(no subject)
There was something strange in the air that Saturday. They looked so out of picture on that small couch in Jinkis apartment with the way Kibum clutched to his guitar bag and Jinki just looked at him. This was so different to their usual attitude just as if Kibum was afraid, now that Jinki actually tried to teach him, instead of occasionally correcting him, things had changed.
“So you never took guitar lessons?”, the older asked timidly while his eyes were glued to the black bag in between the youngers legs. It was weird talking about it so forced. These question had never been important to neither of them. But now it seemed more relevant than ever. “Learned it all by myself.”, he replied with a slight shake of his head, his blonde fringe pinned to the side with a sparkly blue pin. “Well neither have I so… I don’t know how to be a good teacher Kibum. Maybe you really should ask someone else.” But before he could even finish his sentence properly, Kibum clutched at his biceps instead of the bag so harshly, it was almost scaring Jinki. “No! You’ll be the best teacher! Jinki please! Please give it a shot! Nobody could teach me better than you! Please… Please give it a shot!”, why did he always sound so desperate? How could he be so sure about this all? About Jinki being the only one he could ask for help? How? How? How?
But there was no room for this question now, and Jinki knew so.
“Okay shall we… Give it a try then?”, the older asked quietly as his lips tugged into a faint smile. The others nimble fingers slowly unzipped the bag and he pulled out a plain blue acoustic guitar. It wasn’t from any well known company, but it didn’t matter after all. At least not with the way Kibum gripped the guitar and played a few tunes. Caressing the strings and neck of the guitar as if he was holding a lover. As if the guitar was a newborn baby you had to carefully hold. But something was missing in the way Kibum was playing, there was nothing of the determination that was glinting in his eyes. Nothing he had showed all those mornings on this couch, with the faint morning sun throwing soft shadows around the room. There was no passion and no future showing in every tune. Kibum played good, he never gripped the wrong strings, always played nicely, but it was plain. There were no facets, not like when he was talking. And maybe that was, what was truly missing. Maybe, just maybe, Kibum wasn’t born to be a guitar player. But had yet to find his true talent.
“You play well Bum.”, Jinki smiled warmly. And it was by all means no lie. “But it feels, like you’re not truly playing. Your fingers move in perfection, they move like they learned it from a sheet and not from heart.”, Jinki said calmly as he looked into Kibum’s eyes. And they were wide and deep down those dark brown orbs was something, the barkeeper thought was pain. “That’s what my prof at college said too.”, Kibum replied clipped. “Like I wasn’t meaning what I try to convey.” And there it was. The whole problem brought down into one meaningless sentence. But it cut not only into Kibum’s heart, but his own as well.
He had wanted to free people with his music back then, but hadn’t felt free himself. That’s why he had dropped out of the business, cause he had realized that there was no music for him, if he couldn’t believe in his own words anymore.
"We should grab lunch Bum, let’s think afterwards about the cure to our problem."
--
"I don’t know maybe my flatmate is at home, so uh…", Kibum paused while he fumbled with the keys. "If he’s at home, just ignore him. He can be some kind of stupid at times." And with that the younger opened the door just to display a messy living room. The student hadn’t even the slightest change to excuse the mess to Jinki before Taemin already appeared by the door. Panic written all over his face. "KIBUM!! KIBUM!! OH MY GOD I NEE-", the blonde stopped in his tracks and furrowed his brows upon seeing his flatmate standing in the doorway. "Who is this?!", he questioned quickly as he stepped closer. "Is this, this Jinki guy you talk about all day?" Well Taemin obviously had no decency at all and that was obvious by the way Kibum’s cheeks turned red in utter embarrassment. But Jinki seemed to be unimpressed, because he flashed Taemin a bold grin. "Yea, I’m ‘that Jinki guy’. So… You talk about me a lot, mh?" and with that he nudged Kibum’s side gently.
The mood lifted a lot after Kibum threw a tantrum about the mess of books in the living room and the way Taemin looked like he hadn’t showered in three days. But Jinki assured him, it was fine. “I was fucking studying for finals!”, Taemin whined as he buried his face into a math book. “Cause unlike you asshole, studying for finals means not only making very annoying music till four in the morning, but actually reading books and doing very shitty and hard math calculations.” The blond only raised his brows but Jinki was quick to chirp in. “Oh! I’ve always been good at math you know!” It seemed like there was some kind of genius hiding behind that squishy face. “Weren’t you a star or something?”, the youngest retorted dryly as he looked up. “Yeah i have, but I’ve been attending college too, you know!”
Kibum hadn’t planned the evening to end with him cooking, while Jinki explained calculus to Taemin. But whenever he looked over his shoulder, his heart fluttered weirdly upon the barkeepers soft smile. Maybe this wasn’t all too bad after all.
