What college will I go to?
SOOO I have to decide tonight and this is an immense plight. See Illinois seems to need it in their hand May 1 which means mail it tomorrow which means decide right now and well I'm not asking for advice but just journaling... because I know what I want to know about these two schools. Yeah, I dropped CMU it wasn't nice enough for the price tag. Downward-sloping demand curve folks.
Worst of all, I got 4 hours of sleep. What kind of life decision is made on 4 hours of sleep !??!???! That's fucking ridiculous I shouldn't have put it off, deciding between MD and IL I guess... but here I am and the decision looms like some kind of four years eating monster of doom and...
What do I want?
(Hey maybe this journal entry can have me come to a conclusion LIVE...)
It looks like Maryland doesn't have that much to offer in the way of computer engineering. Illinois has got awesome facilities and a great ranking (it owns) and I have a feeling, if I wanted to be, I could join the ranks of truly skilled people... I mean a marketable skill. But I wouldn't work as closely with professors as I would at Maryland probably - for instance classes are huge. Maryland wants me and Illinois is only willing to give a little $ to get me to come and I'd be in this new program Inventis at Maryland to really get in touch with professors (it's for Gemstone class kids who don't want Gemstone) and this guy at UMD said the research is equivalent to MIT's... well that has to be a load of shit but he made some comparison to MIT that was kind of believable.. maybe. But Illinois is like the secret school of computer-making ninjas, in my mind. Yeah... ninjas. What a flat, dull place for ninjas... better for learning I guess but Maryland I know and love (or do I) and can get places just by biking and have a high old time with some of the Blair folks I really do love. But in Illinois everyone knows each other (no.. they don't... but I wouldn't know anybody and they're all from the same damn state) and boy do I sometimes think I have social problems BUT at the same time what a chance to make a new Phil and be whatever I really want to be without worrying "what will they think when they realize what I've changed from" but am I strong enough for that? UIUC's a capella group kicked so much ass, I have never heard better... but would I be able to get in? It was like 7 frickin people. Will my undergraduate training really matter if I go on to grad school to become a truly l337 computer engineer? Of course it will matter in how well I do but the PhD or whatever the fuck you get in grad school doesn't say "came to grad school with weaker knowledge than kids from Illinois so take him a little slow".
The recommendations I get from people are useful, by the way thanks for your responses on the last post, just they conflict.. several friends for UMD, a few for UIUC plus my parents...! But (a) should their opinions matter much, I should be fine by myself if not better (b) they aren't very conclusive if you want to average them. Should I take the money and run from my parents? It's probably just as easy to get a job at either school. Will they have enough activities for me... from what I've seen Maryland is more lively with activities but Illinois isn't deficient and they've got study abroad now that's fun and worthwhile but Maryland can play that game too does it sound like I'm trying to defend Maryland? I just realized I might be doing that and what would that mean if I was, I don't know.
Can I make my own 0wnage in research so the school doesn't matter? Illinois's got the goods I've always wanted to learn. But how much do I really want to learn computer engineering? What if it turns out I only like it when I'm being an elitist bastard and learning it on my own, but I don't know because Blair doesn't offer jackshit in the real meat of it? (And what high school does) So basically I'm asking a lot of questions and not answering them and I'm not any closer than I was before, except I've defined my problems a liittle more clearly but so verbosely if you've read this far you must be bored to death.
After this discussion I seem to be a little inclined towards Illinois. I was leaning toward that yesterday but then today had something of a change of heart in favor of Maryland... I can't believe 4 years is coming down to this shit. This is the end goal of high school. I am AT the end of high school and the fork in the road is in my face and god do any of you know how indecisive I can be about the littlest things? I try to avoid being that way though, it's kind of lame, just -- HOW CAN I DECIDE THIS
Here's the problem right now, looking into my thinking process of the next several hours(?) it's not going to come up with anything so convincing for either side that I make a choice. Well that sucks Maybe that happens too much in my life and it makes me a pushover. Well, sometimes, could be. That's for another day. The point is I'm swayed by the smallest things sometimes. Or is that not the point.
You know, when I said no to CMU I was comparing it to UIUC. What if I compared it to Maryland? I kind of feel like maybe I'd go to CMU, it wasn't that bad. If you didn't pick this up I'm an inch closer to Illinois now. Has saying that prevented me from making that my final decision here and now? An eerie psychological question to be sure. Screw that, anyway, Illinois is hot stuff. Do I have what it takes... academically yes. I'll develop a better work ethic wherever I go. Socially, to adjust, I honestly have NO idea and the pessimist says no and the optimist says yes you can do it if you want to and if you believe in yourself and have fun. The drinking age is 19 do I want anything to do with that? Not really but it could happen. No, doesn't really matter. I can take Illinois, so why don't I? It's not like I really want to break free of my parents in every way, that would be so complicated, just getting away should be enough (I hope) and if not there's always time in college to get some money and in graduate school to break free right? Or when I just get a plain old real job. Though I do have some kind of problem with my parents, everybody does I don't need no free ride to make it ok. But who am I to take their money... hm.. their kid. They've got it, that's what it's saved for, it's not that much compared to some investments (although it's certainly quite vast compared to your trip to the dollar store). If I wasn't incoherent before I think I am now. Did I stop because I've decided? Sounds pretty weak. But I'm typing on and off now. I guess the underlying reason is that there's less wrong with Illinois than there is with Maryland (and it's hardly any at either - there's no wrong choice - blah blah). And in terms of following my dreams... Illinois rivals the best of them and will teach me what I've always wanted to learn. Goodbye Beltway. Yes... MIT can't produce half the ninja I will be. I will go to the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.
