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Road Trippin' with Ed and Hank (17)
Might as well jump... Jump!
Note: Didn't mean to cause any confusion with the last post. Ed and Hank have been back on the ranch for a while, but the trip isn't over yet. Hank's just writing about it from home now. Disclaimer: Hank told their story to Annie Proulx. Jack and Ennis are all hers. Ed and Hank belong only to each other. And so do Art and Jerry. As far as Hank knows anyways. Rating: PG $$: Nope. Comments: Always appreciated.
Everything else is here:
http://myeyesaintblue.livejournal.com/10082.html
Might as well jump... Jump!
"Where the hell are we goin', Hank?"
"Nowheres."
"Well this 'nowheres' a yers
seems ta be a long ways in the wrong direction."
"Told ya before... Ain't no wrong direction
when ya ain't really goin' nowheres in particular."
"'N 'xactly how far is it ta this particular
'nowheres in particular'?"
"Ain't tha' far, Ed.
Why dontcha jus' relax 'n enjoy them
amber waves a grain."
"'S purty 'nough... But...
Think I'd rather enjoy tha' grain in liquid form a l'il later.
We got beer in the cooler... Don' we...?"
"Watched ya put more in this mornin'."
"'N do we still got some a them chocolate bars left...?
Them fields are makin' me think a beer
'n chocolate..."
"Never gonna get used ta you
eatin' chocolate with yer beer. Yuch."
"You should try it sometime.
'S real tasty."
"Have tried it. Don' like it. One bit.
Makes me kinda sick ta think 'bout it even."
"Jus' cause you don' like it don' mean
I gotta not like it."
"Didn' say ya didn' gotta like it.
Jus' don' understand why ya do. Yuch."
"'N I don' understand why you don't."
"Main reason is... Yuch."
"Ain't gonna make ya watch me eat it."
"But...
'S righ' there in fronta me...
don' 'xactly know how I can avoid it.
'N even if'n I leave 'n go somewheres else
it's bad 'nough ta jus' know
yer doin' it..."
"Hell... I gotta watch you slather horseradish all over everythin'...
I cain't stand tha' stuff... 'N you do tha' a lot more often
than I eat chocolate with my beer."
"Don' slather it on everythin'. 'Sides...
Ain't nothin' sickenin' 'bout puttin' horseradish
on a sandwich ev'ry now 'n again."
"Speak fer yer self, dumbass...
Tha' stuff turns my stomach but good.
Cain't abide it none."
"Uh... Guess this is purty stupid, huh, Ed...?"
"Yeah... Guess we jus' gotta agree ta disagree.
'N avert our eyes... 'n noses...
when necessary."
"Seems like the reasonable thing ta do."
"Yep. 'N it'd work even better if'n ya'd stop
eatin' horseradish."
"Hey..."
"Jus' kiddin', dumbass."
"Better be."
"Yaaawn...
Think maybe 'm gonna take a l'il nap righ' now...
Dream 'bout tha' beer 'n
chocolate."
"Why dontcha dream 'bout me instead?"
"Why the hell would I dream 'bout you? Yer sittin' righ' next ta me...
'Sides... if'n I dream 'bout you it ain't like it'd be
a real restful kinda nap."
"True 'nough.
Go right ahead 'n dream 'bout yer
beer 'n chocolate then."
"Thanks. I will.
'N I appreciate ya not addin' a 'yuch'
ta tha' sentence."
"Gotta admit... I thought 'bout it."
"Know ya did."
"I'll wake ya up soon as we get there."
"Only if'n ya think it's absolutely necessary."
Later...
"......Yaaawn......
So's is this 'nowheres in particular', Hank?"
"Nope. Not yet.
We're almost there though.
I jus' need ta find out 'xactly where it is."
"There a Dairy Queen in this here town?
Just as easy ta ask the whereabouts a nowheres in particular
at a Dairy Queen as anywheres else."
"Think it's a federal law...
Ev'ry small town's gotta have a Dairy Queen.
