Confused...
I'd like to start off with a fantastic day.
It really wasn't.
I know I shouldn't be writing this in my Livejournal, and I should just talk to people it concerns..
But..this is the only way I know how to vent to myself.
Read it or not, it's not that important.
Lately, I've been filled with a lot of confusion and regret..
But haven't voiced it.
I feel like the timing is off...way off...
And I'm feeling things I really shouldn't be feeling.
On the other hand, someone cares about me.
They love me with every beat of their heart...
And I can only give them half of that..
The truth...I gave my whole heart away a long time ago...and I've only ever gotten half of it back.
I can't expect someone to give 100% of I'm only capable of giving 50%, it isn't fair to him.
The confusion part sets in when I really think I had myself convinced.
And then when I look deep inside, I find that I've just been lieing to myself.
I know it's only because I don't like the neglect, or the hurt..and I'd rather just forget about it than acting face head on.
But, realistically I should have done that from the beginning.
I really don't know what I want to happen as of right now.
I'm scared, confused, hurt, lost..you name it.
And I really don't think I deserve to be.
Feruza was talking to me for most of the day.
Jay has been talking to me for most of the night.
Trying to help me figure things out.
Throwing questions at me that I really should know the answers to.
Some I do...but some I don't.
They both brought me to the realization Brian doesn't deserve this.
He doesn't deserve to be second best to anyone.
I'm tired of the comparison.
I think him and I have a different love, not stronger..not weaker, just different.
I know I want my ex in my life, it's as simple as that.
Whether he's there in intervals of weeks or months.
I need him there.
I can't just walk away from the only person who's actually cared about me, regardless of what I've done to them.
He may not be in love with me, but he does love me.
And I know if I needed him there, he'd be there in a split second.
I can't say the same for many other people.
Then again, maybe I'd be better off letting him leave my life.
He has a lot going on that he needs to deal with.
Maybe less of me would improve things?
.
And then Brian...
I know you would do anything for me just so I wouldn't have to deal with an ounce of sadness.
You want me to be happy, even if you don't make yourself happy.
That means the world to me..
But you need to make yourself happy, before you can concentrate on me.
What do you want?
If it's not me anymore, that's fine...I can live with myself knowing I'm not what makes you happy.
I know that we'd be good friends anyways, because that's the kind of amazing person you are.
If it is, I know eventually this could work out.
I'm just not sure if the timing is right.
It never will be right.
Advice anyone?
I could definately use it.
I'm heading to bed.
I've tried to get my mind of things all night.
I failed miserably.
Maybe if I go into a sleep deep enough, I'll forget about everything until tomorrow morning.
Goodnight.
"You were the chosen one!
It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them.
You were to bring balance to the force, not leave it in darkness! "
It really wasn't.
I know I shouldn't be writing this in my Livejournal, and I should just talk to people it concerns..
But..this is the only way I know how to vent to myself.
Read it or not, it's not that important.
Lately, I've been filled with a lot of confusion and regret..
But haven't voiced it.
I feel like the timing is off...way off...
And I'm feeling things I really shouldn't be feeling.
On the other hand, someone cares about me.
They love me with every beat of their heart...
And I can only give them half of that..
The truth...I gave my whole heart away a long time ago...and I've only ever gotten half of it back.
I can't expect someone to give 100% of I'm only capable of giving 50%, it isn't fair to him.
The confusion part sets in when I really think I had myself convinced.
And then when I look deep inside, I find that I've just been lieing to myself.
I know it's only because I don't like the neglect, or the hurt..and I'd rather just forget about it than acting face head on.
But, realistically I should have done that from the beginning.
I really don't know what I want to happen as of right now.
I'm scared, confused, hurt, lost..you name it.
And I really don't think I deserve to be.
Feruza was talking to me for most of the day.
Jay has been talking to me for most of the night.
Trying to help me figure things out.
Throwing questions at me that I really should know the answers to.
Some I do...but some I don't.
They both brought me to the realization Brian doesn't deserve this.
He doesn't deserve to be second best to anyone.
I'm tired of the comparison.
I think him and I have a different love, not stronger..not weaker, just different.
I know I want my ex in my life, it's as simple as that.
Whether he's there in intervals of weeks or months.
I need him there.
I can't just walk away from the only person who's actually cared about me, regardless of what I've done to them.
He may not be in love with me, but he does love me.
And I know if I needed him there, he'd be there in a split second.
I can't say the same for many other people.
Then again, maybe I'd be better off letting him leave my life.
He has a lot going on that he needs to deal with.
Maybe less of me would improve things?
.
And then Brian...
I know you would do anything for me just so I wouldn't have to deal with an ounce of sadness.
You want me to be happy, even if you don't make yourself happy.
That means the world to me..
But you need to make yourself happy, before you can concentrate on me.
What do you want?
If it's not me anymore, that's fine...I can live with myself knowing I'm not what makes you happy.
I know that we'd be good friends anyways, because that's the kind of amazing person you are.
If it is, I know eventually this could work out.
I'm just not sure if the timing is right.
It never will be right.
Advice anyone?
I could definately use it.
I'm heading to bed.
I've tried to get my mind of things all night.
I failed miserably.
Maybe if I go into a sleep deep enough, I'll forget about everything until tomorrow morning.
Goodnight.
"You were the chosen one!
It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them.
You were to bring balance to the force, not leave it in darkness! "