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Road Trippin' with Ed and Hank (22)
The good, the bad 'n the ugly...
Welcome back to the original road trip (at least briefly) for all of you who haven't already gotten off at a previous exit...
Note: Hank's laggin' behind some, so the more current part of this chapter took place in April. There will eventually be a part two to this part, which Hank hopes to get around to writin' about before he forgets who said what... only problem is ranch life and computer problems are still interferin' some with his writin' time. Also, Hank isn't sure if he's used this chapter title before, but he's too lazy to look, so he just hopes he hasn't. Disclaimer: Hank told their story to Annie Proulx. Jack and Ennis are all hers. Ed and Hank belong only to each other. Rating: G $$: Nope. Comments: Always appreciated.
Everything else is here:
http://myeyesaintblue.livejournal.com/10082.html
The good, the bad 'n the ugly...
"So's, Hank... You know fer sure where we're goin' tomorrow...?"
"I wrote the directions down when we talked ta Iris yesterday.
We'll pick her up in Madison tomorrow afternoon."
"Hope she don't mind cuttin' her visit short like tha'...
After drivin' there with her friends 'n all fer tha' weddin'."
"Ya know damn well she don't mind, Ed.
'N I told her tha' we wouldn' got no problem takin' longer ta get there...
There's always somethin' ta see... 'N if'n there ain't... Well...
I got you ta keep me plenty occupied. "
"You didn' tell her tha' last part... didya...?"
"Yes I did. Ya know how much I love
talkin' 'bout our sex life with yer daughter."
"Cut it out, Hank."
"So's ya don't want me talkin' to Iris
'bout our sex life...?"
"You are such a dumbass sometimes..."
"So's ya do want me talkin' ta Iris
'bout our sex life...?"
"Keep it up, dumbass...
'n there won't be no sex life ta talk about."
"Ya shouldn' go around makin' threats
ya cain't keep."
"Shit... I gotta admit...
'm sure lookin' forward ta seein' Iris...
but 'm still awful nervous 'bout goin' ta Chicago.
I know we been there once before...
But still... 'S a real big city..."
"It'll be jus' fine, Ed...
Ya don't got nothin' ta be nervous about...
'N we don't gotta do nothin' tha' ya don't wanna do..."
"Tha's wha' ya said last time..."
"Wha'd I make ya do last time tha' ya didn' wanna do...?"
"Go ta Chicago."
"I didn' make ya go. Iris made ya go."
"True. But you wanted ta go."
"So's 'm not s'posed ta even wanna go...?"
"Nope."
"Tha' don't make no sense."
"Never said it did.
So's... how we gonna spend ta day...?
Or maybe I shouldn' ask..."
"I got a few ideas..."
"I jus' bet ya do.
You been talkin' ta folks again?"
"Yep. Best way ta find out wha' migh' be interestin'."
"This here l'il town's kinda purty..."
"Sure is... Ya wanna stop?"
"Nope. I ain't hungry.
...'lessen ya see a bakery...
Ya don't see no bakery... do ya...?"
"Ya know, Ed...
There could be other reasons fer stoppin' in a town
'sides jus' ta get somethin' ta eat..."
"Maybe. But not many good ones."
"Hey... lookit tha'..."
"Shit..."
"Wha's wrong...?"
"Now 'm jus' missin' them dogs again..."
"Hey, Hank...!"
"Jeez, Ed...
How many times do I gotta tell ya...
Ya don't gotta yell... Yer tryin' ta kill me aren't ya...?
I betcha ya took out a life insurance policy on me or somethin'...
'n yer gonna be livin' the life a Riley
once I'm gone..."
"Don't know this Riley fella... 'N I like livin' my own life jus' fine.
So's... How come we jus' went grocery shoppin' 'n somehow there still
ain't nothin' ta eat in this house?"
"'Damned if I know...
Maybe Bill eats it all when we ain't lookin'."
"We should prob'bly keep an eye on him..."
