How to be This Messed Up (in 12 easy steps)
Yes, in 12 E-Z Steps, you too can become a lost and confused mess, just like this young lady. Simply follow my 12-step program to utter confusion and attempted self-discovery. I know you won't be disappointed!
1) Graduate from High School. Beam proudly that you will never have to come back here again. Scoff at blubbering bitches in the back row, crying because they are going to miss this sooooo much. Go to after grad party with your friends (none of which are from that town, nor have graduated from high School). Get Drunk. Have three boys propose to you. Avoid answering. Go Home.
2) Spend all of Summer 1996 getting drunk, high and hanging out. Get a shitty job as a short order cook and waitress for extra cash. Hate Boss. Get in a fight with boyfriends roommate over him killing your boyfriend's kitten and him stealing your camera to pawn for drugs. Kick some ass (Ex-marine, my ass - Eat my fist , BITCH!). Move boyfriend into shitty studio apartment with your money. Purchase a Volkswagen Super Beetle to refurb.
3) Return to college for fall semester, this time not as a special "Hey, I'm really in high school - I'm just taking college courses at the same time" student, but as a real college freshman. Be glad you took all those college math and electives courses while still in high school. Be forced into purchasing a 1993 Ford Tempo as you have no car to get from home to school (30 miles) by mother. Quit job as short order cook. Take job as retail sales girl for J.C.Penney's. Become known as girl with Pink Hair. Hate Boss. Find out you're only seasonal help, although you were told you were a permanent hire.
4) Start second semester of college. Be in a crippling car accident on your way to class one morning. Be told that you can either spend weeks in a body cast and probably never walk again or you can sign this waiver and be moved to a Kansas City Hospital, where this genius will tape his trademark procedure and have his students watch as he performs his experimental surgery. Spend weeks in Truman Med Center recovering from afore mentioned surgery. Be forced to return to Truman Med Center when your arm rebreaks. Spend months in a hospital bed in your mother's living room. Spend months in a wheel chair. Teach yourself to walk again. Learn how to function with one arm. Hate your Life. Have left arm anterior nerves spontaneously regenerate. Feel better about life.
5) Return to school. Have instructor trip over your cane. Feel embarrassed. Never use cane again. Move in with boyfriend in new one bedroom apartment.
6) Continue with school. Move to trailer so boyfriend can have dog. Have promise made that you won't have to live there long. Hate Life. Hate Boyfriend.
7) Continue in school. Continue in trailer. Start job at local newspaper as obituary writer. Cover weekend obituaries, cop briefs, crap, etc. Hate job. Hate life.
8) Put boyfriend through "Trucker Day Camp." Meet new boy. Leave old boy. Move into one bedroom duplex. New boy moves in almost immediately. Continue in school. Continue at paper.
9) Quit paper. Get job as multimedia designer. Continue in school. Receive nice job offers from all over the world. Consider two, one in Florida and one in Boston. Decide on the one from Boston. Give notice to current employer. Get call from Boston saying they had to lay off a bunch of people and that the offer was no longer open. Graduate from college. Get email from Florida that they have already hired for position since you had refused. When queried, other job offers say similar things.
10) Get depressed. Move to KC with fiance. Look for work. Keep getting rejection letters (250 in all). Apply for job at H&H Color Lab, Raytown, MO, the same day that the 9/11 bombings take place. Get hired by H&H as a digital artist / retoucher. Work seven 13-hour days / week while planning wedding. Hate job. Hate fiance. Hate family. Hate self. Get married in December 2001.
11) Take job at Farmland Industries, even though you have no experience. Stress about job. Learn printing procedure and prepress work fast. Get moved into Assistant Head position. Put in charge of making new hires. Take over department on boss' absence. Hate job. Hate boss. Hate Self.
12) Call in sick 5 days in a row. Write in LiveJournal. Rip up old carpet in hallway, living room and dining room. Long to go back to school. Hate Life. Hate Job, Hate Self. Realize that "I want to be a scholar. I want to learn everything. I want to travel. I want to live somewhere exciting. I don't really want a job, I just want to be. I guess I want to be independently wealthy as I don't see how it's possible to do these things otherwise!" Accept that this is not possible. Continue with floor. Post LiveJournal entry.
