Unnerving Melancholy
Title: Unnerving Melancholy
Author myungbaekisses
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Baekhyun x Chanyeol // Baekyeol
Warning: psychological & self-esteem problems
Disclaimer: angst-y much
Summary: Byun Baekhyun feels that he deserves to die for being so ugly. Inflicting pain on himself reminds himself
that he's still alive.
In his mind, he is already dead; a person immune to feelings and emotions; a hundred percent spirit.
The physical pain takes away the pain. Park Chanyeol wants him to stop and wants to be the one suffering.
Unnerving Melancholy
Byun Baekhyun stares blankly as someone approaches his view. He gazes at the male opposite him and realizes that his large orbs are filled with murkiness-no emotions or feelings are perceived but is pervaded with unnerving emptiness. His face scrounges at that stranger opposite him.
Is he even human? Baekhyun himself knows he’s being harsh on that male but it is part of human nature to judge others.
He’s so ugly-Baekhyun cringes at the creature in front of him without caring if his thought is mean. He is not an exception from the judgemental society. It’s okay because his thoughts are not portrayed verbally. The male is a disgrace to the human population-one thing or two about him irk Baekhyun very much but he just couldn’t put his finger to it.
Firstly, he observes the stranger's face-he has a common face with no distinct features and has perky ears like Mickey Mouse. Simply, a face Baekhyun would like to offer a punch to. Something gives him a hunch that he wouldn’t be able to withstand the male much longer-maybe he would just hit him for no reason.
His eyes then scroll down to the petite body. The male’s collarbones are jutting out, seeking for unwanted attention. Intrigued, Baekhyun has this urge to touch and feel them... His arms are flabby and Baekhyun wishes to pinch the irritating fats away. Out of the blue, the boy proceeds to lift up the hem of the thin piece of cloth hovering over his tiny body-there is no trance of hard rock abs, just a hint of belly fat; a belly that is considered not presentable in Baekhyun’s books.
Ugly inside and out; the urge in Baekhyun grows hungrier and he clenches his fist tight to refrain from pounding on the male. There is no beauty whatsoever-only revulsion and hideousness.
“Go away, oh my god.”
He speaks but receives no response from the latter. He reaches out for him but it is impossible to reach the stranger, he only manages to grasp air.
With his eyes wandering up and down, he cringes at the latter's elfin height. How depressing is that-a height of merely 173cm, how fucking short for a male.
Dwarf, shortie, pathetic.
He curses at the stranger, mocking him and yearns to make him feel utterly useless. There is a great desire in Baekhyun to push the stranger down the cliff and just... die and disappear from the world because Baekhyun has grown resentment for him already. He doesn’t even know why.
Some things just do not have reasons.
He stops for a moment; his train of thought gets interrupted and his jaw drops slightly agape; his heart skips a beat and he feels dizzy from his uncanny thoughts because he realizes something demoralizing and finds his heart shattering in between the blink of his eyes.
He blinks them again, this time with hot prickly tears forming-he doesn’t want to fathom what he has just seen: reality.
The stranger in the mirror is actually Byun Baekhyun.
Himself.
There is a tugging at his chest, an uncomfortable gut feeling swims in the pit of his stomach and shivers are shot down his spine. His feet stand rooted to the ground and his whole body paralyses in horror; his mind has been blown away or should he say, he has been mind-fucked so severely that he's pondering his mentality.
He curses loudly-fouls and vulgarities flies out of his mouth without his control, something Chanyeol would definitely disapprove. He throws a fit, grabs inanimate objects and hurls the innocents all around his room. There’s a blood-curling bawls of disenchantment and anguish let out by just himself. A large tantrum thrown by a petite boy.
He doesn’t know how to drive the discomfort realization away because simply, he couldn’t.
He takes large angry strides to the mirror and pushes it down with all his might and witnesses the fucker disperse into tiny little shattered pieces. It falls with a heavy impact; the ear piercing crash symbolizes the breaking of reality as the mirror comes into contact with the hard marble floor. He stands there; simply glaring the mess he has made with erratic breaths and clenched fists.
He could say that he hates the mirror and finally, his arch energy has been forfeited because Baekhyun has destroyed it once and for all. This, his lips manages to play a smile out of triumph. He lets out a slight chuckle scornfully.
But also causes Chanyeol to barge into the room, looking as worried as ever
“What happ-”
hanyeol pauses out of consternation and tries to comprehend what the fuck has been going on in this enclosed area. He feels that the four walls are cutting of his oxygen supply because he sees Baekhyun snicker at the mess he himself had created
The disarray screams help!
Baekhyun is so different-with dishevelled hair, loud breaths and that cute face Baekhyun has when he’s fuming. Then, Chanyeol’s eyes stop wandering around and they gawk at the broken glasses. He diverts his attention back to the culprit and his comprehension ceases to exist. With eyebrows knit together, he shoots a questioning look towards the latter.
“I-” Baekhyun begins but hesitates a while later after his first word because he couldn’t find a reason or an excuse as to why he had crashed the place in the first place. He grasps that Chanyeol doesn't have to know because his head is beginning to spin due to an annoying voice ingrained in his mind.
It's better for Chanyeol not to know, Byun Baekhyun. The voice in his mind whispers eerily and Baekhyun feels threatened for a moment so he forces out a meek smile to Chanyeol.
“I just hate mirrors,” Baekhyun’s voice falters but it is the truth. He fucking hates mirrors.
