Harley's G/F convo.
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: hey
clsschartbreak: hey
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: i just wanted to tell you that i'm sorry if i don't seem the same lately...
clsschartbreak: it's okay
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: i'm going through an extremely hard time right now and i'm in more pain than i've ever been in my whole life.
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: at this point, i'd rather watch my mom die all over again.
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: just thought i should apologize if i'm not the same great person anymore.
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: i hope i helped you in some way , that's all i wanted.
clsschartbreak: you helped me do much..
clsschartbreak: but do you mind if i ask what's wrong?
clsschartbreak: so****
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: i can't really pinpoint it.
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: it's everyone and no one. it's nothing and everything...
clsschartbreak: i see
clsschartbreak: sort of
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: i've tried talking to people about it but it's only made it worse. i've tried talking to cam and harley and even my dad...i start therapy tomorrow but my dad said i can't tell them the truth because i will be put into a psych ward and i can't do that because salem won't let me back next year because i will have missed too many days of school.
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: so i don't see myself getting better until i have a couple of months to spare, so if you don't hear from me in the summer, i'll be in the ward. hopefully.
clsschartbreak: yikes..
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: and strangely, that's never sounded so rewarding
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: i have changed so much and i can't stand what i see when i look in the mirror anymore. not just my appearance, i am just reminded all the time that i am me and i can't change that and i don't want it.
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: so
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: yeah
clsschartbreak: you hate yourself?
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: prettymuch.
clsschartbreak: that's never good. but you already know that...
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: dad is really upset because he says that this is what my mom was going through mentally before she killed herself.
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: like mother like daughter?
clsschartbreak: yeah...
clsschartbreak: just don't kill yourself please...
clsschartbreak: harley and i need you.. along with so many other people
clsschartbreak: if you die i'm going to come to your funeral in bright yellows and blues and pinks.......
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: good. i want people to be happy.
clsschartbreak: we'll be happy if you stay with us
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: right now i can say that i won't kill myself but if i don't wake up tomorrow, i'm okay with that. one hundred percent.
clsschartbreak: i feel like that sometimes..
clsschartbreak: like if i die but don't go through the pain i'll be fine with it
clsschartbreak: i just don't want to know i'm dieing because i'd fight for my life and it would hurt
clsschartbreak: but that's okay too i guess
clsschartbreak: i just wouldn't want to die
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: i was once told that when i feel like i want to die, to just go to sleep. closest you can get. no pain, no thinking about what hurts you. but since tuesday of last week, i've had excruciating nightmares.
clsschartbreak: hmm...
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: someone tried to kill my brother and i found out on tuesday and since then i've had dreams worse than real life.
clsschartbreak: wow..
clsschartbreak: i've been having weird dreams for a while.. but no nightmares
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: when i'm alone, i'm horribly depressed and when i'm awake, i'm full of rage
clsschartbreak: so this is what you can't tell anyone till you have free time?
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: yes because they will call the police and i will be taken to a ward without choice.
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: they will lock me up and treat me like they did my mother.
clsschartbreak: and how was that?
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: like a FREAK
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: standard procedure.
clsschartbreak: but what did they do?
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: i don't know but when i went to visit her my dad would see her when she was alone and would come back out and tell me it was too bad that i couldn't see.
clsschartbreak: ahh..
clsschartbreak: i'm sorry.. i gotta go right now
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: that's fine.
clsschartbreak: i might be on later though.
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: okay
clsschartbreak: alrighty.. bye bye
Euphoriaxxxxxxxx: cya
clsschartbreak signed off at 5:17:35 PM.
I don't even know why I bother. With you and with him. With her and them. You're all just backstabbers.
And I'm learning not to care.