(fic)
꼭 깨져봐야 아픈 줄 알지
(you only find out that it hurts after it's already broken.)
sunggyu, dongwoo and woohyun in every permutation | nc-17 | part 6 of 9
Between the two of them, they get Dongwoo into the house and lay him out on the couch so Sungjong can look at his injuries. "What happened?" Sungjong asks, aghast, kneeling at the side of the couch. "It looks like someone broke a bottle over his head!"
Woohyun looks down at his feet. "Actually," he says, quietly, "that's exactly what happened."
Sungjong looks up at him, his gaze sharp, poised to say something scathing and probably entirely true. But there must be something in Woohyun's face that gives him pause, because in the end, Sungjong just sighs and says, "Okay. What else do I need to look at, particularly?"
"Most of the blood isn't his," Woohyun says. He's tired, he's so goddamn tired. His body is lead weight, dragging him down. "The head wound is the only big one. Everything else is bumps and bruises." No one had had time to land anything on him, Woohyun thinks, a little bitterly. He'd given more injuries than he'd taken.
"And on you two?" Sungjong asks.
"Hyung has a cut on his arm, it'll probably need stitches," Woohyun says. "It's not bleeding, at least not actively."
From where he's lying on the floor, Sunggyu stirs a little, picking his head up. "I'm all right," he says. "Getting my strength back."
"Are you tired?" Sungjong asks. "Dizzy? Woozy?"
"I'm always tired," Sunggyu says. "I'm a little dizzy. Woozy is probably a better way to describe it."
"You've lost blood." A gesture to Woohyun, towards the kitchen. "Hyung, get him some water, please. Sunggyu hyung, just lay there. Don't exert yourself, or you might pass out."
When Woohyun returns with the water, he spends a moment just watching Sungjong, watching the efficiency with which he moves. He cleans up Dongwoo's head wound in what feels like moments, without flinching, just doing what he knows how to do-and it occurs to Woohyun, not for the first time, that they undervalue Sungjong so much it's laughable. He's so valuable to them, and they treat him like a child until they need him. "Sungjongie," Woohyun says, crouching to hand the water to Sunggyu. "You're amazing, you know that?"
Sungjong looks up at him, his eyes wide. "Hyung?" he says. "Did you get hit in the head?"
It should be funny, because Sungjong looks almost comically surprised, but instead it just makes Woohyun unbearably sad. "No," he says, shaking his head. "I just think I should appreciate you more."
After a moment of just watching, Sungjong flushes slightly and shrugs, turning back to Dongwoo. "Okay," he says. "Can you help Sunggyu hyung sit up?"
Woohyun props Sunggyu up against the chair, then sits down next to him, absently brushing Sunggyu's hair back from his forehead. "Don't think I'm going to forget about what you said," Sunggyu says after a moment, his eyes falling closed. "Back in that alley."
"I said a lot of things, hyung," Woohyun says. "You shouldn't listen to all of them."
"You have to know it's not your fault."
It's the last thing that Woohyun wants to hear. "Don't, hyung," he says, scooting back away from Sunggyu. "It is my fault, okay? I pushed it, I pushed for him to go even though you said it was a bad idea. I was hasty and impulsive and now everything is fucked up again, so don't tell me it's not my fault, okay?"
"You pushed because you thought it was safe," Sunggyu argues. His voice is a little weak-blood loss, Woohyun thinks-but his eyes are hard, unrelenting. "You had no way of knowing how it would turn out."
"Like we haven't had proof these last few months?" Woohyun knows he's snapping, but he can't help it. "Like he hasn't tried to bite one of our heads off every time we make loud noises or startle him or touch him without telling him first? I had every way of knowing how it would turn out."
"Woohyun-"
"Can you both just shut up?" Sungjong snaps, setting his case down into the space between them. "No one cares whose fault it is. You're both such martyrs sometimes-always looking to blame yourself even when there's not even a blame to be assigned. What happened happened, deciding whether it's Woohyun hyung's fault or Sunggyu hyung's fault isn't going to undo it. Just sit down and let me do my job."
They both fall into a stunned silence, watching Sungjong as he shakes his head, sighs, and starts to tend to Sunggyu's wound. And they stay quiet for a long moment, even as Sunggyu hisses when the disinfectant stings, until Sungjong is stitching the cut with quiet, precise movements.
"I just," Sunggyu says, then clenches his teeth against the pain. "I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time."
Woohyun drags his gaze up from where he'd been staring at the floor, meeting Sunggyu's eyes. He knows he must look stunned, because he is-he'd always thought Sunggyu had a plan. For someone who liked control as much as Sunggyu, being out of control was unthinkable. "You seem like you do," Woohyun says, weakly.
"I pretend," Sunggyu says. "I fake it until I make it. And sometimes I do come up with a plan. Most of the time I do, but this time I have nothing."
When it comes down it, Woohyun doesn't blame him. It's not like they have anything to base this on. What do you do when your best friend, or your lover, becomes a shadow of the person they used to be in a way that you have no hope of fixing? What backup plan is there for a case like that?
