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Ed and Hank
One joke over the line... Sweet Jesus...
This didn't take place anytime near Valentine's Day, it happened last summer, but Hank thought it might do for a Valentine's Day post since their Valentine's Day was downright uninterestin' because Ed had a real bad cold (that Hank gave him).
Disclaimer: Hank told their story to Annie Proulx. Jack and Ennis are all hers. Ed and Hank belong only to each other. Rating: G $$: Nope.
Links to all previous posts are here:
http://myeyesaintblue.livejournal.com/10082.html
One joke over the line... Sweet Jesus...
"Hey...! Charlie...! Get a horse, why dontcha...?!?"
"Dammit, Hank."
"Wha'...?"
"Whaddya think...? Stop yellin' at Charlie."
"He don't mind."
"Yeah. Right. He jus' flipped ya off' 'cause he likes ya yellin' at him so much."
"He does like it. 'N he thoroughly enjoys flippin' me off too."
"Well... maybe he don't like it so's much as ya think... Ya know his wife made him move ta town... 'n I bet he ain't too happy about it."
"She didn't make him... They had to... on accounta her health problems..."
"Yeah... well either way I bet he ain't too happy about it."
"He seemed perfectly fine when I talked ta him last week... said he's adjustin' jus' fine... 'n he said his wife's doin' better... bein' able ta get more regular doctorin' 'n all..."
"Well that's good... tha' she's doin' better... but... quit yellin' at him anyways."
"Fine. I won't yell at him no more..."
"Yer only givin' in 'cause we're past him 'n he cain't hear ya no more."
"Yep."
"Dumbass."
"So's, Ed...?"
"Yeah, Hank... I'd move ta town fer ya... if'n I had ta."
"That ain't what I was gonna ask."
"Yeah, it was."
"Okay... maybe it was... But... ya would, huh...?"
"'Course I would, dumbass..."
"Thanks, Ed."
"...if'n I absolutely, positively had ta... Ya know... if''n it was a matter a life or death... 'n if'n there weren't no other alternative... like puttin' ya in tha' new retirement home... probably couldn't afford that anyways... 'n besides... they'd most likely put ya out on the curb the minute ya opened yer mouth 'n started singin'..."
"I doubt I'd be doin' much singin' if'n ya stuck me in there... Hell... Ya might as well jus' drive me ta ta town 'n drop me off 'n let me fend fer m'self..."
"Maybe I could jus' drive ya ta the main road 'n from there you could hitch a ride in ta town... gas is still purty expensive ya know..."
"Or you could always jus' wait 'til ya had some errands ta run..."
"I guess I could do tha'... 'course... if'n I jus' drop ya off like tha'... with my luck... someone would jus' pick ya up 'n bring ya back out ta the ranch... 'n then I'd jus' be back where I started..."
"Tha'd be a real shame."
"But... I got another idea..."
"I cain't wait ta hear it..."
"Ya know... Charlie... Maybe he could come out 'n live with me on the ranch... 'n you 'n his wife could move in together..."
"You got a thing fer Charlie, huh...?"
"I'm jus' sayin'... It migh' work out real well..."
"But... you bring Charlie out ta the ranch 'n I bet Bill'd get awful jealous... He's used ta sharin' ya with me... I was there first after all... but you bring in some new guy 'n there's no tellin' wha' Bill would do..."
"Somehow I think Bill would manage..."
"'Well yer gonna hafta wait a helluva long time ta find out... 'cause I don't got no plans on havin' ta move ta town... ever... But... wait a minute..."
"Wha'...?"
"I do believe... Mr. Ed 'I'm justa big ol' prude-except-when-I'm-behind-closed-doors- 'n-then-whoa-boy-ya'd-better-watch-out' Smith... just made a joke about him 'n another guy gettin' together... 'N I ain't entirely sure... but I don't believe ya've ever done tha' before... except with Matt Damon... I do remember you sayin' whatcha'd like ta do with him..."
"Who says I was jokin'...?"
"Hell... Next thing I know you'll be suggestin' a threesome..."
"No way, Hank."
"Wouldya prefer you 'n me 'n Bill...? Or you 'n me 'n Charlie...? 'Course we could go fer a foursome... but... if'n I had ta choose between Charlie 'n Bill... Hmmmm... Charlie's a good bit older than us... but tha' shouldn't automatic'lly knock him outta the runnin'... ya know wha' they say... it ain't the years 'n yer life tha' count but the life in yer years... 'N considerin' how he likes ta show off... wha' with him always wearin' them tight t-shirts 'n tight jeans tha' don't leave much of anythin' ta the imagination... I'd say there's still some life left in his years... 'N then there's..."