Baekhyun stumbles onto the ground helplessly and Chanyeol reaches forward, just in time to catch his distracted boyfriend. He scoops the tiny boy into his extended arms and embraces him close to his chest. Baekhyun inhales Chanyeol's trademark scent-the smell of vanilla. His worries vanish into thin air due to the presence of his love one because as long as Chanyeol's with him, he knows he's going to be all right; safe and sound.
“Don't get hurt, okay?” Chanyeol mutters tenderly and a pang of guilt assassinates Baekhyun because of the genuine concern and love that are evident in Chanyeol's voice
However, his lips curve into a sardonic smile because his true intention is to indeed, hurt himself. But he decides to put the plans he has accumulated on hold because he doesn't want to upset Chanyeol.
After that incident, all mirrors in the house have to taken down because whenever Baekhyun encounters one, he would scream hysterically and throw a fit.
That’s because Byun Baekhyun is afraid of his own reflection.
☠ ☠ ☠
Baekhyun doesn’t feel that he belongs here with the fucked up people and the fucked up judgemental society albeit being part of it. If he could re-choose the creation of earthlings, he would just select himself and Chanyeol and they would live happily ever after in their own dimension.
It has been so long since Baekhyun has stepped into the outside world. He doesn’t want to anyways-people out there don’t welcome him either. They have always alienated him from their activities and Baekhyun always feels unwanted. Thus, he chooses to stay at home with Chanyeol. There is no possibility of feeling unwanted and unloved being with Park Chanyeol.
The outside world has people who are so breathtaking beautiful-skinny, long and thin legs, beautiful hair and sharp features. And what does Baekhyun have compared to them?
Nothing.
“The creatures outside are scary, Chanyeol. I don’t want to go out,” Baekhyun tells his boyfriend with teary eyes when Chanyeol suggests on going out for a date. “They don’t accept me.”
“You need not care about them,” Chanyeol comforts him with a persuasive tone but Baekhyun wouldn’t budge. He has totally transformed into a hermit crab. It has been 2 years since Baekhyun had last stepped out of the apartment.
“As long as I’m with you, I don’t need anything.”
All Baekhyun needs is love, care and Park Chanyeol. Nothing else would matter to him.
☠ ☠ ☠
Staring blankly with a mind far away from home, a patch of red is being drawn. Baekhyun smiles at the redness gushing out from the thin line on his fragile wrist. Numbness takes over his body from the pill he had drugged himself with. He feels alive-the pain reminds him that he’s actually still alive; is still a human being; a hundred percent human being.
He doesn’t like those facts. In his mind, he is already dead; a person immune to feelings and emotions; a hundred percent spirit.
The physical pain takes away the pain he feels mentally and psychologically. He feels passion, alive and thrill.
He breathes but he doesn’t live.
A faint chuckle escapes from his mouth and he continues with his deadly actions. This time, allowing the penknife to slide over his skin longer in terms of seconds and length. The pain is lovely-it scratches the deplorable anguish in him, reminding him that happiness is not what he deserves.
Amazement sparks up in his eyes as he observes the red liquid drip onto his jeans and then onto the wooden floor. He doesn't bother to clean the floor up and lets it be because he feels that he's doing the floor good by decorating the mundane brownness with his fresh red blood.
He paints with his blood with hopes of colouring the white canvas with just the colour red. This is abstract art-bloody art.
As for his wrists, he brings his hand high and licks the blood, tasting the iron in his carven but cringes and swallows them down forcibly as though his blood corresponds as plain water; something to quench his dying thirst with.
His dying thirst is to be beautiful and perfect and he clearly knows he’s the fucking opposite of those godly qualities. He’s fucking ugly and disgusting-he finds no comfort in this modern society where everyone appears to be oh so deadly gorgeous and there’s him, an outcast. There’s why he hides from society. No one cares about him… well except for Chanyeol.
Chanyeol is so beautiful and ethereal. Baekhyun doesn’t even know what Chanyeol sees in him because he himself couldn’t see anything good.
Silent tears find their way to Baekhyun’s eyes and he sobs softly. Not because of the stinging pain-he never once cried for that-but at the fact that he’s so ugly. Chanyeol is so perfect to him and Baekhyun feels that he doesn’t even deserve the wonderful Chanyeol. Heck, he feels that he should be left alone in a corner to die slowly. That’s just because he despises himself so much that he feels that he’s not worthy of anything in this world.
“Hey Baek-” Chanyeol halts at the door with a tray of delicious pastries and stares at the red fluid dripping from Baekhyun’s wrist. He clasps his face with his hand, unable to decipher the bloody sight. He wants to cry because he knows there’s something bothering his boyfriend, yet he couldn’t do shit about it. He wants to cry because Baekhyun is hurting himself and in a way, also hurting himself. He wants to cry because he wants Baekhyun to cease to inflict on himself because he doesn’t fathom how beautiful he is. He wants to cry because he wants to be in Baekhyun’s place.
He wants to cry because he wants to take away the pain but how?
“Why?” Chanyeol croaks out and blinks the hot prickly tears away. Shifting towards Baekhyun after placing the tray on the table, he grabs a box of tissue and offers to clean the blood.
“Because I’m ugly and I don’t des-”
Chanyeol cuts him off by pressing his lips on his and Baekhyun shuts up completely, with his pessimistic thoughts all down the drain.
“You don’t know how lovely you are-I love you, you know that, right?”