"You go right ahead 'n do tha'."
"So's whatcha doin, Hank...?
As if I don't know the answer ta tha'..."
"Then why the hell didya ask?"
"'Cause 'm kinda bored..."
"Thought I'd try 'n get back ta writin' 'bout the trip...
'S been so long I'm afraid 'm fergettin' what all happened..."
"Or maybe not much happened..."
"Tha' could be it too.
'N it's kinda startin' ta feel like tha' 'Neverendin' Story'..."
"Jus' remember... you said tha', not me...
So's... Where 'bouts are ya...?"
"Wisconsin. Jus' picked it up again...
after ya interrupted me with tha' last campin' trip..."
"You complainin'...?"
"'Bout goin' somewheres...? Never. But..."
"But, wha'...?"
"I sure hate ta tell ya this...
But I think 'm missin' most a our pictures a Madison...
Includin' all them ones with Iris... Musta lost 'em like I lost them other ones...
when I transferred 'em from the laptop ta our computer..
Damn computers."
"Ya lost them ones of all a us
sittin' by tha' lake 'n drinkin' beer?"
"Think so... But...
I took some a you 'n Iris with her camera too...
So's I can have her send 'em to us. Wanted ta frame one a those fer ya...
Maybe blow it up some first... Like I did with that other picture of us...
the one of us by them two big ol' trees..."
"Tha'd be real nice, Hank... 'N I liked how them pictures a us
by them trees turned out..."
"Thanks... But I still gotta tell ya more...
I lost most a the pictures a tha' Dickeyville Grotto too...
Think maybe I got one left..."
"Was prob'bly God's way a smitin' ya..."
"Prob'bly."
"But... ta tell ya the truth...
I didn't like tha' religious stuff
so's much anyways..."
"I know ya didn't, Ed...
'N I appreciate you lettin' me drag ya there...
After I heard 'bout it I jus' couldn' resist goin' ta take a look..."
"Didn' mind so's much...
But I liked that one fella's house 'n yard more...
even though it were a lot simpler-like 'n there weren't so much of it...
Or maybe because a tha'... 'n least-wise his stuff
were a l'il more amusin'..."
"'S yer lucky day then... I didn' lose them pictures..."
"Ya migh' not a lost 'em...
but it sure looks like somethin' else happened to 'em..."
"I jus' messed with them two a l'il...
Seemed ta suit 'em."
"'N 'xactly how long did ya spend on tha'
while I were out workin' ta keep a roof over our heads...?"
"The roof's leakin' again...?"
"Justa figure a speech, dumbass."
"Well... Ta answer yer question, dumbass...
'Bout five seconds each. Here... I'll show ya even..."
"Tha's all...?"
"Yep. Computers make stuff like tha' real easy."
"Hey... Didn' occur ta me at the time...
D'ya think tha' were Snow White 'n them seven dwarfs?"
"I dunno... Didn' occur ta me neither...
I was jus' thinkin' it were a woman with some elves 'round her..."
Prob'bly on accounta there weren't seven of 'em 'n all...
Maybe someone made off with a few of 'em...
Or they broke or somethin'..."
"Betcha I could name 'em all them dwarfs now..."
"Betcha ya could too...
So's I ain't takin' tha' bet."
"Hey, Hank...
Wha's the diff'rence 'tween elves 'n dwarfs?"
"I ain't 'xactly an expert...
Jus' struck me as bein' elves fer some reason."
"Coulda sworn you considered yer self an expert
on anythin' 'n everythin'..."
"Real sorry ta disappoint ya.
Guess I could read up on it 'n get back ta ya..."
"S'prised any a them statues were still standin'...
Didn' ya say they were kinda abandoned in the sixties...?"
"Think so. I cain't 'xactly remember.
Least-wise they got folks workin' ta protect 'em now."
"'N least-wise they weren't 'xactly on a main road or nothin'..."
"Yeah... Tha' was prob'bly ta their benefit in the long run..."