"Ya might as well stop righ' there... It'll hafta be you 'n Charlie 'n Bill... 'cause I'll be too busy packin' my bags 'n movin' out."
"Hey... then maybe you could move in with Charlie's wife..."
"Maybe I will anyways."
"I do believe you mighta got yer nose pushed a l'il outta joint..."
"Says the fella tha' did the pushin'."
"Ya know damn well yer all I need in this world, dumbass."
"'N yer too much sometimes."
"Fer makin' one lousy joke about a threesome... or a foursome... with two straight fellas...? Hell... I'm the one tha' should have my nose pushed outta joint 'cause yer the one who started it... talkin' about stickin' me in a home 'n Charlie movin' in with ya... How's tha' part about Charlie any diff'rent...? 'N lemme answer tha' fer ya while I'm at it... IT AIN'T NO DIFF'RENT."
"It is so diff'rent... 'N no way did I start it. You started it... by askin' me a dumbass question ya already knew the answer to."
"I never asked it... You jus' answered it."
"You were gonna ask it... ya said so yerself..."
"Well... maybe I was... but you still started it..."
"I did not."
"Did so. 'N I know damn well ya'd resent the hell outta it if'n ya really had ta move ta town on accounta me..."
"Then why the hell were ya gonna ask me about it in the first place?"
"See... Yer admittin' it... You would resent it."
"I would not."
"Ya would so. Ya just as much as said so."
"Hell... Ya know damn well I wouldn't be nowheres near happy about it... but no way would I resent ya over it... There's a helluva lotta diff'rence 'tween the two... 'N I'd adjust... jus' like Charlie is... 'cause that's whatcha do when ya love someone... 'N ya know damn well I was jus' kiddin' about all tha'... the retirement home 'n movin' in with Charlie 'n whatnot..."
"Yeah. I do know you were kiddin'... 'N you know damn well I was kiddin' about tha' threesome, dumbass."
"Well I ain't so sure about tha'..."
"You are such a colossal dumbass sometimes... Hell... ya know damn well I was jus' runnin' my mouth... 'N only 'cause I thought you were past gettin' jealous about stuff like tha'..."
"Well... jokin' about it in gen'ral is one thing... I don't got no problem with tha'... But salivatin' over their... uh... individual assets... 'n actually pickin' which one of 'em ya'd wanna bed is another thing altogether..."
"That's why yer nose is pushed outta joint...? Hell... I weren't salivatin'... I was jus' ruminatin' on a hypo-thetical question..."
"That's bad enough... 'N don't you ever tell me which one ya woulda picked... 'cause that's somethin' I sure as hell don't wanna know."
"Well... what about tha' billboard of them male dancers in Vegas...? D'ya remember tha'...? I seem ta recall you pickin' out yer fav'rite..."
"That was a billboard, dumbass... Not fellas we know... 'n see all the time... 'N besides... I don't recall ever tellin' ya which one a them fellas on tha' billboard was my fav'rite..."
"So's... you admit you had a fav'rite...?"
"I ain't admittin' nothin'."
"Well... I'll add tha' ta my list a things I do that irritate Ed... 'In gen'ral... jokin' about bein' with other fellas is okay... so's long as I don't salivate... and or ruminate or speculate... I assume speculatin' is out too... over their specific indiviual assets... especially if'n we're friends with said fellas... or are acquainted with them and or see them on a regular basis'... Does that about cover it...?"
"Just about. Wait a minute... You got a list...?"
"Not yet... But ya know... keepin' a list like tha' wouldn't be a half bad idea."
"Yeah. It is a bad idea. A real bad idea."
"I can add tha' to it too... 'Havin' a list a things that irritate Ed irritates Ed'."
"Well... then maybe I'll just make up my own list..."
"Things you do that irritate me...? Fine with me... 'N I'd be happy ta help ya out with it..."
"Nope. Why waste a whole sheet a paper on justa couple a things...? My list's gonna be the same as yers... things you do that irritate the hell outta me... 'Course I'll prob'bly need ta get a few notebooks ta do it up proper-like..."
"It just figures you'd wanna re-do somethin' I was already doin' a fine job a doin'."
"You ain't started it yet, dumbass... 'N the way I figure it... keepin' a list like that's a two-man job... We can compare 'em ev'ry couple a weeks 'n come up with a master list tha' you can do yer best ta live by..."
"Live by...? Hell... I weren't gonna keep it ta live by... I jus' thought it'd be fun keepin' track... 'N consultin' it fer ideas if'n I feel like I'm gettin' in a rut..."
