Not so gloomy Sunday pt2
[[ private, cont'd from previous post ]]
| SUNDAY |
Practice in the morning. There was something weighing me down. Guilt? A decision? I owed him an explanation. And aside from that, I needed to talk to someone. TT_TT I'm such a girl sometimes, it's annoying. And then Kim called. And things... went from there :X Why do I stay calm in situations where there's reason to panic, and panic when ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WEIRD IS GOING ON? TT_TT
My mom called me and I spilled orange juice ._.; Reasserting that I possess no bodily grace whatsoever. Seriously, how many times have I tripped on that last move in the HUG choregraphy?
You'd think, though, that a person could pour orange juice and talk on the phone at the same time.
Guess not. ^^;;;
Today had a lot of hard lessons and equally difficult confessions. Here's hoping he doesn't think I'm a psycho ^^;;;;;;;;
the K R N mouse: -lounges on the living room couch, eyes watching the flashing TV in front of him, now that they've gotten a moment's rest from early morning practice-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~comes in and drops to the couch beside Micky, without a word, and rests his head lightly on his shoulder, eyes blindly watching the television screen~
the K R N mouse: -sits in the same quiet posture for a minute, before placing a hand gently on the back of Jae's neck- ..tired?
JJ Hero of Korea: ~shakes his head lightly~ no... just... thinking. ^^
the K R N mouse: yeah? -glances over at him a minute- ..about what? -the tv flashed pictures of japanese celebrities he really couldn't identify-
JJ Hero of Korea: un...just... stuff.. ~sighs quietly, fingering the chain around his neck - somehow it felt as though it were choking him~
the K R N mouse: it sounds like more than just 'stuff'.. -doesn't want to press the situation, but can't help but feel curious- mm? -plays very lightly with the back of his hair-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~makes up his mind to actually go through with what he'd been debating - to talk to micky about it - it wasnt fair to keep him in the dark when he picked up the pieces with such care~ Kim... he... um... ~unsure how to explain, he trails off~
the K R N mouse: -the television was merely background noise now. or light. he glances at jae, waiting patiently for him to continue-
JJ Hero of Korea: its kind of... a long story... :/ you... really want to know? ~his gaze drops~
the K R N mouse: i do.. -tilts his head a little- but only if you want to tell me.
JJ Hero of Korea: i should tell you... especially after.. the other night. that was.. stupid. of me. ~presses the heel of a palm to his eye and rubs at it slightly, blinking afterward~
the K R N mouse: nn.. -pauses, saying nothing for a moment, speculating on the other night's events- i'm sure you had reason for it. -looks at him-
JJ Hero of Korea: i... got scared. it's.. silly. irrational. fear... paralyzes me. ~cringes, annoyed with his own weakness. and having to admit it after~
the K R N mouse: -shifts slightly, trying his best to keep the concern out of his face.. but he couldn't help but feel it creep up a little bit- ..what are you scared of?
JJ Hero of Korea: i'm.. not sure. it just... its like this sudden feeling like everything's not like it seems... like.. i had no control over anything. it would all.. fall away...and... you. would.. too. ~his gaze remained downcast~
the K R N mouse: a life of turning around.. to check on the truth ..doesn't suit you. -follows his line of gaze- don't hold yourself just above the surface, jae.. -frowns lightly, eyes quietly flickering up to rest on him- nothing should keep you from breathing. -pauses- ..besides. -shakes his head concretely- i'm not going anywhere.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~nodding slightly, he sighed~ i know... it just... got away from me. that night. its happened... several times... recently. a little different every time... but.. the same. that day -- ~he paused, breath halting a moment~ when you and I.... it was... another.. variation... i get .. away from myself... ~a hard thing to confess, yet he felt it necessary~
the K R N mouse: -nods, glancing falling a moment, only to return- ..that explains the trembling. -states carefully, leaning more towards the direction of an inquiry. to further this explanation-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~a pause, then a quick nod. even today, he wasn't wholly stable, and thus instinctively moved a little closer~ yeah...and... ~he remembered to inhale~.it was... the first... time... ~his eyes closed -- something about this felt humiliating, yet redeeming all at once~
the K R N mouse: -looks down at him, registering the previously unspoken information- ..do I scare you?
JJ Hero of Korea: ~the question knocked the air out of him as he fumbled for a response~ n-no...~/yes/ uncertainly filling his tone~ no. imean... ~/yes/ he shut his eyes tightly, hiding his face against micky's shoulder, his voice barely a whisper~ y..yes...~a wash of shame overcame him~ a little...
the K R N mouse: -there is a sudden feeling of free-falling accompanied with that answer. or sadness.. just a bit. it mingled. for a minute, he tended not to the answer but to Jae beside him.. stroking his hair lightly in the silence- ..okay.
JJ Hero of Korea: its... its my fault... i... get scared... when im confused... or when... i need .. something. ~his voice drops to a whisper again~ or someone. ~a pause~ or when... things are... out of my control... its not... your fault..
the K R N mouse: -he wasn't mad. not dissapointed. none of it. he felt helpless, maybe.. a factor in something he was desperately trying to understand- ..are you scared.. -sighs just a little, trying to sort out his own mind- ..because you need me? -voice is soft.. and at this moment, he can't exactly tell if he's headed in the right direction-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~a timorous nod~ i..i'm not used... to needing... ~a shaky sigh~ anything. when we... didnt talk... for those two weeks... was when i realized... .. hard to admit... ..dont understand... ~fragmented phrases were all he could manage, as the facts were pretty unclear in his own head~
the K R N mouse: ..I can't make you believe that I won't hurt you.. -eyes downcast, thoughtful, before simply settling on him for a moment. he sits up slowly, retrieving something from his back pocket. a lighter. he holds it out between them, igniting a flame- ..but sometimes... -he covers the flame with his hand, the light flickering under his grasp and against his skin- ..the fear... is just the mind.. -he releases it, letting it burn, before flicking it off. he places the lighter in jae's hand-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~a single sob, something of a relieved laugh, escapes from Jae's throat as he closes his hand around it, feeling the tingling burn of the metal where the flame had been just moments prior. his arms circle micky's shoulders immediately, face pressed to his neck~ thankyou... ~his voice was steadier, smoother. he wasn't shaking. he could breathe. his pulse was calming.~
the K R N mouse: -his own arms slip in an embrace around Jae's waist to hold him there a minute, a smile just faintly painting his lips.. almost evanescent. here, he could feel.. there was an absence of trembling- ...you're welcome..