--
"Are you free tonight?"
“I have classes till 7pm jinx and u know that”
“… Right friday classes. So are you free afterwards?”
“sure”
“And the weekend?”
“Yea….. why do u ask do u need help at the bar?”
“The bar is closed for the weekend. Pack your things and come over tonight, okay?”
“jinx what the fuck is up with u? the bar closed? are u k?”
“Totally fine! Just pack your things and come over. I promise after the weekend you’ll be able to play guitar like you’re meant to be. See you tonight.”
Kibum wasn’t sure what was up with the older man, but his stomach prickled weirdly with excitement.
--
It was almost 9pm when the doorbell finally rang and Jinki was quick to open the door, but didn’t even lead Kibum inside. “No need to take your shoes off, we’ll head off right away.”, he replied almost clipped as he grabbed his bag and stepped out into the hallway to Kibum. “Hey nice to see you too.”, the younger groaned as he looked at his counterpart. “Will you finally tell me what this is all about?”, he demanded but the other just shrugged. “You know. Finding ourselves, that’s all.” What the fuck was wrong with the barkeeper, the student thought as he followed him outside and to his car.
The car ride was silent. Half through Kibum must have fallen asleep cause when he woke up, the sun was almost rising and Jinki had parked the car in a parking lot near the beach. Kibum groaned and rubbed his eyes tiredly. “Is this really the sea Jinki…”, he murmured tiredly but only received a tired hum in return.
“This is freedom Kibum. Packing things and leaving the routine. This is what is missing in your.. In our music. Our heart only knows routine, stuff we learned from sheets and not from heart. But this Kibum..” And with that he turned to look at the younger. “Kibum this is what we need. Break the routine, come on.”
They got out of the car and took their shoes off as they walked down the beach. Kibum didn’t really understand what Jinki meant, until he saw the sun lighten up his face. And for the first time ever since they had met, he saw how old Jinki truly was. He didn’t look like 33, more like 37 and it pained Kibum unknowingly deep. But there was something else that pained him, something he had pushing aside ever since that first evening in Jinki’s apartment. And now, now that they were out of their safe routine, it dared to break free and play its own music. A sound he hadn’t heard in years.
-
They stayed at a tiny holiday apartment, something that reminded Kibum of his youth and holidays with his parents. Jinki tho, seemed to have no memories regarding any holiday ever and somehow this conversation ended in a giggle fit and a pained groan. But Jinki thought, that Kibum’s giggle fit was a nice first memory regarding holiday apartments.
The second one was maybe Kibum’s bed head and how he buried his face into Jinkis chest so he had not to bear the older mans soft laugh.
The third was most probably the best Jinki thought. Cause the way Kibum’s lips pressed to his, how he hummed in content as Jinki kissed him back, was something he had never experienced before.
-
"How is this going to help me play guitar?", Kibum breathed into Jinkis mouth on Sunday night. But he didn’t reply right away, instead kissing him more, caressing his cheek some more before the barkeeper leaned back. "There are three things you need to not just play guitar, but to give it some kind of special tune. First, you need to understand that breaking the routine is called freedom and that nobody can take it from you. Second, you need to breath deeply so you can inhale everything that is surrounding you, giving you the power to put everything into your play. Third, you need something to live for, you need a purpose to play. May it be, whatever you want and if it means you realize, that this isn’t the way things are supposed to be, then may it be this.", Jinki smiled warmly and suddenly Kibum realized what Jinki’s words had been about. The younger slipped his hand into Jinkis neck, tugging him in for a gentle kiss.
"I know you’ll do good with your exam tomorrow."
Jinki dropped Kibum by his apartment and drove off into the night.
-
That night he wasn’t able to sleep at all. There was too much going on in his head to fully comprehend what had happened over the course of the weekend. How had they managed to slip into something so deep, so quickly. And how was it even possible that someone he had only met not even a year ago, was consuming him so distinctively the way only music had before. Jinki turned in his bed, just to look at the big and mercilessly bright LED numbers of his alarm clock. “4am…”, he murmured into his pillow before he rubbed a hand over his tired eyes. “What am I just getting myself into.”
It was actually a good question. Cause his feet dragged him out into the living room to his broken Baton Rouge. “I haven’t played you properly in a while, I am sorry.”, he murmured as he sank down onto the couch to lift the guitar into his lap. “If I can play you as gentle as he did? Can you make those soft sounds for me too? Or am I too wrecked, too worn out to feel these things anymore?” And with that his hands started to pull and press, playing soft tunes that vibrated through the air of the apartment and he automatically felt nostalgia consuming him.
He had missed this. By god he had, with the way his fingers slipped over the marble wood of the neck, how the vibrations shook his whole body. Something within Jinki screamed for this, screamed for music and passion. And without him even properly realizing it, he had made his decision.
