Game of Thrones - Episode by Episode #65
Okay, so remember Game of Thrones? That show that I thought was full of political stupidity and too much sex and not enough undead. This is a different series. The series I thought I wanted.
Episode 65: "Eastwatch"
We open up with a double dose of Plot Armor. It turns out that Incest Charming is alive because BSS saves him from drowning. BSS berates Incest Charming for trying to commit suicide by dragonfire and that he doesn't get to die until BSS gets his gold. BSS also indicates, though, that in the face of dragons, their paths will part.
Anyway, Incest Charming goes back to King's Landing and tells Incest Queen that the army he faced will kill everyone. She doesn't care. He also tells Incest Queen that Granny Goodwench confessed that she killed Joffrey before dying. Incest Queen doesn't want to believe it...until she totally does.
Yes, this is going to be one of those episodes where everyone magically changes their minds because we have to worry about the White Walkers. Oh, and we get to see Bran look through a flock of ravens' eyes to see that the Undead are marching towards Eastwatch, the part of the wall where Jon Snow asked the Wildlings to patrol. So he sends a mass e-mail-- I mean, a mass raven message, off to everyone.
But back to our "hero" Daenerys. She tells the surviving members of the Lannister army to surrender or else. Sam's dad and brother won't bend the knee, so despite Tyrion's please for an alternate solution, she lets her dragon barbecue them alive, causing everyone else to kneel before her. Gee, didn't we go through this with Joffrey, Madame Red, and Incest Queen right now? UGH. Even Ramsay Bolton was at least more strategic about his cruelty.
Tyrion...you might have picked the wrong horse, and you might not be able to get off the next stop. Uncle Fester tells him that he has to get her to listen. So there's a plan to hopefully get everyone together...
...and it's a REALLY bad plan. Justice League movie bad...
...but before we get to the Looney Tunes zany scheme these characters cook up, let's go back to Oldtown, where Sam doesn't know any of this. He hears the Maesters talking about the word Bran sent, and he lashes out at them, begging them to intervene. They don't, so Sam has a hissy fit and leaves Old Town, because he's no longer needed there for plot (that is, saving Mormont).
Back on Dragonstone, a cured and armored Mormont suddenly appears. Oh, and Danernys is back (how?) and one of Daenerys' dragons put its snout in Jon Snow's face, who fearlessly connects with it. Designated Hero Privileges invoked, yet again. At this point, geography is meaningless, because people are now appearing where they need to appear because of plot. Again, this is like a video game RPG -- and not in a good way -- where you can switch party members even if they aren't in the vicinity. In video games, it's a needed separation of gameplay and story. In a TV series, this is really inconsistent editing and writing.
So now that all the "good" guys are together, and Daenerys is winning, you would think she and Jon would mutually agree to part ways. She could take over the south. Jon can mine his dragonglass. They would discuss who would "bend the knee" some other time and the two could either have a big fight or whatever. But right now they have no need for each other. Part on good terms.
No, Daenerys still feels a need to be in charge, so she denies Jon access to his ship so she can stall the plot. Because she also needs to be reasonable enough to listen to Jon Snow, she doesn't fricassee him, either, and she halts her offensive against Incest Queen. So everyone decides on this stupid, stupid "compromise."
As part of this compromise, Tyrion would go to Incest Charming to get him to tell Incest Queen to listen. This is the same Incest Charming who swore he would kill Tyrion for killing their father....and Tyrion still has a bounty on his head. Crab Man says he'll smuggle Tyrion to King's Landing, and he does. While in King's Landing, BSS lures Incest Charming to a meeting point. There's minor drama, but this scene, which would have been great in other circumstances, was cut off because it was merely a plot device to get word to the evil queen. Of course, Incest Queen reveals she already knew that Incest Charming met with Tyrion and let it happen because she's stunned that Daenerys would break character and propose an armistice.
I think I preferred Incest Queen when she was incompetently evil.
But the real highlight of this show is who Crab Man retrieves. It turns out MiniTaur is right there in King's Landing....and he's not so Mini anymore. I'd give him a new name, but there are only a few episodes left for this show, so it's not worth it. So Crab Man tells MiniTaur to join the party, and he does. He tells MiniTaur to shut his trap about his parentage. So when MiniTaur gets back to Dragonstone, he naturally tells Jon Snow the old King was his dad. He doesn't mention his travels with Arya, which would have ingratiated himself with Jon Snow and instead the two compare fathers.