"'N d'ya remember tha' quote from tha' fella...? It kinda stuck in my head...
'If'n a man cain't be happy on a l'il farm in Wisconsin...
Then he don't got the makin's a happiness
in his soul'."
"Yeah... I remember tha'... 'N it sure seems like he were happy 'nough.
But I don' think it's tha' simple fer a lotta folks..."
"Guess it ain't..."
"'N it weren't even tha' simple fer him...
Tha' fella traveled to a whole lotta places in this here world
'fore he found his happiness on tha'
l'il farm in Wisconsin."
"Ya know... I found my happiness on a big ol' mountain... Or more like it found me... Kinda blindsided me 'n all... Then I lost it fer 'bout three years... But I found it again... in a l'il motel... Then I put a whole lotta miles on my poor ol' truck drivin' back 'n forth ta spend a few weeks a year with it 'til I finally managed ta settle down with it on a rundown ol' ranch... 'N then me 'n it have been livin' happily ever after ever since... Most of the time anyways... 'n so's far..."
"So's far, huh...?"
"Yep. So's far."
"Guess I shoulda had you write our story...
Woulda been done in no time flat..."
"Yep."
"Hold on a second..."
"Whatcha doin'...?"
"I'm writin' down watcha jus' said in puttin' it inta this other program..
so's I can check how many words it is..."
"Why the hell d'ya care how many words it is...?"
"Looks like just one more word in you woulda told our whole story
in a one-hund'erd word drabble..."
"I got another word fer ya... How 'bout 'dumbass'...?
That'll prob'bly fit in there somewheres..."
"Think I'll jus' leave it at ninety-nine words...
If'n it's all the same ta you..."
"It's all the same ta me."
"Thought it migh' be."
"But.. wha' tha' fella said...
D'ya think there are some folks tha' really don't got
the makin's a happiness in their souls?"
"I dunno, Ed...
Tha' seems like a real harsh thing ta say...
Think there's a helluva lotta unhappy folks in this here world...
'N there's a whole lotta folks tha' don't even got the time
ta worry about whether they're happy or not...
But I doubt tha' means they don't got
the makin's a happiness
in their souls..."
"Tell ya... fer a long time there I never woulda thought
that I ever coulda been happy..."
"Yeah. I know, Ed...
Guess the important thing is ta not give up 'til ya find it..."
"Or 'til it finds you 'n drags ya inta a tent..."
"'N ya better hope that ya ain't too pig-headed ta recognize it
fer what it is when it gets there..."
"Yeah... I guess I almos' didn't...
'Course... Ya cain't hardly blame me though...
It showin' up jus' lookin' like a big ol dumbass 'n all..."
"Thanks a lot."
"But least-wise I did..."
"Eventually."
"Ya know, Hank... I cain't help but wonder..."
"Wha'...?"
"If'n tha' fella's wife were happy with all a tha' stuff
in her front yard..."
"Gotta admit... his wife did look a l'il put upon
in tha' picture we saw of her..."
"I know the feelin'."
"Yer put upon, huh...?"
"Yep. Happy... but put upon.
Real put upon."
"Ya know it could be worse... Least-wise I don' got no statue
of a half-naked mermaid in the front yard..."
"'N don' think I ain't real thankful fer tha', Hank."
"'Course if'n I were gonna put a half-naked statue in the front yard
it'd more likely be one a Neptune or Poseidon or some kinda merman...
'Course mine would be a helluva lot better lookin'...
'cause it'd be modeled on you..."
"Great. That'd be jus' great."
"Maybe I could start tomorrow...
You got time ta pose fer me...? We got a pitchfork in the barn...
But I ain't sure where I'll find a crown fer ya..."
"Maybe I can jus' re-fold tha' tin-foil hat a yers
so's it looks more like a crown..."
"Hey... That ain't a bad idea...
'Course I cain't never take mine off... It'd be too dangerous...
but I bet I could make you a real nice crown
outta tin-foil..."
