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Ed and Hank
Part One of... Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world...
Note: This took place last year, in early summer. There are additional parts, but it might take a while for Hank to get to them 'cause him and Ed are taking off in a few days to go on an extended camping trip again.
Disclaimer: Hank told their story to Annie Proulx. Jack and Ennis are all hers. Ed and Hank belong only to each other. Rating: G $$: Nope.
Links to all previous posts are here:
http://myeyesaintblue.livejournal.com/10082.html
Part One of Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world...
(This took place last year, in early summer.)
"There's been a change a plans, Hank..."
"What're ya talkin' about...?"
"I just got a call from tha' real estate agent we listed my pa's house with... It fin'lly sold... 'N the closin's in two weeks... So's we can't leave fer Yellowstone in a week like we planned..."
"I thought she said we could take care of it all with emailin' 'n faxin' 'n whatnot...?"
"Yeah, she did... But... I'd prefer ta be there in person... ta make sure all the i's are dotted 'n the t's are crossed 'n whatnot..."
"This ain't yer way of sayin' ya changed yer mind about wantin' ta see yer pa... Is it...?"
"Don't you go startin' with tha'... 'N it sure as hell ain't... I just wanna make damn sure it's all done right... 'N just plain done..."
"Well... Vernal ain't tha' far from Yellowstone... So's why don't we head ta Yellowstone anyways 'n then from there head down ta Vernal 'n from Vernal head ta Chicago ta visit Iris..."
"Ya know how much I hate backtrackin'..."
"Which is 'xactly why I didn't use the word."
"'N we were gonna stay in Yellowstone longer than tha'... so's no way am I goin' up ta Yellowstone 'n then backtrackin' ta Vernal 'n then backtrackin' back ta Yellowstone..."
"We could leave a week early..."
"Ya know we cain't... Bill's nephew ain't available 'til next week..."
"Well... How 'bout we head somewheres else on the way ta Vernal...? I wouldn' mind goin' back ta Capitol Reef National Park... 'N then we can head ta Vernal fer the closin' on the house... 'n go ta Yellowstone from there..."
"I'd rather just stay here 'til we gotta go ta Vernal... I'm gonna be nervous enough about goin' back there again as it is..."
"There ain't nothin' ta be nervous about, Ed... 'N besides... you can be nervous anywheres... 'n campin'll help take yer mind off it..."
"I dunno, Hank..."
"C'mon, Ed... I've been goin' kinda stir-crazy lately..."
"Okay... I'll agree ta go ta Capitol Reef on our way ta Vernal on one condition..."
"What's tha'...?"
"You don't mention my pa again... Not now. Not later. Not ever."
"Fine. I won't mention him... But..."
"And no 'buts'."
"Fine. No 'buts'."
"Good."
"Although... it ain't gonna be easy..."
"Dumbass."
A week later...
"Damn... There's nothin' like a road trip... the wide open highway stretchin' out in front of us..."
"You were sayin'...?"
"Never mind..."
A few miles later...
"Don't turn in, Ed... Let's keep goin'... 'n see if tha' campin' spot east of the park is available..."
"No way will it be... Not this time a year..."
"Let's just check... we can always come back..."
"That's ten miles there 'n ten miles back if'n someone's in it...."
"We're goin' from here ta Vernal ta Yellowstone ta Chicago... 'n yer worried about an extra twenty miles...? Besides... it's so much better campin' there than in the campground... so's it's worth checkin' least-wise..."
"Fine. We'll go check. But I bet someone's in it..."
"'N what exactly wouldya bet...?"
"Whoever loses cooks dinner fer the next week."
"And cleans up too."
"It's a bet."
Ten miles later...
"I cain't believe we got this campsite again..."
"Me neither, Ed... 'N I'll be lookin' forward ta bein' served dinner fer the next seven nights..."
"I gotta admit... I'm sure glad I lost tha' bet... This is a whole lot better than bein' in tha' campground..."
"It's a lot greener this time..."
"Yeah... 'N that ol' tree'll give us some real good shade..."
"I'm glad he's still hangin' in there..."
"Yeah. Me too. This spot wouldn't be near so nice withou' shade this time a year..."
"'Course we got a lot more company..."
"What're ya talkin' about, Hank...? There ain't no one else around..."
"Ya jus' gotta look a l'il closer..."
"He's a righ' handsome fella... 'N purty damn big too..."
"Yep. A regular Godzilla..."
"D'ya think he'll mind sharin' this spot...? He was here first after all..."
"Not so's long as were good neighbors..."
"Well... then leave him be..."
"Alls I did was take a picture... 'N... damn... lookit the size a this fella... He's huge..."
"Wha' fella...?"
"I'd say we got Mothra over here..."
"Get away from tha' wasp, Hank..."
"'S okay... He's busy..."
"No it ain't okay... tha' looks like a tarantula hawk wasp... the females prey on tarantulas durin' some parts a the year... paralyze 'em 'n lay their eggs in 'em I think... 'n their sting's s'posed ta be up there with the most painful insect stings on the planet... least-wise fer the first few minutes anyways..."
"Yer kiddin'...?"
"Nope. Screamin'-out-loud-no-matter-how-tough-ya-think-ya-are painful... 'N if'n I remember correct-like... that's a female too... 'cause she's got curled-up antennas instead straight ones..."
"Sounds worse than Mothra."
"Could be. Lucky they ain't s'posed ta be too aggressive-like... but I'd keep tha' camera a yers outta her face..."
"Lucky fer me I already got a picture..."
"Lucky fer you she didn't sting yer ass."
"'N look over here, Ed... It's 'Them'..."
"Wha' the hell are ya talkin' about...?"
"Another disaster movie... 'Them' were giant ants... made tha' way on accounta nuclear testin' in the desert..."
"Well them l'il ones are bad enough... their bites sting like a sonofabitch... 'Course prob'bly not near as bad as tha' tarantula wasp..."
"I guess you'd be rememberin' tha' picnic from a few years back..."
"Tryin' not ta remember it more like."
"Ya wanna move somewheres else...?"
"Nah... let's jus' put the tent 'n table 'n the stove 'n our chairs 'n whatnot as far from that anthill as we can..."
"Hey... We got Godzilla 'n Mothra 'n Them... maybe we'll see a giant tarantula too..."
"Well... let's just hope this trip don't turn inta a disaster movie..."
"It's gonna be fine, Ed..."
"Says you."
"'N I know what I'm talkin' about."
"Sure ya do... So's... how's about we get camp set up..."
"'N then relax 'n have us a beer or two..."
"Sounds good ta me."
Later...
"So's... whaddya wanna do tomorrow...?"
"I thought we migh' go up tha' Fryin' Pan trail again... this time from the other end..."
"No way, Hank... Ya know I don't like the drop-offs on that end a tha' hike..."
"The real bad part ain't fer tha' long... 'N besides... bein' all nervous about that'll take yer mind off a havin' ta go ta Vernal..."
"My mind was off goin' ta Vernal... 'til you just brought it up, dumbass."
"Sorry, Ed..."
"Now my minds on tha' drop-off and Vernal..."
"Well... we don't gotta do that hike... you pick another one..."
"Nah... that one's okay..."
"Dumbass."
"But... ya still got me thinkin' about Vernal again..."
"Well... how 'bout if I figure out a way ta distract ya...?"
"What exactly d'ya got in mind...?"
"Well... first... since no one else is around... I'm gonna put on some music..."
"Wouldya make it country music fer a change...?"
"Fine. Country it is... 'N let's see... Is that a full moon up there...? I thought I was feelin' a l'il funny..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvsqlTGgKeg
"Dumbass."
