if i hadn't chosen WNEC and gone to Roger Williams which was my other choice. I wouldn't have met Dan, or Bobby, or Tim..I wouldn't be in the situation I am now with certain things. I wouldn't know Julie either who is my best friend at school. Just so many things that could have happened.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change things..like what happened with justin and I....sometimes I wish we had never broken up because he made me happy, but i can't go back and change things like that. I can't go back and not left last weekend to go home with jason so Tim would never have met that girl and also what would be even better than that is fixin my situation with somethin so I could be with Tim. I know this entry makes no sense whatso ver, but i learned i have to rant once in a while or else then i think about things and put bad thoughts in my head and thats not what I want....
The other half of this is that I don't think that I should have come home this weekend. Or on the other side I don't think I should have gone out with Justin last night. Some things just need to be left alone and him and I hangin out just wasn't right. I like justin..i liked him before and will always like him, but thats not the point. The point is that us hangin out last night brought back way too many memories. Going past certain places and talkin about certain things, which I know is half my fault, it just felt so normal again. It felt too much like old times, like they had never changed in the first place and thats what bothers me. It bothers me cuz its not me who he cares so deeply for. Its someone else, and it always has been this someone else and deep down I always wished i could change that, but thats not somethin I have control over...I can't control someone else's feelins...I think thats what is botherin me is that the whole time last night i know he wished it was her that he was with and not me, but it's alright because its not somethin i can physically control. And you know what's funny, it still goes along with what i previously had thought about my life. If seems that anytime a guy has broken up with me, it has been for another girl. First Justin that's how we ended. Second justin that's how we ended. Tim ditched me for another girl. But im tryin to let it all go. I have a lot more thinkin to do with this and make a final decision about it, but sometimes i feel like what i am goin to have to do is cut myself off from all of these people and start over. Forget about the past and just be the sweetheart Katie aka Flip that I used to be.....