A smile plays on Baekhyun’s lips and he stays silent because he’s happy. Whenever he speaks, only negative words come out from his mouth so he’d rather stay quiet as to not ruin the moment. His happiness is not to be measured.
“I really love you. Please stop doing this to yourself.”
Chanyeol continues to clean, oblivious to Baekhyun’s silent sobs.
The more Chanyeol loves and cares for him, the more Baekhyun feels that he should die because he doesn’t deserve such a beautiful and perfect human like Park Chanyeol. Baekhyun is just a waste of time and concern, Chanyeol shouldn’t be stuck with such an atrocious person-no-thing.
“Please stop… Look at you, you’re so skinny. Please eat more. I love you so much…” Baekhyun nods blankly and Chanyeol’s caring words fall on deaf ears.
I’m fucking fat. A voice repeats in Baekhyun’s head and even he thinks so too.
To Park Chanyeol, Byun Baekhyun is so beautifully beyond perfection and he only feels complete with the latter. He couldn’t express how much he loves him but he knows that his world revolves only around the perfect boy - Byun Baekhyun.
☠ ☠ ☠
Baekhyun eats food for the sake of eating and making the insatiable Chanyeol happy.
He eats but he doesn’t taste.
Everything tastes bland to him, even his all time favourite tuna melt sandwich isn’t an exception. Everything has no flavour in it because life to him is that dull.
Sometimes, Chanyeol has to force the food down Baekhyun’s throat and his heart gnaws in misery to see his boyfriend so fragile and vulnerable. He doesn’t know what to do but he obviously understands that Baekhyun needs help as soon as possible. He doesn’t know who to approach so the only aid Chanyeol could think of and reproduce is him himself so he stays by Baekhyun’s side 24/7. This is also to ensure that Baekhyun doesn’t do anything foolish.
“I can’t eat this,” Baekhyun pushes the plate away from him and sighs which causes a frown from the chef. “Why? Does it taste that bad?”
Baekhyun lets out a soft chuckle and Chanyeol laughs too, the gloomy atmosphere less tensed. Baekhyun doesn’t let his boyfriend know that he has no appetite and he couldn’t afford to eat it because he is fucking fat.
“I’m not going to let you suffer from anorexia under my care. You are going to eat,” an angry frown creases on Chanyeol’s forehead though he’s not really angry at Baekhyun. He acts like that to trigger Baekhyun to swallow down the damn food because he needs to eat to at least survive.
“Fine,” Baekhyun mutters softly and there is guilt evident in his voice and Chanyeol tries hard to refrain from cracking into a satisfied beam. He worries for Baekhyun every single second of his life and he couldn’t put his guard down.
However, when Chanyeol is busily washing the dishes, Baekhyun positions himself squatting in front of the toilet seat. He sticks a finger into his mouth, forcing his body to vomit everything out. The vomit rushes out from his intestines and from his throat, the taste of acidic sourness that he had grown accustomed to like.
He likes the taste of sourness and soreness, he likes pain; he likes fiasco; he likes being hurt; he likes being in pain; they help him wither slowly so he could die sooner.
Chanyeol bangs on the toilet door hysterically. Frustration is all over him as he attempts on assassinating the damn wooden door. Baekhyun cries because he feels he should suffer more because he’s hurting Chanyeol too.
“Baek, open the door please!” The anxiety in Chanyeol’s voice makes Baekhyun smile for awhile but a frown replaces it almost immediately when he realizes that he’s killing Chanyeol internally.
But he couldn’t stop.
He suffers from many things-depression, low self-esteem, anorexia and bulimia and he practices self-harm and he kills his boyfriend internally for all his sins. Baekhyun feels that he should just disappear from this pressurising world.
To Baekhyun, he feels that he deserves to die for being so ugly. He feels a monster demeanour inside of him and he comprehends he is one horrible monster that needs to be shot in the brain. He is ugly, fat, short and worthless.
He needs to die.
☠ ☠ ☠
Lying on the bed, Chanyeol listens to Baekhyun’s erratic breathing. He breathes in and out in solitude that Chanyeol finally feels that Baekhyun is safe and free of the unnecessary worries. Chanyeol has to admit that he stays up late to admire Baekhyun-the latter is actually the most beautiful boy Chanyeol has ever laid eyes on. If he could, he would watch Baekhyun forever like his favourite movie. Thus, he couldn’t comprehend why Baekhyun’s self esteem has plunged so drastically because Baekhyun used to be such a happy boy.
Their bodies are tangled together-Chanyeol’s long legs over Baekhyun’s and the petite curled up into a cocoon beside him. Chanyeol admires Baekhyun’s peaceful sleeping face. His eyelashes are long of a lady’s. His lips are too pretty and Chanyeol wishes he could taste them forever. He wonders how Baekhyun could neglect such beautiful face features that he possesses.
To Chanyeol, Baekhyun is beyond description-he is a beauty in his own ways but unfortunately, he doesn’t realize it.
“You have no idea how happy I can get just by listening to your breathing,” their fingers interlace with each other and Chanyeol knows that their fingers are meant to fit-they are sculpted to be fitted so perfectly. Surrounding his large arms around the petite boy, Chanyeol places a gentle kiss on Baekhyun’s forehead and whispers, “Good night, sweet dreams.”
Chanyeol really wishes that Baekhyun would have one.