"...'I know there's never been a man in the awful shape I'm in... I cain't even spell my name my head's in such a spin... today I tried to eat a steak with a big ol' tablespoon... Ya got me chasin' rabbits, walkin' on my hands 'n howlin' at the moon... HoooooOOOOOooooOOOOOOoooooo..."
"Lemme guess... Yer turnin' inta a werewolf...?"
"Yep. 'N I'd like nothin' better than ta take a bite or two outta you..."
"Help yerself..."
"Don't mind if I do..."
"Ouch...! Watch it, dumbmmmph..."
The next morning...
"Well... them cherry trees are leafin' out real good now..."
"Yeah... too bad it ain't cherry pie season yet."
A little while later...
Wouldya not dawdle around this part a the trail, Hank..."
"I'll be righ' there, Ed..."
"Dammit... Get away from tha' cliff edge..."
"I ain't nowheres near the edge... 'N I'm jus' waitin' fer a car ta go by down there... fer scale..."
"Just back the hell up wouldya...? Tha' road down there's good enough fer scale..."
"Withou' somethin' else down there yer liable ta mistake tha' big ol' dry wash fer the road..."
"Let's jus' get past this part a the trail withou' neither of us fallin' off..."
"Neither of us is gonna fall off, Ed..."
"Then let's jus' get past this part a the trail before I push ya off..."
"Yer afraid I'm gonna fall... so's yer gonna push me off...?"
"Yep. Tha' way I wouldn' gotta worry about it no more."
"Dumbass."
"Dumbass."
Further along the trail...
"So's... tha' part weren't too bad was it, Ed...?"
"It weren't too good neither."
"Ya wanna go out ta Cassidy Arch...? Or keep headin' up higher...?"
"Ya end up on top a that arch instead a beneath it... so's ya cain't see it too good... So let's keep climbin'..."
"Sounds good ta me..."
"Ya know... they shouldn' even call it an 'arch'... 'S technic'lly more of a natural bridge..."
"Well we can go ta the visitor center 'n yell at 'em about it later."
"Dumbass."
And a little further along the trail...
"How many times do I gotta ask ya ta get the hell away from the edge, Hank...?"
"I ain't nowheres near the edge... 'N I'm jus' takin' a picture of the road again..."
"Why is that even when the trail ain't nowheres near the edge you still gotta run up to it...?"
"Maybe I was a mountain goat in a previous life."
"Well... you ain't as sure-footed as a goat... but yer sure as hell as randy as one..."
"You complainin'...?"
"Nope. Not about that anyways..."
"I didn't think so. Now... how 'bout you try 'n relax 'n enjoy the view, Ed..."
"I guess it is kinda purty up here..."
"Dumbass."
Later that day...
"Hey... pull over, Ed... lookit... D'ya s'pose that's Herb.... from a couple a months ago...? The fella we were talkin' to... 'n shared our campsite with... the one who's wife had died 'n he wanted ta reconcile with his gay son..."
"It ain't him, Hank."
"How d'ya know...? We cain't even see his face... Pull over Ed 'n I'll go check..."
"It ain't him. I can tell."
"You cain't tell... yer just sayin' it ain't him so's we don't gotta stop 'n talk to him if'n it is him..."
"That ain't true... I can tell plain as day it ain't him... 'N not only ain't it him... whoever he is, he ain't from around these parts neither..."
"Well how 'bout you fill me in, Mr. Holmes..."
"It's elementary my dear, dumbass... He's takin' a picture, right...?"
"Yeah..."
"Well... Herb said he came here frequent-like... 'n folks who come here frequent-like wouldn' bother ta take tha' particular picture... 'specially with the sky like tha'... that ain't a good picture-takin' sky... but someone who ain't been here before... or don't get here frequent-like would take tha' picture... See... he jus' turned around... 'n it ain't him..."
"Too bad it ain't him... I gotta give him a call... see how things are goin'..."
"Or you... you'd prob'bly take tha' picture... 'cause you ain't too discriminatin' picture-takin'-wise..."
"Hey... if'n ya take enough pictures a couple of 'em are bound ta turn out ev'ry now 'n again..."
"Ya'd think."
"Dumbass."
Early that evening...
Wouldya lookit tha' view, Ed..."
"I'm lookin'... But..."
"Wha'...?"
"Where the hell is ev'rybody else...? This is one a the best views in the park... 'N it's justa mile down a dirt road 'n less than half a mile stroll out here... so's ya'd think it'd be real crowded..."
"So's... yer complainin' 'cause there ain't no one else around...?"
"Jus' commentin'..."
"Well... I don't care where they all are... I'm jus' glad they ain't here..."
"They're prob'bly on their way."
"Dumbass."
The next day...
"How 'bout we head down tha' road on the east side a the park ta day, Ed...? Maybe walk up a couple a them canyons...?"
"Okay... But not none a them long ones... There's bound ta be a lotta water in 'em yet... 'N I don't wanna get wet 'n end up doin' a lotta climbin' 'n whatnot... I ain't in the mood..."
"Fine with me... The shorter canyons it is..."
Later...
"This is real nice."
"'S gonna be a warm one..."
"How 'bout some music, Ed...?"
"So's long as it's country."
"Country it is..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhasdyJuBKw
"Chant a the Wanderer', huh...?"
"Yep."
"Seems fittin' I guess... You'd have me wanderin' all the time if'n ya had yer way..."
"I sure as hell would. 'Course this don't really count as wanderin'... seein' as we're only three hours from home 'n we been here plenty a times before..."
"It counts alrigh'."
Later...
"Stop fer a second, Ed... tha' looks purty interestin'... so's I wanna take a picture..."
"There's a real surprise."
And a while after that...
"It sure is purty through here..."
"I ain't sure about goin' up them canyons though... they get awful narrow-like... 'n them clouds are kinda buildin'..."
"Them clouds are a ways off ta the north, Ed..."
"Yeah, but..."
"Look... it's perfectly blue over them canyons..."
"Yeah, but..."
"I think you jus' changed yer mind about wantin' ta go... 'cause ya know damn well they ain't the kind a canyons where if'n it's rainin' fifteen miles upstream ya still gotta worry 'cause they ain't real long... Besides... it's early in the day... so's if'n it's gonna rain them clouds are gonna hafta take hours 'n hours ta build..."
"Fine. But if'n it clouds up above us we're high-tailin' it outta there..."
"See, Ed... No rain... no flash floods... ev'rythin' is fine..."
"Fer the moment."
"Dumbass."
Later...
"Whoa... Hold up, Ed... That ain't no stick in the road..."
"Tha' dumbass snake is gonna get his self run over..."
"I think it's yer turn ta get his ass outta the road..."
"You always think it's my turn."
"It's yer turn, Ed..."
"Fine. I'll do it... But if'n he bites me you better be ready ta suck the poison out..."
"Ya know damn well it's a striped whip snake 'n he... or she... ain't poisonous... But... I'll still be more than happy ta do some a tha' suckin' anyways..."
"You got a one track mind, ya know tha'...?"
"You complainin'...?"
"Not about tha'."
"I didn't think so."
And a little while after that...
"It's too hot ta go up another canyon, Hank..."
"Says the fella tha' spends all day out in the heat workin' 'n don't complain a bit..."
"I gotta work... but I don't gotta go up tha' canyon."
"It ain't too hot, Ed..."
"Says the fella who bitches about workin' no matter wha' the temperature it is..."
"It was kinda hot up tha' last canyon... but ya know it'll be nice 'n cool up this one..."