JJ Hero of Korea: ~he rested in micky's arms a moment, soaking in the assurance there, calmly, in the way he did every night now. he didnt even care, if any of the others saw them now~ i never did explain what Kim has to do with anything... ~the quietest wry laughter caught in his throat~ id still like to... since you should know...
the K R N mouse: okay.. -a slow, affirmative nod as arms still circled loosely around him - something becoming more and more familiar. though it didn't make it any less warm, only.. warmer. he was quiet to listen, absorbing the atmosphere-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~somehow, in his head, Kim was two different people now. the outside. and the inside. it was the outside that he felt at ease to speak about~ he... wanted me. i... wasn't really thinking straight... i let him... i needed someone to hold onto after... we... and there was no one... i couldn't go to you, or the others... and Kim seemed to genuinely like me.....
the K R N mouse: -this, he understood. whether it be from the more he learned, or not.. the sentence could be left unfinished. he'd already filled it in. the words still stung, for whatever reason.. maybe even not for him, though the feeling would quickly subside- ..you talk about him in past tense. -notes slowly- ..what now?
JJ Hero of Korea: i dont know why... i thought it would be different. he's... a player. everyone knows that. i knew that. he was involved with Minwoo... i found out after. but he still told me he wanted to be with me... that he'd do whatever it took... he did nice things for me... gave me this... ~he tugged at the necklace~ i was convinced, if not moved. but then... i think he was with someone else the other night... it just.. made me realize how foolish i was. we had... i thought we had... an arrangement. an agreement of some kind... i feel... so stupid.
the K R N mouse: that's why actors get so much money, jae.. -says gently, with a pause. there was a feeling brewing.. deeper than the deepest, but still brewing. anger, maybe. how dare you draw him into your lies?- ..they make the audience believe the unbelievable. -eyes sweep his face- ..it's not your fault for being human. -he shrugs a little, confident in this statement-
JJ Hero of Korea: i care about him... as a friend. but... how could he say he wanted me, wanted to be with me, and all that... if he was still messing around with other people? ~sounds more like his normal self now~ i dont understand.
the K R N mouse: ...because getting what he wants is a game. once he got it.. -frowns, a shadow passing
through- ..your... turn was over. -it hurt to explain.. the words he had to use. but it was an exploitation for kim, not jae-
JJ Hero of Korea: is it really though? i dont think he's done. i think he just wants too much and... i think... i feel like an object to him. and i think... i dont want any part... of that... anymore. :/
the K R N mouse: so.. -tilts his head at him- ..don't be. he can't make you stay... he's already proved his reputation, jae. let him find someone to cater to his own damn needs.. you can't always be a toy. -go, anger go!-
JJ Hero of Korea: but... i started to actually... care about him... as a friend. recently. i promised some part of him that id be there for him.... ~sounds a bit rueful :/~ the part... that's afraid like i am sometimes... ~suddenly his phone rang. pulling it out of his pocket, he glanced at the caller ID.~ speak of the devil :/ ~leans against Micky and answers the call~
~picks up~ hello..
Hey...
Hi.... what's up?
Uhm...not much. I was...I promised to see you today?
Oh... yeah. Hmmm... ~a pause~ You could come by here... ~merely a suggestion~
I could. I didn't really have anything in mind.
Okay then... when?
I don't know. I could come over now, if it's okay? I don't really have any plans for the rest of the evening, so..whenever.
Mm... one sec. ~covers mouthpiece~
JJ Hero of Korea: ~raises an eyebrow at micky, a number of questions in his eyes~
the K R N mouse: -raises an eyebrow, as he looks at Jae a minute- ...I'm not promising anything. >>
JJ Hero of Korea: Micky! >< ~he hissed quietly~ i just... he promised to see me today. it feels... safer having him come here... err... safer for me. ^^
the K R N mouse: -thinks on this- ...yeah. -eyes narrow a little bit, at the thought of... him- ..I'm putting Fuzzy by the door. >>
JJ Hero of Korea: ~cracks up like whoa XDDDDDD~ okayokay. would you... stick around? >>;;;
the K R N mouse: somehow, I don't think that's the idea he had.. -snort- ...but if you want me to, I will. -nod- ..ishestillonhold? XD;
JJ Hero of Korea: that's... exactly why i want you to stick around :/ and yes. ^^;
the K R N mouse: yeah, fine.. I'll be here. >.o;
JJ Hero of Korea: thank you ^^ ~leans on micky's shoulder again, resuming the conversation~
Yeah... hey... now is fine. If you'd like.
Okay! Same place you were at before?
Yep. See you then
Okay. I'll be there soon. ~hangs up~
JJ Hero of Korea: So... <<; this should be interesting ^^;
the K R N mouse: ohyeah.. a barrel of monkeys. >> -can't help but grin just a little-
JJ Hero of Korea: XD ahaha... well... he doesn't know... about us.. so >>; it should be.. okay? ^^;;;
the K R N mouse: not if i-- yes. >> -grin-
JJ Hero of Korea: would it be cruel of me to say you can do whatever you want >_>;;;
the K R N mouse: -eyebrows perk up- 8O ..well. >> nope.