Folks gotta have some reason
ta stick 'round."
"Or a bakery maybe...? Them folks usually
know where nowheres is too."
"Hey...
Lookit tha' there sign, Ed...
Bet there's some kinda story there...
Too bad theyr'e already closed fer the day..."
"Prob'bly father 'n son."
"Don' get tha' feelin'."
"Migh' be brothers then."
"I doubt it...
How many brothers you know go inta bus'ness ta gether?
Usually too much rivalry 'tween brothers
fer tha' ta work out well."
"Then it must be two guys
who fell in love 'n decided the best thing ta do
was ta stick 'round a real small-town 'n open up a boot shop.
'N then all them open-minded small-town folks
bought their boots from Art 'n Jerry 'n they
managed ta live happily ever after.
Or close 'nough anyways."
"Never know... Could be...
Hell... we managed it with our ranch."
"Ain't the same thing, Hank.
We didn' gotta rely on folks ta be our customers
in order ta keep us in bus'ness."
"Well...
Tha's the story 'm goin' with...
'Course it wouldna all been a piece a cake...
Art 'n Jerry musta went through some trials 'n tribulations...
But they still got their happily ever after.
Jus' know they did."
"Hey... Betcha anythin' Art 'n Jerry
married a couple a lesbians fer cover... Lucy 'n Selma...
'n tha' way four queer folks could live happily ever after instead a jus' two.
'N I betcha they bought houses righ' next door ta each other.
Built a secret tunnel 'tween 'em so's they
could sneak back 'n forth 'way from
pryin' eyes 'n outta the rain
'n the cold 'n the
snow."
"Tha's some story, Ed."
"'N then...
the milkman found out one day...
'n started ta blackmail 'em but one a the women... Lucy...
She killed him... hit him over the head with one a them milk bottles...
The old-fashioned kind. Chocolate milk it were.
Art's real partial ta chocolate milk."
"Dontcha think tha' murderin' a blackmailin' milkman
migh' be a l'il too dramatic... I mean...
fer such a small town 'n all?"
"Happens more 'n ya'd think.... "
"Ya don' say?"
"I do say.
But then again... maybe yer righ'...
So's maybe it were the mailman blackmailin' them...
'N Lucy kills him with a letter opener...
In self defense... a course."
"Oh... yeah... tha's a lot better..."
"Ev'ry story needs some drama ta it, Hank.
Take ours fer 'xample...
'S way too dull..."
"Jus' tryin' ta tell our story, dumbass...
Cain't help it if'n it's dull."
"Been thinkin' you should punch it up some.... Ya know...
Use more a tha' dramatic licence... Maybe I could have an affair or somethin'...
Meet some real tall, good-lookin' trucker at one a them there truckstops...
Run off with him... You chase us down... crazy jealous 'n all...
'N there's a big showdown 'tween
you 'n him over me..."
"If'n I did somethin' like tha' we'd really be jumpin' the shark.
'N I think we already did tha' a while back...
Few times even..."
"'Jumpin' the shark'...?
Wha' the hell are you talkin' 'bout...?"
"'Jumpin' the shark'... You know...
When a TV show gets real outrageous 'n unbelievable
ta try 'n keep its audience from wanderin' 'way ta watch other shows.
Comes from 'Happy Days'... when Fonzie were water skiin'
'n jumped over a shark fer some reason
I cain't remember now."
"We ain't 'xactly a 'show', Hank."
"Ya don' think we could be
one a them sitcoms that ain't about much a anythin'?
Or maybe one a them with the occasional 'very special' episode?
Or maybe we'd be more like one a
them dramadies..."
"Our life is too dull ta be no kinda TV show."
"Guess you ain't been watchin' too many TV shows lately."
"Cain't say as I have. But neither have you."
"True 'nough."
"'N how can ya 'jump the shark' anyways
if'n ya ain't makin' stuff up?"
"It were really you tha' jumped tha' shark...
Remember when you outted us ta them neighbors?
Tha' were jus' too unbelievable."