"I'm trying to help, where I can," Woohyun says. "I don't know if it's working."
Sunggyu exhales sharply, and Sungjong makes an apologetic sound. "Is that anesthetized?" Woohyun asks, gesturing to his arm, and Sunggyu shakes his head. "You're insane, hyung."
"We don't have that much left," Sunggyu says, clenching his teeth again. "It's fine. Woohyun, how can you possibly not know how much you're helping? You have no idea how much I lean on you. You don't even notice, do you?"
If anything, it seems like Woohyun's the one who leans on Sunggyu. "I don't notice," Woohyun says. "I've never noticed."
Sunggyu smiles, a genuine expression even as it's tinged with pain. "You're a little ridiculous, you know," he says, reaching out to pat Woohyun's knee. He leaves his hand there, warm and solid through the fabric of Woohyun's pants. "I don't know what I would do without you."
"You'd probably be fine," Woohyun says, shrugging. "You were fine before me, weren't you?"
"Before you?" Sunggyu sounds surprised. "Before you, Jaehyun hyung took care of everything. For me as a leader, there is no 'before you'."
Woohyun wants to say something, but he can't quite find the words. There was no 'before him' for Sunggyu? It seems ludicrous, almost silly, and he wants to laugh, but he also wants to cry-thankfully, Sungjong saves him from doing either by tying off the thread and sitting back on his heels. "There," he says. "I'll bandage you and you'll be fine. Woohyun hyung-"
"I don't need anything," Woohyun says, although the cut on his arm aches and he knows his face must look terrible. "It's just bumps and bruises."
Sungjong gives him a look, as though he's assessing the truth of Woohyun's statement, and then nods. "Drink water and go to sleep," he says. "Those are my official recommendations. Don't wake up early tomorrow-either of you. Just sleep. We can make breakfast by ourselves for one morning."
Woohyun laughs, the sound raw in his throat. "You're a good kid, Sungjongie," he says, resting his hand briefly on Sungjong's shoulder. "Put Sungyeol in charge of breakfast. Hoya will just burn everything."
In bed, Woohyun stares at the ceiling and completely fails not to think about it. He's spent so long thinking he's not good enough, that he's second best-if that, and never deserving of being Sunggyu's right hand-but lately it seems that all anyone wants to do is tell him otherwise. Woohyun doesn't know what to do with this, with Sunggyu and Dongwoo's newfound insistence that his presence has meaning-that he's important, that they rely on him in a way they don't rely on anyone else. It's strange, because Woohyun had never considered the idea-he'd never, before this very moment, considered that he might be a support for the two of them, that he might be the fulcrum to their lever.
And in some ways, Woohyun doesn't want to think that way. It's one more change, one more thing he can't quite adapt to. It's not entirely bad, but Woohyun wishes some things, at least, would stay the same.
Sunggyu grabs his arm and shakes him awake, and it's the searing pain from the cut on Woohyun's arm that drags him out of unconsciousness. He swears and sits up, shaking Sunggyu's hand off-"What, hyung?" he demands, staring Sunggyu down. "This better be good-"
"Dongwoo's gone," Sunggyu says. "Again. Sungyeol too."
If it were anyone else, Woohyun would think it was a joke-a horribly unfunny joke, certainly, but a joke nonetheless. But it's Sunggyu, and Woohyun can read the set of his jaw and the line between his brows as clearly as any sign. "Again?" he repeats, his voice a little hollow. "Any idea where? Did it-did he leave-"
"Damage? No," Sunggyu says. He sits on the edge of Woohyun's bed and cradles his hands in his lap. He's trembling, and Woohyun wants to reach out and pull him close, but he thinks that Sunggyu would just fall apart. "No note, either, if that was your next question. He's just gone."
"But Sungyeol's gone, too," Woohyun confirms. He's trying to make sense of it in his head, trying to come up with scenarios that don't end in blood. "Maybe they went out together."
"Tell me you can think of a way that this ends that isn't awful," Sunggyu says. He looks up at Woohyun and his expression is brutal, cuts Woohyun to the quick with how devastated he looks. After all this time, the sum of Sunggyu's infinite love for Dongwoo makes Woohyun feel miniscule. "A single way that this could end, Woohyun."
Woohyun meets Sunggyu's gaze and racks his brain for something, anything he could suggest as an alternative to what he knows they're both imagining. "Sungyeol doesn't know what happened last night and Dongwoo hyung doesn't remember," he says slowly, weighing the words even as he says them. "So they went out together to do-something. An errand. Dongwoo hyung said he wanted to drive the bike-"
"And the likelihood of that being the case?" Sunggyu says.
"Low," Woohyun replies. "You asked me for a scenario, hyung. You didn't ask for a plausible one."
