My Big, Fat "Fokker" Wedding
So I wish I could say the entire event went off without a hitch... but you know, something always has to happen to give me a story, right? It's almost too stupid and embarrassing to admit.
(Although, that's what blogs are for, right?)
I was a bit nervous, of course. More than that, actually. Last-minute jitters began to subtract from my IQ by the minute, as my anxiety level began to climb. This was my third wedding. Was I being hasty? (Images of Treebeard come to mind right now, as I sit her contemplating everything afterwards) Pipes was wonderful. She not only got herself ready, but the girls. I just had to get myself ready.
We got up to the wedding site, and I realized that I'd left all of the cold-packs for my special vest! I thought myself pretty clever... We were going to be in a garden wedding, outside in the August afternoon heat, wearing dresses and tuxedos, and I'd acquired a special, medical vest designed to keep people sensitive to heat at a comfortable 60° for hours. Only, those cold-packs were still sitting in my freezer, 20 miles south of us!
So I had to go back. Thankfully, we had time to spare. I got back, and was able to help my future Brother-in-Law fix a strand of Japanese festival lanterns which'd been hung backwards (but beautifully so!), with their plug out in the tree, instead of by the house! (Meanwhile, the landscapers were just putting their finishing touches on the massive waterfall and pond which now dominates Mom and Dad's backyard... the pump was being glued together, and plants were being lowered into place, inside the water)
Time to get ready. Rudy, my Best Man, arrived and we went to get ready at Pipes' brother's place.
!!!
Wait a minute... did Pipes get the tux out of the trunk, already???
The horrible realization that my tuxedo was still in our house, hanging in our bedroom, came upon me with a sharp thrust into my gut.
Okay, just breathe. The wedding is supposed to start in half an hour -- the Judge should be arriving in fifteen minutes!-- but my family is an hour late just getting there (as always)...
My future In-Laws haven't even gotten in the shower yet, still being busy with the last-minute preparations on the catering and such.
Not to worry, right? Right?!?
I was burning serious rubber on my second trip back. I was in a seriously foul mood as I jinked around car and van (and even, passed one highway patrollman at a careful 5mph above the speed limit) to get myself home to Salt Lake City. Think: the kind of driving you always see in a given movie from a new Daddy, once Mom goes into labor. (Pipes called while I was on my way: just make sure I don't kill myself before we said our I-do's. Oh, and by the way, an extraneous album was still in with the wedding playlist I'd created... her brother was about to attempt to excise it, and hopefully that wouldn't delete the entire playlist)
I'm all sweaty from helping in the garden anyway, and the landscapers had been smoking. I need a shower. Yeah, this is a good thing.
I got home. Just in case, I quickly rebuilt the playlist for the reception on my own iPod (I'll explain later why I had to do this, instead of just synching an existing list), and then jumped into the shower. Five phone calls, from Pipes, from my Dad (who had finally gotten to the wedding, and where was I??? EVERYONE IS WAITING!!!) and from my Best Man later, I was hastily dressed in my tux and speeding back up to the wedding... and still, in a very foul mood. I began uttering prayers through my car's roof at 90mph:
Heavenly Father, I know I am far too angry and frustrated right now, and I know I am having a very hard time changing my mood. I don't want to make things any worse when I get there...
I got there fifteen minutes before the Judge needed to leave. Thankfully, he was a childhood friend of my father's, and was being very patient and understanding.
I'm told that Pipes was outside when my car dropped out of lightspeed into their street, and comically bolted inside (her dress bunched in her arms as she ran) to avoid my seeing her before the special moment... her brother ran interference long enough to delay me, on my way to the bathroom for a few, still very pissed-off, finishing touches. I quickly tightened my waistband; set my tie, vest and jacket to rights; made one last, angry appraisal in the mirror and exited.
My Mother-in-Law pulled me aside when she saw my face, and gave me a quick pep-talk. She made me take a few deep breaths, and remonstrated that I didn't want this to be a miserable occasion, did I? I hugged her, but I still didn't feel much better. I was still praying for help with my stubbornly miserable heart as I walked outside. I'd been informed that my grandparents had already left- Grandpa wasn't feeling well. I felt miserable as all eyes fell upon me. (Why in Hell were they even smiling!?) I felt like my Tux was too hastily applied. I felt like I looked terrible. I certainly didn't want any photos!