"But we still gotta get there 'n back..."
"Ya know it ain't real far out ta it at all... 'N if'n ya collapse from heat stroke I promise ta carry ya... Or drag ya anyways... Or drive somewheres 'n tell one a them rangers ta go back 'n get ya..."
"Thanks a lot."
"Yer welcome. Besides... we can bring some lunch... 'n hang out in the shade fer a while..."
"Well... I am hungry... 'n there ain't a stick a shade out here..."
Later...
"I still think ya shouldn' take pictures of folks without askin' 'em first..."
"I jus' took it ta show the scale 'cause you been bitchin' 'n moanin' ev'ry time I try ta take yer picture... Besides... she's gonna be so tiny in tha' picture tha' won't nobody be able ta tell who she is... I'm jus' glad she was wearin' a white shirt so's she showed up at all..."
"Well... least-wise we heard 'em comin' 'fore you got too carried away..."
"It was only me gettin' carried away, huh...?"
"Yep."
"'N what exactly was tha' you were doin'...?"
"I don't got no idea whatcher talkin' about."
"Dumbass."
And the day after that... Back in the main part of the park...
"I dunno, Hank... I kinda think it's too late in the day ta start a hike..."
"No it ain't... Late in the day's a real good time ta go... 'N look... there's only one car at the trailhead too..."
"It's still awful hot out... 'N there ain't a lotta shade up there..."
"It ain't that hot, dumbass... 'n we can find shade if'n we need it..."
"Well... we jus' did this hike a couple a months ago..."
"There's two ways ta go once we get up there... we can go the shorter route if'n ya wanna... out ta that overlook... we ain't been out tha' way in a long time..."
"Yeah, but..."
"Ya know, Ed... ya didn't hafta come along... I said you could stay back at camp if'n ya wanted to... I jus' felt like stretchin' my legs some... 'N you could still head on back ta camp... or go hang out in tha' picnic area in the shade... you can either pick me up here later or I can walk through the way tha' comes out on the highway 'n you can pick me up there..."
"Nah... I could use some leg stretchin' myself..."
"Well... let's get goin' then..."
A little while later...
"Hold it righ' there, Ed..."
"Ya need me in yer picture fer scale, huh...?"
"Nope. I need ya in my picture jus' because yer so damn good lookin'."
"Dumbass."
"Now c'mon over here fer yer close-up..."
"Damn... this canyon's like a damn oven..."
"It ain't tha' bad... 'n like I said... it's real purty this time a day..."
"Yeah... purty damn hot."
"Ya know, Ed... you could still head back if'n it's too hot fer ya... We ain't gone tha' far yet..."
"I jus' made three-quarters of the climb up... 'n now ya want me ta go back...?"
"It's three-quarters of the climb... but it ain't three quarters of the whole hike... 'N there's a lotta nice shade down there... 'n it wouldn't take ya tha' long ta get back to it..."
"Nah... I might as well jus' keep goin' with ya..."
"You sure...?"
"Yep."
"Well... it'll be cooler once we climb outta this canyon..."
"I'll believe it when I feel it."
"Hell... maybe I should go back ta camp..."
"Wha'...?"
"I said ya better drink some more water, Ed... or you'll get a cramp..."
A little while later...
"This is better... ain't it, Ed...? Nice breeze blowin'... 'n bein' up above tha' canyon...?"
"'S a l'il better anyways... Damn... them clouds built up real quick-like... D'ya s'pose it's gonna rain on us...?"
"It'll be fine, Ed..."
"Lookit thataway... it's already rainin' over there..."
"Yeah... but it ain't rainin' over here... Hell... it looked like it was gonna rain on tha' first hike a couple a days ago... 'n out at tha' viewpoint too... 'n ya didn't say a word about it... 'N ya know when the weather's like this it's always rainin' somewheres off in the distance..."
"I jus' don't wanna get caught up top here in a downpour..."
"If'n it does downpour it usually don't last fer long... 'n we can jus' find somewheres ta take shelter... there's plenty of nooks 'n crannies 'n overhangs 'n whatnot around..."
"Look... Them clouds are buildin' up in tha' direction too..."
"Not hardly."
"Figures... there'd be clouds all around us... 'n we're still walkin' in the damn sun..."
"So's now yer complainin' 'cause it ain't rainin' on ya...?"
"Some clouds directly over head would be nice... withou' no rain or nothin'..."
"Dumbass."
"Wait a sec... where the hell are ya goin', Hank...? This is the end a the trail..."
"The end of the o-fficial trail... but ya know damn well the un-o-fficial trail ends out thataway..."
"It's lookin' even darker tha' way... I think we should head back... If'n it starts lightnin' there ain't no cover fer a long, long ways..."
"It'll be fine, Ed... 'N there's plenty a cover... hell... there's two l'il gullies we gotta cross right out there... 'n we can duck back inta one of 'em if need be..."
"Yeah, but..."
"C'mon, Ed... this is great... there ain't no one else around..."
"Yeah... that's 'cause they know better..."
A few minutes later...
"'Fine, huh...?"
"It still ain't rainin'... 'n there's still plenty a blue sky up there..."
"Ya know damn well it don't need ta be rainin' fer there ta be lightnin'..."
"I been watchin'... 'n I ain't seen even one bolt a lightnin'... not off in the distance 'n not nearby..."
"'N I bet ya won't see the one that hits ya neither."
"I dunno... bein' hit by lightnin' don't sound half bad right about now..."
"Wha'...?"
"I said... we ain't gonna get hit by lightnin'... 'N I'll betcha it ain't even gonna rain neither..."
"How much...?"
"After yer done with yer stint cookin'... I'll cook fer the next week... if it rains... 'N if'n it don't rain you keep cookin' fer a week more..."
"'N clean up too...?"
"Yep."
"Yer on."
A few minutes after that...
"Lookit tha' sky now, Hank... I bet yer startin' ta regret tha' bet..."
"Nope. It ain't gonna rain..."
"You ain't soundin' quite as sure a yerself as ya were..."
"But..."
"But wha'...?"
"Maybe it is about time we think about headin' back..."
"What's yer hurry...? I'm kinda lookin' forward ta tha' downpour right about now..."
"Dumbass."
Later...
"I win, Hank... Lookit tha'..."
"You don't win. It still ain't rainin' on us."
"Tha' don't matter... it's definitely rainin'..."
"I meant rainin' on us... Hell... that's miles away... 'N we could see rain off in the distance on that hike... 'n it didn't count then 'n it don't count now... 'N no fair drivin' in tha' direction 'cause we weren't headed tha' way..."
"Fine. But I still got 'til mornin' then fer it ta rain on us."
"Fine. But it ain't gonna."
"Yeah. It is."
Later...
"It's yer turn, Hank..."
"No way am I movin' a rattler off the road..."
"Ya know damn well that's a gopher snake 'n not a rattle snake... 'Course them gopher snakes pretend ta be rattle snakes ta scare predators off... But you can see plain as day he don't got no rattle... 'n he don't got no venom neither..."
"Fine. I'll chase him off the road... But if'n he's really a rattle snake pretendin' ta be a gopher snake 'n he bites me then you gotta suck out the poison..."
"The least I can do is return the favor."
A minute later...
"Damn..."
"Looks like he was a l'il more ornery than my whip snake was..."
"Yeah... Hell... we seem ta got a whole 'nother disaster movie goin' here... We can call it 'Snakes in the Lane'..."
"Sounds kinda dull... 'N I wouldn' pay ta see it in a theater... Maybe I'd rent it though..."