Sunggyu falls silent, and Woohyun studies his profile. His lashes are dark, casting shadows over his face, and Woohyun marvels that there was ever a time when he couldn't read Sunggyu, when he'd thought Sunggyu was enigmatic. Like this, in the early morning light, it seems like every one of Sunggyu's thoughts is written on his skin for Woohyun to read, all of his fears and worry and hurt and love. Sunggyu is an open book, to Woohyun.
"Hyung," he says, the beginning of something-a promise, or a plea.
From the entryway, Sungyeol's voice: "Did anyone even bother leaving breakfast for me?" he demands, loud and impatient and playful.
Sunggyu looks up and meets Woohyun's eyes, and for a split second they're frozen-and then they're both in motion, tumbling out of Woohyun's bed and spilling into the hallway. "You left with Dongwoo?" Sunggyu demands, his hand already closing around Sungyeol's wrist before Woohyun has even made it into the kitchen proper. "Where is he?"
"Hyung-" Sungyeol says, his shocked expression quickly giving way to a grimace. "That hurts, hyung, cut it out-"
"Where is he," Sunggyu repeats, all steel the way he is when he's terrified or angry. Woohyun comes up behind him and curls his fingers around the back of Sunggyu's neck, a gentle but firm presence.
"You're hurting him, hyung," he says, softly.
Sunggyu looks at him, then at Sungyeol, and then releases Sungyeol's wrist like it burns him. "I'm sorry," he says, taking a deep shuddery breath. "Sungyeol-ah-sorry. I'm a little high strung right now."
"So I can see," Sungyeol says, rubbing his wrist where Sunggyu's fingers had dug into his skin. "I took him out, because he asked me to. He went to go see Key, out with Seohyun's girls. I wanted to wake you up and tell you where we were going, but hyung told me not to, and I'm kinda at the point where I'm not sure I want to test hyung's patience if you know what I mean."
"To see Key?" Woohyun repeats. That doesn't make sense, to him-Dongwoo and Key have never been close, not really, and the last thing Dongwoo needs right now is a prostitute, so Woohyun searches through the options and comes up totally blank. "What for?"
"Why would I know?" Sungyeol looks like he doesn't know how to react to any of this. "Sometimes I think that the less I know about what you do, the better."
A part of Woohyun wants to protest-that it's not fair, that Sungyeol shouldn't be so flippant about things that matter so obviously. But then again, he thinks, Sungyeol is yet another member of their team who is taken for granted in all things. They treat Sungyeol as their messenger, their retriever, their courier, but no one-much less Sunggyu-ever really explains to him what's going on. And Sungyeol is still here, out of love or duty or something else entirely. So maybe it is perfectly fair, after all.
Sunggyu takes a deep breath, grinds his teeth, exhales. Some of the tension ebbs out of him-Woohyun can feel it leave the muscles under his fingertips. "You're right," he says, his voice soft. With all the fire and steel gone, Sunggyu seems very small. "Of course. I'm sorry I-" He gestures at Sungyeol's wrist, at the red marks that will undoubtedly be bruises later.
"It's fine," Sungyeol says. He smiles a little, always too forgiving. "I'd tell you if I knew, hyung."
"I know." With a nod, Sunggyu pulls away and sits heavily on the edge of the couch. He scrubs his hands through his hair, frenetic energy, and Woohyun thinks he's never seen Sunggyu look this wrong before. "Woohyun-if he's not back in an hour, go get him."
As always. "Of course," Woohyun says. He wants to reach out and touch Sunggyu, press his fingers against the pulse in Sunggyu's throat and remind himself that Sunggyu is still alive-but he doesn't have that right, and so he stays where he is, leaning against the back of the couch and staring at the tense line of Sunggyu's back.
Beside him, Sungyeol shifts restlessly. "I'm going to go out," he finally says, clearly uncomfortable-Woohyun can't really blame him. "Just for a ride. I'll be back soon."
"Sure," Sunggyu says. "Be safe."
"I always am," Sungyeol says, and with that he's gone.
Forty-five minutes later, Dongwoo comes through the door with Key close behind him. Sunggyu hasn't moved from his place on the couch, but the instant the latch turns, it's like his whole body angles towards Dongwoo-before Dongwoo is even in the room, and Sunggyu can tell he's there. Woohyun wonders what it's like to be that attuned to someone, wonders if that's something they worked at or if it was just there.
"I should kick your ass," is the first thing Sunggyu says to Dongwoo. His jaw is tense and set, but his whole body is radiating relief like heat waves. "For leaving like that, not telling anyone where you were going."
Dongwoo smiles. There's a hint of apology there, but not much, because Dongwoo knows how to see through Sunggyu's anger into the relief underneath it. "If there's any safer place for me to be than here, it's with Seohyun," he says, offering his palms up in a placating gesture. "Have you seen the security out there? Taecyeon's bicep is like the size of your leg."
Key coughs, hiding a laugh. "That's true," he points out. "I think Taecyeon could hold him down with one hand."