1) Graduate from High School. Beam proudly that you will never have to come back here again. Scoff at blubbering bitches in the back row, crying because they are going to miss this sooooo much. Go to after grad party with your friends (none of which are from that town, nor have graduated from high School). Get Drunk. Have three boys propose to you. Avoid answering. Go Home.
2) Spend all of Summer 1996 getting drunk, high and hanging out. Get a shitty job as a short order cook and waitress for extra cash. Hate Boss. Get in a fight with boyfriends roommate over him killing your boyfriend's kitten and him stealing your camera to pawn for drugs. Kick some ass (Ex-marine, my ass - Eat my fist , BITCH!). Move boyfriend into shitty studio apartment with your money. Purchase a Volkswagen Super Beetle to refurb.
3) Return to college for fall semester, this time not as a special "Hey, I'm really in high school - I'm just taking college courses at the same time" student, but as a real college freshman. Be glad you took all those college math and electives courses while still in high school. Be forced into purchasing a 1993 Ford Tempo as you have no car to get from home to school (30 miles) by mother. Quit job as short order cook. Take job as retail sales girl for J.C.Penney's. Become known as girl with Pink Hair. Hate Boss. Find out you're only seasonal help, although you were told you were a permanent hire.
4) Start second semester of college. Be in a crippling car accident on your way to class one morning. Be told that you can either spend weeks in a body cast and probably never walk again or you can sign this waiver and be moved to a Kansas City Hospital, where this genius will tape his trademark procedure and have his students watch as he performs his experimental surgery. Spend weeks in Truman Med Center recovering from afore mentioned surgery. Be forced to return to Truman Med Center when your arm rebreaks. Spend months in a hospital bed in your mother's living room. Spend months in a wheel chair. Teach yourself to walk again. Learn how to function with one arm. Hate your Life. Have left arm anterior nerves spontaneously regenerate. Feel better about life.
5) Return to school. Have instructor trip over your cane. Feel embarrassed. Never use cane again. Move in with boyfriend in new one bedroom apartment.
6) Continue with school. Move to trailer so boyfriend can have dog. Have promise made that you won't have to live there long. Hate Life. Hate Boyfriend.
7) Continue in school. Continue in trailer. Start job at local newspaper as obituary writer. Cover weekend obituaries, cop briefs, crap, etc. Hate job. Hate life.
8) Put boyfriend through "Trucker Day Camp." Meet new boy. Leave old boy. Move into one bedroom duplex. New boy moves in almost immediately. Continue in school. Continue at paper.
9) Quit paper. Get job as multimedia designer. Continue in school. Receive nice job offers from all over the world. Consider two, one in Florida and one in Boston. Decide on the one from Boston. Give notice to current employer. Get call from Boston saying they had to lay off a bunch of people and that the offer was no longer open. Graduate from college. Get email from Florida that they have already hired for position since you had refused. When queried, other job offers say similar things.
10) Get depressed. Move to KC with fiance. Look for work. Keep getting rejection letters (250 in all). Apply for job at H&H Color Lab, Raytown, MO, the same day that the 9/11 bombings take place. Get hired by H&H as a digital artist / retoucher. Work seven 13-hour days / week while planning wedding. Hate job. Hate fiance. Hate family. Hate self. Get married in December 2001.
11) Take job at Farmland Industries, even though you have no experience. Stress about job. Learn printing procedure and prepress work fast. Get moved into Assistant Head position. Put in charge of making new hires. Take over department on boss' absence. Hate job. Hate boss. Hate Self.
12) Call in sick 5 days in a row. Write in LiveJournal. Rip up old carpet in hallway, living room and dining room. Long to go back to school. Hate Life. Hate Job, Hate Self. Realize that "I want to be a scholar. I want to learn everything. I want to travel. I want to live somewhere exciting. I don't really want a job, I just want to be. I guess I want to be independently wealthy as I don't see how it's possible to do these things otherwise!" Accept that this is not possible. Continue with floor. Post LiveJournal entry.