"Dumbass."
"Dumbass."
"Dumbass."
"Dumbass."
"You always gotta get the last word in, dontcha...?"
"Yep. Does that irritiate ya...?"
"You beat all."
"Thanks."
"It ain't a compliment."
"Sounds like one."
"Well it ain't."
"You sure...?"
"Positive."
"I think I'll take it as one anyways."
"Figures you would."
"It sure as hell does."
"Dumbass."
"Dumbass."
"Okay... I give up."
"So soon...?"
"Dumbass."
"Dumbass."
Later that night...
"Ed...?"
"Wha'...?"
"It's gettin' late... c'mon up ta bed..."
"You sure there's enough room fer me?"
"Don't worry... I sent ev'ryone else home... Charlie had a headache anyways... 'n Bill... well he jus' weren't that inta it withou' you around... 'N there was some other fella too... who's name I didn't catch... but he left with Bill..."
"You jus' don't know when ta quit, do ya...?"
"Might I point out... once again... you started it by askin' if'n there was room enough fer ya... 'N ta answer yer other question... the word 'quit' ain't in my vocabulary... Hell... if'n I did know how ta quit d'ya think you'd be livin under this here roof righ' now...?"
"It's been nigh' on thirty years since I moved in here... you could least-wise ease up on me some..."
"I'll take it under consideration. So's... you comin' ta bed.. or not...?"
"Maybe. But only on accounta if'n I don't someone else migh' beat me to it."
"Well ya'd better hurry it up then..."
"Dumbass."
"How 'bout I put some music on fer ya... Maybe Simon 'n Garfunkel's 'Cecilia'... Ya know... 'Makin' love in the afternoon with Cecilia up in our bedroom... I got up ta wash my face 'n when I came back to bed... someone'd taken my place'..."
"Thanks but no thanks."
"You wanna go righ' ta sleep, huh..?"
"Yep. Like ya said, it's gettin' late."
"Well... I'm puttin' on some music anyways..."
"Figures."
"Here..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYeDPhZ1FA4
"'N it figures it ain't country."
"Nope. It's Ms. Aretha Franklin..."
"Least-wise it's quiet. Thanks be fer small favors."
"'Ta make you laugh... I would be a fool fer you... although the people turn 'n stare... I really don't care'..."
"Well... ya got the fool part right anyways..."
"...'I'd give my ev'rythin' jus' ta keep you cowboy... It breaks my heart when you stay downstaaaaiirs... I'd stage a ballet on the table top..."
"Get the hell off tha' chair, Hank..."
"I cain't... I'm stagin' a ballet fer ya... only these low ceilin's are makin' it right impossible ta do the arm movements proper-like... '...And although I ain't got no tune..."
"You can say that again."
"...'n my show ain't gonna fly... I'll find the music there in yer eeeeeeeyes... Oh me, oh my... I'm a fool fer ya baby... Oh me, oh my... I am craaazy baby..."
"Crazy is righ'... Yer gonna break yer fool neck..."
"Hold on... I think I almost saw ya smile there..."
"Ya must be mistaken."
"'N ifn I cain't make ya laugh... I'd sure as hell settle fer one a them famous smiles a yers..."
"Watch it... now yer gonna break the bed, dumbass..."
"I need more room in order ta express m'self proper-like... 'N besides... if'n we ain't broke this here bed yet, I doubt it can be broke... Hey... There it was again... it was fleetin'... but it was definitely prit-near a full-on smile..."
"You are such a dumbass."
"I ain't a dumbass... Ain't ya listenin'... I'm a fool. A fool fer ya baby... Oh me... oh my... I am a to-tal 'n com-plete fool fer you, Ed baby..."
"C'mere, fool..."
"Wha' happened ta goin' righ' ta sleep...?"
"Maybe I changed my mind."
"Never underestimate the power of music..."
"Or a dumbass tryin' ta dance ta it."
"Not a dumbass, dumbass... A fool. I am a fool fer you... D'ya want me ta write it down fer ya so's you can remember...? 'Cause I will..."
"You are such a fool sometimes."
"I sure am."
"You sure are."
"A fool fer you."
"Still with the last word, huh...?"
"Yep. But... ya know... there are a couple a ways you can shut mmmph..."
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"...me up... 'N that was most definitely one of 'em..."
"Ya know... yer jus' lucky I'm a big ol' fool fer you too."
"I sure as hell am."
"You sure as hell are."
"That's what I said."
"Dumbass."
"How many times do I gotta tell ya...? I'm a fool... not a dumbmmmmph..."
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