Woohyun watches the brief struggle in Sunggyu where irritation with Key and relief at Dongwoo war. In the end, relief wins out, and Sunggyu relaxes a little against the back of the couch, some of the tension sliding out of his features. "I'm not going to ask why you went," he says, though his tone says he'd certainly like to know. "You can tell me if you want to."
Dongwoo hesitates for a moment, then crosses the room to sit on the couch next to Sunggyu. From his position against the wall, Woohyun watches the way their bodies orient towards each other. Symbiosis. "Actually, about that," Dongwoo says, and a new thread of tension works its way through Sunggyu's body. "I went to Key to ask for help. With this whole… going crazy and tearing people's throats out thing."
Key makes a face, which Woohyun finds a little amusing, considering what he knows about Key's life before Seohyun. "He didn't come to me because he doesn't trust you," Key says, taking a seat on the arm of the couch. "Just so that's clear."
It's painfully obvious that Sunggyu doesn't believe him, but he nods anyway, glancing between the two of them. "Accepted," he agrees. Woohyun barely notices the way he links his pinky finger with Dongwoo's. "Then why?"
"Because I'm in the unique position of having a lot of blackmail material over a lot of really rich, really important people," Key says. He worries his lower lip with his teeth. It's funny-he says it like a fact, not like he's bragging. Like it's just any other job. Tinker, tailor, soldier, prostitute. "And I have a lot of men in influential positions who would do anything to get my undivided attention."
Woohyun thinks he knows where this is going.
"So you went to Key to see if he can-what, hook you up with something?" Sunggyu says. Woohyun can see the wheels turning in his head, putting the pieces together. Sunggyu has always been bright. "How many of these people are neurosurgeons, Key?"
"Four," Key says. "But only one of them is a neurosurgeon employed by the city."
Everyone goes silent for a moment, letting those implications sink in. "So you went to Key to have him put you in contact with someone who might be able to open your skull and fix you," Sunggyu says. For once, Woohyun can't read his tone-he just sounds detached, quiet. "And he agreed to do this? It's a sure thing?"
"He's on board," Key says. He flicks his gaze between Sunggyu's face and Dongwoo's, studying each of them. "As long as Dongwoo hyung is on board."
"This is why you left without telling me, isn't it?" Sunggyu says. Finally, Woohyun pinpoints the curious tone of his voice-fear, betrayal, worry. A potent combination. They're used to fear and worry, but betrayal is new. "Because you knew if you asked me I would say no. It's not like you have a great track record with people doing things to your brain, Dongwoo-"
"Enough," Woohyun says, sharp when he sees a flash of hurt cross Dongwoo's face. "There are some things you can't take back."
Dongwoo and Sunggyu both look up at him, thankful and startled respectively-like Sunggyu had forgotten he was even in the room. Status quo. "Don't do anything you'll regret," Woohyun says, holding Sunggyu's gaze until Sunggyu looks away.
"I don't want you to get hurt," Sunggyu says, after an extended, tense silence. "Getting you back the first time was a miracle. I don't want to have to hope for another."
It cuts Dongwoo to the quick, Woohyun can tell. But there's something else there, determination that has been hard to come by in the fever and the delirium of the last few months-Dongwoo can be giving, has to be in order to love Sunggyu the way he does, but he can be stubborn too, and Woohyun can tell that he isn't going to back down on this.
"I know," Dongwoo says. He takes Sunggyu's hand, properly, lacing their fingers together. "But if we don't try-then what? Then I'll spend the rest of my life staying inside, being protected and sometimes restrained? I can't do that, Gyu. I'd rather die."
That's when Woohyun takes his leave of the room.
He knows where this is going. Dongwoo will be the rock, and Sunggyu will be the wave that tries to wear him down, but it won't work, and in the end Sunggyu will sigh and tell Dongwoo that if it's what he wants, Sunggyu will help however he can. And he'll smile, but he won't really mean it, and tonight they'll retreat to their room and they'll spend the night trying to climb into each others' skins. Woohyun knows how this goes.
He sits on the edge of his bed and puts his head in his hands. He's trembling, he realizes, tremors in his hands and deeper, inside him, like his whole body is about to fall apart. In the face of Sunggyu's fear his own had seemed insignificant, but now that he's alone-now that there's nothing but Woohyun's thoughts to distract him-it's all he can think about. Fear, the terror that it will go wrong, that they'll be betrayed, that Dongwoo will die, or worse, be rebooted successfully. And they'll lose him, and in the wake of that they'll lose Sunggyu too, because he won't be able to handle it-because no one holds Sunggyu together the way that Dongwoo does, no one can tame him the way Dongwoo has. Dongwoo has tamed him and so Dongwoo is responsible.
Woohyun realizes he's breathing a little too hard, and struggles to calm himself, laying back on his bed and taking deep breaths until the world stops swimming. "It's going to be fine," he says aloud, like maybe the verbal confirmation will make it true.
Again. "It's going to be fine."
Again. "It's going to be fine."
No matter how many times he says it, Woohyun can't find it in himself to totally believe.
part five | part six | part seven
note (to self): Stop promising you'll update every day. You won't!