However, Chanyeol doesn’t know that Baekhyun sneaks out of bed during the wee hours of the night almost every day to cry in the bathroom. Thankfully for him, Chanyeol is a heavy sleeper so he has never gotten caught before. He cries the suffocating torment out. Chanyeol is too good for him. Baekhyun wishes that he could just die at that moment.
☠ ☠ ☠
Baekhyun sleeps quietly and Chanyeol watches with a grin on his face. He looks eased, free from his insecurities and worries. He is beautiful-in every way a human being could even be. He is love-Chanyeol loves him with all his heart and Baekhyun is just that precious to him.
Reaching out a hand to the sleeping boy, the air gets colder but suffocating each second; the ticking of the clock ceases; the precious solitude remains unchanged. Chanyeol holds his breath and his heart beats fasten because he knows something is off. He closes his eyes, blinking the hot prickly tears away and listens to the world. Why are there tears?
The silence is melancholic.
The silence is invisible.
The silence is loud.
The silence permeates through the two like a noxious gas.
hanyeol glances at Baekhyun and calls for him softly with his voice faltering with fear. “Baekhyun,” his voice cracks suddenly, tears trickle down from his eyes and he tastes the saltiness of them. The chilly air slides its arms around his anxious body and as he inhales to calm himself.
He prays that everything is alright.
“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol’s fingers linger on Baekhyun’s icy skin and urges the latter to please wake up from his deep slumber. But there is no response from Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s hearts sinks with deep fear.
“No!” he assures himself and wails hysterically, wanting Baekhyun to be conscious.
“Baekhyun!” He looks at his boyfriend, paralyzed with sheer panic. Peace, ease and free-Baekhyun’s face whispers of those and gets Chanyeol screaming, contrast to his everyday happy virus image. Baekhyun stays immobile, his expression doesn’t waver-he doesn’t burst into laughter for faking-and he just remains there asleep…
Chanyeol doesn’t register everything-he couldn’t, he was doing the impossible. Baekhyun isn’t… He is just sleeping soundly, probably from the fatigue. That’s right, Chanyeol ensures himself and pats Baekhyun’s head, ruffling it in the process and leaves the room quietly, not wishing to disturb his boyfriend’s solitude.
❋❋❋
It has been a few hours since Chanyeol had left the room, allowing Baekhyun to embrace the solitude. He has been quiet on the bed-too quiet. Usually, there’s soft music playing or shuffling of movements. But today, Baekhyun’s too quiet with whatever he’s doing.
With breakfast, he runs to Baekhyun’s room, eager to see him wake up in the cutest way ever. Upon easing the door open, Chanyeol comes to an immediate halt. The pregnant silence grabs his heart and holds his breaths. Baekhyun isn’t sleeping nor listening to music. He isn’t yawning or getting ready for the day. He’s hanging here-completely still, now just like Chanyeol.
At that very moment, Chanyeol’s whole world shatters and comes crashing into broken fragments. Everything he has ever know, seen, lived with, admired, adored, loved, is simply hanging there by a thin red thread. At that very moment, he wishes to exchange places with Baekhyun.
Baekhyun’s eyes are wide open-void and unnerving. He just stares blankly at Chanyeol with an expressionless face. There are no tears, no laughs, no whispers and no words. Just a lone lifeless soul.
Does Baekhyun actually think that Chanyeol would be happy? Obviously, Baekhyun hasn’t thought about Chanyeol’s feelings. No, Chanyeol would not say “Finally, he’s gone.” No, he would never say, “I’m glad he did it.” No, and he would not say, “I never loved him anyway. He’s so annoying. Good that he’s gone forever.”
No.
Chanyeol would die.
His heart would break into pieces-he would hurt more than Baekhyun could ever be. He would cry, scream, and die. He would just believe that it is a nightmare and when he wakes up the next morning, Baekhyun would be back, sleeping beside him.
Except, he wouldn’t feel like that for a few seconds, or a few days, or weeks, or months. But forever, until the day he dies.
Death? Did death after all make Baekhyun feel beautiful and loved?
And happy?
This time, Chanyeol takes Baekhyun’s razor and thinks of himself as a plain canvas. He watches the blade slide across his wrist in amazement and cringes at the metallic liquid as it rushes through. He doesn’t feel any pain-none of the pain could be up to par to the pain he feels in his heart. He feels the numbness as the hurt courses through his veins.
That moment when Baekhyun ended his life, Chanyeol’s life ended as well.
The voices in his head keep saying cut cut cut cut cut. Did Baekhyun go through this too? Were there voices of fiends repeated in his mind?
Chanyeol finally realizes and comprehends the pain, the agony and the wonder of death that Baekhyun thinks of every single day. But why? Why… just why does he have to leave? Chanyeol remembers Baekhyun’s cuts, his burns and the bruises he inflicted on himself. Each one of them is a battle with himself-a battle that he lost without bothering to retaliate.
A smile creeps to his face, knowing that he would soon join Baekhyun in a beautiful place. Another escapade-just the two of their existence, happily ever after.
He slips under the covers gingerly and watches Baekhyun hang there in mid-air. The white quilt turns into red slowly but Chanyeol ignores it. Slowly, his eyes start to close and the image of Baekhyun hanging there dead fades bit by bit. Instead, he feels Baekhyun’s presence beside him.
The first moment is utter darkness. Is he dead yet? The absence shuts him up. Baekhyun appears beside him and lies his head on his chest with a blinding smile and it sends Chanyeol wondering how long has he last seen that beautiful smile.
“We’re both dead,” Chanyeol realizes and says out loud.