"But I did tha'."
"I know ya did.
Jus' kinda a stretch ta 'xpect folks ta believe ya did tha'.
Hell... I still don' believe ya did tha'."
"Yeah. Me neither.
Maybe Betty put somethin' in them muffins
we had fer breakfast tha' day."
"Maybe... But...
Ya also held my hand in tha' canyon...
'N let me hold onta ya on tha' beach at sunset...
'N put yer hand on my knee in tha' bar... 'N ya wanna get rings...
You jus' been jumpin' sharks left 'n righ'...
Jump... Jump... Jump...
Jump..."
"But I did all tha' too..."
"Know ya did.
Ain't sayin ya didn'."
"Then you complainin' or somethin'...?
'Cause I don' never gotta do nothin' like tha' stuff again.
'N we don' gotta get no rings."
"Hell no. I ain't complainin'.
'N ya ain't gettin' outta gettin' rings tha' easy."
"Didn' say I wanted ta get outta gettin' rings.
But... it sure as hell sounded like you were complainin'..."
"Well, I weren't.
Love tha' ya did all a tha' stuff.
Love tha' ya jumped all them big ol' sharks...
'Cause ya jumped 'em fer me."
"Think maybe I were pushed."
"Yeah... maybe justa l'il.
But yer still the one tha' did all tha' jumpin'."
"Be glad ta do some more later on... maybe jump on you.
After my chocolate 'n beer a course..."
"Wouldn' dream a denyin'
you yer chocolate 'n beer. After all...
Yer gonna need all the energy you can get."
"I am, huh?"
"Yep. 'N then some. That is...
If'n yer sure ya wouldn' rather be jumpin' on
someone else?"
"Who the hell else would I wanna jump on?"
"I dunno... Maybe some tall, good-lookin' trucker?
Today's the second time on this here trip tha' ya've mentioned
yer self in association with a tall, good-lookin' stranger.
Guess I ain't quite tall 'nough or good-lookin'
'nough fer ya, huh...?"
"Yer good-lookin' 'nough alrigh'...
but ya always been tha' inch or so shorter
'n I cain't help thinkin' 'bout wha'd it be like ta be with
someone a migh' taller 'n me."
"Thanks a lot, dumbass..."
"Real easy way ta take care a tha' though...
How 'bout we jus' stay overnigh' 'n wait fer Ben 'n Jerry's ta open tomorrow
'n then you can buy some new cowboy boots with
some big ol' heels?"
"Art 'n Jerry's."
"Huh?"
"'S 'Art 'n Jerry's'.
You said 'Ben 'n Jerry's."
"Whatever.
Where the hell d'ya 'spose
tha' Dairy Queen is?"
"There it is..."
A little later...
"Thought them chain places were all s'posed ta be the same...
Tha' weren't near as good as our Dairy Queen.
Smelled kinda funny too."
"Guess we shoulda
jus' walked outta there 'fore we ordered them cones.
'Course... didn' really notice the smell right off...
Wha' with them cookin' stuff 'n all...
Kinda snuck up on ya
after a while."
"Well... prob'bly won' kill us."
"'N least-wise I know which way ta head now."
"Where the hell are ya takin' me anyways?"
"We're on the righ' road...
'S justa couple a miles this-a-way..."
"Tha' ain't what I asked..."
"You'll see soon 'nough now."
"Better be worth drivin' all this way
outta our way."
"There...
Tha's where 'm takin' ya..."
"Wha' the hell is it?"
"Ya cain't tell...?"
"Why dontcha give me a hint..."
"'S 'Carhenge', dumbass.
'S a replica a Stonehenge made outta old cars."
"Yer kiddin'..."
"Fella who told me 'bout it said it were done over one weekend...
'Cept fer paintin' them cars all gray...
They did tha' later."
"Musta been one a them long weekends..."
"He said it were a big ol' family reunion.
Throw in a backhoe or two 'n a buncha old cars..."
"'N most likely a fair amount
a alcohol..."