(you only find out that it hurts after it's already broken.)
sunggyu, dongwoo and woohyun in every permutation | nc-17 | part 6 of 9
Between the two of them, they get Dongwoo into the house and lay him out on the couch so Sungjong can look at his injuries. "What happened?" Sungjong asks, aghast, kneeling at the side of the couch. "It looks like someone broke a bottle over his head!"
Woohyun looks down at his feet. "Actually," he says, quietly, "that's exactly what happened."
Sungjong looks up at him, his gaze sharp, poised to say something scathing and probably entirely true. But there must be something in Woohyun's face that gives him pause, because in the end, Sungjong just sighs and says, "Okay. What else do I need to look at, particularly?"
"Most of the blood isn't his," Woohyun says. He's tired, he's so goddamn tired. His body is lead weight, dragging him down. "The head wound is the only big one. Everything else is bumps and bruises." No one had had time to land anything on him, Woohyun thinks, a little bitterly. He'd given more injuries than he'd taken.
"And on you two?" Sungjong asks.
"Hyung has a cut on his arm, it'll probably need stitches," Woohyun says. "It's not bleeding, at least not actively."
From where he's lying on the floor, Sunggyu stirs a little, picking his head up. "I'm all right," he says. "Getting my strength back."
"Are you tired?" Sungjong asks. "Dizzy? Woozy?"
"I'm always tired," Sunggyu says. "I'm a little dizzy. Woozy is probably a better way to describe it."
"You've lost blood." A gesture to Woohyun, towards the kitchen. "Hyung, get him some water, please. Sunggyu hyung, just lay there. Don't exert yourself, or you might pass out."
When Woohyun returns with the water, he spends a moment just watching Sungjong, watching the efficiency with which he moves. He cleans up Dongwoo's head wound in what feels like moments, without flinching, just doing what he knows how to do-and it occurs to Woohyun, not for the first time, that they undervalue Sungjong so much it's laughable. He's so valuable to them, and they treat him like a child until they need him. "Sungjongie," Woohyun says, crouching to hand the water to Sunggyu. "You're amazing, you know that?"
Sungjong looks up at him, his eyes wide. "Hyung?" he says. "Did you get hit in the head?"
It should be funny, because Sungjong looks almost comically surprised, but instead it just makes Woohyun unbearably sad. "No," he says, shaking his head. "I just think I should appreciate you more."
After a moment of just watching, Sungjong flushes slightly and shrugs, turning back to Dongwoo. "Okay," he says. "Can you help Sunggyu hyung sit up?"
Woohyun props Sunggyu up against the chair, then sits down next to him, absently brushing Sunggyu's hair back from his forehead. "Don't think I'm going to forget about what you said," Sunggyu says after a moment, his eyes falling closed. "Back in that alley."
"I said a lot of things, hyung," Woohyun says. "You shouldn't listen to all of them."
"You have to know it's not your fault."
It's the last thing that Woohyun wants to hear. "Don't, hyung," he says, scooting back away from Sunggyu. "It is my fault, okay? I pushed it, I pushed for him to go even though you said it was a bad idea. I was hasty and impulsive and now everything is fucked up again, so don't tell me it's not my fault, okay?"
"You pushed because you thought it was safe," Sunggyu argues. His voice is a little weak-blood loss, Woohyun thinks-but his eyes are hard, unrelenting. "You had no way of knowing how it would turn out."
"Like we haven't had proof these last few months?" Woohyun knows he's snapping, but he can't help it. "Like he hasn't tried to bite one of our heads off every time we make loud noises or startle him or touch him without telling him first? I had every way of knowing how it would turn out."
"Woohyun-"
"Can you both just shut up?" Sungjong snaps, setting his case down into the space between them. "No one cares whose fault it is. You're both such martyrs sometimes-always looking to blame yourself even when there's not even a blame to be assigned. What happened happened, deciding whether it's Woohyun hyung's fault or Sunggyu hyung's fault isn't going to undo it. Just sit down and let me do my job."
They both fall into a stunned silence, watching Sungjong as he shakes his head, sighs, and starts to tend to Sunggyu's wound. And they stay quiet for a long moment, even as Sunggyu hisses when the disinfectant stings, until Sungjong is stitching the cut with quiet, precise movements.
"I just," Sunggyu says, then clenches his teeth against the pain. "I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time."
Woohyun drags his gaze up from where he'd been staring at the floor, meeting Sunggyu's eyes. He knows he must look stunned, because he is-he'd always thought Sunggyu had a plan. For someone who liked control as much as Sunggyu, being out of control was unthinkable. "You seem like you do," Woohyun says, weakly.
"I pretend," Sunggyu says. "I fake it until I make it. And sometimes I do come up with a plan. Most of the time I do, but this time I have nothing."
When it comes down it, Woohyun doesn't blame him. It's not like they have anything to base this on. What do you do when your best friend, or your lover, becomes a shadow of the person they used to be in a way that you have no hope of fixing? What backup plan is there for a case like that?
