(no subject)
so christmas is coming soon..and i realized a lot about myself this year..
this year one of the things that means the most to me..was taken away from me. the best friend i've had since i've moved to the worst town i could ever imagine living in. the first boy i've ever truly fallen in love with. the first thing that ever really meant something to me. the first person that i never wanted to lose. sure, we still talk..but we have to go behind our parent's backs to do it..we can't ever truly be together again because we can't hang out with eachother long enough for it to work. when i turn 18 though, we will be together again. he's my soulmate, i know he is. if he's not then i seriously know nothing about my life and the way it's supposed to work. but i guess none of us do. that's the scariest thing about it. losing him though, was one of the hardest things i've had to face-ever. nothing has ever brought me to this point. nothing. i think this is a challenge for me. with work, school, and him..i don't think i've ever been so stressed out in my life. but that's okay. it's all God's way of getting me to learn responsibility and grow as a person. it's all an obstacle for me on my way through life. i'll get through it. "whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger."
i think people mistake me for who i really am. the drama, the lies, the makeup, the clothes..none of it's real. none of it's me. before i moved here, i didn't care about if i had american eagle, hollister, or wetseal clothes..i didn't care if i did my makeup everyday. i didn't care about my appearance, rather i focused more on who i was as a person..my morality, my values..what i wanted out of myself and my friends. highschool and winter springs changed me..turned me into something i'd rather not be. instead of being an individual, i'm just another face in the crowd. i follow people i would've never followed before, rather i would have stood next to them being myself instead of being like them. Copying isn't the right word for this, the two words "fitting in" are. The past 2 and 1/2 years of highschool have changed everything about me, from my mentality to my emotions to my physical appearance. I feel as if i have to play a part here. I feel like i have to be pretty to be liked..i dont feel as if in highschool, personality matters, because all i've learned from being here, is that everyone is two-faced, everyone's a bitch..they all fuck eachother over..but that's okay..because they're all pretty so they stick together. diversity in my school is a minimum to none. everyone you think would "stick together"-does stick together. and that's one of the things i hate most about my school, is that i grew up learning to be friends with everyone..to treat everyone equally. To treat other people how they treat me. I respect everyone. I don't like being labeled, or put into a certain "group"- It doesn't feel right to me. sure, just like everyone else i love having a few bestfriends that are always there, but it's not as if i want those to be my only friends. Highschool has changed my optimistic outlook on everything. I feel as if i need to be a bitch, rather than be nice to everyone, because i don't want to get fucked over by people, and that's sad. If you ask people i knew 3 years ago, they would tell you i was one of the sweetest people you would ever meet in your life..but if you ask people now..they would tell you i'm one of the biggest bitches you'll ever meet in your life. I feel as if now i have to put a surrounding up-a shield not letting anyone in because i don't want them to fuck me over in the long run. I feel as if i need to put makeup on everyday to look pretty..for people to give me compliments..i feel like i need to look a certain way..be a certain figure, to be pretty. As shallow as that sounds, that's where this has taken me. That's what this town and highschool have done to me. Emotionally right now, i'm more unstable than most people could imagine..i can't even put on a smile everyday to make other people happy, because i'm to the point where faking a smile doesn't even make me feel better anymore. I used to be able to keep my problems inside of me and deal with them myself, but now it's one of the hardest things to do. I feel as if i have so much inside that it has to be let out..that if i don't cry or scream or hit something then i'm going to die.