“Death is beautiful.”
\>
Author myungbaekisses
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Baekhyun x Chanyeol // Baekyeol
Warning: psychological & self-esteem problems
Disclaimer: angst-y much
Summary: Byun Baekhyun feels that he deserves to die for being so ugly. Inflicting pain on himself reminds himself
that he's still alive.
In his mind, he is already dead; a person immune to feelings and emotions; a hundred percent spirit.
The physical pain takes away the pain. Park Chanyeol wants him to stop and wants to be the one suffering.
Unnerving Melancholy
Byun Baekhyun stares blankly as someone approaches his view. He gazes at the male opposite him and realizes that his large orbs are filled with murkiness-no emotions or feelings are perceived but is pervaded with unnerving emptiness. His face scrounges at that stranger opposite him.
Is he even human? Baekhyun himself knows he’s being harsh on that male but it is part of human nature to judge others.
He’s so ugly-Baekhyun cringes at the creature in front of him without caring if his thought is mean. He is not an exception from the judgemental society. It’s okay because his thoughts are not portrayed verbally. The male is a disgrace to the human population-one thing or two about him irk Baekhyun very much but he just couldn’t put his finger to it.
Firstly, he observes the stranger's face-he has a common face with no distinct features and has perky ears like Mickey Mouse. Simply, a face Baekhyun would like to offer a punch to. Something gives him a hunch that he wouldn’t be able to withstand the male much longer-maybe he would just hit him for no reason.
His eyes then scroll down to the petite body. The male’s collarbones are jutting out, seeking for unwanted attention. Intrigued, Baekhyun has this urge to touch and feel them... His arms are flabby and Baekhyun wishes to pinch the irritating fats away. Out of the blue, the boy proceeds to lift up the hem of the thin piece of cloth hovering over his tiny body-there is no trance of hard rock abs, just a hint of belly fat; a belly that is considered not presentable in Baekhyun’s books.
Ugly inside and out; the urge in Baekhyun grows hungrier and he clenches his fist tight to refrain from pounding on the male. There is no beauty whatsoever-only revulsion and hideousness.
“Go away, oh my god.”
He speaks but receives no response from the latter. He reaches out for him but it is impossible to reach the stranger, he only manages to grasp air.
With his eyes wandering up and down, he cringes at the latter's elfin height. How depressing is that-a height of merely 173cm, how fucking short for a male.
Dwarf, shortie, pathetic.
He curses at the stranger, mocking him and yearns to make him feel utterly useless. There is a great desire in Baekhyun to push the stranger down the cliff and just... die and disappear from the world because Baekhyun has grown resentment for him already. He doesn’t even know why.
Some things just do not have reasons.
He stops for a moment; his train of thought gets interrupted and his jaw drops slightly agape; his heart skips a beat and he feels dizzy from his uncanny thoughts because he realizes something demoralizing and finds his heart shattering in between the blink of his eyes.
He blinks them again, this time with hot prickly tears forming-he doesn’t want to fathom what he has just seen: reality.
The stranger in the mirror is actually Byun Baekhyun.
Himself.
There is a tugging at his chest, an uncomfortable gut feeling swims in the pit of his stomach and shivers are shot down his spine. His feet stand rooted to the ground and his whole body paralyses in horror; his mind has been blown away or should he say, he has been mind-fucked so severely that he's pondering his mentality.
He curses loudly-fouls and vulgarities flies out of his mouth without his control, something Chanyeol would definitely disapprove. He throws a fit, grabs inanimate objects and hurls the innocents all around his room. There’s a blood-curling bawls of disenchantment and anguish let out by just himself. A large tantrum thrown by a petite boy.
He doesn’t know how to drive the discomfort realization away because simply, he couldn’t.
He takes large angry strides to the mirror and pushes it down with all his might and witnesses the fucker disperse into tiny little shattered pieces. It falls with a heavy impact; the ear piercing crash symbolizes the breaking of reality as the mirror comes into contact with the hard marble floor. He stands there; simply glaring the mess he has made with erratic breaths and clenched fists.
He could say that he hates the mirror and finally, his arch energy has been forfeited because Baekhyun has destroyed it once and for all. This, his lips manages to play a smile out of triumph. He lets out a slight chuckle scornfully.
But also causes Chanyeol to barge into the room, looking as worried as ever
“What happ-”
hanyeol pauses out of consternation and tries to comprehend what the fuck has been going on in this enclosed area. He feels that the four walls are cutting of his oxygen supply because he sees Baekhyun snicker at the mess he himself had created
The disarray screams help!
Baekhyun is so different-with dishevelled hair, loud breaths and that cute face Baekhyun has when he’s fuming. Then, Chanyeol’s eyes stop wandering around and they gawk at the broken glasses. He diverts his attention back to the culprit and his comprehension ceases to exist. With eyebrows knit together, he shoots a questioning look towards the latter.
“I-” Baekhyun begins but hesitates a while later after his first word because he couldn’t find a reason or an excuse as to why he had crashed the place in the first place. He grasps that Chanyeol doesn't have to know because his head is beginning to spin due to an annoying voice ingrained in his mind.
It's better for Chanyeol not to know, Byun Baekhyun. The voice in his mind whispers eerily and Baekhyun feels threatened for a moment so he forces out a meek smile to Chanyeol.
“I just hate mirrors,” Baekhyun’s voice falters but it is the truth. He fucking hates mirrors.
