For Nothing - A Merlin fanfiction
Title: For Nothing
Fandom: Merlin
Characters/Pairing: Merlin, Arthur
Word Count: 606
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Series 5 spoilers
Summary: What’s the point of keeping on struggling when you know how the fight is going to end?
Author's Notes: Sets after episode 5x05
For Nothing
Merlin had never felt his destiny so heavy before as he was sitting by the lake, the only place he could be totally alone. Without anyone asking what was wrong with him, saying ‘I told you so’ or ‘it wasn’t your fault.’ It was his fault. Not only because he didn’t take the chance to kill Mordred when he could have done so, but he ruined the possibility of the freedom of his kind for nothing. It was definitely his fault.
He felt a sharp pain in his chest as he took a deep breath, with tears running down his cheeks as emptiness was spreading out in his soul, swallowing all the hope he had for a better world. He knew he would have kept his magic secret for the rest of his life if it could save the kingdom, if it could save Arthur.
He was so close to tell it to him him there, at the forest, because he felt he was ready for it. He was aching to tell it to him, because he felt he would understand.
Yet he forced himself to keep his mouth shut, to ignore the magic fluttering inside him, ready to show itself. He sacrificed the freedom of his kind to save Arthur and although nothing had hurt like this before, he knew he did the right thing.
Knowing that the person threatening Arthur’s life was dead, he was ready to face anything the Disir would send upon Camelot. Anything but Mordred coming to greet them.
His sacrifice was for nothing. Mordred would kill Arthur and the days of Albion would never come.
It was his destiny to bring them and he failed.
The emptiness inside him that had started to grow when he saw Mordred alive had slowly taken him whole, consuming everything he had believed in and leaving nothing but pictures of Arthur getting killed by the druid’s sword. All because of him.
Why do we know our destiny if we can’t do anything to change it? he asked himself. What’s the point of keeping on struggling when you know how the fight is going to end?
He stared at the water, waiting for an answer, although he knew there wasn’t any. He could have changed Arthur’s fate, but he didn’t. He could have showed him what magic was really about, but he didn’t.
He lost the chance of a brighter future, the faith, the hope and he was going to lose Arthur as well. He even stopped feeling magic flowing through his body and soul. It was the only thing he could lean on when he was feeling lonely and hopeless - and now he lost it, too.
He heard the bushes rustling behind his back, but he didn’t turn away from the water, not even when he noticed someone standing beside him.
“Go away, Gaius,” he told him quietly, without even looking at him.
He was expecting objection, but his visitor didn’t say a word, just stayed there, standing next to him.
“I told you to...” Merlin began with a rage rising inside him, but turning to the other man, he couldn’t finish the sentence.
Because it wasn’t Gaius.
“Is there anything you want to tell me?” Arthur asked and Merlin couldn’t avoid his glance, no matter how he tried to.
In his eyes, Merlin was looking for anger or sadness, but he only found concern and worry. Not for Camelot, not for the kingdom, but for him. And he knew he couldn’t hide it anymore.
Looking at him, he nodded his head a little.
And Arthur sat down next to him.
And he listened.
Fandom: Merlin
Characters/Pairing: Merlin, Arthur
Word Count: 606
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Series 5 spoilers
Summary: What’s the point of keeping on struggling when you know how the fight is going to end?
Author's Notes: Sets after episode 5x05
For Nothing
Merlin had never felt his destiny so heavy before as he was sitting by the lake, the only place he could be totally alone. Without anyone asking what was wrong with him, saying ‘I told you so’ or ‘it wasn’t your fault.’ It was his fault. Not only because he didn’t take the chance to kill Mordred when he could have done so, but he ruined the possibility of the freedom of his kind for nothing. It was definitely his fault.
He felt a sharp pain in his chest as he took a deep breath, with tears running down his cheeks as emptiness was spreading out in his soul, swallowing all the hope he had for a better world. He knew he would have kept his magic secret for the rest of his life if it could save the kingdom, if it could save Arthur.
He was so close to tell it to him him there, at the forest, because he felt he was ready for it. He was aching to tell it to him, because he felt he would understand.
Yet he forced himself to keep his mouth shut, to ignore the magic fluttering inside him, ready to show itself. He sacrificed the freedom of his kind to save Arthur and although nothing had hurt like this before, he knew he did the right thing.
Knowing that the person threatening Arthur’s life was dead, he was ready to face anything the Disir would send upon Camelot. Anything but Mordred coming to greet them.
His sacrifice was for nothing. Mordred would kill Arthur and the days of Albion would never come.
It was his destiny to bring them and he failed.
The emptiness inside him that had started to grow when he saw Mordred alive had slowly taken him whole, consuming everything he had believed in and leaving nothing but pictures of Arthur getting killed by the druid’s sword. All because of him.
Why do we know our destiny if we can’t do anything to change it? he asked himself. What’s the point of keeping on struggling when you know how the fight is going to end?
He stared at the water, waiting for an answer, although he knew there wasn’t any. He could have changed Arthur’s fate, but he didn’t. He could have showed him what magic was really about, but he didn’t.
He lost the chance of a brighter future, the faith, the hope and he was going to lose Arthur as well. He even stopped feeling magic flowing through his body and soul. It was the only thing he could lean on when he was feeling lonely and hopeless - and now he lost it, too.
He heard the bushes rustling behind his back, but he didn’t turn away from the water, not even when he noticed someone standing beside him.
“Go away, Gaius,” he told him quietly, without even looking at him.
He was expecting objection, but his visitor didn’t say a word, just stayed there, standing next to him.
“I told you to...” Merlin began with a rage rising inside him, but turning to the other man, he couldn’t finish the sentence.
Because it wasn’t Gaius.
“Is there anything you want to tell me?” Arthur asked and Merlin couldn’t avoid his glance, no matter how he tried to.
In his eyes, Merlin was looking for anger or sadness, but he only found concern and worry. Not for Camelot, not for the kingdom, but for him. And he knew he couldn’t hide it anymore.
Looking at him, he nodded his head a little.
And Arthur sat down next to him.
And he listened.