I am happy (or, why your precious Edward Cullen can suck my proverbial dick)
Would you like to know why I'm happy?
WARNING: The following is a rant about my opinions vs. everyone else's. Some people might not care about my opinion, and that's fine. But if you click, please be warned, my rants get very uppity when I'm as tired as I am. Thank you
Last week I went to Cape Cod with my dad and his fiancee and the corresponding children. I finished the book I was reading and needed another one, because I don't actually go to the beach to swim anymore. So since the only other book I brought was a hardcover Harry Potter and you just don't lug that shit to the beach, I looked through the bookshelves. These bookshelves are 50% books that came with the house that belonged to the previous owners, and 50% books I donated because I hadn't read them in years but didn't want to give them away completely. The previous owners liked 24 novelazations a lot, so I picked one of my own. The first book in the Cirque du Freak series.
Now, I've had this book since Elementary school, I'm pretty sure. Maybe Middle School. Who can say. The point is it's old, and it's not really aimed at 21 year old ladies like myself. It wasn't even really made for ladies. It was made for boys. This is why limbs are gratuitously hacked off in this series, because that's the only way you're going to get adolescent males to read on their own these days.
But these are fun books. Sure, the dialog is a little stilted, but they are fun. These are vampire books that are actually about fucking VAMPIRES. Where there is actually blood sucking and they don't sparkle in the sun, they fucking explode.
Let me tell you something about your precious Edward Cullen, ladies. He may be pretty (and only to you. I honestly don't see the appeal of a guy who always looks like he's holding back a really huge fart), but Larten Crepsley could buy and sell his ass. And then he would tear it off and feed it to the wolfman. Because Larten Crepsley has a wolfman. That is just how he rolls.
So today I went to Barnes and Noble and bought the next two books in the series, because they're super cheap because Darren Shan doesn't fuck around with purple prose, nor does he refer to Larten Crepsley as a statuesque Adonis every time he can. No, my dears. Darren Shan gets shit done. Plot? Right there on page one. Rising action? Comes in the form of a vampire swooping down a motherfucking Victorian stage. Climax? Heartwrenching and teaches children that their stupid actions have consequences. What does Twilight teach you? If you fall in love with someone, it doesn't matter if they stalk you, rape you, put you in mortal danger, or kill you themselves. As long as they're hot and as long as they promise they really, really love you.
I should be sleeping right now. I have to get up at 7:30 to go to work. But I'm not. Because you kids need to be taught a lesson. And here's something I just discovered, staying up as late as I am:
Now, if you have actually taken the time to read the first couple of books in the series, you will notice there are a lot of changes. Fair enough. But let me ask you this. Does this not look like a very, very fun movie? And also, who do you think would make a more awesome vampire? Robert Pattinson, or John C. Reilly. If you said John C. Reilly, congratulations. You understand that vampires don't have to be drop dead gorgeous to be kick ass. If you chose Robert Pattinson, you need to look up "vampire" in the encyclopedia, find the list of things that vampires are supposed to do, and check off the things he actually does. I think you'll find the resulting list woefully short.
WARNING: The following is a rant about my opinions vs. everyone else's. Some people might not care about my opinion, and that's fine. But if you click, please be warned, my rants get very uppity when I'm as tired as I am. Thank you
Last week I went to Cape Cod with my dad and his fiancee and the corresponding children. I finished the book I was reading and needed another one, because I don't actually go to the beach to swim anymore. So since the only other book I brought was a hardcover Harry Potter and you just don't lug that shit to the beach, I looked through the bookshelves. These bookshelves are 50% books that came with the house that belonged to the previous owners, and 50% books I donated because I hadn't read them in years but didn't want to give them away completely. The previous owners liked 24 novelazations a lot, so I picked one of my own. The first book in the Cirque du Freak series.
Now, I've had this book since Elementary school, I'm pretty sure. Maybe Middle School. Who can say. The point is it's old, and it's not really aimed at 21 year old ladies like myself. It wasn't even really made for ladies. It was made for boys. This is why limbs are gratuitously hacked off in this series, because that's the only way you're going to get adolescent males to read on their own these days.
But these are fun books. Sure, the dialog is a little stilted, but they are fun. These are vampire books that are actually about fucking VAMPIRES. Where there is actually blood sucking and they don't sparkle in the sun, they fucking explode.
Let me tell you something about your precious Edward Cullen, ladies. He may be pretty (and only to you. I honestly don't see the appeal of a guy who always looks like he's holding back a really huge fart), but Larten Crepsley could buy and sell his ass. And then he would tear it off and feed it to the wolfman. Because Larten Crepsley has a wolfman. That is just how he rolls.
So today I went to Barnes and Noble and bought the next two books in the series, because they're super cheap because Darren Shan doesn't fuck around with purple prose, nor does he refer to Larten Crepsley as a statuesque Adonis every time he can. No, my dears. Darren Shan gets shit done. Plot? Right there on page one. Rising action? Comes in the form of a vampire swooping down a motherfucking Victorian stage. Climax? Heartwrenching and teaches children that their stupid actions have consequences. What does Twilight teach you? If you fall in love with someone, it doesn't matter if they stalk you, rape you, put you in mortal danger, or kill you themselves. As long as they're hot and as long as they promise they really, really love you.
I should be sleeping right now. I have to get up at 7:30 to go to work. But I'm not. Because you kids need to be taught a lesson. And here's something I just discovered, staying up as late as I am:
Click to viewNow, if you have actually taken the time to read the first couple of books in the series, you will notice there are a lot of changes. Fair enough. But let me ask you this. Does this not look like a very, very fun movie? And also, who do you think would make a more awesome vampire? Robert Pattinson, or John C. Reilly. If you said John C. Reilly, congratulations. You understand that vampires don't have to be drop dead gorgeous to be kick ass. If you chose Robert Pattinson, you need to look up "vampire" in the encyclopedia, find the list of things that vampires are supposed to do, and check off the things he actually does. I think you'll find the resulting list woefully short.