Baekhyun stumbles onto the ground helplessly and Chanyeol reaches forward, just in time to catch his distracted boyfriend. He scoops the tiny boy into his extended arms and embraces him close to his chest. Baekhyun inhales Chanyeol's trademark scent-the smell of vanilla. His worries vanish into thin air due to the presence of his love one because as long as Chanyeol's with him, he knows he's going to be all right; safe and sound.
“Don't get hurt, okay?” Chanyeol mutters tenderly and a pang of guilt assassinates Baekhyun because of the genuine concern and love that are evident in Chanyeol's voice
However, his lips curve into a sardonic smile because his true intention is to indeed, hurt himself. But he decides to put the plans he has accumulated on hold because he doesn't want to upset Chanyeol.
After that incident, all mirrors in the house have to taken down because whenever Baekhyun encounters one, he would scream hysterically and throw a fit.
That’s because Byun Baekhyun is afraid of his own reflection.
☠ ☠ ☠
Baekhyun doesn’t feel that he belongs here with the fucked up people and the fucked up judgemental society albeit being part of it. If he could re-choose the creation of earthlings, he would just select himself and Chanyeol and they would live happily ever after in their own dimension.
It has been so long since Baekhyun has stepped into the outside world. He doesn’t want to anyways-people out there don’t welcome him either. They have always alienated him from their activities and Baekhyun always feels unwanted. Thus, he chooses to stay at home with Chanyeol. There is no possibility of feeling unwanted and unloved being with Park Chanyeol.
The outside world has people who are so breathtaking beautiful-skinny, long and thin legs, beautiful hair and sharp features. And what does Baekhyun have compared to them?
Nothing.
“The creatures outside are scary, Chanyeol. I don’t want to go out,” Baekhyun tells his boyfriend with teary eyes when Chanyeol suggests on going out for a date. “They don’t accept me.”
“You need not care about them,” Chanyeol comforts him with a persuasive tone but Baekhyun wouldn’t budge. He has totally transformed into a hermit crab. It has been 2 years since Baekhyun had last stepped out of the apartment.
“As long as I’m with you, I don’t need anything.”
All Baekhyun needs is love, care and Park Chanyeol. Nothing else would matter to him.
☠ ☠ ☠
Staring blankly with a mind far away from home, a patch of red is being drawn. Baekhyun smiles at the redness gushing out from the thin line on his fragile wrist. Numbness takes over his body from the pill he had drugged himself with. He feels alive-the pain reminds him that he’s actually still alive; is still a human being; a hundred percent human being.
He doesn’t like those facts. In his mind, he is already dead; a person immune to feelings and emotions; a hundred percent spirit.
The physical pain takes away the pain he feels mentally and psychologically. He feels passion, alive and thrill.
He breathes but he doesn’t live.
A faint chuckle escapes from his mouth and he continues with his deadly actions. This time, allowing the penknife to slide over his skin longer in terms of seconds and length. The pain is lovely-it scratches the deplorable anguish in him, reminding him that happiness is not what he deserves.
Amazement sparks up in his eyes as he observes the red liquid drip onto his jeans and then onto the wooden floor. He doesn't bother to clean the floor up and lets it be because he feels that he's doing the floor good by decorating the mundane brownness with his fresh red blood.
He paints with his blood with hopes of colouring the white canvas with just the colour red. This is abstract art-bloody art.
As for his wrists, he brings his hand high and licks the blood, tasting the iron in his carven but cringes and swallows them down forcibly as though his blood corresponds as plain water; something to quench his dying thirst with.
His dying thirst is to be beautiful and perfect and he clearly knows he’s the fucking opposite of those godly qualities. He’s fucking ugly and disgusting-he finds no comfort in this modern society where everyone appears to be oh so deadly gorgeous and there’s him, an outcast. There’s why he hides from society. No one cares about him… well except for Chanyeol.
Chanyeol is so beautiful and ethereal. Baekhyun doesn’t even know what Chanyeol sees in him because he himself couldn’t see anything good.
Silent tears find their way to Baekhyun’s eyes and he sobs softly. Not because of the stinging pain-he never once cried for that-but at the fact that he’s so ugly. Chanyeol is so perfect to him and Baekhyun feels that he doesn’t even deserve the wonderful Chanyeol. Heck, he feels that he should be left alone in a corner to die slowly. That’s just because he despises himself so much that he feels that he’s not worthy of anything in this world.
“Hey Baek-” Chanyeol halts at the door with a tray of delicious pastries and stares at the red fluid dripping from Baekhyun’s wrist. He clasps his face with his hand, unable to decipher the bloody sight. He wants to cry because he knows there’s something bothering his boyfriend, yet he couldn’t do shit about it. He wants to cry because Baekhyun is hurting himself and in a way, also hurting himself. He wants to cry because he wants Baekhyun to cease to inflict on himself because he doesn’t fathom how beautiful he is. He wants to cry because he wants to be in Baekhyun’s place.
He wants to cry because he wants to take away the pain but how?
“Why?” Chanyeol croaks out and blinks the hot prickly tears away. Shifting towards Baekhyun after placing the tray on the table, he grabs a box of tissue and offers to clean the blood.
“Because I’m ugly and I don’t des-”
Chanyeol cuts him off by pressing his lips on his and Baekhyun shuts up completely, with his pessimistic thoughts all down the drain.
“You don’t know how lovely you are-I love you, you know that, right?”
