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Road Trippin' with Ed and Hank (18)
Not just your basic, average, everyday,
ordinary, run-of-the-mill, ho-hum Ed and Hank...
(Okay... Yes it is.)
Note: Some of you may know how it is when you get a little older... you just start doing the same stuff over and over again and you end up being pretty easily amused... And so it goes with Ed and Hank. But you know that already.
Disclaimer: Hank told their story to Annie Proulx. Jack and Ennis are all hers. Ed and Hank belong only to each other. Rating: PG-GI (Graphic insinuendo) $$: Nope. Comments: Always appreciated.
Everything else is here:
http://myeyesaintblue.livejournal.com/10082.html
Not just your basic, average, everyday,
ordinary, run-of-the-mill, ho-hum Ed and Hank...
(Okay... Yes it is.)
"Yawn...
How far we come, Hank?"
"You oughta know...
since yer drivin', dumbass."
"I am? Shit.
They should divide this state
inta East Nebraska 'n West Nebraska...
Least-wise then it would seem like yer gettin'
somewheres a l'il faster."
"Where 'xactly are you
in a such an all-fired hurry ta get to?"
"Outta Nebraska."
"Could be worse, Ed...
We coulda gone through Kansas.
'Sides... Nebraska ain't been so bad."
"Tha's true. So's...
Wha' sights ya got in store fer me ta day?
'S gonna be hard fer ya ta top Carhenge 'n tha' boot fence."
"Guess we'll just hafta go fer quanitity
instead a quality."
"Shit."
"Don' worry.
I don' got nothin' planned.
Don' even know what the hell's out there.
Bound ta be somethin' though.
Jus' gotta wait 'n see wha'
we come 'cross."
"Ya wanna stay on the interstate?
Or get off?"
"Definitely wanna get off.
Don' care if'n it's on the interstate or not."
"Funny. Thought after last night 'n all
ya'd be plum wore out."
"I ain't never wore out."
"Yeah... right.
Sounds like more a tha' there
dramatic licence ta me"
"Maybe."
A little later...
"Hey... Turn 'round, Ed."
"Why?"
"Why d'ya even bother ta ask 'why' anymore?"
"Ya make a good point.
'M turnin' 'round as you wish,
yer highness."
"Guess tha' makes me 'Buttercup' this time."
"Wha' the hell are you talkin' 'bout?"
"Turn right here. 'N park.
'As you wish'. 'S from tha' movie 'The Princess Bride.'
We watched it with Iris years back when she were visitin'.
You gotta big kick outta 'The Cliffs of Insanity'
Ya liked tha' name a whole lot.
Remember?"
"Yeah... I remember them cliffs anyways."
"'N her true love Westley
always answered Princess Buttercup with 'as you wish'.
No matter how outlandish her request was."
"Outlandish seems 'bout right.
Ain't no way yer callin' me 'Westley' though."
"Yeah... But Westley became the 'Dread Pirate Roberts."
"Tha's righ'... I remember...
'Cause the real one retired or somethin'."
"C'mon 'Dread', let's get out 'n take a look..."
"As you wish."
"Think I could get used ta tha'."
"Wouldn' if I were you."
"So's... whadd'ya think?"
"Think it's purty damn busy here fer a one-horse town.
Hey... Watch out fer tha' car, Buttercup."
"'S Saturday. Think the post office must be closin' soon.
'Sides... Meant 'bout them paintin's...
D'ya like 'em?"
"Wha's not ta like?
In fact, think tha' one there is makin' me crave
beer 'n chocolate again."
"Figures."
"Bet tha' one brings back some memories fer ya,
huh, Hank...?"
"Yep. Tha's some position he's got his self inta...
I remember justa few nights ago..."
"Meant memories a rodeoin', dumbass."
"Sure... Tha' too..
Brings back memories a aches 'n pains anyways.
So did tha' one statue they had in Cheyenne.
Tha' thing really made me feel it
in my bones."
"Never liked thinkin' 'bout ya rodeoin'...
Was always worried tha' ya'd break yer neck or somethin'
'n I'd never know what happened ta ya."
"Ta tell ya the truth...
Never liked doin' it tha' much neither.
Not a real fan a pain. Jus' didn' know what else ta do.
But I gotta admit... I kinda liked the way
folks'd look at me."
"There's a s'prise."
"I dunno...
