Life dump ish.
So, this is sort of ridiculous.
I think I might miss college.
I know, I know. I'm the girl who never wanted to go, who wanted to stay home and work and go to community college, who took classes all summer every summer in hope of finally ending the ridiculous process of going to school so you can go to school again.
I don't really miss classes. I mean. Well. Yes, okay I do. I like learning. I like doing new things. I operate best under deadlines, and without classes, I don't have nearly so many. I miss linguistics classes, and literature classes, and writing classes, and walking around campus in between, getting coffee because I wasn't getting sleep.
But really, I miss having roommates. I miss living with people who don't feel like they're a part of me. I like having people around who don't know everything about me. Who... have interests, and lives, that I'm not required to take interest in, but can. And do. I love living with Zack, don't get me wrong. He's... everything. And don't take what I'm saying as the two of us not having lives outside one another. We totally do. I read, and play on the internet, and write (sometimes...), and knit, and talk to friends. And he plays video games, and works on commission moving web sites, and plays around with his friends and goes on man dates. But even though we're not really all that codependent, we know each other inside and out. I love being with him, and I learn new things about him all the time. But still... I miss college roommates. I miss Indian food at midnight, and tea all the time, and IMing the person in the next room. I miss when someone would do something ridiculous, or odd, and I didn't have to question why, and might never find out. I miss knowing that something would almost always be going on, and not know what it might be.
Zack feels the same way. He actually brought it up a few days ago. A friend of ours wants to move out of his parents' place, and I wish we had a spare bedroom and more central location so that we could let him move in with us.
Sometimes I think that I might not be ready to be all grown up and married. I want to do all kinds of fun things. aussiemozzie and I could move to London together. I could learn to play guitar. I could live alone and write all the time. I could be homeless and save up all my money for a crazy year of backpacking across Europe, or Asia, or Canada. I want to go place and do things and experience life in all sorts of ways. But I love Zack, and I want to marry him, and I am, in fact, aware that he and I could do all those things together (Except I think he might draw a line at being homeless with me), and that it would probably mean a lot to both of us, and bring us closer.
He and I talked about this last night. About all the things I want to do, and what we want to do as a couple. But there are trade-offs to be made, and I don't know if I want to make them. Two years of traveling means two more years till babies. A grand adventure will push back our ability to buy a house. Having children soon would mean not traveling (probably) until they're grown. And I don't know how he can calmly agree that we would just have to wait twenty years to make it to Russia. Or Italy. Or Japan. Or maybe we wouldn't have to wait that long, but... I want an adventure. I do. And I want babies. And all my life I've envisioned doing both. Doing both together. But I never envisioned a husband in the mix. And I always imagined that I would be poor as hell, that I would drift from job to job, and that the travel would involve cheap motels and hostels and people's couches. But turns out that's not really as feasible or exciting as I wish it was. And Zack would never, ever go for it. He hesitates to stay in a less than three star hotel. He wants that house with a white picket fence, and he's ready for it now.
So odd, that he's the one ready to settle down.
Also, completely on another subject: My mother is about to drive me freaking insane. I think that she thinks of me as still her kid, which is fine in that I don't mind when they help us out (not that they really do, since they have no money either), and I know I will always be her baby. But, uh. I do not need Mommy's approval to every wedding decision I make. I do not need her to plan this whole event for me. And I know, I know that she's been imagining this day longer than I have, and that I need to take her feelings into account, and that since they are (apparently ?) paying for a lot, she gets a say. I was having fun with this whole planning thing until she got involved, and now I can't wait for it to just be over. And it's not that she's done any one thing that makes me mad. She just has this attitude that before a decision can be made, before a contract can be signed, she has to approve it. Not because it's her money, but because she doesn't trust me to make the right decision. As if I am going to choose the wrong thing, for sure, and she needs to check up on me and fix it before we commit to anything. I'm tempted to say that if she's going to act like that, I'll just plan it on my own and she can wait to see what happens. Except that there's the money issue, and I don't want to be like that anyway. She is my mother, and I do care about her opinion. But I care about mine more. Sigh. I don't know how to approach it with her, either.