"'N tha' dumbass snake'll prob'bly jus' slither righ' back out inta the middle a the road the minute we're gone..."
"Yeah... But least-wise we did wha' we could..."
Back at camp...
"Wouldya lookit all tha' blue sky, Ed... It sure turned inta a real nice evenin'... Yep... a real nice evenin'... In fact... I think I'll go wade in the water a bit... cool m'self off some while I look forward to another week of yer cookin' fer me..."
"Get the hell outta the water, Hank... We need ta..."
"Ya know, Ed... You been bitchin' about one thing or another fer the past three days... 'n before that at home... 'N I know yer all het up about havin' ta go ta Vernal again... So's I been tryin' ta ignore most of it... But... why the hell d'ya care if'n I'm standin' in the water...? Are you afraid I'm gonna drown...? Well it's only a foot 'n a half deep here... so's if'n I am gonna drown I'm really gonna hafta work at it... 'Course you could come 'n hold my head under water fer about... oh... five minutes or so should do it... if'n tha' would help ya not worry about it..."
"Look behind ya, dumbass..."
"Oh."
"Looks like I may be winnin' tha' bet after all... Now if'n it wouldn' be too much trouble 'n all... wouldya... purty please with a big ol' cherry on top... get yer ass up here so's we can batten down the hatches... so ta speak..."
"Maybe it's headed in the other direction..."
"'N maybe it ain't."
"Shit."
Later...
"Well... tha' was a lotta build-up fer not much of anythin' at all... Hell... with tha' wind whippin' the way it was fer a while I thought we were gonna have a Kansas-size twister on our hands... 'N we'd walk outta the tent ta find we weren't in Utah no more..."
"It's rainin' though... so's I win tha' bet..."
"A few scattered drops don't count as rain, Ed..."
"Yeah. It does. Ya never said it had ta rain a certain amount..."
"Yeah, but..."
"No buts, Hank... I gave ya the last one... that it had ta rain on us... 'N it is... 'N it don't matter how much or how little... rain is rain."
"Fine. Although... I'm cedin' the win ta you under protest."
"Duly noted."
"'N were both gonna suffer with me cookin' dinner fer seven days in a row..."
"True 'nough. But I'll bear up under it somehow."
"Yer a stronger man than me, Ed."
"But..."
"Wha'...?"
"I know... uh... I know I maybe been a l'il crankier than usual this trip...'n..."
"I hadn't noticed... But now tha' ya mention it... Mothra flew the coop in a huff yesterday... 'n I swear I saw a fleet a real tiny movin' vans pull up ta that anthill earlier ta day... 'N Godzilla's definitely been throwin' a few annoyed looks yer way..."
"Lemme finish, wouldya...? 'N... well... I've had a lot on my mind... wha' with goin' back ta Vernal 'n all... it's makin' me think about a lotta stuff I'd rather not think about... 'n stuff I thought I was done thinkin' about... But... it was better... comin' campin' like this... 'n goin' hikin'... it's better than stayin' home woulda been... even though I migh' be more outta sorts than usual... I just wanted ya ta know tha'..."
"Thanks, Ed."
"'N my pa... I appreciate you not bringin' him up... But... I know... well... I know there's some folks who think I'm real hard-hearted... fer not wantin' ta go see him 'n all... Only..."
"Dammit, Ed... that ain't true... Not even a l'il bit...Hell... ev'rybody who knows you knows yer the furthest thing from hard-hearted.... Although if'n you were talkin' hard-headed then tha'd be a diff'rent story altogether..."
"Well... maybe you don't think so... But I hear it in their voices..."
"Yer hearin' voices now...? Tha' cain't be good..."
"I hear it in the voices a them nurses, dumbass... when I call ta check on how he's doin' ev'ry month 'n a half or so..."
"Yeah...? Well they don't know a damn thing about it."
"But... it's just tha'... when I left... when I was 15... almost 16 I guess... Jeez... Can tha' really be fifty years ago...? Damn... But... I swore I'd never have nothin' more ta do with him again... or with my ma... after wha' Ruth 'n me went through with 'em... 'N Ruth... she felt the same... 'N all this... with the house 'n checkin' on him 'n all... even that's more than I woulda wanted ta do... but I gotta do it... if'n only on accounta I don't want Ruth ta hafta... But seein' him... I don't wanna do tha'... 'n I ain't gonna..."
"Ya don't gotta, Ed... No one's gonna think no less of ya if'n ya don't..."
"'N it ain't on accounta I'm afraid a seein' him... or on accounta I'm mad or anythin' like tha'... 'cause I ain't... not no more anyways... Hell... I feel sorry fer him even... but I don't feel nothin' else fer him... one way or another... But even tha' seems wrong somehow..."
"It's okay, Ed... 'N it ain't wrong. It just is what it is... Hell... Ya've said that yerself... more than once even... 'N feelin' tha' way's better 'n bein' angry... a whole lot better..."
"Yeah. I guess."
"So's... how 'bout I put on some music... help ya relax 'n ferget about it all fer a l'il while... I think I saw somethin' 'n Betty's cds that'll do the trick..."
"I thought we gave them cds back ta her...?"
"We did... But then when she borrowed the truck again she fergot 'em again..."
"Great. Jus' great. Remind me ta give them back ta her the very minute we get home..."
"They're still out in the truck... I'll be righ' back..."
"Don't bother, Hank... Hank...? Dammit..."
Two minutes later...
"C'mon, Hank... I ain't in the mood fer nothin'... uh... over the top..."
"It ain't over the top. Well... maybe justa l'il... But it's country music... new-fangled country... but still country... 'n it's guaranteed ta soothe the savage beast in ya... Or wake it up maybe... but in a real soothin' way... 'N I promise not ta sing neither... Here..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Jh2Dx4N2O8
"You ain't gonna sing...? Wha' the hell's the occasion...?"
"'N I promise I'll turn it off if'n ya want me to..."
"Now I know I mus' be dreamin'..."
"Dumbass."
"'Just breathe, huh...?"
"Yep.. Ms. Faith Hill... Ya want me ta turn it off...? I'll turn it off if'n it's gonna annoy ya... 'n put on somethin' real man-like... Johnny Cash even... 'I shot a man in Reno... just ta watch him die'... Or maybe... 'MY NAME IS SUE!! HOW DO YOU DO?!?'..."
"Nah... it ain't gonna annoy me... But yer sure startin' to..."
"I'm... annoyin'... you...?"
"As usual."
"Well... you know well 'nough how ta shut me up if'n ya wanna..."
"C'mere, dumbass..."
The next morning...
"Damn... It may not have rained much here... but it sure as hell rained somewheres upstream..."
"Yeah... it looks like a good chunk a the west side a the park is floatin' by us..."
"So's, Hank...?"
"Yeah...?"
"Last nigh'... Tha' was... well... it was..."
"It sure was."
"But..."
"Wha'...?"
"I cain't exactly promise I still won't be a l'il more ornery than usual... 'til after the closin'... 'n Vernal's in our rear-view mirror least-wise..."
"'S okay, Ed. I can take it."
"You hungry, Hank...?"
"You betcha."
"Well... how's 'bout I make ya breakfast... 'fore it takes hold a me again..."
"Sounds good, Dr. Jekyll."
"Dumbass."
"But... I gotta admit... yer Mr. Hyde ain't without his charm... So's... I don't s'pose he'd be available fer a late date tonight...? In the tent..."
"I dunno... Is the Wolfman gonna be there...?"
"I think tha' could be arranged..."
"Then you got yerself a date."