-
"Mhhh…", Kibum hummed into the pillow. Jinkis weight pressing comfortably onto his back. "Don’t wanna get up.", he kept on whispering into the soft cotton of Jinki’s pillow cases. "Why not? I’ll invite you for breakfast at Starbucks.", the older retorted with a faint grin which Kibum couldn’t see. It was of no use. Not with the way the student gripped the blankets a bit harder. "I am too comfortable with your weight resting on top of me.", he admitted quietly before another soft hum left his lips upon the way Jinki’s hands found their way below the blankets and under Kibum’s big shirt. "Well if that’s the case…"
This stage of their relationship was kinda new to them. But neither did mind the sudden closeness they had discovered. Therefore the younger enjoyed way too much how Jinki seemed to always read his thoughts when it came to this kind of closeness.
His hands were always gentle, even tho his lips were quite the opposite. Always demanding, his tongue gently prodding while his hands had a tight hold on the students sides. As if the barkeeper was afraid the younger could slip out of his grip anytime soon.
Kibum had no thoughts whatsoever, he simply enjoyed the affection Jinki showed. Something he hadn’t felt in a while. And maybe in the way those soft and big hands caressed him, he found the reason why his heart was beating so horribly fast whenever he looked at Jinki.
"Nah.. That tickles!", the younger gasped upon Jinkis lips pressing kisses along his neck and shoulder blades. "You know, I don’t mind. I love to hear you laugh." And with that he kept on pressing further kisses along the warm skin. "With the way you kiss me, I could bet you do not only want to hear me laugh.", Kibum retorted quietly. But it was evident in his voice how much he truly enjoyed those soft warm lips on his skin.
-
"Tell me Jinki, where is this coming from?", Minho questioned as he lifted an envelop off the kitchen table. "America?", Jonghyun asked with an unknown anger roaring his chest. "I really don’t understand why you even ask when your man can obviously give you the answer already." and with that he shrugged nonchalantly. As if this wasn’t something big. Something really big. "Ok better question than, why America Jinki? Why the goddamn fuck America?", it was unlike Minho to become so explicit. But goddamn there was something hiding in their voices Jinki recognized as fear. "I’ve been hiding forever. I have been reclusive for too long. I am 33 and I want to do something with my life that isn’t going to happen in a tiny one room bar with no windows and a jelly-build staircase."
It was quiet for a while after that. And they didn’t need to talk another word. Cause it was involuntary what Jinki had to say next.
"I want to be a rockstar."
Jonghyun laughed wholeheartedly. “You have said that before. 17 fucking years ago, Jinki. 17 fucking years ago you told us you’d be a rockstar one day! We fucking supported you! And it almost destroyed you! It destroyed you like you destroyed your guitar! And it almost destroyed us as well… Jinki that morning… God Jinki this is going to destroy you again! And who is going to be there then? Who is going to help you in America? Jinki tell me, who will find you on the floor and help you up? Cause we won’t be there!”, and with every new word Jonghyun got more and more desperate. And upon looking in Jinkis hard eyes, the younger snapped.
Jonghyun threw his hands up in despair. “Don’t tell me you hope Kibum will be there! Don’t tell me you rely on him! Jinki don’t play the adventurous teenage romance shit!”
Of course Jinki knew his decision had influence on his friends, but Jinki needed to man up - get up. He had a life to live and passion to convey.
"Don’t break your neck, there might be no glue left to heal that fracture.", were Jonghyun’s tear strained words before he stomped off the apartment in tears.
-
"Jinx, what’s this?", Kibum asked a few weeks later. Joining the older man by the stove with a stack of papers in hand. "Why is there contract written all over this? And why is there filled in your name?", and Kibum didn’t ask like he was clueless and more, like he was truly upset that Jinki hadn’t mentioned anything before. "I’ll go to New York Kibum.", Jinki stated calmly. But he knew there was a storm going on behind his back. He could feel it. "New York?", Kibum asked for confirmation. Way too afraid he may have heard it wrong. "Yes New York.", Jinki confirmed. And it broke something in between them, like Jinki had broken the neck of his Baton Rouge. But he was terribly afraid this wasn’t something he was able to glue.
-
"Jinki this is idiotic.", Jonghyun stated as he packed the older mans books into a box a few weeks later. "It’s perfectly right. Freedom means breaking the routine.", he answered almost defensively. "He means the whole thing with that student.", Minho interfered quietly after a moment of silence. Minho had always been the quiet reasonable one between the three of them. And somehow they were all glad about it because Jonghyun tended to be a mean ass when he was angry and Jinki could say words that stung on more levels than he truly intended.