Think maybe I woulda left out
the religious stuff..."
"Guess they figured a l'il proselytizin'
wouldn' hurt."
"What'lletizin'...?"
"Proselytizin'... You know...
'S justa fancy word fer religious recruitin'."
"Then why didn' ya jus' say religious recruitin'?"
"'S one a the few fancy words I know.
Opportunity ta use it don'
come up much."
"Bet tha' there church picture's
been witness ta a fair amount a sinnin' 'n blasphemin'
in the wee hours a the mornin'... Considerin'
where it's located 'n all."
"Imagine it has at tha'."
"Hey, 'Dread'... Maybe we could do this ta the barn?
Paint our mountain on it or
somethin'."
"You know how ta paint like tha'?"
"Nope. You?"
"Nope."
"But...
Lookit this one 'cross the street... Kids painted this one.
Figure we could at least do as well as kids."
"I dunno, Hank...
Says it were fourth graders tha' done tha'...
So's maybe not."
"Let's give it a try when we get back, 'Dread'...
What's the worst tha' could happen?
Bill'd laugh his ass off 'n
we'd hafta paint
over it."
"Lotta work...
'n money... jus' ta amuse Bill.
'N fer somethin' tha' we'll most likely just end up
paintin' over."
"Hey... Wha' the hell happened to
'as you wish', dumbass?"
"As you wish, dumbass."
"Think Westley were a l'il more sincere-like."
"Name ain't Westley, it's 'Dread'."
Later...
"Hey, 'Dread'... Pull inta tha' lot there!"
"As you wish, dumbass.
Shit. 'S justa big ol' tourist trap, Hank."
"Don' think that 'as you wish' is
s'posed ta have a snide-like runnin' commentary with it.
Hey... maybe they sell boots like them ones
on Buffalo Bill. Sure'd like ta see ya
in a pair a those."
"Ain't goin' in there if'n ya hafta pay."
"Tourist traps are half the fun a travelin'.
'N it's the first one we seen
tha's been open when
we're goin' by."
"That ain't true at all.
Ya drug me inta tha' 'Trees a Mystery' place
back in California."
"Okay... 'S the first one we seen in a long time
tha's been open when we're
going by."
"Jus' glad ya didn' make us pay all tha' money
ta see them trees."
"We were surrounded by trees.
Why the hell would I make us pay ta see more trees?"
"Jus' seems like somethin' you'd do.
Like them dinosaurs ya wanted
ta go see in Oregon."
"Glad they had tha' one in the parkin' lot least-wise."
"Me too...
Or ya woulda bitched fer days
'bout whatcha missed out on seein'."
"Maybe fer justa a couple a days...
But I thought tha' were way too much money too.
Speakin' a bitchin' though... Sure wish I had a shot a Babe's big ol' blue balls.
Boy... ya like ta have pitched a fit when I tried
ta take a picture of 'em."
"There were kids everywhere."
"Yeah... Sure as hell were.
'N some of 'em were sittin' right 'neath them big ol' balls
whilst their mom took their picture."
"Still..."
"C'mon, let's go see what's in this here place."
"Told ya, Hank...
Ain't goin' in if'n it costs money."
"Me neither.
But I don' think it costs anythin'.
Might as well go see..."
"As you wish, dumbass."
"Think ya still gotta work a l'il on
yer tone a voice there."
A couple of minutes later...
"Hank."
"Wha'?"
"Wouldya please stop takin' pictures
a tha' fella's rear end?"
"Cain't get a good shot a him from the front.
Way the sun is 'n all..."
"Yer gonna get us thrown outta here.
Or maybe get yer self arrested 'n thrown in jail."
"On what charges?"
"Lewd conduct with a statue or somethin'."
"Ain't happened yet.
'N I been conductin' myself lewdly with prit 'near
ev'ry statue we seen."
"'S justa matter a time. 'N when it happens...
I ain't bailin' ya out."
"Prob'bly arrest you too, 'Dread'...
As an accessory ta lewd conduct with a statue.
Think these days tha' kinda thing carries a life sentence.
'N it extends ta the afterlife if'n yer arrested
in the 'Bible Belt'."
"Don' think we're in the 'Bible Belt'."
"Wouldn' be so sure 'bout tha'.
'S been expandin' over the last few decades.
More of a 'Bible Cummerbund' now... Or maybe even a 'Bible Toga'.