"I'm trying to help, where I can," Woohyun says. "I don't know if it's working."
Sunggyu exhales sharply, and Sungjong makes an apologetic sound. "Is that anesthetized?" Woohyun asks, gesturing to his arm, and Sunggyu shakes his head. "You're insane, hyung."
"We don't have that much left," Sunggyu says, clenching his teeth again. "It's fine. Woohyun, how can you possibly not know how much you're helping? You have no idea how much I lean on you. You don't even notice, do you?"
If anything, it seems like Woohyun's the one who leans on Sunggyu. "I don't notice," Woohyun says. "I've never noticed."
Sunggyu smiles, a genuine expression even as it's tinged with pain. "You're a little ridiculous, you know," he says, reaching out to pat Woohyun's knee. He leaves his hand there, warm and solid through the fabric of Woohyun's pants. "I don't know what I would do without you."
"You'd probably be fine," Woohyun says, shrugging. "You were fine before me, weren't you?"
"Before you?" Sunggyu sounds surprised. "Before you, Jaehyun hyung took care of everything. For me as a leader, there is no 'before you'."
Woohyun wants to say something, but he can't quite find the words. There was no 'before him' for Sunggyu? It seems ludicrous, almost silly, and he wants to laugh, but he also wants to cry-thankfully, Sungjong saves him from doing either by tying off the thread and sitting back on his heels. "There," he says. "I'll bandage you and you'll be fine. Woohyun hyung-"
"I don't need anything," Woohyun says, although the cut on his arm aches and he knows his face must look terrible. "It's just bumps and bruises."
Sungjong gives him a look, as though he's assessing the truth of Woohyun's statement, and then nods. "Drink water and go to sleep," he says. "Those are my official recommendations. Don't wake up early tomorrow-either of you. Just sleep. We can make breakfast by ourselves for one morning."
Woohyun laughs, the sound raw in his throat. "You're a good kid, Sungjongie," he says, resting his hand briefly on Sungjong's shoulder. "Put Sungyeol in charge of breakfast. Hoya will just burn everything."
In bed, Woohyun stares at the ceiling and completely fails not to think about it. He's spent so long thinking he's not good enough, that he's second best-if that, and never deserving of being Sunggyu's right hand-but lately it seems that all anyone wants to do is tell him otherwise. Woohyun doesn't know what to do with this, with Sunggyu and Dongwoo's newfound insistence that his presence has meaning-that he's important, that they rely on him in a way they don't rely on anyone else. It's strange, because Woohyun had never considered the idea-he'd never, before this very moment, considered that he might be a support for the two of them, that he might be the fulcrum to their lever.
And in some ways, Woohyun doesn't want to think that way. It's one more change, one more thing he can't quite adapt to. It's not entirely bad, but Woohyun wishes some things, at least, would stay the same.
Sunggyu grabs his arm and shakes him awake, and it's the searing pain from the cut on Woohyun's arm that drags him out of unconsciousness. He swears and sits up, shaking Sunggyu's hand off-"What, hyung?" he demands, staring Sunggyu down. "This better be good-"
"Dongwoo's gone," Sunggyu says. "Again. Sungyeol too."
If it were anyone else, Woohyun would think it was a joke-a horribly unfunny joke, certainly, but a joke nonetheless. But it's Sunggyu, and Woohyun can read the set of his jaw and the line between his brows as clearly as any sign. "Again?" he repeats, his voice a little hollow. "Any idea where? Did it-did he leave-"
"Damage? No," Sunggyu says. He sits on the edge of Woohyun's bed and cradles his hands in his lap. He's trembling, and Woohyun wants to reach out and pull him close, but he thinks that Sunggyu would just fall apart. "No note, either, if that was your next question. He's just gone."
"But Sungyeol's gone, too," Woohyun confirms. He's trying to make sense of it in his head, trying to come up with scenarios that don't end in blood. "Maybe they went out together."
"Tell me you can think of a way that this ends that isn't awful," Sunggyu says. He looks up at Woohyun and his expression is brutal, cuts Woohyun to the quick with how devastated he looks. After all this time, the sum of Sunggyu's infinite love for Dongwoo makes Woohyun feel miniscule. "A single way that this could end, Woohyun."
Woohyun meets Sunggyu's gaze and racks his brain for something, anything he could suggest as an alternative to what he knows they're both imagining. "Sungyeol doesn't know what happened last night and Dongwoo hyung doesn't remember," he says slowly, weighing the words even as he says them. "So they went out together to do-something. An errand. Dongwoo hyung said he wanted to drive the bike-"
"And the likelihood of that being the case?" Sunggyu says.
"Low," Woohyun replies. "You asked me for a scenario, hyung. You didn't ask for a plausible one."