-----
-----
Part One of... Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world...
Note: This took place last year, in early summer. There are additional parts, but it might take a while for Hank to get to them 'cause him and Ed are taking off in a few days to go on an extended camping trip again.
Disclaimer: Hank told their story to Annie Proulx. Jack and Ennis are all hers. Ed and Hank belong only to each other. Rating: G $$: Nope.
Links to all previous posts are here:
http://myeyesaintblue.livejournal.com/10082.html
Part One of Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world...
(This took place last year, in early summer.)
"There's been a change a plans, Hank..."
"What're ya talkin' about...?"
"I just got a call from tha' real estate agent we listed my pa's house with... It fin'lly sold... 'N the closin's in two weeks... So's we can't leave fer Yellowstone in a week like we planned..."
"I thought she said we could take care of it all with emailin' 'n faxin' 'n whatnot...?"
"Yeah, she did... But... I'd prefer ta be there in person... ta make sure all the i's are dotted 'n the t's are crossed 'n whatnot..."
"This ain't yer way of sayin' ya changed yer mind about wantin' ta see yer pa... Is it...?"
"Don't you go startin' with tha'... 'N it sure as hell ain't... I just wanna make damn sure it's all done right... 'N just plain done..."
"Well... Vernal ain't tha' far from Yellowstone... So's why don't we head ta Yellowstone anyways 'n then from there head down ta Vernal 'n from Vernal head ta Chicago ta visit Iris..."
"Ya know how much I hate backtrackin'..."
"Which is 'xactly why I didn't use the word."
"'N we were gonna stay in Yellowstone longer than tha'... so's no way am I goin' up ta Yellowstone 'n then backtrackin' ta Vernal 'n then backtrackin' back ta Yellowstone..."
"We could leave a week early..."
"Ya know we cain't... Bill's nephew ain't available 'til next week..."
"Well... How 'bout we head somewheres else on the way ta Vernal...? I wouldn' mind goin' back ta Capitol Reef National Park... 'N then we can head ta Vernal fer the closin' on the house... 'n go ta Yellowstone from there..."
"I'd rather just stay here 'til we gotta go ta Vernal... I'm gonna be nervous enough about goin' back there again as it is..."
"There ain't nothin' ta be nervous about, Ed... 'N besides... you can be nervous anywheres... 'n campin'll help take yer mind off it..."
"I dunno, Hank..."
"C'mon, Ed... I've been goin' kinda stir-crazy lately..."
"Okay... I'll agree ta go ta Capitol Reef on our way ta Vernal on one condition..."
"What's tha'...?"
"You don't mention my pa again... Not now. Not later. Not ever."
"Fine. I won't mention him... But..."
"And no 'buts'."
"Fine. No 'buts'."
"Good."
"Although... it ain't gonna be easy..."
"Dumbass."
A week later...
"Damn... There's nothin' like a road trip... the wide open highway stretchin' out in front of us..."
"You were sayin'...?"
"Never mind..."
A few miles later...
"Don't turn in, Ed... Let's keep goin'... 'n see if tha' campin' spot east of the park is available..."
"No way will it be... Not this time a year..."
"Let's just check... we can always come back..."
"That's ten miles there 'n ten miles back if'n someone's in it...."
"We're goin' from here ta Vernal ta Yellowstone ta Chicago... 'n yer worried about an extra twenty miles...? Besides... it's so much better campin' there than in the campground... so's it's worth checkin' least-wise..."
"Fine. We'll go check. But I bet someone's in it..."
"'N what exactly wouldya bet...?"
"Whoever loses cooks dinner fer the next week."
"And cleans up too."
"It's a bet."
Ten miles later...
"I cain't believe we got this campsite again..."
"Me neither, Ed... 'N I'll be lookin' forward ta bein' served dinner fer the next seven nights..."
"I gotta admit... I'm sure glad I lost tha' bet... This is a whole lot better than bein' in tha' campground..."
"It's a lot greener this time..."
"Yeah... 'N that ol' tree'll give us some real good shade..."
"I'm glad he's still hangin' in there..."
"Yeah. Me too. This spot wouldn't be near so nice withou' shade this time a year..."
"'Course we got a lot more company..."
"What're ya talkin' about, Hank...? There ain't no one else around..."
"Ya jus' gotta look a l'il closer..."
"He's a righ' handsome fella... 'N purty damn big too..."
"Yep. A regular Godzilla..."
"D'ya think he'll mind sharin' this spot...? He was here first after all..."
"Not so's long as were good neighbors..."
"Well... then leave him be..."
"Alls I did was take a picture... 'N... damn... lookit the size a this fella... He's huge..."
"Wha' fella...?"
"I'd say we got Mothra over here..."
"Get away from tha' wasp, Hank..."
"'S okay... He's busy..."
"No it ain't okay... tha' looks like a tarantula hawk wasp... the females prey on tarantulas durin' some parts a the year... paralyze 'em 'n lay their eggs in 'em I think... 'n their sting's s'posed ta be up there with the most painful insect stings on the planet... least-wise fer the first few minutes anyways..."
"Yer kiddin'...?"
"Nope. Screamin'-out-loud-no-matter-how-tough-ya-think-ya-are painful... 'N if'n I remember correct-like... that's a female too... 'cause she's got curled-up antennas instead straight ones..."
"Sounds worse than Mothra."
"Could be. Lucky they ain't s'posed ta be too aggressive-like... but I'd keep tha' camera a yers outta her face..."
"Lucky fer me I already got a picture..."
"Lucky fer you she didn't sting yer ass."
"'N look over here, Ed... It's 'Them'..."
"Wha' the hell are ya talkin' about...?"
"Another disaster movie... 'Them' were giant ants... made tha' way on accounta nuclear testin' in the desert..."
"Well them l'il ones are bad enough... their bites sting like a sonofabitch... 'Course prob'bly not near as bad as tha' tarantula wasp..."
"I guess you'd be rememberin' tha' picnic from a few years back..."
"Tryin' not ta remember it more like."
"Ya wanna move somewheres else...?"
"Nah... let's jus' put the tent 'n table 'n the stove 'n our chairs 'n whatnot as far from that anthill as we can..."
"Hey... We got Godzilla 'n Mothra 'n Them... maybe we'll see a giant tarantula too..."
"Well... let's just hope this trip don't turn inta a disaster movie..."
"It's gonna be fine, Ed..."
"Says you."
"'N I know what I'm talkin' about."
"Sure ya do... So's... how's about we get camp set up..."
"'N then relax 'n have us a beer or two..."
"Sounds good ta me."
Later...
"So's... whaddya wanna do tomorrow...?"
"I thought we migh' go up tha' Fryin' Pan trail again... this time from the other end..."
"No way, Hank... Ya know I don't like the drop-offs on that end a tha' hike..."
"The real bad part ain't fer tha' long... 'N besides... bein' all nervous about that'll take yer mind off a havin' ta go ta Vernal..."
"My mind was off goin' ta Vernal... 'til you just brought it up, dumbass."
"Sorry, Ed..."
"Now my minds on tha' drop-off and Vernal..."
"Well... we don't gotta do that hike... you pick another one..."
"Nah... that one's okay..."
"Dumbass."
"But... ya still got me thinkin' about Vernal again..."
"Well... how 'bout if I figure out a way ta distract ya...?"
"What exactly d'ya got in mind...?"
"Well... first... since no one else is around... I'm gonna put on some music..."
"Wouldya make it country music fer a change...?"
"Fine. Country it is... 'N let's see... Is that a full moon up there...? I thought I was feelin' a l'il funny..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvsqlTGgKeg
"Dumbass."