'S way beyond a belt anyways. We could be smack in the middle a it now
'n we wouldn' even know it 'til we got thumped upside
the head with a big ol' bible."
"You 'bout done?"
"Maybe. Maybe not."
"C'mon, Hank... Let's go back inside."
"Okay... 'm comin'..."
"Hey... lookit these, 'Dread'..."
"Get away from the whips, Buttercup."
"Cain't put out a big ol' bin a whips
'n then 'xpect folks not ta crack 'em. Just ain't righ'"
"Jus' try 'n restrain yer self."
"Rather restrain you."
"Hank..."
"Didn' mean I'd whip you.
Couldn' never do nothin' ta hurt ya.
Don' get off on tha'. Know you don' neither.
Know some folks do. Ta each his own a course...
Consentin' adults 'n all tha... Jus' meant...
Maybe I'd tie ya up again some time
Ya seemed ta like it 'nough
tha' one time..."
"Hank..."
"C'mon, Dread...
Dontcha wanna whip?
A pirate needs a whip, don't he?"
"Pirate needs a sword. 'N a pistol. 'N a parrot.
Pirate don' need a whip."
"Know there's a joke in there somewheres..."
But I ain't gonna go lookin' fer it."
"C'mon, Hank... Let's get goin'... Like I said...
'S justa big ol' tourist trap."
"Yeah... but... it... sure... is... a...
in-ter-es-tin'... big... ol'... tou-rist... trap..., Pil-grim."
"Think he's got tha' pained 'xpression on his face
from listenin' ta everybody's bad
impressions of him,
Pil-grim."
"Hey... Maybe this ain't just a big ol' tourist trap...
C'mon over here, 'Dread'..."
"Wha'?"
"Damn. Ben woulda loved this...
Oh... Uh... Sorry, Ed."
"'S okay.
I know he were part a yer life."
"Jus' fer a l'il while..."
"Ya said he had a thing fer Buffalo Bill, didn' ya?"
"Yep. Carried tha' book 'bout Buffalo Bill
'round with him everywheres... like it were his bible
or somethin'."
"As good as any I guess...
So's long as he didn' thump folks with it."
"Nah...
He were more the live 'n let live type."
"Tha's good."
"Yeah. Hey...
Ya know wha' 'm gonna do, 'Dread'?
Think 'm gonna get ya a whole get up like Buffalo Bill here...
'S kinda a fantasy a mine... You in them high boots
'n all tha' fringe 'n all..."
"As you wish, Buttercup."
"Gotta admit...
I 'xpected more of an argument from ya."
"Jus' tryin' ta be agreeable..."
"You jus' don' think I'll ever really do it, do ya?"
"Nope.
Hey... Lookit this here, Hank..."
"Tha's somethin' alrigh'."
"Here's an article 'bout the fella."
"'S purty amazin'.... The detail 'n all"
"Sure is.
Tha' Ernie fella had his self a real talent."
"20,000 pieces the sign said?"
"Yep. In twelve years."
"Lessee...
tha's 20,000 divided by 12...
Shit... 1... 8 leftover... 6... 8 leftover...
Makes it 'bout 1,666 figures carved a year...
divided by 365 days... Shit...
Lemme see..."
"'Bout...
...four... four 'n a half... pieces
carved a day.
"Damn.
Tha's a whole helluva lotta
whittlin'."
"You can say tha' again, Hank."
"Damn."
"Guess poor ol' Ernie really needed
ta do some relaxin'."
"Yep."
"Used ta do a fair amount a whittlin' m'self."
"Ya did, didn' ya?"
"Yep... 'Fore we got together permanent-like...
Afterwards... didn' need it so much."
"Ya didn', huh?"
"Nope. Had you 'round ta help me release all tha' there
uh... tension... tha' builds up."
"How come it's okay fer you ta say tha' kinda stuff
but not fer me?"
"I dunno... Just is."
"Well... Least-wise 'm good fer somethin'."
"Yep. Damn good."
"'N least-wise ya got whittlin' ta fall back on
in case I run outta steam first."
"Tha's purty funny...
You runnin' outta steam first...
If'n yer the one tha' runs outta steam first
I'll dress up like Buffalo Bill on my own.
Thigh-high boots 'n all."
"If''n I run outta steam first
that wouldn' do me much good... Would it?"