I think I might miss college.
I know, I know. I'm the girl who never wanted to go, who wanted to stay home and work and go to community college, who took classes all summer every summer in hope of finally ending the ridiculous process of going to school so you can go to school again.
I don't really miss classes. I mean. Well. Yes, okay I do. I like learning. I like doing new things. I operate best under deadlines, and without classes, I don't have nearly so many. I miss linguistics classes, and literature classes, and writing classes, and walking around campus in between, getting coffee because I wasn't getting sleep.
But really, I miss having roommates. I miss living with people who don't feel like they're a part of me. I like having people around who don't know everything about me. Who... have interests, and lives, that I'm not required to take interest in, but can. And do. I love living with Zack, don't get me wrong. He's... everything. And don't take what I'm saying as the two of us not having lives outside one another. We totally do. I read, and play on the internet, and write (sometimes...), and knit, and talk to friends. And he plays video games, and works on commission moving web sites, and plays around with his friends and goes on man dates. But even though we're not really all that codependent, we know each other inside and out. I love being with him, and I learn new things about him all the time. But still... I miss college roommates. I miss Indian food at midnight, and tea all the time, and IMing the person in the next room. I miss when someone would do something ridiculous, or odd, and I didn't have to question why, and might never find out. I miss knowing that something would almost always be going on, and not know what it might be.
Zack feels the same way. He actually brought it up a few days ago. A friend of ours wants to move out of his parents' place, and I wish we had a spare bedroom and more central location so that we could let him move in with us.
Sometimes I think that I might not be ready to be all grown up and married. I want to do all kinds of fun things. aussiemozzie and I could move to London together. I could learn to play guitar. I could live alone and write all the time. I could be homeless and save up all my money for a crazy year of backpacking across Europe, or Asia, or Canada. I want to go place and do things and experience life in all sorts of ways. But I love Zack, and I want to marry him, and I am, in fact, aware that he and I could do all those things together (Except I think he might draw a line at being homeless with me), and that it would probably mean a lot to both of us, and bring us closer.
He and I talked about this last night. About all the things I want to do, and what we want to do as a couple. But there are trade-offs to be made, and I don't know if I want to make them. Two years of traveling means two more years till babies. A grand adventure will push back our ability to buy a house. Having children soon would mean not traveling (probably) until they're grown. And I don't know how he can calmly agree that we would just have to wait twenty years to make it to Russia. Or Italy. Or Japan. Or maybe we wouldn't have to wait that long, but... I want an adventure. I do. And I want babies. And all my life I've envisioned doing both. Doing both together. But I never envisioned a husband in the mix. And I always imagined that I would be poor as hell, that I would drift from job to job, and that the travel would involve cheap motels and hostels and people's couches. But turns out that's not really as feasible or exciting as I wish it was. And Zack would never, ever go for it. He hesitates to stay in a less than three star hotel. He wants that house with a white picket fence, and he's ready for it now.
So odd, that he's the one ready to settle down.
Also, completely on another subject: My mother is about to drive me freaking insane. I think that she thinks of me as still her kid, which is fine in that I don't mind when they help us out (not that they really do, since they have no money either), and I know I will always be her baby. But, uh. I do not need Mommy's approval to every wedding decision I make. I do not need her to plan this whole event for me. And I know, I know that she's been imagining this day longer than I have, and that I need to take her feelings into account, and that since they are (apparently ?) paying for a lot, she gets a say. I was having fun with this whole planning thing until she got involved, and now I can't wait for it to just be over. And it's not that she's done any one thing that makes me mad. She just has this attitude that before a decision can be made, before a contract can be signed, she has to approve it. Not because it's her money, but because she doesn't trust me to make the right decision. As if I am going to choose the wrong thing, for sure, and she needs to check up on me and fix it before we commit to anything. I'm tempted to say that if she's going to act like that, I'll just plan it on my own and she can wait to see what happens. Except that there's the money issue, and I don't want to be like that anyway. She is my mother, and I do care about her opinion. But I care about mine more. Sigh. I don't know how to approach it with her, either.