(no subject)
Tiiiny bit of angst that's sequelish to my latest flashfill on the meme.
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L stared up at the ceiling as the door closed behind Light, too tired to move from the couch Light had put him on.
Things weren't turning out quite as he'd expected. L had taken what happened to Lind L. Taylor as a demonstration of what would happen to him if Kira ever learned his real name. He'd thought that Kira wanted his death, and he certainly hadn't expected that to improve after the way he'd treated Light while he was officially a suspect.
Then again, he hadn't expected Kira to find his vulnerabilities, either. He was willing to treat his own death as a necessary price in this struggle, but Wammy's? Roger's? Near's, Mello's, Matt's? Somehow, a few hours of submission every week in return for their survival didn't seem unacceptable, either when he started or now, after months of being Light's toy - though that attitude might have been helped by how mildly Light was treating him.
He'd let Light think he couldn't tell Light wanted him to submit willingly because he suspected that knowing he was playing along would drive Light to find something that would get a real reaction from him. He'd been prepared for Light to hurt him - given their new dynamic, he'd expected Light to only restrain himself far enough to hide what was going on from the taskforce - so he had no idea what to make of how gentle Light was being with him, the care he was putting into his slow seduction of L. It was stirring completely unreasonable feelings of gratitude, which - L suspected - were combining with the physical gratification of the regular orgasms Light caused him to create something very similar to traditional Stockholm Syndrome.
Things were not improved for L by the fact that he had to hide what was going on from Wammy. Light had challenged him, back when this began, about Wammy's skills, and forced him to admit to himself that if Wammy knew it would just lead to his death, as any action against Light would be taken by Rem as a threat to Misa's happiness.
Besides, L couldn't face explaining to his mentor and his successors that he'd failed so spectacularly at the lessons he'd been taught on emotionally distancing himself from others - not when those lessons had been intended to get rid of precisely this weakness.
Depressed, and oddly lonely, L finally stood up. He thought about what Light was probably doing - most likely cuddling with Misa to keep her happy - and hunched his shoulders as a ridiculous surge of jealousy washed through him. He knew Light's feelings towards him were more genuine than his feelings for Misa (and what that said about their relationship might even have made him sorry for her if he didn't know that she was forcing it on them both), he didn't even want Light (...or he hadn't when this started), and yet the thought of her with Light's arm around her in public made his stomach feel sour. The thought of Light kissing her, even just on the cheek, made him feel worse.
Embarrassing and shameful as his emotional reactions were, though, the worst part was knowing that if he gave in and asked Light to reassure him, to comfort him, Light would do exactly that.
That wasn't quite true.
The worst part was knowing that, sooner or later, he was going to give in and ask.
-----
L stared up at the ceiling as the door closed behind Light, too tired to move from the couch Light had put him on.
Things weren't turning out quite as he'd expected. L had taken what happened to Lind L. Taylor as a demonstration of what would happen to him if Kira ever learned his real name. He'd thought that Kira wanted his death, and he certainly hadn't expected that to improve after the way he'd treated Light while he was officially a suspect.
Then again, he hadn't expected Kira to find his vulnerabilities, either. He was willing to treat his own death as a necessary price in this struggle, but Wammy's? Roger's? Near's, Mello's, Matt's? Somehow, a few hours of submission every week in return for their survival didn't seem unacceptable, either when he started or now, after months of being Light's toy - though that attitude might have been helped by how mildly Light was treating him.
He'd let Light think he couldn't tell Light wanted him to submit willingly because he suspected that knowing he was playing along would drive Light to find something that would get a real reaction from him. He'd been prepared for Light to hurt him - given their new dynamic, he'd expected Light to only restrain himself far enough to hide what was going on from the taskforce - so he had no idea what to make of how gentle Light was being with him, the care he was putting into his slow seduction of L. It was stirring completely unreasonable feelings of gratitude, which - L suspected - were combining with the physical gratification of the regular orgasms Light caused him to create something very similar to traditional Stockholm Syndrome.
Things were not improved for L by the fact that he had to hide what was going on from Wammy. Light had challenged him, back when this began, about Wammy's skills, and forced him to admit to himself that if Wammy knew it would just lead to his death, as any action against Light would be taken by Rem as a threat to Misa's happiness.
Besides, L couldn't face explaining to his mentor and his successors that he'd failed so spectacularly at the lessons he'd been taught on emotionally distancing himself from others - not when those lessons had been intended to get rid of precisely this weakness.
Depressed, and oddly lonely, L finally stood up. He thought about what Light was probably doing - most likely cuddling with Misa to keep her happy - and hunched his shoulders as a ridiculous surge of jealousy washed through him. He knew Light's feelings towards him were more genuine than his feelings for Misa (and what that said about their relationship might even have made him sorry for her if he didn't know that she was forcing it on them both), he didn't even want Light (...or he hadn't when this started), and yet the thought of her with Light's arm around her in public made his stomach feel sour. The thought of Light kissing her, even just on the cheek, made him feel worse.
Embarrassing and shameful as his emotional reactions were, though, the worst part was knowing that if he gave in and asked Light to reassure him, to comfort him, Light would do exactly that.
That wasn't quite true.
The worst part was knowing that, sooner or later, he was going to give in and ask.