A smile plays on Baekhyun’s lips and he stays silent because he’s happy. Whenever he speaks, only negative words come out from his mouth so he’d rather stay quiet as to not ruin the moment. His happiness is not to be measured.
“I really love you. Please stop doing this to yourself.”
Chanyeol continues to clean, oblivious to Baekhyun’s silent sobs.
The more Chanyeol loves and cares for him, the more Baekhyun feels that he should die because he doesn’t deserve such a beautiful and perfect human like Park Chanyeol. Baekhyun is just a waste of time and concern, Chanyeol shouldn’t be stuck with such an atrocious person-no-thing.
“Please stop… Look at you, you’re so skinny. Please eat more. I love you so much…” Baekhyun nods blankly and Chanyeol’s caring words fall on deaf ears.
I’m fucking fat. A voice repeats in Baekhyun’s head and even he thinks so too.
To Park Chanyeol, Byun Baekhyun is so beautifully beyond perfection and he only feels complete with the latter. He couldn’t express how much he loves him but he knows that his world revolves only around the perfect boy - Byun Baekhyun.
☠ ☠ ☠
Baekhyun eats food for the sake of eating and making the insatiable Chanyeol happy.
He eats but he doesn’t taste.
Everything tastes bland to him, even his all time favourite tuna melt sandwich isn’t an exception. Everything has no flavour in it because life to him is that dull.
Sometimes, Chanyeol has to force the food down Baekhyun’s throat and his heart gnaws in misery to see his boyfriend so fragile and vulnerable. He doesn’t know what to do but he obviously understands that Baekhyun needs help as soon as possible. He doesn’t know who to approach so the only aid Chanyeol could think of and reproduce is him himself so he stays by Baekhyun’s side 24/7. This is also to ensure that Baekhyun doesn’t do anything foolish.
“I can’t eat this,” Baekhyun pushes the plate away from him and sighs which causes a frown from the chef. “Why? Does it taste that bad?”
Baekhyun lets out a soft chuckle and Chanyeol laughs too, the gloomy atmosphere less tensed. Baekhyun doesn’t let his boyfriend know that he has no appetite and he couldn’t afford to eat it because he is fucking fat.
“I’m not going to let you suffer from anorexia under my care. You are going to eat,” an angry frown creases on Chanyeol’s forehead though he’s not really angry at Baekhyun. He acts like that to trigger Baekhyun to swallow down the damn food because he needs to eat to at least survive.
“Fine,” Baekhyun mutters softly and there is guilt evident in his voice and Chanyeol tries hard to refrain from cracking into a satisfied beam. He worries for Baekhyun every single second of his life and he couldn’t put his guard down.
However, when Chanyeol is busily washing the dishes, Baekhyun positions himself squatting in front of the toilet seat. He sticks a finger into his mouth, forcing his body to vomit everything out. The vomit rushes out from his intestines and from his throat, the taste of acidic sourness that he had grown accustomed to like.
He likes the taste of sourness and soreness, he likes pain; he likes fiasco; he likes being hurt; he likes being in pain; they help him wither slowly so he could die sooner.
Chanyeol bangs on the toilet door hysterically. Frustration is all over him as he attempts on assassinating the damn wooden door. Baekhyun cries because he feels he should suffer more because he’s hurting Chanyeol too.
“Baek, open the door please!” The anxiety in Chanyeol’s voice makes Baekhyun smile for awhile but a frown replaces it almost immediately when he realizes that he’s killing Chanyeol internally.
But he couldn’t stop.
He suffers from many things-depression, low self-esteem, anorexia and bulimia and he practices self-harm and he kills his boyfriend internally for all his sins. Baekhyun feels that he should just disappear from this pressurising world.
To Baekhyun, he feels that he deserves to die for being so ugly. He feels a monster demeanour inside of him and he comprehends he is one horrible monster that needs to be shot in the brain. He is ugly, fat, short and worthless.
He needs to die.
☠ ☠ ☠
Lying on the bed, Chanyeol listens to Baekhyun’s erratic breathing. He breathes in and out in solitude that Chanyeol finally feels that Baekhyun is safe and free of the unnecessary worries. Chanyeol has to admit that he stays up late to admire Baekhyun-the latter is actually the most beautiful boy Chanyeol has ever laid eyes on. If he could, he would watch Baekhyun forever like his favourite movie. Thus, he couldn’t comprehend why Baekhyun’s self esteem has plunged so drastically because Baekhyun used to be such a happy boy.
Their bodies are tangled together-Chanyeol’s long legs over Baekhyun’s and the petite curled up into a cocoon beside him. Chanyeol admires Baekhyun’s peaceful sleeping face. His eyelashes are long of a lady’s. His lips are too pretty and Chanyeol wishes he could taste them forever. He wonders how Baekhyun could neglect such beautiful face features that he possesses.
To Chanyeol, Baekhyun is beyond description-he is a beauty in his own ways but unfortunately, he doesn’t realize it.
“You have no idea how happy I can get just by listening to your breathing,” their fingers interlace with each other and Chanyeol knows that their fingers are meant to fit-they are sculpted to be fitted so perfectly. Surrounding his large arms around the petite boy, Chanyeol places a gentle kiss on Baekhyun’s forehead and whispers, “Good night, sweet dreams.”
Chanyeol really wishes that Baekhyun would have one.
However, Chanyeol doesn’t know that Baekhyun sneaks out of bed during the wee hours of the night almost every day to cry in the bathroom. Thankfully for him, Chanyeol is a heavy sleeper so he has never gotten caught before. He cries the suffocating torment out. Chanyeol is too good for him. Baekhyun wishes that he could just die at that moment.