They were in such a hurry to start that the music immediately began after I got up front. My Best Man was still indisposed. I had to motion frantically for them to cut the music, and the look on my face must have been murderous, from the look I got in reply. In just another minute, Rudy took his place beside me, and I turned to face the back, still trying very hard not to frown as the music started again.
...And suddenly the blessed change came upon me as I saw Pipes, for the very first time, in her wedding dress!
Every bit of anger and frustration fell away from my mind. Pipes' eyes grew more pink and watery as she made her way to my side. An effulgent warmth spread within me, as I took her hand, and we began our vows. ("...And the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day!...")
And after that, everything was perfect. Or nearly so. The weather even managed to hold, except for some menacing clouds and a few, powerful gusts, until just after everything was over. (Thanks, Heavenly Father!)
The rest became a blur.
You know, I'd completely forgotten about "the Line". Man, you wouldn't think it's such a challenge to stay in one place for so long, and talk to strangers, until you try it. No bathroom breaks, no chance to rehydrate, or partake of the other refreshments, except for a couple of very brief windows. After getting just halfway through the massive procession of people, I found myself running out of witty repartee, and began recycling the same material every fourth or fifth member of Pipes' ginormous family tree. (Her father has a dozen siblings, and then was her mother's family, their family's church congregation, and a seeming quarter of the population of Farmington. I don't mean to sound ungrateful -- it was truly wonderful to meet all of those people -- but it's just a hard thing to stand there and smile at other people when the grandest desire of your heart is to have a quiet moment with your newly-wedded Wife!
Today, I am in a state of near-disbelief as I attempt to encompass my new reality. After all of the intensive preparations of the last few months, it seems an odd thing to actually, finally, be married. And it feels so good to have all of that mess over and done with!
Guest Lists.
Decorations.
Caterers.
Photographs.
A last-minute crisis with my tuxedo, where I basically had to threaten post-marital legal action if Men's Wearhouse didn't make good on their guarantee to fix problems.
It was fun, sometimes funny, sometimes very frustrating, and alllways stressful. But we're so done with the wedding, and so ready to get on with the marriage.
...After we head up to Logan tonight, for our own, private celebration. ;-)
(Although, that's what blogs are for, right?)
I was a bit nervous, of course. More than that, actually. Last-minute jitters began to subtract from my IQ by the minute, as my anxiety level began to climb. This was my third wedding. Was I being hasty? (Images of Treebeard come to mind right now, as I sit her contemplating everything afterwards) Pipes was wonderful. She not only got herself ready, but the girls. I just had to get myself ready.
We got up to the wedding site, and I realized that I'd left all of the cold-packs for my special vest! I thought myself pretty clever... We were going to be in a garden wedding, outside in the August afternoon heat, wearing dresses and tuxedos, and I'd acquired a special, medical vest designed to keep people sensitive to heat at a comfortable 60° for hours. Only, those cold-packs were still sitting in my freezer, 20 miles south of us!
So I had to go back. Thankfully, we had time to spare. I got back, and was able to help my future Brother-in-Law fix a strand of Japanese festival lanterns which'd been hung backwards (but beautifully so!), with their plug out in the tree, instead of by the house! (Meanwhile, the landscapers were just putting their finishing touches on the massive waterfall and pond which now dominates Mom and Dad's backyard... the pump was being glued together, and plants were being lowered into place, inside the water)
Time to get ready. Rudy, my Best Man, arrived and we went to get ready at Pipes' brother's place.
!!!
Wait a minute... did Pipes get the tux out of the trunk, already???
The horrible realization that my tuxedo was still in our house, hanging in our bedroom, came upon me with a sharp thrust into my gut.
Okay, just breathe. The wedding is supposed to start in half an hour -- the Judge should be arriving in fifteen minutes!-- but my family is an hour late just getting there (as always)...
My future In-Laws haven't even gotten in the shower yet, still being busy with the last-minute preparations on the catering and such.
Not to worry, right? Right?!?
