i dreamed of nurisng you. you were older, able to go for the breast on your own. i was sitting on a bed with no shirt on, holding you. you enthusiastically latched onto the left and nursed. it was a beautiful feeling. your body was laying weird, so i moved you to lay across me. after a minute or so, you flopped over and latched onto the right. i ( Read more... )

bill and i had another fight yesterday and the night before and him not being ready for another child. i got some clarity from megan, bless her heart, about allowing him to grieve how he needs to. i realized that i was rushing him, doubting his love for oliver, doubting his love for me. he told me some harsh truths about his thoughts the day oliver ( Read more... )

You, your state or mind at the moment: Dagger - defense, security
i am very much on the defense. from people who don't try to understand what i'm going through, from letting my heart being too exposed. being defensive gives me the sense of security that i need right now. to protect my heart.How you see yourself: The Sacred Grove - sanctuary, ( Read more... )

you died four months ago. your dad and i are both very sad today.
the sky is blue, the sun bright. it's about 43 degrees. i don't remember what the weather was like that day. i think maybe it was cloudy in the morning, walking to the car from the midwife center, driving to the hospital.

this grief consumes me.

i have never ever in my life looked forward to january. until this year. christmas and new years cannot possibly come and go quickly enough. i asked bill a little while ago what time it was, thinking it was late enough to go to bed. it was 7:40. this whole month is just one miserable day after another. i threw away all the holiday cards that weren' ( Read more... )

it seems that the babylost community just floods in november and december. everything is about how to survive the holidays, how to take care of yourself, how to remember your baby. and i've read everything that i've come across. but now . . . i'm done.
i realized the other day that christmas has just never been a big deal to me anyway. at least not ( Read more... )

i dreamed about jasmine. she was old and so very small. she was going through the stages of dying. i looked over at the couch where bill was hanging out with her, and i saw her back legs go weak. i panicked for a second, knowing that this was the beginning of the end for her. she went through many strange dream-like stages of death. internal organs ( Read more... )

no one warned me that grief can make you incredibly clumsy. i've been dropping things, spilling things, losing my balance . . . at least no bruises yet. but perhaps a sloppy joe wasn't the best choice for lunch.

i shouldn't be making this kind of playlist for you. with songs about ghosts and butterflies. songs with "goodbye" in the title. i should be singing zepplin's "all my love" to you instead of simply remembering you. "all of my love to you, child" is always sung as "oliver love to you, child" even though it doesn't make sense. you would grow up ( Read more... )

not the sweet smell of breastmilk coming through his pores ( Read more... )