JJ Hero of Korea: <<; well then.... do whatever? ^^
the K R N mouse: someone has a risky streak in them today. -pets head- >D
JJ Hero of Korea: >/ its your fault >> ~nudges him with his elbow as he moves into the touch like a kitten~
guru guru ruu: ~pulls up to the house in a red Ferrari after only a few minutes, electing to drive rather than walk. Parking the car on the street, he got out and walked up to the front door, knocking softly~
the K R N mouse: nuh uhh~ you-- ..oh, wonderful.. our company's arrived, jae! >> -sarcasm, says it loud enough so the knocker can't hear-
JJ Hero of Korea: >> i'd say 'be nice' but... that's not exactly the plan. >> should i get the door or would you like to? >D
the K R N mouse: oh no, please you do the honors. I'll just be sitting here.. mentally beating the shit out of our visitor. -beam-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~grins. an actually HAPPY grin and gets up to do so~ get fuzzy << ~gets door~
the K R N mouse: -meaannnders on upstairs to go get Devil Spawn Fox-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~opens the door, dressed casually, teeshirt and some comfortable pants - lounging-around-the-house clothes~ Hey... ~offers Kim a smile~
the K R N mouse: -after having retrieved Fuzzy and simultaneously trying to keep his fingers from becoming multiple chew toys, Micky wanders down from upstairs, eyes acknowledging the visitor at the door-
guru guru ruu: ~smiles back at Jae, wearing his usual hooded coat, unbuttoned and the hood down, jeans and a black tshirt underneath.~ Hey, Jae. ~gives Micky a familiar wave~
JJ Hero of Korea: Come in.. ~the same genial smile, as he ushered Kim inside and shut the door behind him, leading the way to the living room~
the K R N mouse: -nods a greeting, a little more curt than what would be considered normal, and jumps down the remaining steps, tending to the furball in his arms a moment before walking himself into the living room also-
guru guru ruu: ~just looks a bit..confused, but shrugs it off, following the other two into the living room. ~ Is that your fox? Jay has one too. Essai's really cute. ~talking, talking, as usual.~
the K R N mouse: ...Yeah. Except this one's a little bitch. -eyes flicker down at Fuzzy, before returning quickly to the speaker- ..and she kind of lets you know it, too. -strokes the top of her head, nonetheless-
JJ Hero of Korea: Yeah...that's our fox >> She's the exact opposite of Essai though ~grins~
JJ Hero of Korea: So hey ^^ want something to drink... or anything? ~considerate hostess-mode!Jae~
guru guru ruu: ~laughs a bit~ Essai has her moments, too. She usually chews on my fingers like crazy. And...uhm. No thanks, I'm not really thirsty.
JJ Hero of Korea: This one bites them right off <<; And okay. ^^; I am though >>; i'll be right back...want anything, Micky? ~goestokitchentogetadrink:D~
guru guru ruu: ~laughs~ Sounds like my sister, actually.
the K R N mouse: Nah, I'm good.. thanks. -watches him go, before putting Fuzzy on top of the couch, as she's clawingthehell out of his arms- >>
guru guru ruu: Uhmm...so. ~eyes the couch warily, since Fuzzy was apparently a little monster, but elects to sit down anyway~ What's up? Haven't seen you in awhile.
the K R N mouse: -sits up on the arm of the couch, watching the miniature beast slink her way to and fro- ...Yeah, things have been kind of up-and-down lately. -looks over at him- ..you?
guru guru ruu: Hmmm. Much the same. And a lot of back. and forth. I hope they don't shuttle you guys back and forth as much as they do us. ~leans back against the back of the couch, head tilting up to watch the demon-fox~
the K R N mouse: ...Heard about you going back and forth a lot. -nods and props up his legs to rest his arms on his knees- And, heh.. you'd be surprised. SM likes their little dolls.
guru guru ruu: Yeah...they like us too. Though...I don't think..they like us as much since we're in Japan. Yoshiki grants us...a lot of freedom. I heard you guys are going to China, too?
the K R N mouse: Yup, haven't heard Hug in Chinese yet? -raises an eyebrow- You'd probably like it... it sounds good at first, but then it just kind of gets.. -eyes flicker from watching Fuzzy to glance at Kim- ..I dunno. Old or something.
guru guru ruu: Actually, I haven't. We've...been rather busy lately. Both SM and Yoshiki are very...demanding of our time. I'm impressed, though, that you speak what..like four languages now? That takes a lot of work.
JJ Hero of Korea: I still suck at two of four. ~Jae piped in as he re-entered, a glass of orange juice in hand~ Uh. I spilled stuff. And my mom called. >>;;; sorry about that ^^; ~sits down next to Fuzzy~ <<;; ~between the other two boys~
the K R N mouse: -slips the glass out of Jae's hand to take a quick sip, then hands it back- Pft.. they're gonna love you in China. You sound just like their people. -grins faintly-
JJ Hero of Korea: I know << I meant I suck at English and Japanese >_O ~grin~
guru guru ruu: ~just kind of sits there~ I can help you guys with Japanese. Since we've been here awhile, I've gotten pretty decent at it. Well, the important stuff. Oh! I should have brought my books over.
JJ Hero of Korea: The ones with the useless phrases? ~grin~
the K R N mouse: That sounds about right. -looks over at Kim imploringly- ..Got any at the top of your head? We're quick learners. -straightens up-
guru guru ruu: Hmmm. Well, I find one of the more useful phrases with some of the people I met is 'No, I'm not going to eat your dog, despite what you heard.' Which is...'No, I will not eat your dog'. Japanese people seem to..have a problem with that, or something.
the K R N mouse: Okay, Jae.. repeat it. -griiiin and pats his head, as he so only picked up about half of those syllables-
JJ Hero of Korea: mmk. ~does so, and it sounds good, though chances he retains it are: 0.~ :D chances are i'll mix up one of the words and it'll end up saying "Now I will eat your dog" ~deadpan~ :|
guru guru ruu: ~laughs a bit~ I don't think they'd care, Jae. Actually, you should say that...to this one guy. Lead singer of Kagerou. He apparently has a problem with Koreans.
