Comments | myorp: A bit of poetry: "The Metaphor of Hope"

myorp

A bit of poetry: "The Metaphor of Hope"

Jun 11, 2011 00:48

::Edit:: I think we got it fixed. I think it may be slightly greeting-card like, but overall at this point I'm happy with how it turned out.

The Metaphor of Hope
The verses rise and fall ( Read more... )

writing, poem

Comments 7

duathir June 11 2011, 06:08:17 UTC

It is well done. I would only suggest you change the second line of the fourth verse, for that it does not rhyme.

myorp June 11 2011, 06:12:26 UTC

thought it sort of worked as an off-rhyme but the rest weren't like that so it does sort of stick out. we'll see what we can come up with. thanks!

~kat

myorp June 11 2011, 06:50:46 UTC

A significant revision has been accomplished. I think that perhaps that this version may be a better fit for the overall tone, in addition to having dealt with the broken rhyme-scheme. Thank you for the critique my friend.

~Morgil

moonlightgryph June 11 2011, 13:12:50 UTC

I love this <3 I needed to hear of hope today.

myorp June 17 2011, 01:18:10 UTC

We're very glad it brightened your day!

~Kent

duathir June 13 2011, 19:41:07 UTC

I like the changes very much. Better rhyme, and the meaning is clearer also. False rhyme is best kept to internal rhyme; the difference is too incongruous in end rhymes. Technically, callous and malice are false rhymes, but they are close enough to pass for true in modern American English, and seldom paired, thus have a quality of freshness.

The greeting-card quality is caused by the uneven meter, and by the use of obsolete contractions to make one syllable out of two. These are also common in folk music, where uneven scansion can be covered by varying the length of notes, and where archaism is often considered a virtue.

If you seek to write rhymed and metered poetry in the classic forms, your rhymes, meter and usage must be precise. That is the quality which distinguishes it from folk poetry, such as that found in greeting cards. Note that there is a far greater market for greeting-card poems than for villanelles and Petrarchian sonnets.

My sister and I are both members of greatpoets, a community you might also enjoy. May you be well my

myorp June 17 2011, 01:20:17 UTC

Don't know that we really will be able to get involved in another comm. We don't get on LJ as often as we should and we are in a small writing comm started by our sister in law anyway! Thank you for the suggestion though, and the advice. We're pretty satisfied with it after the revision. We're glad you enjoyed it!

~Kent