Sunggyu falls silent, and Woohyun studies his profile. His lashes are dark, casting shadows over his face, and Woohyun marvels that there was ever a time when he couldn't read Sunggyu, when he'd thought Sunggyu was enigmatic. Like this, in the early morning light, it seems like every one of Sunggyu's thoughts is written on his skin for Woohyun to read, all of his fears and worry and hurt and love. Sunggyu is an open book, to Woohyun.
"Hyung," he says, the beginning of something-a promise, or a plea.
From the entryway, Sungyeol's voice: "Did anyone even bother leaving breakfast for me?" he demands, loud and impatient and playful.
Sunggyu looks up and meets Woohyun's eyes, and for a split second they're frozen-and then they're both in motion, tumbling out of Woohyun's bed and spilling into the hallway. "You left with Dongwoo?" Sunggyu demands, his hand already closing around Sungyeol's wrist before Woohyun has even made it into the kitchen proper. "Where is he?"
"Hyung-" Sungyeol says, his shocked expression quickly giving way to a grimace. "That hurts, hyung, cut it out-"
"Where is he," Sunggyu repeats, all steel the way he is when he's terrified or angry. Woohyun comes up behind him and curls his fingers around the back of Sunggyu's neck, a gentle but firm presence.
"You're hurting him, hyung," he says, softly.
Sunggyu looks at him, then at Sungyeol, and then releases Sungyeol's wrist like it burns him. "I'm sorry," he says, taking a deep shuddery breath. "Sungyeol-ah-sorry. I'm a little high strung right now."
"So I can see," Sungyeol says, rubbing his wrist where Sunggyu's fingers had dug into his skin. "I took him out, because he asked me to. He went to go see Key, out with Seohyun's girls. I wanted to wake you up and tell you where we were going, but hyung told me not to, and I'm kinda at the point where I'm not sure I want to test hyung's patience if you know what I mean."
"To see Key?" Woohyun repeats. That doesn't make sense, to him-Dongwoo and Key have never been close, not really, and the last thing Dongwoo needs right now is a prostitute, so Woohyun searches through the options and comes up totally blank. "What for?"
"Why would I know?" Sungyeol looks like he doesn't know how to react to any of this. "Sometimes I think that the less I know about what you do, the better."
A part of Woohyun wants to protest-that it's not fair, that Sungyeol shouldn't be so flippant about things that matter so obviously. But then again, he thinks, Sungyeol is yet another member of their team who is taken for granted in all things. They treat Sungyeol as their messenger, their retriever, their courier, but no one-much less Sunggyu-ever really explains to him what's going on. And Sungyeol is still here, out of love or duty or something else entirely. So maybe it is perfectly fair, after all.
Sunggyu takes a deep breath, grinds his teeth, exhales. Some of the tension ebbs out of him-Woohyun can feel it leave the muscles under his fingertips. "You're right," he says, his voice soft. With all the fire and steel gone, Sunggyu seems very small. "Of course. I'm sorry I-" He gestures at Sungyeol's wrist, at the red marks that will undoubtedly be bruises later.
"It's fine," Sungyeol says. He smiles a little, always too forgiving. "I'd tell you if I knew, hyung."
"I know." With a nod, Sunggyu pulls away and sits heavily on the edge of the couch. He scrubs his hands through his hair, frenetic energy, and Woohyun thinks he's never seen Sunggyu look this wrong before. "Woohyun-if he's not back in an hour, go get him."
As always. "Of course," Woohyun says. He wants to reach out and touch Sunggyu, press his fingers against the pulse in Sunggyu's throat and remind himself that Sunggyu is still alive-but he doesn't have that right, and so he stays where he is, leaning against the back of the couch and staring at the tense line of Sunggyu's back.
Beside him, Sungyeol shifts restlessly. "I'm going to go out," he finally says, clearly uncomfortable-Woohyun can't really blame him. "Just for a ride. I'll be back soon."
"Sure," Sunggyu says. "Be safe."
"I always am," Sungyeol says, and with that he's gone.
Forty-five minutes later, Dongwoo comes through the door with Key close behind him. Sunggyu hasn't moved from his place on the couch, but the instant the latch turns, it's like his whole body angles towards Dongwoo-before Dongwoo is even in the room, and Sunggyu can tell he's there. Woohyun wonders what it's like to be that attuned to someone, wonders if that's something they worked at or if it was just there.
"I should kick your ass," is the first thing Sunggyu says to Dongwoo. His jaw is tense and set, but his whole body is radiating relief like heat waves. "For leaving like that, not telling anyone where you were going."
Dongwoo smiles. There's a hint of apology there, but not much, because Dongwoo knows how to see through Sunggyu's anger into the relief underneath it. "If there's any safer place for me to be than here, it's with Seohyun," he says, offering his palms up in a placating gesture. "Have you seen the security out there? Taecyeon's bicep is like the size of your leg."
Key coughs, hiding a laugh. "That's true," he points out. "I think Taecyeon could hold him down with one hand."
Woohyun watches the brief struggle in Sunggyu where irritation with Key and relief at Dongwoo war. In the end, relief wins out, and Sunggyu relaxes a little against the back of the couch, some of the tension sliding out of his features. "I'm not going to ask why you went," he says, though his tone says he'd certainly like to know. "You can tell me if you want to."