"Maybe it'd give ya a l'il kickstart."
"Maybe it would at tha'."
"'N if not...
At least it'd give ya a good laugh."
"True 'nough."
And a little ways down the road...
"Wha' the hell is tha'?"
"Mus' be tha' Great Platte River Road Archway monument...
Tha' fella I was talkin' to earlier told me 'bout it."
"Sounds like a big ol' committee musta come up with tha' name.
S'pose ya wanna stop there too..."
"Nope. Jus' wanna get you in our tent 'n take advantage
of yer agreeable disposition ta day..."
Before one of us runs outta
steam 'n all..."
"As you wish, Buttercup."
"Tha's what I like ta hear, 'Dread'."
"So's... What's the real reason ya don' wanna stop?"
"Fella said it were kinda lame
'n it costs ten dollars a piece ta get in."
And later yet...
"So's, Hank... How 'bout it...?
You wanna be Buttercup, John Wayne, Ernie or...?
Jeez... got a whole lot ta choose from ta day...
cain't even remember 'em all...
Ooomph... Hey..."
"Ya know damn well I wanna be the dinosaur.
Definitely the dinosaur."
"As you wish. Ouch!"
"You okay, 'Dread'?"
"Think this 'as you wish' stuff migh' jus' be the end a me."
"Well... ta borrow from tha' movie again...
Nobody ever said true love
would be a snap."
"Tha' there 'Nobody' musta
known you real well."
"'N you too, dumbass.
Ya put me through the wringer
more 'n once."
"Guess so..."
"So's...
if'n ya don' think it'll kill ya...
How 'bout ya do justa few more things...
you know... 'as I wish'?"
"Think I migh' be able ta manage tha'...
So's long as ya don' get too
carried 'way."
"Good.
Now, pay attention, 'Dread'...
This could get a l'il complicated. Feel free ta take notes.
First... I'd like ya ta take tha' fine mouth a yers
'n kiss the hell outta me...
'N then..."
"Cain't ya jus' tell me whatcha want
as we go 'long?"
"Won' work.
Once ya kiss the hell outta me
ain't no way I'll be able ta remember the rest. So's...
As I was sayin' 'fore ya interrupted me...
After that I wantcha ta..."
"Dammit, Hank... Wouldya stop writin'
'n turn off the damn computer so's I can go ta sleep..?
I gotta whole lot ta do tomorrow."
"You still mad at me?"
"Yep."
"C'mon Ed, ya gotta admit it were purty funny."
"Don' gotta admit nothin'."
"Ya know damn well I had no idea
Betty 'n her mom would bring a pie over this afternoon...
Or I wouldna left 'em in there like tha'."
"......"
"'Ain't nothin' like one a Enid's home made pies."
Appreciate ya takin' a picture of it.
I bet it were mighty tasty."
"It sure was tasty.
But don' thank me fer the picture.
Bill saw the camera on the table 'n he took it
'cause he knows just how crazy ya are
'bout takin' pictures a stuff."
"Ya know damn well I woulda
grabbed 'em outta there real quick-like
if'n I'd a been here."
"But ya weren't here."
"Ain't my fault I went ta town ta day.
Them errands had ta be run."
"......"
"'N don' ferget...
Yer the one tha' bought 'em fer me...
'N yer the one tha' started it in the first place...
Puttin' 'em in the shower first
'n then in..."
"Yeah...
But I never left 'em where other folks
would find 'em."
"Now why on earth would I think Betty's mom would
come over here ta day 'n go inta
our freezer fer ice cream?"
"Still... Bill mighta."
"Bill don' gen'rally go in the freezer no more.
Least-wise not since we got tha' new one with the ice 'n water in the door.
Sure am glad our old one fin'lly kicked the bucket.
Was jus' 'bout ready ta shoot it m'self
'n put it outta its misery."
"Wished I never bought 'em fer ya.
No self-respectin' ranch store shoulda been
sellin' 'em anyways."
"C'mon, Ed... Ya know damn well
you've had just as much fun with 'em as I have. 'Sides...
Ya said yer self everbody jus' laughed at 'em...
includin' Betty's mom."
"It were jus' lucky she weren't holdin' tha' pie at the time...
She prob'bly woulda dropped it."
"Bet ya never woulda forgiven me
if'n tha' had happened."
"I ain't forgiven ya yet, dumbass."