JJ Hero of Korea: :| I'd say more than that to him, then.
the K R N mouse: -raises an eyebrow- How many Koreans has he exactly met? ..maybe it's the ones he's actually gotten to know. -scoops up Fuzzy, for she is 3.5 seconds close to falling straight off the couch-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~reaches up to idly pet the freakfox in Micky's arms~ >.> yeah. Maybe. :x
guru guru ruu: Uhm...well, he's friends with Rose. I think...he knows Kang, too. But. Right. That probably explains it right there. ~laughs again~ I met him once, too, but I don't really know him, and he wasn't actually..like mean to me.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~GRINS~ Uhhuh. That might just explain it.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~sips his juice too, cuz yeah. he has juice. >>~
the K R N mouse: -drops Fuzzy in Jae's lap and turns his attention to Kim- ..well, remind me never to meet Kagerou's lead singer then.
JJ Hero of Korea: :O ~is going to end up with juice all over himself if the fox so much as acts up a LITTLE. OO;~ hi Fuzzy >>; ~pets~ Hmm. So. Have a good time the other night? ^.^
guru guru ruu: Hmmm. I did. Surprisingly, actually. I expected to be bored to tears, but Olivia ended up being..quite amusing. She plays guitar, too. ^.^
JJ Hero of Korea: Multi-talented girl ~nod~ ^.^ ~drinks. juice.~
the K R N mouse: ..Ooh, someone just lit up. -grins ever-so-fleetingly- ....Who's Olivia?
JJ Hero of Korea: ~looks at Kim expectantly, with similar curiosity~
guru guru ruu: Hmm? She's a musician? I agreed to be her date at this benefit thing we went to, because hers had to reschedule. I was doing it to be nice. But she turned out to be really nice to talk to.
the K R N mouse: Well.. you're a free man, right? -pauses casually, looking interested- ..might want to catch her before it's. too late. It's not everyday you find female guitarists..
JJ Hero of Korea: ~calmly says nooooothing, glass to his lips and a neutral gaze~
guru guru ruu: ~shrugs~ No, she's just a friend. We share the same interests, that's all. She's fun to talk to, and fun to hang around with...but I don't think she's into things like...dating. She's a very free spirit.
JJ Hero of Korea: You have that in common... ~mild, nuance-free remark~
the K R N mouse: -automatic fix to Jae before feigning a 'oh, hm.. that's news to me' look at the statement-
guru guru ruu: ~sits up, slightly curling in on himself, feeling oddly..uncomfortable~ I don't know. I don't think I'm really that free at all.
JJ Hero of Korea: That's... too bad :/
the K R N mouse: So I guess all those rumors are false, huh? -starrree-
guru guru ruu: ~turns his head to starrre back~ What rumors, Micky? Please, share. I'll be honest. But keep in mind, I'm trying to change.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~dutiful EYEBROW QUIRK. at . the wall. and things.~ ô.o
JJ Hero of Korea: ~sip.~
the K R N mouse: -shrugs briefly- Eh, I dunno... like.. -scratches his head, giving the expression that he has to dig real DEEP for this information- ..oh, uh, hear that one about you and Jae? -doesn't. drop. his. eyes- Crazy stuff.
guru guru ruu: ~coughs, quite suddenly, almost choking, hand going to cover his mouth, looking away suddenly, feeling...trapped~ What about...me and..Jae?
JJ Hero of Korea: ~blinks.~
the K R N mouse: You haven't heard it?.. -crosses his arms against his chest, thinking- Whoa, sorry to be telling you then. :O It was kind of all about how you and him had a, uh, thing.. and something about you double-timing him? -shrug- ..But, hey, don't ask me. I really have no idea.
JJ Hero of Korea: I heard that one too. ~quiet~
the K R N mouse: Yeah, dude, how'd you miss that Kim? -straight gaze in his direction-
guru guru ruu: ~arms wrap around himself, and he scoots as far to the end of the couch as possible, giving Jae a somewhat..hurt? look~ I...~quiet~ No..I haven't. I've..been out of the loop all...weekend. I suppose...this is a new rumor, isn't it?
JJ Hero of Korea: Pretty new. ~nod, with an intense, yet unreadable, steadying glance at Kim~
the K R N mouse: So.. is it true? -ignores the recoil into the couch, his eyes were brighter now.. and just talking about the issue again was getting him steadily.. angry-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~looks to Kim with... pleading? eyes.~
guru guru ruu: I...I can understand...why it might...seem that way. ~looks up at Jae, and feels his..heart just sort of...snap in two.~ I...I'm sorry, Jae. I'm....really...really sorry. I...didn't intend it to be like that. I...I don't know. I...I guess I misunderstood. ~feels...really weird, talking with Micky there.~
JJ Hero of Korea: ~just. looks at him. absorbing. listening. watching. a vision of unaffected composure~ No... I did.
the K R N mouse: -doesn't really care if he shouldn't be present at the moment, because now his eyes were latched onto Kim and it was taking just about all his strength to keep himself planted where he was-
guru guru ruu: No, Jae.I did. ~looks...completely and utterly miserable, scooting closer to the edge of the couch, in case he decides to run, suddenly.~ I...I wouldn't...have...if. I thought...you...cared. If...I did.
the K R N mouse: 'If I thought you cared'..? -he blinks incredulously at Kim, eyes narrowed at his form- The last time I checked, you don't give-- -stops to reach over and lifts up the necklace around Jae's neck-this to someone you wouldn't think cared. -lets it go- He's been wearing the thing non. stop. Does that sound like someone who doesn't give a flying fuck?
guru guru ruu: ~just stays on the couch, doubling over, and...trembling. Hiding his face because he had actually...stared crying, quite fitfully. Mortified. His feet wanted to run, but his body lacked the will to move~ I'm....I can't...even. say it..Jae....