Fighting Illini '08
Damn... that took an hour
Worst of all, I got 4 hours of sleep. What kind of life decision is made on 4 hours of sleep !??!???! That's fucking ridiculous I shouldn't have put it off, deciding between MD and IL I guess... but here I am and the decision looms like some kind of four years eating monster of doom and...
What do I want?
(Hey maybe this journal entry can have me come to a conclusion LIVE...)
It looks like Maryland doesn't have that much to offer in the way of computer engineering. Illinois has got awesome facilities and a great ranking (it owns) and I have a feeling, if I wanted to be, I could join the ranks of truly skilled people... I mean a marketable skill. But I wouldn't work as closely with professors as I would at Maryland probably - for instance classes are huge. Maryland wants me and Illinois is only willing to give a little $ to get me to come and I'd be in this new program Inventis at Maryland to really get in touch with professors (it's for Gemstone class kids who don't want Gemstone) and this guy at UMD said the research is equivalent to MIT's... well that has to be a load of shit but he made some comparison to MIT that was kind of believable.. maybe. But Illinois is like the secret school of computer-making ninjas, in my mind. Yeah... ninjas. What a flat, dull place for ninjas... better for learning I guess but Maryland I know and love (or do I) and can get places just by biking and have a high old time with some of the Blair folks I really do love. But in Illinois everyone knows each other (no.. they don't... but I wouldn't know anybody and they're all from the same damn state) and boy do I sometimes think I have social problems BUT at the same time what a chance to make a new Phil and be whatever I really want to be without worrying "what will they think when they realize what I've changed from" but am I strong enough for that? UIUC's a capella group kicked so much ass, I have never heard better... but would I be able to get in? It was like 7 frickin people. Will my undergraduate training really matter if I go on to grad school to become a truly l337 computer engineer? Of course it will matter in how well I do but the PhD or whatever the fuck you get in grad school doesn't say "came to grad school with weaker knowledge than kids from Illinois so take him a little slow".
The recommendations I get from people are useful, by the way thanks for your responses on the last post, just they conflict.. several friends for UMD, a few for UIUC plus my parents...! But (a) should their opinions matter much, I should be fine by myself if not better (b) they aren't very conclusive if you want to average them. Should I take the money and run from my parents? It's probably just as easy to get a job at either school. Will they have enough activities for me... from what I've seen Maryland is more lively with activities but Illinois isn't deficient and they've got study abroad now that's fun and worthwhile but Maryland can play that game too does it sound like I'm trying to defend Maryland? I just realized I might be doing that and what would that mean if I was, I don't know.
Can I make my own 0wnage in research so the school doesn't matter? Illinois's got the goods I've always wanted to learn. But how much do I really want to learn computer engineering? What if it turns out I only like it when I'm being an elitist bastard and learning it on my own, but I don't know because Blair doesn't offer jackshit in the real meat of it? (And what high school does) So basically I'm asking a lot of questions and not answering them and I'm not any closer than I was before, except I've defined my problems a liittle more clearly but so verbosely if you've read this far you must be bored to death.
After this discussion I seem to be a little inclined towards Illinois. I was leaning toward that yesterday but then today had something of a change of heart in favor of Maryland... I can't believe 4 years is coming down to this shit. This is the end goal of high school. I am AT the end of high school and the fork in the road is in my face and god do any of you know how indecisive I can be about the littlest things? I try to avoid being that way though, it's kind of lame, just -- HOW CAN I DECIDE THIS
Here's the problem right now, looking into my thinking process of the next several hours(?) it's not going to come up with anything so convincing for either side that I make a choice. Well that sucks Maybe that happens too much in my life and it makes me a pushover. Well, sometimes, could be. That's for another day. The point is I'm swayed by the smallest things sometimes. Or is that not the point.
You know, when I said no to CMU I was comparing it to UIUC. What if I compared it to Maryland? I kind of feel like maybe I'd go to CMU, it wasn't that bad. If you didn't pick this up I'm an inch closer to Illinois now. Has saying that prevented me from making that my final decision here and now? An eerie psychological question to be sure. Screw that, anyway, Illinois is hot stuff. Do I have what it takes... academically yes. I'll develop a better work ethic wherever I go. Socially, to adjust, I honestly have NO idea and the pessimist says no and the optimist says yes you can do it if you want to and if you believe in yourself and have fun. The drinking age is 19 do I want anything to do with that? Not really but it could happen. No, doesn't really matter. I can take Illinois, so why don't I? It's not like I really want to break free of my parents in every way, that would be so complicated, just getting away should be enough (I hope) and if not there's always time in college to get some money and in graduate school to break free right? Or when I just get a plain old real job. Though I do have some kind of problem with my parents, everybody does I don't need no free ride to make it ok. But who am I to take their money... hm.. their kid. They've got it, that's what it's saved for, it's not that much compared to some investments (although it's certainly quite vast compared to your trip to the dollar store). If I wasn't incoherent before I think I am now. Did I stop because I've decided? Sounds pretty weak. But I'm typing on and off now. I guess the underlying reason is that there's less wrong with Illinois than there is with Maryland (and it's hardly any at either - there's no wrong choice - blah blah). And in terms of following my dreams... Illinois rivals the best of them and will teach me what I've always wanted to learn. Goodbye Beltway. Yes... MIT can't produce half the ninja I will be. I will go to the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.
Fighting Illini '08
Damn... that took an hour