"Shit."
"'N ya know...
tha' house a theirs kinda reminded me a ours...
'Bout the same size 'n shape 'n all... Maybe ours is a l'il bigger...
'N our porch ain't near so's fancy-like... But..."
"You go puttin' all tha' stucco 'n whatnot on our poor ol' house
'n it's gonna collapse under the weight a it all..."
"Maybe I could jus' start with the shed..."
"Hell... Tha' shed's liable ta collapse if'n ya jus' look at it too hard...
'Specially now tha' ya cleaned out all tha' stuff
tha' was helpin' ta hold it up..."
"True 'nough... Damn...
Well... Guess I could try ta build one a them 'Forevertrons'....
Remember...? Tha' thing tha' fella was buildin' behind tha' surplus store...
Think tha's more up my alley anyways..."
"It'd be real hard ta ferget tha'...
Even if'n ya tried..."
"Now there was somethin' worth buildin'..."
"Yeah... Tha'd be a whole lot better...
Think tha' guy were crazier than you are, Hank..."
"I believe, once again, the word yer lookin' fer is 'eccentric'."
"Bet 'eccentric' ain't what his wife calls him."
"Ya shouldn' go makin' them kinda assumptions about folks, Ed...
Fer all you know tha' fella migh' be gay..."
"In tha' case... I bet 'eccentric' ain't what his husband calls him."
"Thought ya didn' care fer the word 'husband'...?
'N now tha' would be the second time ya've used it
in the past few months..."
"Didn' know you was keepin' track..."
"Kinda hard ta miss tha' particular word
comin' outta yer mouth."
"Well... I don't much care fer it. But...
Seein' as there ain't no other word available...
Guess 'm stuck with it."
"Mus' be a hardship fer ya."
"I'll manage somehow."
"So's, Hank... Seein' all these pictures is remindin' me of another one...
D'ya still got tha' picture I took a tha' sign on tha' truck...
Remember...? When we were drivin'
through Salt Lake City..."
"Ain't sure I know which one yer talkin' 'bout..."
"'Was 'round the beginnin' a July I think... Or maybe the end a June...
Woulda been tha' day ya saw tha' 'Siesta Motel' sign... 'n we..."
"I remember that day real good... Hold on a sec...
Yep... Here's them pictures..."
"Go back... Woulda been before ya took a picture
a tha' motel sign..."
"Tell me if'n ya see it..."
"There it is... That one..."
"This one, huh...?"
"Yep... Tha's the one...
So's 'm thinkin'... 'If'n we ever go anywheres again...
we should get us a sign like that one
ta put on the back of our truck."
"Be glad ta put whatever sign' you migh' want on the truck
whenever yer willin' ta go somewheres again..."
"Prob'bly cain't afford nothin' fer a good while...
'Sides maybe a few days campin' nearby ev'ry now 'n again..."
"Yeah... Prob'bly not... But... speakin' a signs...
I kinda got m'self a dilemma here..."
"Wha's tha'...?"
"Ain't sure if'n I should put up a picture
a tha' there billboard we saw... Ya know that one 'round Madison...
'Course that picture didn' disappear..."
"Couldn' 'xactly ferget tha'... Shit..."
"'Fraid I already spend way too much time railin' 'gainst them bible thumpers... But... I wrote 'bout tha' fella at tha' camp-lot 'n 'bout tha' jeweler 'n some a tha' other stuff... 'cause it is part a our story... 'N I try 'n include mostly the good... but sometimes I jus' cain't ignore the bad 'n the ugly..."
"Looks like it's got God's phone number on it... maybe you could jus' give him a call 'n ask him."
"Prob'bly go straight ta voicemail... 'Sides... Don' think tha's the particular god I wanna be askin' questions of..."
"Hey, Hank...?"
"Yeah?"
"Nevermind..."
"Wha'...?"
"'It weren't nothin'..."