“Jinki say, do you really, want to leave him behind like this?”, Minho asked as he came over with two big guitar boxes in hand. “He didn’t reply to my texts or calls ever since our last conversation, I mean, what more can I do?”, the oldest of the three asked almost helplessly before Jonghyun chirped in, “Show up at his doorstep and apologize? Tell him the truth? Be honest? Finally get that confession off your chest and tell him he is the true reason you get back in the industry! By god Jinki! He’ll understand! I am sure he loves you too! But one of you needs to do the first step! And Jinki, this one should be you!” And with that they all fell into a silence. Jonghyun was right, and Jinki knew it. But he had been too reclusive for too long as to man up now and get things straightened out with Kibum.
They packed up the whole apartment in silence after that, except for Jinkis broken Baton Rouge and a worn out tape. That night Jinki fell asleep on the couch in Jonghyun and Minho’s apartment, to the muffled sobs of Jonghyun.
-
"Kibum? That guy was over earlier, he left something for you. I think a guitar or something. I stuffed it into your room.", Taemin said as Kibum came home that night into their cramped apartment. "That guy?", Kibum asked halfway through the sentence before he realized what Taemin had said and with a rush he stood in the doorway to his room.
Truly. There stood a guitar box, covered in stickers of different countries and clubs and autographs. And he didn’t need to check from whom it was to know it was Jinkis. On his bed lay a big envelope and a tape.
He put the tape into the recorder he had bought in a second hand shop once before he sat down and carefully opened the guitar box.
His hands were shaky as the blonde lifted the case, but he needed to know what was inside. Or more like, he needed to confirm if he was right. And god he was and it made him only shake more. Brought him almost to tears. Cause this was too much, this was like a goodbye. And Kibum was on the verge of tears as regret crushed down on him. Maybe if he hadn’t started to argue with Jinki that night, like he had any right to argue with him about his own life choices, this wouldn’t have been how things ended. If he just had said “I love you” instead of “I hate you” that night, maybe then, they could have found a way for this all to work out.
And while Jinki’s very first demo tape played in the background, Kibum scrambled up the floor to grab for the envelop on the bed, opening it with still shaking hands and taking out what was inside.
--
'Kibum,
maybe this is goodbye. Maybe this is the start of something new. For the both of us. You never told me you passed your practical exam as the top of your class after that night. But I think maybe you didn’t really needed to tell me. I think I saw it in your eyes all along.
What I didn’t saw was, that I could ever fall in love with a stranger. Neither did I see coming, that you would be the reason I got my life together again and actually try to reanimate my career.
But the morning at the beach, I felt it in my toes. And that saturday night I felt it in my hands and when you kissed me goodbye that sunday night, I felt myself unable to fall asleep.
In my head was the freedom you planted in it and the inspiration you gave my hands and for the first time in 10 years I felt determination run through my veins.
Kibum you were my freedom and I felt myself unable to say it, but you knew it anyway, didn’t you?
There isn’t more to say right?
I love you and I knew you loved me too.
I got you a piece of my heart, never stop making music no matter how broken you are.
Glue the pieces together.
Thank you.
J.’
ps.
Congratulations on your degree.
--
Jonghyun was almost nervously checking his watch while Jinki patiently waited in line for the check in at the airport. “Don’t worry Jong, things will be fine, right?”, Minho smiled and rubbed the space between his shoulder blades gently. “And what if not?!”, the older hissed quietly as his eyes scanned the airport.
“Things always work out. Jinki wanted to be a rockstar, so he became a rockstar. Jinki wanted to open up a bar, so he opened up one. Jinki wanted to be happy, and he will be.”
It took Jinki almost an hour to get through the stupid check in, but as he joined Minho and Jonghyun again he flashed them an almost enthusiastic smile. “You’ll come visiting me, won’t you?”, he asked and nudged Jonghyun’s shoulder gently. He looked as worried as a mother would, but Jinki found it somehow to be very cute, so he didn’t complain. “You should be going right? The boarding does start soon and with your luck you’ll get lost on your way or something.”, Minho said with a weak smile, and he could feel Jonghyun clinging to his arm horribly hard. “Right, I should.” They hugged each other for what felt like forever before they finally parted and Jinki turned to make his way to the boarding area.
Jinki had almost reached the security guard as he felt someone slipping his hand into his. He didn’t felt the need to check for who it was. The raw and bumpy fingers that caressed his hand, all too familiar to him. He slowly raised their intertwined fingers and pressed a gentle kiss to the knuckles. “I knew you would come…”, he murmured against the skin there before the other wrapped his arms around the olders arm. As if to make sure he wouldn’t slip out of his grip again. “I love you.”, Kibum murmured into the olders biceps, pressing his tear stained face into the leather of his jacket.
They had an unique tone. Like a broken guitar that got glued together, worn out strings that had used to play rock music, but hummed gentle love songs now.