☠ ☠ ☠
Baekhyun sleeps quietly and Chanyeol watches with a grin on his face. He looks eased, free from his insecurities and worries. He is beautiful-in every way a human being could even be. He is love-Chanyeol loves him with all his heart and Baekhyun is just that precious to him.
Reaching out a hand to the sleeping boy, the air gets colder but suffocating each second; the ticking of the clock ceases; the precious solitude remains unchanged. Chanyeol holds his breath and his heart beats fasten because he knows something is off. He closes his eyes, blinking the hot prickly tears away and listens to the world. Why are there tears?
The silence is melancholic.
The silence is invisible.
The silence is loud.
The silence permeates through the two like a noxious gas.
hanyeol glances at Baekhyun and calls for him softly with his voice faltering with fear. “Baekhyun,” his voice cracks suddenly, tears trickle down from his eyes and he tastes the saltiness of them. The chilly air slides its arms around his anxious body and as he inhales to calm himself.
He prays that everything is alright.
“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol’s fingers linger on Baekhyun’s icy skin and urges the latter to please wake up from his deep slumber. But there is no response from Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s hearts sinks with deep fear.
“No!” he assures himself and wails hysterically, wanting Baekhyun to be conscious.
“Baekhyun!” He looks at his boyfriend, paralyzed with sheer panic. Peace, ease and free-Baekhyun’s face whispers of those and gets Chanyeol screaming, contrast to his everyday happy virus image. Baekhyun stays immobile, his expression doesn’t waver-he doesn’t burst into laughter for faking-and he just remains there asleep…
Chanyeol doesn’t register everything-he couldn’t, he was doing the impossible. Baekhyun isn’t… He is just sleeping soundly, probably from the fatigue. That’s right, Chanyeol ensures himself and pats Baekhyun’s head, ruffling it in the process and leaves the room quietly, not wishing to disturb his boyfriend’s solitude.
❋❋❋
It has been a few hours since Chanyeol had left the room, allowing Baekhyun to embrace the solitude. He has been quiet on the bed-too quiet. Usually, there’s soft music playing or shuffling of movements. But today, Baekhyun’s too quiet with whatever he’s doing.
With breakfast, he runs to Baekhyun’s room, eager to see him wake up in the cutest way ever. Upon easing the door open, Chanyeol comes to an immediate halt. The pregnant silence grabs his heart and holds his breaths. Baekhyun isn’t sleeping nor listening to music. He isn’t yawning or getting ready for the day. He’s hanging here-completely still, now just like Chanyeol.
At that very moment, Chanyeol’s whole world shatters and comes crashing into broken fragments. Everything he has ever know, seen, lived with, admired, adored, loved, is simply hanging there by a thin red thread. At that very moment, he wishes to exchange places with Baekhyun.
Baekhyun’s eyes are wide open-void and unnerving. He just stares blankly at Chanyeol with an expressionless face. There are no tears, no laughs, no whispers and no words. Just a lone lifeless soul.
Does Baekhyun actually think that Chanyeol would be happy? Obviously, Baekhyun hasn’t thought about Chanyeol’s feelings. No, Chanyeol would not say “Finally, he’s gone.” No, he would never say, “I’m glad he did it.” No, and he would not say, “I never loved him anyway. He’s so annoying. Good that he’s gone forever.”
No.
Chanyeol would die.
His heart would break into pieces-he would hurt more than Baekhyun could ever be. He would cry, scream, and die. He would just believe that it is a nightmare and when he wakes up the next morning, Baekhyun would be back, sleeping beside him.
Except, he wouldn’t feel like that for a few seconds, or a few days, or weeks, or months. But forever, until the day he dies.
Death? Did death after all make Baekhyun feel beautiful and loved?
And happy?
This time, Chanyeol takes Baekhyun’s razor and thinks of himself as a plain canvas. He watches the blade slide across his wrist in amazement and cringes at the metallic liquid as it rushes through. He doesn’t feel any pain-none of the pain could be up to par to the pain he feels in his heart. He feels the numbness as the hurt courses through his veins.
That moment when Baekhyun ended his life, Chanyeol’s life ended as well.
The voices in his head keep saying cut cut cut cut cut. Did Baekhyun go through this too? Were there voices of fiends repeated in his mind?
Chanyeol finally realizes and comprehends the pain, the agony and the wonder of death that Baekhyun thinks of every single day. But why? Why… just why does he have to leave? Chanyeol remembers Baekhyun’s cuts, his burns and the bruises he inflicted on himself. Each one of them is a battle with himself-a battle that he lost without bothering to retaliate.
A smile creeps to his face, knowing that he would soon join Baekhyun in a beautiful place. Another escapade-just the two of their existence, happily ever after.
He slips under the covers gingerly and watches Baekhyun hang there in mid-air. The white quilt turns into red slowly but Chanyeol ignores it. Slowly, his eyes start to close and the image of Baekhyun hanging there dead fades bit by bit. Instead, he feels Baekhyun’s presence beside him.
The first moment is utter darkness. Is he dead yet? The absence shuts him up. Baekhyun appears beside him and lies his head on his chest with a blinding smile and it sends Chanyeol wondering how long has he last seen that beautiful smile.
“We’re both dead,” Chanyeol realizes and says out loud.
“Death is beautiful.”
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