Nairaith:The Long Journey:Part 3

[nairaithironaxe]

Day to day, it was a journey inside his own mind. Inside his soul, lots of searching, a little finding at the end of each day. Slowly, he could feel the great burden of the slaughter begin to lift, not leave, but rest a little more gingerly upon his broad shoulders. With the nights, the blood and the murder returned to him, drving into his head, a

Comments

[mystranger]

seeing a dwarf kneeling to an elf in your world seems odd. then again, a dwarf kneeling to anyone but a dwarf is odd.

you're much better at placing your characters...maybe that comes from being a dm?

--Wanderer

Well, It makes sense for this part of his existance...

[nairaithironaxe]

After having slaughtered an entire metropolis, (as a rogue would) he is now trying to atone because he feel sit's not his way, so in his soul, he would try to ask forgiveness of the Elven people. Sure Dwarves and Elves have their animosities... but they also have small truces and such.

Plus, it makes for good story... lol.

Thanks Lish, I like your comments.

=P

~Oro

Great story so far

[icemusic]

It's very enjoyable. Some things that you might pay attention to:

1) Grammar and such. Sure for right now it doesn't matter, it's just a journal, but if you plan to put it out there in any other medium, it's going to be important.

2) Sometimes your descriptions seem fragmented, and could be a lot more enticing with some revision:
Ex: The dark ebbing of the red color began to fill him, the tent, and the area.

Could better be expressed as say, "The dark, ebbing crimson began to fill him and the tent, overflowing into the surrounding area.

Or something better, but you get my point. You don't have to eliminate the fragments alltogether, cuz sometimes they add effect.

Well, you said you wanted thorough comments, so there ya are. Hope it helped.

--Ass

Re: Great story so far

[nairaithironaxe]

Yeah, I suck at grammar. I know lol.

Fragmented descriptions... ok, I'll watch for that.

Cool, thanks Ass.