I was burning serious rubber on my second trip back. I was in a seriously foul mood as I jinked around car and van (and even, passed one highway patrollman at a careful 5mph above the speed limit) to get myself home to Salt Lake City. Think: the kind of driving you always see in a given movie from a new Daddy, once Mom goes into labor. (Pipes called while I was on my way: just make sure I don't kill myself before we said our I-do's. Oh, and by the way, an extraneous album was still in with the wedding playlist I'd created... her brother was about to attempt to excise it, and hopefully that wouldn't delete the entire playlist)
I'm all sweaty from helping in the garden anyway, and the landscapers had been smoking. I need a shower. Yeah, this is a good thing.
I got home. Just in case, I quickly rebuilt the playlist for the reception on my own iPod (I'll explain later why I had to do this, instead of just synching an existing list), and then jumped into the shower. Five phone calls, from Pipes, from my Dad (who had finally gotten to the wedding, and where was I??? EVERYONE IS WAITING!!!) and from my Best Man later, I was hastily dressed in my tux and speeding back up to the wedding... and still, in a very foul mood. I began uttering prayers through my car's roof at 90mph:
Heavenly Father, I know I am far too angry and frustrated right now, and I know I am having a very hard time changing my mood. I don't want to make things any worse when I get there...
I got there fifteen minutes before the Judge needed to leave. Thankfully, he was a childhood friend of my father's, and was being very patient and understanding.
I'm told that Pipes was outside when my car dropped out of lightspeed into their street, and comically bolted inside (her dress bunched in her arms as she ran) to avoid my seeing her before the special moment... her brother ran interference long enough to delay me, on my way to the bathroom for a few, still very pissed-off, finishing touches. I quickly tightened my waistband; set my tie, vest and jacket to rights; made one last, angry appraisal in the mirror and exited.
My Mother-in-Law pulled me aside when she saw my face, and gave me a quick pep-talk. She made me take a few deep breaths, and remonstrated that I didn't want this to be a miserable occasion, did I? I hugged her, but I still didn't feel much better. I was still praying for help with my stubbornly miserable heart as I walked outside. I'd been informed that my grandparents had already left- Grandpa wasn't feeling well. I felt miserable as all eyes fell upon me. (Why in Hell were they even smiling!?) I felt like my Tux was too hastily applied. I felt like I looked terrible. I certainly didn't want any photos!
They were in such a hurry to start that the music immediately began after I got up front. My Best Man was still indisposed. I had to motion frantically for them to cut the music, and the look on my face must have been murderous, from the look I got in reply. In just another minute, Rudy took his place beside me, and I turned to face the back, still trying very hard not to frown as the music started again.
...And suddenly the blessed change came upon me as I saw Pipes, for the very first time, in her wedding dress!
Every bit of anger and frustration fell away from my mind. Pipes' eyes grew more pink and watery as she made her way to my side. An effulgent warmth spread within me, as I took her hand, and we began our vows. ("...And the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day!...")
And after that, everything was perfect. Or nearly so. The weather even managed to hold, except for some menacing clouds and a few, powerful gusts, until just after everything was over. (Thanks, Heavenly Father!)
The rest became a blur.
You know, I'd completely forgotten about "the Line". Man, you wouldn't think it's such a challenge to stay in one place for so long, and talk to strangers, until you try it. No bathroom breaks, no chance to rehydrate, or partake of the other refreshments, except for a couple of very brief windows. After getting just halfway through the massive procession of people, I found myself running out of witty repartee, and began recycling the same material every fourth or fifth member of Pipes' ginormous family tree. (Her father has a dozen siblings, and then was her mother's family, their family's church congregation, and a seeming quarter of the population of Farmington. I don't mean to sound ungrateful -- it was truly wonderful to meet all of those people -- but it's just a hard thing to stand there and smile at other people when the grandest desire of your heart is to have a quiet moment with your newly-wedded Wife!
Today, I am in a state of near-disbelief as I attempt to encompass my new reality. After all of the intensive preparations of the last few months, it seems an odd thing to actually, finally, be married. And it feels so good to have all of that mess over and done with!
Guest Lists.
Decorations.
Caterers.
Photographs.
A last-minute crisis with my tuxedo, where I basically had to threaten post-marital legal action if Men's Wearhouse didn't make good on their guarantee to fix problems.
It was fun, sometimes funny, sometimes very frustrating, and alllways stressful. But we're so done with the wedding, and so ready to get on with the marriage.
...After we head up to Logan tonight, for our own, private celebration. ;-)