"...'I know there's never been a man in the awful shape I'm in... I cain't even spell my name my head's in such a spin... today I tried to eat a steak with a big ol' tablespoon... Ya got me chasin' rabbits, walkin' on my hands 'n howlin' at the moon... HoooooOOOOOooooOOOOOOoooooo..."
"Lemme guess... Yer turnin' inta a werewolf...?"
"Yep. 'N I'd like nothin' better than ta take a bite or two outta you..."
"Help yerself..."
"Don't mind if I do..."
"Ouch...! Watch it, dumbmmmph..."
The next morning...
"Well... them cherry trees are leafin' out real good now..."
"Yeah... too bad it ain't cherry pie season yet."
A little while later...
Wouldya not dawdle around this part a the trail, Hank..."
"I'll be righ' there, Ed..."
"Dammit... Get away from tha' cliff edge..."
"I ain't nowheres near the edge... 'N I'm jus' waitin' fer a car ta go by down there... fer scale..."
"Just back the hell up wouldya...? Tha' road down there's good enough fer scale..."
"Withou' somethin' else down there yer liable ta mistake tha' big ol' dry wash fer the road..."
"Let's jus' get past this part a the trail withou' neither of us fallin' off..."
"Neither of us is gonna fall off, Ed..."
"Then let's jus' get past this part a the trail before I push ya off..."
"Yer afraid I'm gonna fall... so's yer gonna push me off...?"
"Yep. Tha' way I wouldn' gotta worry about it no more."
"Dumbass."
"Dumbass."
Further along the trail...
"So's... tha' part weren't too bad was it, Ed...?"
"It weren't too good neither."
"Ya wanna go out ta Cassidy Arch...? Or keep headin' up higher...?"
"Ya end up on top a that arch instead a beneath it... so's ya cain't see it too good... So let's keep climbin'..."
"Sounds good ta me..."
"Ya know... they shouldn' even call it an 'arch'... 'S technic'lly more of a natural bridge..."
"Well we can go ta the visitor center 'n yell at 'em about it later."
"Dumbass."
And a little further along the trail...
"How many times do I gotta ask ya ta get the hell away from the edge, Hank...?"
"I ain't nowheres near the edge... 'N I'm jus' takin' a picture of the road again..."
"Why is that even when the trail ain't nowheres near the edge you still gotta run up to it...?"
"Maybe I was a mountain goat in a previous life."
"Well... you ain't as sure-footed as a goat... but yer sure as hell as randy as one..."
"You complainin'...?"
"Nope. Not about that anyways..."
"I didn't think so. Now... how 'bout you try 'n relax 'n enjoy the view, Ed..."
"I guess it is kinda purty up here..."
"Dumbass."
Later that day...
"Hey... pull over, Ed... lookit... D'ya s'pose that's Herb.... from a couple a months ago...? The fella we were talkin' to... 'n shared our campsite with... the one who's wife had died 'n he wanted ta reconcile with his gay son..."
"It ain't him, Hank."
"How d'ya know...? We cain't even see his face... Pull over Ed 'n I'll go check..."
"It ain't him. I can tell."
"You cain't tell... yer just sayin' it ain't him so's we don't gotta stop 'n talk to him if'n it is him..."
"That ain't true... I can tell plain as day it ain't him... 'N not only ain't it him... whoever he is, he ain't from around these parts neither..."
"Well how 'bout you fill me in, Mr. Holmes..."
"It's elementary my dear, dumbass... He's takin' a picture, right...?"
"Yeah..."
"Well... Herb said he came here frequent-like... 'n folks who come here frequent-like wouldn' bother ta take tha' particular picture... 'specially with the sky like tha'... that ain't a good picture-takin' sky... but someone who ain't been here before... or don't get here frequent-like would take tha' picture... See... he jus' turned around... 'n it ain't him..."
"Too bad it ain't him... I gotta give him a call... see how things are goin'..."
"Or you... you'd prob'bly take tha' picture... 'cause you ain't too discriminatin' picture-takin'-wise..."
"Hey... if'n ya take enough pictures a couple of 'em are bound ta turn out ev'ry now 'n again..."
"Ya'd think."
"Dumbass."
Early that evening...
Wouldya lookit tha' view, Ed..."
"I'm lookin'... But..."
"Wha'...?"
"Where the hell is ev'rybody else...? This is one a the best views in the park... 'N it's justa mile down a dirt road 'n less than half a mile stroll out here... so's ya'd think it'd be real crowded..."
"So's... yer complainin' 'cause there ain't no one else around...?"
"Jus' commentin'..."
"Well... I don't care where they all are... I'm jus' glad they ain't here..."
"They're prob'bly on their way."
"Dumbass."
The next day...
"How 'bout we head down tha' road on the east side a the park ta day, Ed...? Maybe walk up a couple a them canyons...?"
"Okay... But not none a them long ones... There's bound ta be a lotta water in 'em yet... 'N I don't wanna get wet 'n end up doin' a lotta climbin' 'n whatnot... I ain't in the mood..."
"Fine with me... The shorter canyons it is..."
Later...
"This is real nice."
"'S gonna be a warm one..."
"How 'bout some music, Ed...?"
"So's long as it's country."
"Country it is..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhasdyJuBKw
"Chant a the Wanderer', huh...?"
"Yep."
"Seems fittin' I guess... You'd have me wanderin' all the time if'n ya had yer way..."
"I sure as hell would. 'Course this don't really count as wanderin'... seein' as we're only three hours from home 'n we been here plenty a times before..."
"It counts alrigh'."
Later...
"Stop fer a second, Ed... tha' looks purty interestin'... so's I wanna take a picture..."
"There's a real surprise."
And a while after that...
"It sure is purty through here..."
"I ain't sure about goin' up them canyons though... they get awful narrow-like... 'n them clouds are kinda buildin'..."
"Them clouds are a ways off ta the north, Ed..."
"Yeah, but..."
"Look... it's perfectly blue over them canyons..."
"Yeah, but..."
"I think you jus' changed yer mind about wantin' ta go... 'cause ya know damn well they ain't the kind a canyons where if'n it's rainin' fifteen miles upstream ya still gotta worry 'cause they ain't real long... Besides... it's early in the day... so's if'n it's gonna rain them clouds are gonna hafta take hours 'n hours ta build..."
"Fine. But if'n it clouds up above us we're high-tailin' it outta there..."
"See, Ed... No rain... no flash floods... ev'rythin' is fine..."
"Fer the moment."
"Dumbass."
Later...
"Whoa... Hold up, Ed... That ain't no stick in the road..."
"Tha' dumbass snake is gonna get his self run over..."
"I think it's yer turn ta get his ass outta the road..."
"You always think it's my turn."
"It's yer turn, Ed..."
"Fine. I'll do it... But if'n he bites me you better be ready ta suck the poison out..."
"Ya know damn well it's a striped whip snake 'n he... or she... ain't poisonous... But... I'll still be more than happy ta do some a tha' suckin' anyways..."
"You got a one track mind, ya know tha'...?"
"You complainin'...?"
"Not about tha'."
"I didn't think so."
And a little while after that...
"It's too hot ta go up another canyon, Hank..."
"Says the fella tha' spends all day out in the heat workin' 'n don't complain a bit..."
"I gotta work... but I don't gotta go up tha' canyon."
"It ain't too hot, Ed..."
"Says the fella who bitches about workin' no matter wha' the temperature it is..."
"It was kinda hot up tha' last canyon... but ya know it'll be nice 'n cool up this one..."