"Don't sound like nothin'... C'mon, Ed... spit it out..."
"It's jus' tha'... D' ya...? D'ya ever wonder 'bout them bible thumpers...?"
"'Course I do. I was wonderin' 'bout 'em righ' this minute..."
"I mean... D'ya ever wonder... D'ya ever wonder if'n... if'n they migh' be right...? What if'n it is wrong after all... Us... I mean... Wha' we do... 'n all..."
"Shit. You ain't havin' some kinda religious relapse on me... are ya...?"
"I dunno... I jus' been thinkin' 'bout it a lot lately... 'Bout maybe it bein' wrong..."
"Hell... Goddamit, Ed... You were jus' talkin' not three minutes ago 'bout bein' happy... 'n we just 'xchanged rings not even four months ago... 'n yer the one that had all them plans fer gettin' hitched if'n we can ever do it legal-like... 'n... 'n ya cain't be serious... Ya jus' cain't be serious... Tell me ya ain't serious..."
"'Jus' sayin', dumbass... Maybe it is wrong... Wha' we do... 'n all... Ya know... Real wrong..."
"Real wrong... huh...?"
"Yeah. 'N bad too."
"How bad...?"
"Real bad."
"So's... I s'pose if'n I kissed ya like... this..."
"Mmmm..."
"Tha'd be bad...?"
"Yeah. Real bad. 'N wrong too."
"Real wrong...?"
"Yeah. Real wrong."
"'N how 'bout if'n I did somethin' like... this...?"
"Damn... Jeez, Hank... Even worse... Prob'bly lead ta a whole lotta wailin' 'n gnashin' a teeth 'n rendin' a garments..."
"Ya don't say...?"
"I do say. 'N tha's just us... Who knows what it migh' 'cause them bible thumpers ta do if'n they caught sight a us... Might even turn some of 'em queer..."
"Ya know... I think maybe I could be inspired ta be a whole lot badder if'n I put some music on..."
"There's a big s'prise..."
"I'm tha' predictable, huh...?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDvFgG_gTCw
"Yep. You sure are."
"Well you sure ain't..."
"Jus' don't wantcha gettin' all bored with me..."
"It'd be a real cold day in hell 'fore I got bored with you, Ed..."
"Wait a minute... Wha' the hell is that...?"
"Jus' somethin' a l'il wicked..."
"Monks singin' 'Wicked Game'...? Shit... Tell ya, Hank... If'n I weren't havin' a religious relapse before... I think I jus' migh' start now... "
"Sorry, Ed... Lemme turn that one off 'n put on the original version... Don' wantcha ta start havin' flashbacks or nothin'... 'Sides... I know we got the cd here somewheres... so's I can set it ta repeat... Yep... Here it is..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bEiREbuh4s
"I was jus' kiddin' again, dumbass... If'n ya can recall back ta a minute ago... I'm the one tha' started it... So's ya don't gotta switch it..."
"Guess ya did start it... But I think this version is better suited ta our purposes anyways..."
"'N the only thing tha' song gives me flashbacks of is our first summer ta gether... 'n some a them years after..."
"Yeah..."
"Sure didn' wanna fall in love with ya, Hank... Tried my level best not ta..."
"I know ya did, Ed... 'N fer once I'm glad yer level best weren't good enough."
"Me too, Hank."
"'N I tried real hard not ta fall fer you too..."
"Doubt ya tried all that hard..."
"Prob'bly not. So's, Ed... How 'bout we stop talkin'... 'n I show ya 'xactly how bad I can be..."
"Tha' sounds good. Real good..."
"C'mere, dumbass..."
Later...
"You asleep, Hank...?"
"Almost. Ya 'bout did me in."
"Tell ya somethin'... Tha' there farm in Wisconsin ain't got nothin' on our l'il ranch in the West... Ya know... happiness-wise 'n all..."
"It sure as hell don't."
"G'night, Hank..."
"G'night, Ed..."