But when it comes down to it..until highschool is over, this won't be over. I'm going to change everday..every week..every month..every year..until i grow to learn who i want to be. And when it really comes down to it, i'll wake up again everymorning and put on my makeup, my clothes..and deal with all the drama and lies..no matter how immature and unrealistic they are, they're a part of life that i need to deal with..no matter how much i try to push them out of my life. None of us are real, none of us know who we really are or who we really want to be, we all live in a world full of materialistic things, rather than what really matters- our values.
everyone have an awesome break and good luck on your exams..a new year is right around the corner..another year to grow, another year to make mistakes, and most importantly, another year to realize who we truly are<3
this year one of the things that means the most to me..was taken away from me. the best friend i've had since i've moved to the worst town i could ever imagine living in. the first boy i've ever truly fallen in love with. the first thing that ever really meant something to me. the first person that i never wanted to lose. sure, we still talk..but we have to go behind our parent's backs to do it..we can't ever truly be together again because we can't hang out with eachother long enough for it to work. when i turn 18 though, we will be together again. he's my soulmate, i know he is. if he's not then i seriously know nothing about my life and the way it's supposed to work. but i guess none of us do. that's the scariest thing about it. losing him though, was one of the hardest things i've had to face-ever. nothing has ever brought me to this point. nothing. i think this is a challenge for me. with work, school, and him..i don't think i've ever been so stressed out in my life. but that's okay. it's all God's way of getting me to learn responsibility and grow as a person. it's all an obstacle for me on my way through life. i'll get through it. "whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger."
i think people mistake me for who i really am. the drama, the lies, the makeup, the clothes..none of it's real. none of it's me. before i moved here, i didn't care about if i had american eagle, hollister, or wetseal clothes..i didn't care if i did my makeup everyday. i didn't care about my appearance, rather i focused more on who i was as a person..my morality, my values..what i wanted out of myself and my friends. highschool and winter springs changed me..turned me into something i'd rather not be. instead of being an individual, i'm just another face in the crowd. i follow people i would've never followed before, rather i would have stood next to them being myself instead of being like them. Copying isn't the right word for this, the two words "fitting in" are. The past 2 and 1/2 years of highschool have changed everything about me, from my mentality to my emotions to my physical appearance. I feel as if i have to play a part here. I feel like i have to be pretty to be liked..i dont feel as if in highschool, personality matters, because all i've learned from being here, is that everyone is two-faced, everyone's a bitch..they all fuck eachother over..but that's okay..because they're all pretty so they stick together. diversity in my school is a minimum to none. everyone you think would "stick together"-does stick together. and that's one of the things i hate most about my school, is that i grew up learning to be friends with everyone..to treat everyone equally. To treat other people how they treat me. I respect everyone. I don't like being labeled, or put into a certain "group"- It doesn't feel right to me. sure, just like everyone else i love having a few bestfriends that are always there, but it's not as if i want those to be my only friends. Highschool has changed my optimistic outlook on everything. I feel as if i need to be a bitch, rather than be nice to everyone, because i don't want to get fucked over by people, and that's sad. If you ask people i knew 3 years ago, they would tell you i was one of the sweetest people you would ever meet in your life..but if you ask people now..they would tell you i'm one of the biggest bitches you'll ever meet in your life. I feel as if now i have to put a surrounding up-a shield not letting anyone in because i don't want them to fuck me over in the long run. I feel as if i need to put makeup on everyday to look pretty..for people to give me compliments..i feel like i need to look a certain way..be a certain figure, to be pretty. As shallow as that sounds, that's where this has taken me. That's what this town and highschool have done to me. Emotionally right now, i'm more unstable than most people could imagine..i can't even put on a smile everyday to make other people happy, because i'm to the point where faking a smile doesn't even make me feel better anymore. I used to be able to keep my problems inside of me and deal with them myself, but now it's one of the hardest things to do. I feel as if i have so much inside that it has to be let out..that if i don't cry or scream or hit something then i'm going to die.
But when it comes down to it..until highschool is over, this won't be over. I'm going to change everday..every week..every month..every year..until i grow to learn who i want to be. And when it really comes down to it, i'll wake up again everymorning and put on my makeup, my clothes..and deal with all the drama and lies..no matter how immature and unrealistic they are, they're a part of life that i need to deal with..no matter how much i try to push them out of my life. None of us are real, none of us know who we really are or who we really want to be, we all live in a world full of materialistic things, rather than what really matters- our values.
everyone have an awesome break and good luck on your exams..a new year is right around the corner..another year to grow, another year to make mistakes, and most importantly, another year to realize who we truly are<3