"But we still gotta get there 'n back..."
"Ya know it ain't real far out ta it at all... 'N if'n ya collapse from heat stroke I promise ta carry ya... Or drag ya anyways... Or drive somewheres 'n tell one a them rangers ta go back 'n get ya..."
"Thanks a lot."
"Yer welcome. Besides... we can bring some lunch... 'n hang out in the shade fer a while..."
"Well... I am hungry... 'n there ain't a stick a shade out here..."
Later...
"I still think ya shouldn' take pictures of folks without askin' 'em first..."
"I jus' took it ta show the scale 'cause you been bitchin' 'n moanin' ev'ry time I try ta take yer picture... Besides... she's gonna be so tiny in tha' picture tha' won't nobody be able ta tell who she is... I'm jus' glad she was wearin' a white shirt so's she showed up at all..."
"Well... least-wise we heard 'em comin' 'fore you got too carried away..."
"It was only me gettin' carried away, huh...?"
"Yep."
"'N what exactly was tha' you were doin'...?"
"I don't got no idea whatcher talkin' about."
"Dumbass."
And the day after that... Back in the main part of the park...
"I dunno, Hank... I kinda think it's too late in the day ta start a hike..."
"No it ain't... Late in the day's a real good time ta go... 'N look... there's only one car at the trailhead too..."
"It's still awful hot out... 'N there ain't a lotta shade up there..."
"It ain't that hot, dumbass... 'n we can find shade if'n we need it..."
"Well... we jus' did this hike a couple a months ago..."
"There's two ways ta go once we get up there... we can go the shorter route if'n ya wanna... out ta that overlook... we ain't been out tha' way in a long time..."
"Yeah, but..."
"Ya know, Ed... ya didn't hafta come along... I said you could stay back at camp if'n ya wanted to... I jus' felt like stretchin' my legs some... 'N you could still head on back ta camp... or go hang out in tha' picnic area in the shade... you can either pick me up here later or I can walk through the way tha' comes out on the highway 'n you can pick me up there..."
"Nah... I could use some leg stretchin' myself..."
"Well... let's get goin' then..."
A little while later...
"Hold it righ' there, Ed..."
"Ya need me in yer picture fer scale, huh...?"
"Nope. I need ya in my picture jus' because yer so damn good lookin'."
"Dumbass."
"Now c'mon over here fer yer close-up..."
"Damn... this canyon's like a damn oven..."
"It ain't tha' bad... 'n like I said... it's real purty this time a day..."
"Yeah... purty damn hot."
"Ya know, Ed... you could still head back if'n it's too hot fer ya... We ain't gone tha' far yet..."
"I jus' made three-quarters of the climb up... 'n now ya want me ta go back...?"
"It's three-quarters of the climb... but it ain't three quarters of the whole hike... 'N there's a lotta nice shade down there... 'n it wouldn't take ya tha' long ta get back to it..."
"Nah... I might as well jus' keep goin' with ya..."
"You sure...?"
"Yep."
"Well... it'll be cooler once we climb outta this canyon..."
"I'll believe it when I feel it."
"Hell... maybe I should go back ta camp..."
"Wha'...?"
"I said ya better drink some more water, Ed... or you'll get a cramp..."
A little while later...
"This is better... ain't it, Ed...? Nice breeze blowin'... 'n bein' up above tha' canyon...?"
"'S a l'il better anyways... Damn... them clouds built up real quick-like... D'ya s'pose it's gonna rain on us...?"
"It'll be fine, Ed..."
"Lookit thataway... it's already rainin' over there..."
"Yeah... but it ain't rainin' over here... Hell... it looked like it was gonna rain on tha' first hike a couple a days ago... 'n out at tha' viewpoint too... 'n ya didn't say a word about it... 'N ya know when the weather's like this it's always rainin' somewheres off in the distance..."
"I jus' don't wanna get caught up top here in a downpour..."
"If'n it does downpour it usually don't last fer long... 'n we can jus' find somewheres ta take shelter... there's plenty of nooks 'n crannies 'n overhangs 'n whatnot around..."
"Look... Them clouds are buildin' up in tha' direction too..."
"Not hardly."
"Figures... there'd be clouds all around us... 'n we're still walkin' in the damn sun..."
"So's now yer complainin' 'cause it ain't rainin' on ya...?"
"Some clouds directly over head would be nice... withou' no rain or nothin'..."
"Dumbass."
"Wait a sec... where the hell are ya goin', Hank...? This is the end a the trail..."
"The end of the o-fficial trail... but ya know damn well the un-o-fficial trail ends out thataway..."
"It's lookin' even darker tha' way... I think we should head back... If'n it starts lightnin' there ain't no cover fer a long, long ways..."
"It'll be fine, Ed... 'N there's plenty a cover... hell... there's two l'il gullies we gotta cross right out there... 'n we can duck back inta one of 'em if need be..."
"Yeah, but..."
"C'mon, Ed... this is great... there ain't no one else around..."
"Yeah... that's 'cause they know better..."
A few minutes later...
"'Fine, huh...?"
"It still ain't rainin'... 'n there's still plenty a blue sky up there..."
"Ya know damn well it don't need ta be rainin' fer there ta be lightnin'..."
"I been watchin'... 'n I ain't seen even one bolt a lightnin'... not off in the distance 'n not nearby..."
"'N I bet ya won't see the one that hits ya neither."
"I dunno... bein' hit by lightnin' don't sound half bad right about now..."
"Wha'...?"
"I said... we ain't gonna get hit by lightnin'... 'N I'll betcha it ain't even gonna rain neither..."
"How much...?"
"After yer done with yer stint cookin'... I'll cook fer the next week... if it rains... 'N if'n it don't rain you keep cookin' fer a week more..."
"'N clean up too...?"
"Yep."
"Yer on."
A few minutes after that...
"Lookit tha' sky now, Hank... I bet yer startin' ta regret tha' bet..."
"Nope. It ain't gonna rain..."
"You ain't soundin' quite as sure a yerself as ya were..."
"But..."
"But wha'...?"
"Maybe it is about time we think about headin' back..."
"What's yer hurry...? I'm kinda lookin' forward ta tha' downpour right about now..."
"Dumbass."
Later...
"I win, Hank... Lookit tha'..."
"You don't win. It still ain't rainin' on us."
"Tha' don't matter... it's definitely rainin'..."
"I meant rainin' on us... Hell... that's miles away... 'N we could see rain off in the distance on that hike... 'n it didn't count then 'n it don't count now... 'N no fair drivin' in tha' direction 'cause we weren't headed tha' way..."
"Fine. But I still got 'til mornin' then fer it ta rain on us."
"Fine. But it ain't gonna."
"Yeah. It is."
Later...
"It's yer turn, Hank..."
"No way am I movin' a rattler off the road..."
"Ya know damn well that's a gopher snake 'n not a rattle snake... 'Course them gopher snakes pretend ta be rattle snakes ta scare predators off... But you can see plain as day he don't got no rattle... 'n he don't got no venom neither..."
"Fine. I'll chase him off the road... But if'n he's really a rattle snake pretendin' ta be a gopher snake 'n he bites me then you gotta suck out the poison..."
"The least I can do is return the favor."
A minute later...
"Damn..."
"Looks like he was a l'il more ornery than my whip snake was..."
"Yeah... Hell... we seem ta got a whole 'nother disaster movie goin' here... We can call it 'Snakes in the Lane'..."
"Sounds kinda dull... 'N I wouldn' pay ta see it in a theater... Maybe I'd rent it though..."