Oh, and in Winterfell, Arya and Sansa bicker about how Sansa wants power. Arya uses ninjutsu to spy on Don't Trust Me, Bro, but Don't Trust Me, Bro is actually spying on her spying on him.
But there's still the plan. The STUPID, STUPID PLAN THAT BROKE MY BRAIN.
Anyway, since Daenerys won't let Jon Snow sail back to the north, she wants proof Jon isn't crazy, and she knows Incest Queen needs proof Jon isn't crazy. So they agree to let Jon sail north to Eastwatch. Once they're there, they plan to capture a Walker and bring the undead warrior all the way, several thousand miles to Incest Queen.
THIS IS THE STUPIDEST SHIT I EVER HEARD! WHAT. THE. FUCK.
There are so many things wrong with this (How are you going to keep an undead warrior contained? What if the magic that animates the corpse won't let it pass the wall without help? What if it, I dunno, KILLS EVERYONE? Is this Walker status contagious like the dragon pox? Would Incest Queen even think this was an undead and not some sorcerer's parlor trick? What about alerting Ol' Blue Eyes about your position? Oh, yeah, and the UNDEAD KILLING EVERYONE PART?) that it makes the stupid contrived junk that happens next almost seem reasonable.
Okay, Jon Snow goes with MiniTaur, CrabMan, and Mormont, to Eastwatch. There they meet WildMan, who already hates Mormont because of his last name. But there's some people who these people hate more in the local jail cells. It's Patch, that other guy from the Brothers without Borders, and Scarface. They were detained by the Wildlings (who usually kill their opponents, mind you) for trying to go north of the wall.
Since everyone there has beef with each other, they all fire a few jabs, but realize they all are on the same side of Team Living, and so they all go into the snow, beyond the wall, to catch a White Walker.
Yes, REALLY.
Notes:
Episode 65: "Eastwatch"
We open up with a double dose of Plot Armor. It turns out that Incest Charming is alive because BSS saves him from drowning. BSS berates Incest Charming for trying to commit suicide by dragonfire and that he doesn't get to die until BSS gets his gold. BSS also indicates, though, that in the face of dragons, their paths will part.
Anyway, Incest Charming goes back to King's Landing and tells Incest Queen that the army he faced will kill everyone. She doesn't care. He also tells Incest Queen that Granny Goodwench confessed that she killed Joffrey before dying. Incest Queen doesn't want to believe it...until she totally does.
Yes, this is going to be one of those episodes where everyone magically changes their minds because we have to worry about the White Walkers. Oh, and we get to see Bran look through a flock of ravens' eyes to see that the Undead are marching towards Eastwatch, the part of the wall where Jon Snow asked the Wildlings to patrol. So he sends a mass e-mail-- I mean, a mass raven message, off to everyone.
But back to our "hero" Daenerys. She tells the surviving members of the Lannister army to surrender or else. Sam's dad and brother won't bend the knee, so despite Tyrion's please for an alternate solution, she lets her dragon barbecue them alive, causing everyone else to kneel before her. Gee, didn't we go through this with Joffrey, Madame Red, and Incest Queen right now? UGH. Even Ramsay Bolton was at least more strategic about his cruelty.
Tyrion...you might have picked the wrong horse, and you might not be able to get off the next stop. Uncle Fester tells him that he has to get her to listen. So there's a plan to hopefully get everyone together...
...and it's a REALLY bad plan. Justice League movie bad...
...but before we get to the Looney Tunes zany scheme these characters cook up, let's go back to Oldtown, where Sam doesn't know any of this. He hears the Maesters talking about the word Bran sent, and he lashes out at them, begging them to intervene. They don't, so Sam has a hissy fit and leaves Old Town, because he's no longer needed there for plot (that is, saving Mormont).
Back on Dragonstone, a cured and armored Mormont suddenly appears. Oh, and Danernys is back (how?) and one of Daenerys' dragons put its snout in Jon Snow's face, who fearlessly connects with it. Designated Hero Privileges invoked, yet again. At this point, geography is meaningless, because people are now appearing where they need to appear because of plot. Again, this is like a video game RPG -- and not in a good way -- where you can switch party members even if they aren't in the vicinity. In video games, it's a needed separation of gameplay and story. In a TV series, this is really inconsistent editing and writing.