"'N ya end up with 'Carhenge'.."
"Ya sure they did all this over one weekend?"
"I don' know nothin' fer sure.
Tha's jus' wha' the fella who told me 'bout it said.
So's... whaddya think a it, Ed...?
Were it worth the drive?"
"Yeah... Guess so... Sure is somethin' alrigh'...
'N I think I migh' like it better 'n
tha' other one..."
"Tha' other one
were bound ta be depressin'
on accounta it were an anti-war memorial.
This one's more a monument ta the original 'n...
'n a monument ta... I dunno...
a monument ta..."
"Boredom 'n booze 'n access ta a backhoe?"
"Yeah... tha's fer sure...
But dontcha think it's a l'il more 'n tha' too...?"
"Sure is. 'S a big ol' monument ta
outrigh' silliness."
"Yeah... Tha' too..
But... seems like it's sayin' somethin'
'bout us 'n our love a cars..."
"Prefer trucks my self."
"I know ya do, dumbass. I do too.
I meant... our country 'n its crazy love a cars.
'N trucks too."
"But maybe it were jus' meant ta be silly 'n funny.
Maybe they didn' mean nothin'
else by it."
"Maybe they didn'.
But it don' mean it ain't there. Hell... Sometimes...
I end up writin' stuff 'bout us tha' I don' even know 'm writin' 'bout...
But even if'n I didn' know it were there
it don' mean it ain't there fer
someone else."
"Think the heat migh' be gettin' to ya, Hank."
"'S poss'ble...
'S hotter 'n hell out here.
Ya kinda know what I mean though...
Dontcha, Ed...?"
"All's I know...
Is tha' I'd sure as hell hate ta see
wha' you'd do with a backhoe 'n some booze 'n
a whole mess a old cars."
"Well we ain't got no backhoe,
but I could rent one easy 'nough fer a day or two...
'N we got plenty a booze back home 'n a few old trucks...
'M sure I can come up with
somethin'..."
"Think 'm sorry I mentioned anythin'."
"Sure would like ta see the real Stonehenge..."
"There's a s'prise.
Is there anywheres ya wouldn' wanna see?"
"Prob'bly... But I told ya before...
Jus' wouldn' know tha' I wouldn' care 'bout seein' it
'til after I'd been there 'n seen it."
"Shit."
"Hey, Ed...
D'ya think Art 'n Jerry ever come out here
'n sneak a kiss behind some
a them cars?"
"Knowin' Jerry he's prob'bly gotten a whole lot more 'n a kiss
outta Art behind some a them cars."
"C'mon, Ed... I wanna kiss ya behind them cars..."
"No way, Hank...
Carload a folks jus' pulled up."
"C'mon, Ed... Justa quick one 'fore they get out here...
No one'll see... 'Lessen they got x-ray vision...
'N I jus wanna be able ta say
tha' I kissed ya at
Carhenge."
"'N 'xactly who do ya wanna say tha' to?"
"C'mon, Ed...
They're gonna be all over this place
in a minute."
"Okay, okay...
Let's duck behind tha' one there."
...
"Cut it out, Hank... Ya said 'quick'."
"Jus' markin' my spot fer later...
'Sides... them folks are headin' up towards tha' other stuff first."
"What is tha' other stuff anyways...?
Don' remember tha' kinda stuff in pictures I seen
a Stonehenge."
"Yeah... Don' think them cars
correspond ta rocks tha' were part a the original.
Tha' fella said they'd added on ta the place over the years.
Don' seem righ' ta me... Kinda clutters it up 'n all...
Seems like Stonehenge... or Carhenge...
both I guess... belong off by
themselves."
"Agree with ya on tha', Hank. Be better by itself.
Least-wise it ain't surrounded
by no subdivision."
'
"Yeah...
Tha's somethin'... Now...
how 'bout we go lookin' fer some place ta camp...
So's we can be all alone off by ourselves
'n I can pick up where
I left off?"
"Sure. Right after this..."
"...Hey..."