"I ain't forgiven you yet neither."
"Fer what?"
"I dunno... I'll think a somethin'."
"Why the hell'd ya put 'em in the freezer anyways?"
"'Same reason ya put 'em in the shower...
'n in my t-shirt drawer... 'Cause it were funny, dumbass.
'N sides... I jus' thought Edthedinosaur 'n Hankthedinosaur
migh' wanna take a vacation... Ya know ta one a
them there ice hotels."
"Yer nuts, ya know tha', dontcha?"
"Coulda been worse...
I coulda had a three-way goin' on on the kitchen table
with Artthedinosaur 'n Jerrythedinosaur
'n Erniethedinosaur too."
"Least-wise I woulda seen tha' 'fore Betty 'n Enid did...
'n I coulda moved 'em quick. C'mon, Hank...
Turn the damn computer off."
"Justa sec..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A488SXCpoxY
"Think yer funny, dontcha?"
"Jus' thought maybe it'd help ta melt
tha' cold, cold heart a yers..."
"Don' think so.
Maybe if'n ya'd put on the Hank Williams' version..."
"So's... 'xactly how mad at me are ya, 'Dread'?"
"C'mon over here 'n I'll show ya."
"As you wish, dumbass."
"As I wish, huh?"
"Yep. As you wish.
However you wish. Whatever you wish.
Whenever you wish. Wherever you wish. 'N with whoever you wish.
So's long as whoever is me."
"Wha' 'bout right here, right now
'n doin' it how I left 'em in yer t-shirt drawer
the other day?"
"As you wish. 'N good choice by the way.
So's... Ya wanna jump right in withou' no preamble...
or work up ta it slow-like?"
"Work up ta it. Definitely work up ta it. Kinda slow-like.
But I'll leave the details up ta you."
"As you wish."
"I could get used ta this 'As you wish' stuff."
"Wouldn' if'n I were you."
"Damn...
Watch them teeth a yers..."
"Cain't help it, 'Dread'... 'M a dinosaur."
---
"Hey, 'Dread', you 'wake...?"
"Mmmmmph...? Wha'...?"
"You ever gonna tell me where ya hid
the rest a tha' pie?"
"Ya woke me up outta a sound sleep just ta ask me
where tha' damn pie is...?"
"Weren't sure if'n you were sleepin' or not."
"I bet."
"So... Ya gonna tell me?"
"Nope."
"Figured as much."
"Then why the hell did ya wake me up?"
"Thought maybe there'd be a slight chance
tha' you'd tell me after I fulfilled yer wishes so thorough-like 'n all...
Least-wise it sure as hell sounded like I did anyways...
Or were you jus' chantin' my name 'n God's
in order 'ta pass the time?"
"Go ta sleep, dumbass."
"As you wish, dumbass."
---
"Hey, Hank...?"
"Yeah, Ed?"
"The pie's in the laundry room. Sittin' on top a the washer.
Figured no way ya'd ever look in there."
"True 'nough. Ya wanna piece?"
"Guess maybe I could go fer a piece."
"Ya wan' it with ice cream?"
"Nah... Could go fer it with
a slice a cheddar cheese though."
"Ugh."
"Wha'd ya say?"
"Uh... I said... As you wish."
"Sure ya did."
"I'll be righ' back."
---
"Here's yer pie... Cheese 'n all."
"Thanks, Hank."
"'S good."
"Yep."
"Best we had in a while."
"Yep."
"So... I ran inta Edthedinosaur
in the laundry room..."
"Ya didn' disturb him too, did ya?"
"Didn' wanna...
He looked so content-like.
But I had ta intrude in order ta get us
some a tha' there pie."
"He does like his self some pie."
"He sure does."
"Yep."
"Maybe even more'n he likes Hankthedinosaur...?"
"Nah... that just ain't possble."
"Love ya, dumbass."
"Love you too, dumbass."
---
"Hey, Ed...?"
"Yeah, Hank...?"
"Didn' see Hankthedinosaur in the laundry room...
Where's he at?"
"Uh... I don' 'xactly know..."
"Whaddya mean, 'ya don' 'xactly know'?"
"Jus' turned my back fer a minute is all...
'n Edthedog run off with him."
"Great."
"'M sure we'll find him sooner or later."
"Yeah..."
"Prob'bly later."
"Shit."
---