JJ Hero of Korea: You've said... a lot of things. That don't match up with what you /do/. ~Jae said quietly, one half of him torn at the display, the other... not. He curled in on himself, wanting to comfort but knowing ... not this time.
guru guru ruu: ~he deserved this, and he knew, and would have rejected any comfort. He deserved to..suffer, for what he had done. ~ I've...made so many mistakes. I'm...sorry for...even...pulling you into this. You...deserve much...better than me.
the K R N mouse: -if Jae reflected a calm demeanor, at this moment.. Micky was a little bit more of the opposite- You got what you wanted, right? You wanted a toy, you got it. But not all toys will hold up when you throw them away. -stands up, his nerves no longer allowing him to sit- Look before you leap, Kim.. Pinocchio was a real goddamn boy. -stares at him, stone cold.. such an opposite from his daily persona-
guru guru ruu: ~huffhuff to regain composure, and Kim raised his head up to stare at Micky, hands wiping the tears away quickly~ I never wanted a toy. Not from him. I never meant to throw him away. I....would...never do that to him. But I'm...very far from perfect. ~and he stood.~ I know I messed up. I'm...really sorry. I am. I just...I should. Go.
the K R N mouse: Tell that to Olivia when you screw up with her. -stares daggers at him. hotdamn, he's pissed. roar-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~cringing, he spoke at the same time as Micky~ Kim... maybe... you should go. ~a hand reached for Micky's forearm to keep him from doing anything >> irrational. hopefully.~ I hope you can start doing what you mean to do... someday. I know --
guru guru ruu: We're JUST FRIENDS. ~and yes, by this point, he was yelling~ I'm not going to date her. I'm not going to screw up with her. I'm not going to screw up with..ANYONE. ~right in Micky's face~ Goodbye..Jae. ~turns and stalks out of the living room, to the front door --
JJ Hero of Korea: ~quickly rises and follows~ --I was unclear in what I said... but you... were very clear... in what you said. And... it doesn't add up.
guru guru ruu: --pausing for a moment, before he walked out, slamming the door behind him~
JJ Hero of Korea: Shit. ~a curse, rare. he looks at Micky~ Uhh. I think we got the idea across... but... he's going to go get himself killed if he drives that thing now... ~gives him a look, hoping he understands before running out the door after Kim~
the K R N mouse: God! -clenches his fists a few times, knowing his ass should be CONCERNED at least.. and follows, less enthusiastically, after Jae-
guru guru ruu: ~he'd actually made it the car parked out in the street, a beautiful red Ferarri, and was shut up inside, the car actually even started, as he'd managed to find his keys. But he hadn't gone anywhere, was just laying across the wheel, not moving, hands gripping it~
JJ Hero of Korea: ~follows, running out to the car, one hand pressed to the glass, the other knocking on it. he wore concern openly on his features~
guru guru ruu: ~just stays head-pressed-to-wheel at first, finally looking up, one hand wiping at new tears, staring for several moments at Jae, as if he just..didn't comprehend. Lips moved, as if he were saying something, and then he finally rolled down the window, speaking, breath hitching at almost every work~ I...I can't get it out..of park. I'm...trying. To go. I can't...get the car to move.
JJ Hero of Korea: No... you're not going anywhere. ~firm tone, yet concerned~ You told me yourself you're not so experienced at driving this thing, and how fast it can go. ~he leaned on the window frame, a hand sweeping Kim's hair out of his face~ You're crying. What're the chances you'll get home in one piece? Even the smallest margin isn't worth it. Wait. ~pauses, thinking~ Can I come sit? ~he gestures to the passenger side~
guru guru ruu: ~he sniffled softly, wiping at his eyes, which were still leaking, but trying desperatel to hide the fact that he was crying, even if Jae had..already seen.~ I...I need. to go. Before...I....fuck everything..up again. ~head back against the steering wheel, though his fingers left it, one hand clicking the button that unlocked the doors.~
the K R N mouse: -like hell, he was going near the car. yeah, he felt a little guilty. in fact, maybe a little more than that.. but who's to say he wouldn't flare up again at this sight of him. one hand still trembled lightly from anger just moments before and with one, last concerned glance at Jae, he started back into the house-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~he slipped inside, a hand falling on Kim's shoulder soothingly~ That's called running away. Don't do it. You can drive away and never look back but it won't change what happened... wont fix this. You can't mess anything up here so... dont run... please. ~his hand stroked Kim's hair lightly~
guru guru ruu: ~first instinct was to just turn away, to deny touch, but it was Jae and he couldn't...do that, so he opted to just stay still, staring at the windshield, silently letting tears just run down his face.~ I'm...Jae. I'm just...a...a...horrid person. Just..let me go. I don't want to hurt you again. Ever. And...I don't...think. I can stay, and..do that. I just...I don't. know what's wrong with me.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~remembering the conversation from several nights ago, he gently stroked kim's hair, moving closer~ Jung... you're not a horrible person. You just need to learn to make what you do and say /match/. Have some faith. But not in me ... because, I couldn't ever really be whatever it is you wanted. But don't do the same thing to someone else... please. And I told you, I wanted to know the inside. That i'm there for you. I still am. Just not the way you mightve wanted. Not the way you said you wanted. I'm sorry... I confused you... I was willing to try... I'd begun to... but I really am sorry. ~ fingertips come to rest on Kim's cheek~
guru guru ruu: ~just keeps staring forward, hands resting neutrally on his legs, unmoving~ I just...I wanted you to want me. I..I wanted someone. To want me. And. ~breath hitch~ I was wrong. Did you stop because of what you heard, Jae? Is that why you stopped trying?
JJ Hero of Korea: I wasn't trying to teach myself to want you, Jung. You can't make someone want you. No matter how hard you wish it. You just have to wait. What I was willing to try was to believe what you told me... that you wanted me, that you would do whatever it took to be with me. Then I heard that... and I realized... especially after Rose... that it would never work. You're looking for something you can't -find-, neh... it has to find YOU.
guru guru ruu: ~just slumps back into the seat, shifting until his feet are resting on the edge, hands still on the wheel now between his knees~ I know I can't force you to want me. If..you don't, you..just don't. And..I did mean..what I said. I'm...Jae...I was...I needed...to get out. Friday. So...it..was horrible. I was...drowning. I couldn't...break, and...she was there, and...I forgot, for a moment, that...I even felt that way. And we went to the ocean, and swam. The water...was so cold. But...it was good. I wanted.,..it to be you, but...you're right. I'm just. I'm really stupid. Jae. I did the same thing to Rose, with you. I misunderstood, and...I fucked everything up. I'm just...a selfish asshole.