So now that all the "good" guys are together, and Daenerys is winning, you would think she and Jon would mutually agree to part ways. She could take over the south. Jon can mine his dragonglass. They would discuss who would "bend the knee" some other time and the two could either have a big fight or whatever. But right now they have no need for each other. Part on good terms.
No, Daenerys still feels a need to be in charge, so she denies Jon access to his ship so she can stall the plot. Because she also needs to be reasonable enough to listen to Jon Snow, she doesn't fricassee him, either, and she halts her offensive against Incest Queen. So everyone decides on this stupid, stupid "compromise."
As part of this compromise, Tyrion would go to Incest Charming to get him to tell Incest Queen to listen. This is the same Incest Charming who swore he would kill Tyrion for killing their father....and Tyrion still has a bounty on his head. Crab Man says he'll smuggle Tyrion to King's Landing, and he does. While in King's Landing, BSS lures Incest Charming to a meeting point. There's minor drama, but this scene, which would have been great in other circumstances, was cut off because it was merely a plot device to get word to the evil queen. Of course, Incest Queen reveals she already knew that Incest Charming met with Tyrion and let it happen because she's stunned that Daenerys would break character and propose an armistice.
I think I preferred Incest Queen when she was incompetently evil.
But the real highlight of this show is who Crab Man retrieves. It turns out MiniTaur is right there in King's Landing....and he's not so Mini anymore. I'd give him a new name, but there are only a few episodes left for this show, so it's not worth it. So Crab Man tells MiniTaur to join the party, and he does. He tells MiniTaur to shut his trap about his parentage. So when MiniTaur gets back to Dragonstone, he naturally tells Jon Snow the old King was his dad. He doesn't mention his travels with Arya, which would have ingratiated himself with Jon Snow and instead the two compare fathers.
Oh, and in Winterfell, Arya and Sansa bicker about how Sansa wants power. Arya uses ninjutsu to spy on Don't Trust Me, Bro, but Don't Trust Me, Bro is actually spying on her spying on him.
But there's still the plan. The STUPID, STUPID PLAN THAT BROKE MY BRAIN.
Anyway, since Daenerys won't let Jon Snow sail back to the north, she wants proof Jon isn't crazy, and she knows Incest Queen needs proof Jon isn't crazy. So they agree to let Jon sail north to Eastwatch. Once they're there, they plan to capture a Walker and bring the undead warrior all the way, several thousand miles to Incest Queen.
THIS IS THE STUPIDEST SHIT I EVER HEARD! WHAT. THE. FUCK.
There are so many things wrong with this (How are you going to keep an undead warrior contained? What if the magic that animates the corpse won't let it pass the wall without help? What if it, I dunno, KILLS EVERYONE? Is this Walker status contagious like the dragon pox? Would Incest Queen even think this was an undead and not some sorcerer's parlor trick? What about alerting Ol' Blue Eyes about your position? Oh, yeah, and the UNDEAD KILLING EVERYONE PART?) that it makes the stupid contrived junk that happens next almost seem reasonable.
Okay, Jon Snow goes with MiniTaur, CrabMan, and Mormont, to Eastwatch. There they meet WildMan, who already hates Mormont because of his last name. But there's some people who these people hate more in the local jail cells. It's Patch, that other guy from the Brothers without Borders, and Scarface. They were detained by the Wildlings (who usually kill their opponents, mind you) for trying to go north of the wall.
Since everyone there has beef with each other, they all fire a few jabs, but realize they all are on the same side of Team Living, and so they all go into the snow, beyond the wall, to catch a White Walker.
Yes, REALLY.
Notes:
- So was the gold delivered to the Iron Bank or not? Incest Queen acts like it was, but I thought it got burnt up?
- If MiniTaur was in King's Landing, why would Incest Queen let him live, especially after losing her final child?
- Before Sam cut Mamacita off, she mentions that Rhaegar Targaryen got a secret marriage. Okay...I think I see Liana's goal. I thought it was because she was afraid Robert found out that she was carrying dragonspawn. No, maybe she knew her baby wasn't a blond-haired wonder and didn't want Rhaegar to off the kid. That makes a lot more sense. So she's not as stupid as I thought...or at least I hope. That makes Ned a flipping idiot.
- I am really thinking that Shireen and Tom Thumb should have grown up to be Queen and King of this realm. Again, even if they hated each other, both actually had points make themselves good rulers.