it's pretty good. I agree with eric is....that transition is funky a lot of she's....oh...it's from Fenix's pov?
Tempyst straightened to attention as the main doors opened.
“Is that engrained in you guys, or…”
>Her fiery eyes turned to a gentle green as the doors shut. Fenix turned around and subconsciously straightened. There was an Angel in his home.
>“An’gelucis!” she yelled as she ran towards him.
>>and you don't know which he it is
>He smirked as his little sister jumped the steps and leaped into his arms. Fenix walked forward and bowed to the Diplomat. An’gelucis nodded and bowed deeper. “Fourth Prince, I am honored.”
>>i know afterwards it's An'gelucis, but it could be made clearer.and after Tempyst yells An'gelicus......the he in the next paragraph.....there are two males in the scene..so you should split that paragraph...make it two, and put Angel's name in place of the He in the first sentence in that paragraph
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Chris
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the only confusing part was the transition from the fencing match to the solaris diplomat
gotta go to class!
Good work!
~Oro
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a lot of she's....oh...it's from Fenix's pov?
Tempyst straightened to attention as the main doors opened.
“Is that engrained in you guys, or…”
>Her fiery eyes turned to a gentle green as the doors shut. Fenix turned around and subconsciously straightened. There was an Angel in his home.
>“An’gelucis!” she yelled as she ran towards him.
>>and you don't know which he it is
>He smirked as his little sister jumped the steps and leaped into his arms. Fenix walked forward and bowed to the Diplomat. An’gelucis nodded and bowed deeper. “Fourth Prince, I am honored.”
>>i know afterwards it's An'gelucis, but it could be made clearer.and after Tempyst yells An'gelicus......the he in the next paragraph.....there are two males in the scene..so you should split that paragraph...make it two, and put Angel's name in place of the He in the first sentence in that paragraph
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