Dongwoo hesitates for a moment, then crosses the room to sit on the couch next to Sunggyu. From his position against the wall, Woohyun watches the way their bodies orient towards each other. Symbiosis. "Actually, about that," Dongwoo says, and a new thread of tension works its way through Sunggyu's body. "I went to Key to ask for help. With this whole… going crazy and tearing people's throats out thing."
Key makes a face, which Woohyun finds a little amusing, considering what he knows about Key's life before Seohyun. "He didn't come to me because he doesn't trust you," Key says, taking a seat on the arm of the couch. "Just so that's clear."
It's painfully obvious that Sunggyu doesn't believe him, but he nods anyway, glancing between the two of them. "Accepted," he agrees. Woohyun barely notices the way he links his pinky finger with Dongwoo's. "Then why?"
"Because I'm in the unique position of having a lot of blackmail material over a lot of really rich, really important people," Key says. He worries his lower lip with his teeth. It's funny-he says it like a fact, not like he's bragging. Like it's just any other job. Tinker, tailor, soldier, prostitute. "And I have a lot of men in influential positions who would do anything to get my undivided attention."
Woohyun thinks he knows where this is going.
"So you went to Key to see if he can-what, hook you up with something?" Sunggyu says. Woohyun can see the wheels turning in his head, putting the pieces together. Sunggyu has always been bright. "How many of these people are neurosurgeons, Key?"
"Four," Key says. "But only one of them is a neurosurgeon employed by the city."
Everyone goes silent for a moment, letting those implications sink in. "So you went to Key to have him put you in contact with someone who might be able to open your skull and fix you," Sunggyu says. For once, Woohyun can't read his tone-he just sounds detached, quiet. "And he agreed to do this? It's a sure thing?"
"He's on board," Key says. He flicks his gaze between Sunggyu's face and Dongwoo's, studying each of them. "As long as Dongwoo hyung is on board."
"This is why you left without telling me, isn't it?" Sunggyu says. Finally, Woohyun pinpoints the curious tone of his voice-fear, betrayal, worry. A potent combination. They're used to fear and worry, but betrayal is new. "Because you knew if you asked me I would say no. It's not like you have a great track record with people doing things to your brain, Dongwoo-"
"Enough," Woohyun says, sharp when he sees a flash of hurt cross Dongwoo's face. "There are some things you can't take back."
Dongwoo and Sunggyu both look up at him, thankful and startled respectively-like Sunggyu had forgotten he was even in the room. Status quo. "Don't do anything you'll regret," Woohyun says, holding Sunggyu's gaze until Sunggyu looks away.
"I don't want you to get hurt," Sunggyu says, after an extended, tense silence. "Getting you back the first time was a miracle. I don't want to have to hope for another."
It cuts Dongwoo to the quick, Woohyun can tell. But there's something else there, determination that has been hard to come by in the fever and the delirium of the last few months-Dongwoo can be giving, has to be in order to love Sunggyu the way he does, but he can be stubborn too, and Woohyun can tell that he isn't going to back down on this.
"I know," Dongwoo says. He takes Sunggyu's hand, properly, lacing their fingers together. "But if we don't try-then what? Then I'll spend the rest of my life staying inside, being protected and sometimes restrained? I can't do that, Gyu. I'd rather die."
That's when Woohyun takes his leave of the room.
He knows where this is going. Dongwoo will be the rock, and Sunggyu will be the wave that tries to wear him down, but it won't work, and in the end Sunggyu will sigh and tell Dongwoo that if it's what he wants, Sunggyu will help however he can. And he'll smile, but he won't really mean it, and tonight they'll retreat to their room and they'll spend the night trying to climb into each others' skins. Woohyun knows how this goes.
He sits on the edge of his bed and puts his head in his hands. He's trembling, he realizes, tremors in his hands and deeper, inside him, like his whole body is about to fall apart. In the face of Sunggyu's fear his own had seemed insignificant, but now that he's alone-now that there's nothing but Woohyun's thoughts to distract him-it's all he can think about. Fear, the terror that it will go wrong, that they'll be betrayed, that Dongwoo will die, or worse, be rebooted successfully. And they'll lose him, and in the wake of that they'll lose Sunggyu too, because he won't be able to handle it-because no one holds Sunggyu together the way that Dongwoo does, no one can tame him the way Dongwoo has. Dongwoo has tamed him and so Dongwoo is responsible.
Woohyun realizes he's breathing a little too hard, and struggles to calm himself, laying back on his bed and taking deep breaths until the world stops swimming. "It's going to be fine," he says aloud, like maybe the verbal confirmation will make it true.
Again. "It's going to be fine."
Again. "It's going to be fine."
No matter how many times he says it, Woohyun can't find it in himself to totally believe.
part five | part six | part seven
note (to self): Stop promising you'll update every day. You won't!