"I coulda danced all niiigh'... I coulda danced all niiigh'...
'N still kept dancin' more..."
"Jumpin' 'nother shark fer me, huh?"
"Ain't jumpin' nothin'...
Jus' dancin' ya once 'round Carhenge.
...I coulda danced all niiigh'... I coulda danced all niiigh'...
'N still kept dancin' more..."
"Didn' know ya knew how ta dance like this..."
"I didn' know you didn't.
Ouch... Watch my toes, dumbass..."
"If'n you watch out fer them cars..."
"'S a deal. Now where was I...
...I coulda danced all niiigh'... I coulda danced all niiigh'...
'N still kept dancin' more..."
"Guess yer still a man a many mysteries."
"Yep. 'N the rest a the words ta tha' song
are a mystery ta me too."
"Ya don' even got the ones yer singin' righ'...
It's, 'And still have begged fer more'..."
"Don' worry, dumbass...
I'll have ya beggin' fer more later."
"Lookin' forward ta it."
A while later...
"Tell ya, Ed... Still cain't believe ya danced me 'round Carhenge.
Know them other folks were a ways away...
but still..."
"Dancin'...?
At Carhenge...? Me 'n you...?
Don' know wha' the hell yer talkin' 'bout, Hank...
Think ya mus' be sufferin' from some
kinda heat-stroke-induced
hallucination."
"I am, huh?"
"'Fraid so."
"Tha' mean you tellin' me
you'd have me beggin' fer more later on were
one a them hallucinations too?"
"Ya wanna beg?
Be glad ta make ya beg."
"Lookin' forward ta it."
"Hey... Lookit tha', Hank...
Pull over."
"Why...? Wha'...?"
"Tha'... All them boots..."
"Heard 'bout this...
But I didn' know it were 'round here.
Folks put their old boots on fence posts along the highway...
They say it goes on fer miles."
"Who's 'they'?"
"How the hell should I know?"
"Prob'bly passed a mess of 'em
withou' even noticin'."
"Could be.
They're harder ta see from the road
than ya'd think."
"Hey... How many of 'em d'ya think
Art 'n Jerry sold?"
"Dunno...
Could be they sold tha' one righ' there."
"Don' really get it...
Why d'ya s'pose folks do it?"
"Prob'bly
a lotta diff'rent reasons.
Maybe jus' 'cause they think it's funny...
Or maybe 'cause they wanna be part a somethin'.
Or they don' wanna jus' throw out a fav'rite pair a worn out boots.
Or could be tha' they wanna remember someone...
'n they put their boots out here kinda like
a memorial or somethin'.
"Bet it helps keep them posts from
deterioratin' too."
"Yep. Tha' too."
"We shoulda done tha' at home.
Sure gone through a few pairs a boots over the years."
"Ain't too late ta start.
Know you got a couple a pairs that are
on their last legs."
"Not true.
Them are jus' ta the point a bein'
broke in real good."
"Sure they are."
"Well... if'n we ever come by this way again...
Think we should each bring a pair. Or at least each bring
one boot ta add ta tha' there fence..."
"Like tha' idea, Ed."
"Wha' do they call it anyways... tha' fence...
It got a name?"
"Think they jus' call it the Boot Fence."
"Good a name as any."
"Heard in some places they got 'ShoeTrees'.
Folks pick some tree 'n jus' start
throwin' their shoes
up inta it."
"Now tha's jus' stupid."
Later yet...
"So's... ya wanna be Art or Jerry, Hank...?"
"Art. Art's taller 'n better lookin'...
So's definitely Art."
"Art cain't be both taller and better lookin'...
Ain't fair."
"Yer taller and better lookin'."
"Yer crazy."
"Ya really ain't got no idea
how good lookin' ya are... Do ya, Ed?"
"I ain't, Ed."
"Ya ain't really got no idea
how good lookin' ya are... Do ya, Jerry?"
"I ain't Jerry neither."
"No way am I havin' my way with Lucy or Selma."
"I ain't Lucy neither.
Or Selma."