JJ Hero of Korea: No, you're just forgetful ^^; ~still lightly stroking his hair, fingertips gliding down his cheek, tear-streaked~ very... forgetful... ~leans the side of his head against the headrest, eyes on Kim~ it doesn't really matter afterward... who you wanted it to be... you know. even if i understood... and I do... it still makes it impossible to believe what you'd said...
guru guru ruu: ~just nods, having actually stopped crying, but only because the tears had run their course~ I deserve it. I lie so much, Jae. I try to say what...I think people want to here, and...I mean it, but...it's all just...a lie. But I really did want to keep you warm, and...I really did want to love you. I'm...just not...very good at it. I failed you...and it's worse, because...I missed two shows, in Korea. I'm...so dead when I go back. I don't want to go back.
JJ Hero of Korea: You have to... it's the same thing again... you don't think before you do anything, do you. ~sighs and sort of hugs him. a loose sideways embrace, a hand draped across his shoulders~ You should stop trying so hard... really. If it's meant to be it will be... you can't make yourself love, nor can you make anyone else love you. ~pause~ You know if you just stopped sleeping around you'd have no problem ^^;;; ~a touch of dry humor in his voice, as he delivered the rather blunt truth~
guru guru ruu: It's..not that I didn't want to go. I just...I overslept, Saturday. I didn't...wake up, until...in the afternoon. And...I don't know what happened this morning. I just didn't...go. ~just lets Jae embrace him, still not moving, still staring straight ahead~ I..I did think of that. I was..supposed to like, I promised myself...I would be celibate until March, but...you...you know. You're...hard to say no to.
JJ Hero of Korea: And Olivia was hard to say no to. ~he amended in a mild tone~...Why bother with celibacy? Just don't attach all the /strings/. If you'd never said all those things about doing whatever it took to be with me... I wouldn't have had anything to be disappointed about right now.
guru guru ruu: I'm...sorry, Jae. I just...I don't know. I don't know what I even really..mean anymore. Maybe I was just really...lonely. I think...maybe I was. I told you..I lie, a lot. And...it's not that..I don't mean it, it's just...I don't know. You're right. I keep looking for something that's not there. I keep..trying to fill my loneliness with,...anything that I think will work. And..it doesn't. It just keeps getting...worse.
JJ Hero of Korea: Sex isn't going to cure loneliness. ~mildly amused~ Neither will uncertain promises of love. Or any of that. You can have friendships that will keep you warmer than any relationship.... I'm still willing to help... erase the loneliness... I want to... but not /that/ way.... :/
guru guru ruu: ~reaches up one of his hands to grab the hand Jae has around his shoulder, holding it.~ It all just ends in friendship, anyway. I think...maybe it's better that way. I never...really had friends. I mean..all those people, like. They didn't really know me. I'm..glad your willing to...stick with me, even after what i did to you. I still want to teach you how to drive, and how to play guitar, and...how to say 'I'm not a communist, I'm from South Korea, dumbass' in Japanese.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~chuckles softly, clasping Kim's hand, ~ I still want you to do all that, too. Friendship is ten times better at relieving loneliness than sex or romance. ~snuggles up to him a little bit~ I really want you to teach me how to say that by the way... I've had to say it before and it didn't work in Korean ^^;
guru guru ruu: ~sort of relaxes, leaning back against Jae, one foot sliding off the edge of the car seat to rest on the floor again~ Usually I just flip them off. But let's see. It's ~speaks very slowly~ I am not a communist. I am from South Korea, dumbass. Well, unless you're actually speaking to someone who's older, than you leave off the dumbass part, because Atsushi'd probably ruin your entire career if you called him a dumbass.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~repeats it...leaving off the insult, as the chances were he'd forget what it meant and say the whole thing by accident. he laughs slightly, resting his head against Kim's, silent for a moment~ Promise that you'll teach me guitar, and how to drive? Or... if not both, then at least one of the two?
guru guru ruu: You'll be here in June. I'm sure we can find time to do both. ~half smiles, fingers working their way between Jae's, as he just lets out a sigh~ Actually, the best phrase is 'wakarimasen' which means 'I don't understand'. Even if you do understand what they're saying, it can save you if you just don't want to reply. And..I asked Yoshiki, about taking us all to LA...I think he will, if SM will allow it. Do you think your group would want to go with us? As long as Micky doesn't try to kill me, or anything.
JJ Hero of Korea: Ah... ^^; it's a nice idea... but I don't know if it'd work. :/ We can't afford to take time off. ~ever the conscientious diligent singer~ And I already knew that one. ~smiles~ And I can't speak for Micky, but I can keep him from actually succeeding if he does try ^^;
guru guru ruu: Just a few daysssss. It'd be fun. Though..I don't know..Yoshiki may not be allowed to take us out of the country, after what happened with Rose. He got bitched out as much as we did. ~sighs~ I'm surprised they haven't pulled us back to Korea for long-term detention. But...we'll see. And that's a good phrase to know. Also, my Japanese is poor. Which is..my Japanese is poor, or not so good. It's useful, especially for me, since I say all sorts of crap that gets me yelled at.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~giggles softly~ Yeah... well.. you guys are doing too well here... ~shrugs slightly~ SM is more interested in success than in teaching you all a lesson. I wouldn't personally cross them /again/ though... to find out what they'll do ^^; but... that's just me. ~a thoughtful pause~ So... can you make me one more promise?
guru guru ruu: I'll do my best, Jae. Which isn't always so great, but yes. I'll make you another promise.
JJ Hero of Korea: That's better. Before you would've said 'Anything' ^^; but this one you have to keep. Promise me you'll get home in one piece? And the car too? And... that you'll remember what Ive said? I know that's three but... >>;
guru guru ruu: ~just kind of laughs a little, hugging Jae with his other arm, nodding~ I promise. I won't wreck the car, or myself. And...I'll remember. I think you're a wonderful friend, and a wonderful person. I just got confused. I do that a lot.