"'N tha' dumbass snake'll prob'bly jus' slither righ' back out inta the middle a the road the minute we're gone..."
"Yeah... But least-wise we did wha' we could..."
Back at camp...
"Wouldya lookit all tha' blue sky, Ed... It sure turned inta a real nice evenin'... Yep... a real nice evenin'... In fact... I think I'll go wade in the water a bit... cool m'self off some while I look forward to another week of yer cookin' fer me..."
"Get the hell outta the water, Hank... We need ta..."
"Ya know, Ed... You been bitchin' about one thing or another fer the past three days... 'n before that at home... 'N I know yer all het up about havin' ta go ta Vernal again... So's I been tryin' ta ignore most of it... But... why the hell d'ya care if'n I'm standin' in the water...? Are you afraid I'm gonna drown...? Well it's only a foot 'n a half deep here... so's if'n I am gonna drown I'm really gonna hafta work at it... 'Course you could come 'n hold my head under water fer about... oh... five minutes or so should do it... if'n tha' would help ya not worry about it..."
"Look behind ya, dumbass..."
"Oh."
"Looks like I may be winnin' tha' bet after all... Now if'n it wouldn' be too much trouble 'n all... wouldya... purty please with a big ol' cherry on top... get yer ass up here so's we can batten down the hatches... so ta speak..."
"Maybe it's headed in the other direction..."
"'N maybe it ain't."
"Shit."
Later...
"Well... tha' was a lotta build-up fer not much of anythin' at all... Hell... with tha' wind whippin' the way it was fer a while I thought we were gonna have a Kansas-size twister on our hands... 'N we'd walk outta the tent ta find we weren't in Utah no more..."
"It's rainin' though... so's I win tha' bet..."
"A few scattered drops don't count as rain, Ed..."
"Yeah. It does. Ya never said it had ta rain a certain amount..."
"Yeah, but..."
"No buts, Hank... I gave ya the last one... that it had ta rain on us... 'N it is... 'N it don't matter how much or how little... rain is rain."
"Fine. Although... I'm cedin' the win ta you under protest."
"Duly noted."
"'N were both gonna suffer with me cookin' dinner fer seven days in a row..."
"True 'nough. But I'll bear up under it somehow."
"Yer a stronger man than me, Ed."
"But..."
"Wha'...?"
"I know... uh... I know I maybe been a l'il crankier than usual this trip...'n..."
"I hadn't noticed... But now tha' ya mention it... Mothra flew the coop in a huff yesterday... 'n I swear I saw a fleet a real tiny movin' vans pull up ta that anthill earlier ta day... 'N Godzilla's definitely been throwin' a few annoyed looks yer way..."
"Lemme finish, wouldya...? 'N... well... I've had a lot on my mind... wha' with goin' back ta Vernal 'n all... it's makin' me think about a lotta stuff I'd rather not think about... 'n stuff I thought I was done thinkin' about... But... it was better... comin' campin' like this... 'n goin' hikin'... it's better than stayin' home woulda been... even though I migh' be more outta sorts than usual... I just wanted ya ta know tha'..."
"Thanks, Ed."
"'N my pa... I appreciate you not bringin' him up... But... I know... well... I know there's some folks who think I'm real hard-hearted... fer not wantin' ta go see him 'n all... Only..."
"Dammit, Ed... that ain't true... Not even a l'il bit...Hell... ev'rybody who knows you knows yer the furthest thing from hard-hearted.... Although if'n you were talkin' hard-headed then tha'd be a diff'rent story altogether..."
"Well... maybe you don't think so... But I hear it in their voices..."
"Yer hearin' voices now...? Tha' cain't be good..."
"I hear it in the voices a them nurses, dumbass... when I call ta check on how he's doin' ev'ry month 'n a half or so..."
"Yeah...? Well they don't know a damn thing about it."
"But... it's just tha'... when I left... when I was 15... almost 16 I guess... Jeez... Can tha' really be fifty years ago...? Damn... But... I swore I'd never have nothin' more ta do with him again... or with my ma... after wha' Ruth 'n me went through with 'em... 'N Ruth... she felt the same... 'N all this... with the house 'n checkin' on him 'n all... even that's more than I woulda wanted ta do... but I gotta do it... if'n only on accounta I don't want Ruth ta hafta... But seein' him... I don't wanna do tha'... 'n I ain't gonna..."
"Ya don't gotta, Ed... No one's gonna think no less of ya if'n ya don't..."
"'N it ain't on accounta I'm afraid a seein' him... or on accounta I'm mad or anythin' like tha'... 'cause I ain't... not no more anyways... Hell... I feel sorry fer him even... but I don't feel nothin' else fer him... one way or another... But even tha' seems wrong somehow..."
"It's okay, Ed... 'N it ain't wrong. It just is what it is... Hell... Ya've said that yerself... more than once even... 'N feelin' tha' way's better 'n bein' angry... a whole lot better..."
"Yeah. I guess."
"So's... how 'bout I put on some music... help ya relax 'n ferget about it all fer a l'il while... I think I saw somethin' 'n Betty's cds that'll do the trick..."
"I thought we gave them cds back ta her...?"
"We did... But then when she borrowed the truck again she fergot 'em again..."
"Great. Jus' great. Remind me ta give them back ta her the very minute we get home..."
"They're still out in the truck... I'll be righ' back..."
"Don't bother, Hank... Hank...? Dammit..."
Two minutes later...
"C'mon, Hank... I ain't in the mood fer nothin'... uh... over the top..."
"It ain't over the top. Well... maybe justa l'il... But it's country music... new-fangled country... but still country... 'n it's guaranteed ta soothe the savage beast in ya... Or wake it up maybe... but in a real soothin' way... 'N I promise not ta sing neither... Here..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Jh2Dx4N2O8
"You ain't gonna sing...? Wha' the hell's the occasion...?"
"'N I promise I'll turn it off if'n ya want me to..."
"Now I know I mus' be dreamin'..."
"Dumbass."
"'Just breathe, huh...?"
"Yep.. Ms. Faith Hill... Ya want me ta turn it off...? I'll turn it off if'n it's gonna annoy ya... 'n put on somethin' real man-like... Johnny Cash even... 'I shot a man in Reno... just ta watch him die'... Or maybe... 'MY NAME IS SUE!! HOW DO YOU DO?!?'..."
"Nah... it ain't gonna annoy me... But yer sure startin' to..."
"I'm... annoyin'... you...?"
"As usual."
"Well... you know well 'nough how ta shut me up if'n ya wanna..."
"C'mere, dumbass..."
The next morning...
"Damn... It may not have rained much here... but it sure as hell rained somewheres upstream..."
"Yeah... it looks like a good chunk a the west side a the park is floatin' by us..."
"So's, Hank...?"
"Yeah...?"
"Last nigh'... Tha' was... well... it was..."
"It sure was."
"But..."
"Wha'...?"
"I cain't exactly promise I still won't be a l'il more ornery than usual... 'til after the closin'... 'n Vernal's in our rear-view mirror least-wise..."
"'S okay, Ed. I can take it."
"You hungry, Hank...?"
"You betcha."
"Well... how's 'bout I make ya breakfast... 'fore it takes hold a me again..."
"Sounds good, Dr. Jekyll."
"Dumbass."
"But... I gotta admit... yer Mr. Hyde ain't without his charm... So's... I don't s'pose he'd be available fer a late date tonight...? In the tent..."
"I dunno... Is the Wolfman gonna be there...?"
"I think tha' could be arranged..."
"Then you got yerself a date."
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