"Who the hell are ya, then?"
"I'm tha' there shark..."
"Ooomph...
Jeez... Wait a minute...
Hey... not the shirt... I like this shirt...
Jus' lemme take it off... Ow...Ya got it all wrong...
The shark's s'posed ta be jumped over.
Shark ain't the one doin'
the jumpin' on..."
"Let's jus' say Art tried ta jump tha' shark 'n missed...
'N now tha' there shark gets
ta jump on Art."
"'N where's Jerry?"
"Who the hell cares where Jerry is?
C'mere, Art..."
"Damn...
Watch them teeth a yers..."
"Cain't help it...
'm a shark, dumbass."
---
"You still writin', Hank...?
Fergot ta tell ya... Bill's gonna be late tomorrow...
So's I could use yer help in the mornin'... Jeez... it's gettin' late...
Think 'm gonna... Ooomph... Hey... Watch it...
Ain't as young as I used ta be."
"You wanna be Art or Jerry, Ed...?"
"From the state a this here t-shirt a mine
'm guessin' tha' shark role is
already taken?"
"Yep."
"Then I'll be Art."
"Poor Jerry...
He don' ever get ta have no fun."
"Maybe Jerry jus' likes ta watch."
"Could be.
You been eatin' chocolate 'n drinkin' beer
by any chance, Art?"
"Could be...
Lemme get up
'n I'll go 'n brush my teeth."
"Nah... ...Think... ...tha'... ...combination...
...migh'... ...be... ...growin'...
...on... ...me..."
"Ow... Watch them teeth a yers, dumbass."
"Cain't help it Art, 'm a shark."
...
"Hey... Where ya goin'...?"
"Be righ' back, Art..."
"Migh' lose interest...
Maybe go after Jerry instead."
"Willin' ta risk it...
Gonna see if'n I can find tha' song Ed sung ta me
whilst he danced me 'round Carhenge."
"Yer still sufferin' from
tha' Carhenge dancin' delusion, huh?
Hear it happens ta a lotta folks tha' visit tha' place.
You should prob'bly see someone
'bout tha', Hank."
"Think I found it... Here..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbhAMQ8AiZQ
"That ain't the song I sung ta ya at Car... Shit..."
"Gotcha, dumbass...
Now get yer ass outta bed 'n dance with me under
tha' there moonligh'."
"I didn' know sharks could dance."
"I'm one a them land sharks."
"'N them land sharks can dance, huh?"
"Sure can."
"Hope you can dance a damn sigh' better than tha' fella
I were dancin' with at Carhenge."
"Tha' were some
real fancy dancin' you were doin' at Carhenge...
'N 'sides... Ya kinda caught me by
s'prise 'n all."
"Was jus' the box step, dumbass.
Ya live with women yer bound ta learn the box step
sooner or later."
"Well, the kinda dancin' I got in mind ain't fancy at all.
In fact, It's hardly like yer dancin' at all...
'S jus' real slow-like...
'N real..."
"There much danger a toe-stompin'?"
"Hardly any. So's...
How 'bout it...? Do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya
wanna dance with me, Ed...?"
"Name's Art."
"Whatever.
C'mere, dumbass."
---
Do ya
wanna dance,
and hold my hand?
Tell me you're my lover man.
Oh baby, do ya wanna dance?
We could dance under the moonlight,
hug and kiss all through the night. Oh baby, tell me
do ya wanna dance with me baby?
Do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya want ta dance?
Do ya, do ya, do ya want ta dance?
Do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya
want ta dance with
me baby?
Ah, that's right, ah, ah, aaaaaaaah.
Do ya want ta dance under the moonlight?
Hug me, kiss me, baby, all through the night.
Oh baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby,
tell me, do ya want ta dance?
Oh, do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya want ta dance?
Do ya want ta dance? Do ya, do ya, do ya,
do ya want ta dance with me baby?
You got ta dance with me baby.
Please dance with me baby
Tonight you, you got
to dance with
me baby.
----