JJ Hero of Korea: And I'm not really much help when I'm confused too...~hugs back~ I should get back inside... before Micky saves up a glare with /my/ name on it... but... don't worry about me... and this... okay? Just... remember it. ~presses his lips softly to Kim's cheek~ I gotta get back... drive safe.
guru guru ruu: ~squeezes Jae slightly, before letting him go, nodding~ Okay. And I will. Have a good night, Jae.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~slips out of the car and with a parting wave, heads back to the house~
guru guru ruu: ~waits until Jae is actually inside, before driving off~
[[ /private ]]
| SUNDAY |
Practice in the morning. There was something weighing me down. Guilt? A decision? I owed him an explanation. And aside from that, I needed to talk to someone. TT_TT I'm such a girl sometimes, it's annoying. And then Kim called. And things... went from there :X Why do I stay calm in situations where there's reason to panic, and panic when ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WEIRD IS GOING ON? TT_TT
My mom called me and I spilled orange juice ._.; Reasserting that I possess no bodily grace whatsoever. Seriously, how many times have I tripped on that last move in the HUG choregraphy?
You'd think, though, that a person could pour orange juice and talk on the phone at the same time.
Guess not. ^^;;;
Today had a lot of hard lessons and equally difficult confessions. Here's hoping he doesn't think I'm a psycho ^^;;;;;;;;
the K R N mouse: -lounges on the living room couch, eyes watching the flashing TV in front of him, now that they've gotten a moment's rest from early morning practice-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~comes in and drops to the couch beside Micky, without a word, and rests his head lightly on his shoulder, eyes blindly watching the television screen~
the K R N mouse: -sits in the same quiet posture for a minute, before placing a hand gently on the back of Jae's neck- ..tired?
JJ Hero of Korea: ~shakes his head lightly~ no... just... thinking. ^^
the K R N mouse: yeah? -glances over at him a minute- ..about what? -the tv flashed pictures of japanese celebrities he really couldn't identify-
JJ Hero of Korea: un...just... stuff.. ~sighs quietly, fingering the chain around his neck - somehow it felt as though it were choking him~
the K R N mouse: it sounds like more than just 'stuff'.. -doesn't want to press the situation, but can't help but feel curious- mm? -plays very lightly with the back of his hair-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~makes up his mind to actually go through with what he'd been debating - to talk to micky about it - it wasnt fair to keep him in the dark when he picked up the pieces with such care~ Kim... he... um... ~unsure how to explain, he trails off~
the K R N mouse: -the television was merely background noise now. or light. he glances at jae, waiting patiently for him to continue-
JJ Hero of Korea: its kind of... a long story... :/ you... really want to know? ~his gaze drops~
the K R N mouse: i do.. -tilts his head a little- but only if you want to tell me.
JJ Hero of Korea: i should tell you... especially after.. the other night. that was.. stupid. of me. ~presses the heel of a palm to his eye and rubs at it slightly, blinking afterward~
the K R N mouse: nn.. -pauses, saying nothing for a moment, speculating on the other night's events- i'm sure you had reason for it. -looks at him-
JJ Hero of Korea: i... got scared. it's.. silly. irrational. fear... paralyzes me. ~cringes, annoyed with his own weakness. and having to admit it after~
the K R N mouse: -shifts slightly, trying his best to keep the concern out of his face.. but he couldn't help but feel it creep up a little bit- ..what are you scared of?
JJ Hero of Korea: i'm.. not sure. it just... its like this sudden feeling like everything's not like it seems... like.. i had no control over anything. it would all.. fall away...and... you. would.. too. ~his gaze remained downcast~
the K R N mouse: a life of turning around.. to check on the truth ..doesn't suit you. -follows his line of gaze- don't hold yourself just above the surface, jae.. -frowns lightly, eyes quietly flickering up to rest on him- nothing should keep you from breathing. -pauses- ..besides. -shakes his head concretely- i'm not going anywhere.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~nodding slightly, he sighed~ i know... it just... got away from me. that night. its happened... several times... recently. a little different every time... but.. the same. that day -- ~he paused, breath halting a moment~ when you and I.... it was... another.. variation... i get .. away from myself... ~a hard thing to confess, yet he felt it necessary~
the K R N mouse: -nods, glancing falling a moment, only to return- ..that explains the trembling. -states carefully, leaning more towards the direction of an inquiry. to further this explanation-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~a pause, then a quick nod. even today, he wasn't wholly stable, and thus instinctively moved a little closer~ yeah...and... ~he remembered to inhale~.it was... the first... time... ~his eyes closed -- something about this felt humiliating, yet redeeming all at once~
the K R N mouse: -looks down at him, registering the previously unspoken information- ..do I scare you?
JJ Hero of Korea: ~the question knocked the air out of him as he fumbled for a response~ n-no...~/yes/ uncertainly filling his tone~ no. imean... ~/yes/ he shut his eyes tightly, hiding his face against micky's shoulder, his voice barely a whisper~ y..yes...~a wash of shame overcame him~ a little...
the K R N mouse: -there is a sudden feeling of free-falling accompanied with that answer. or sadness.. just a bit. it mingled. for a minute, he tended not to the answer but to Jae beside him.. stroking his hair lightly in the silence- ..okay.
JJ Hero of Korea: its... its my fault... i... get scared... when im confused... or when... i need .. something. ~his voice drops to a whisper again~ or someone. ~a pause~ or when... things are... out of my control... its not... your fault..
the K R N mouse: -he wasn't mad. not dissapointed. none of it. he felt helpless, maybe.. a factor in something he was desperately trying to understand- ..are you scared.. -sighs just a little, trying to sort out his own mind- ..because you need me? -voice is soft.. and at this moment, he can't exactly tell if he's headed in the right direction-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~a timorous nod~ i..i'm not used... to needing... ~a shaky sigh~ anything. when we... didnt talk... for those two weeks... was when i realized... .. hard to admit... ..dont understand... ~fragmented phrases were all he could manage, as the facts were pretty unclear in his own head~
the K R N mouse: ..I can't make you believe that I won't hurt you.. -eyes downcast, thoughtful, before simply settling on him for a moment. he sits up slowly, retrieving something from his back pocket. a lighter. he holds it out between them, igniting a flame- ..but sometimes... -he covers the flame with his hand, the light flickering under his grasp and against his skin- ..the fear... is just the mind.. -he releases it, letting it burn, before flicking it off. he places the lighter in jae's hand-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~a single sob, something of a relieved laugh, escapes from Jae's throat as he closes his hand around it, feeling the tingling burn of the metal where the flame had been just moments prior. his arms circle micky's shoulders immediately, face pressed to his neck~ thankyou... ~his voice was steadier, smoother. he wasn't shaking. he could breathe. his pulse was calming.~
the K R N mouse: -his own arms slip in an embrace around Jae's waist to hold him there a minute, a smile just faintly painting his lips.. almost evanescent. here, he could feel.. there was an absence of trembling- ...you're welcome..
JJ Hero of Korea: ~he rested in micky's arms a moment, soaking in the assurance there, calmly, in the way he did every night now. he didnt even care, if any of the others saw them now~ i never did explain what Kim has to do with anything... ~the quietest wry laughter caught in his throat~ id still like to... since you should know...
the K R N mouse: okay.. -a slow, affirmative nod as arms still circled loosely around him - something becoming more and more familiar. though it didn't make it any less warm, only.. warmer. he was quiet to listen, absorbing the atmosphere-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~somehow, in his head, Kim was two different people now. the outside. and the inside. it was the outside that he felt at ease to speak about~ he... wanted me. i... wasn't really thinking straight... i let him... i needed someone to hold onto after... we... and there was no one... i couldn't go to you, or the others... and Kim seemed to genuinely like me.....
the K R N mouse: -this, he understood. whether it be from the more he learned, or not.. the sentence could be left unfinished. he'd already filled it in. the words still stung, for whatever reason.. maybe even not for him, though the feeling would quickly subside- ..you talk about him in past tense. -notes slowly- ..what now?
JJ Hero of Korea: i dont know why... i thought it would be different. he's... a player. everyone knows that. i knew that. he was involved with Minwoo... i found out after. but he still told me he wanted to be with me... that he'd do whatever it took... he did nice things for me... gave me this... ~he tugged at the necklace~ i was convinced, if not moved. but then... i think he was with someone else the other night... it just.. made me realize how foolish i was. we had... i thought we had... an arrangement. an agreement of some kind... i feel... so stupid.
the K R N mouse: that's why actors get so much money, jae.. -says gently, with a pause. there was a feeling brewing.. deeper than the deepest, but still brewing. anger, maybe. how dare you draw him into your lies?- ..they make the audience believe the unbelievable. -eyes sweep his face- ..it's not your fault for being human. -he shrugs a little, confident in this statement-
JJ Hero of Korea: i care about him... as a friend. but... how could he say he wanted me, wanted to be with me, and all that... if he was still messing around with other people? ~sounds more like his normal self now~ i dont understand.
the K R N mouse: ...because getting what he wants is a game. once he got it.. -frowns, a shadow passing
through- ..your... turn was over. -it hurt to explain.. the words he had to use. but it was an exploitation for kim, not jae-
JJ Hero of Korea: is it really though? i dont think he's done. i think he just wants too much and... i think... i feel like an object to him. and i think... i dont want any part... of that... anymore. :/
the K R N mouse: so.. -tilts his head at him- ..don't be. he can't make you stay... he's already proved his reputation, jae. let him find someone to cater to his own damn needs.. you can't always be a toy. -go, anger go!-
JJ Hero of Korea: but... i started to actually... care about him... as a friend. recently. i promised some part of him that id be there for him.... ~sounds a bit rueful :/~ the part... that's afraid like i am sometimes... ~suddenly his phone rang. pulling it out of his pocket, he glanced at the caller ID.~ speak of the devil :/ ~leans against Micky and answers the call~
~picks up~ hello..
Hey...
Hi.... what's up?
Uhm...not much. I was...I promised to see you today?
Oh... yeah. Hmmm... ~a pause~ You could come by here... ~merely a suggestion~
I could. I didn't really have anything in mind.
Okay then... when?
I don't know. I could come over now, if it's okay? I don't really have any plans for the rest of the evening, so..whenever.
Mm... one sec. ~covers mouthpiece~
JJ Hero of Korea: ~raises an eyebrow at micky, a number of questions in his eyes~
the K R N mouse: -raises an eyebrow, as he looks at Jae a minute- ...I'm not promising anything. >>
JJ Hero of Korea: Micky! >< ~he hissed quietly~ i just... he promised to see me today. it feels... safer having him come here... err... safer for me. ^^
the K R N mouse: -thinks on this- ...yeah. -eyes narrow a little bit, at the thought of... him- ..I'm putting Fuzzy by the door. >>
JJ Hero of Korea: ~cracks up like whoa XDDDDDD~ okayokay. would you... stick around? >>;;;
the K R N mouse: somehow, I don't think that's the idea he had.. -snort- ...but if you want me to, I will. -nod- ..ishestillonhold? XD;
JJ Hero of Korea: that's... exactly why i want you to stick around :/ and yes. ^^;
the K R N mouse: yeah, fine.. I'll be here. >.o;
JJ Hero of Korea: thank you ^^ ~leans on micky's shoulder again, resuming the conversation~
Yeah... hey... now is fine. If you'd like.
Okay! Same place you were at before?
Yep. See you then
Okay. I'll be there soon. ~hangs up~
JJ Hero of Korea: So... <<; this should be interesting ^^;
the K R N mouse: ohyeah.. a barrel of monkeys. >> -can't help but grin just a little-
JJ Hero of Korea: XD ahaha... well... he doesn't know... about us.. so >>; it should be.. okay? ^^;;;
the K R N mouse: not if i-- yes. >> -grin-
JJ Hero of Korea: would it be cruel of me to say you can do whatever you want >_>;;;
the K R N mouse: -eyebrows perk up- 8O ..well. >> nope.
JJ Hero of Korea: <<; well then.... do whatever? ^^
the K R N mouse: someone has a risky streak in them today. -pets head- >D
JJ Hero of Korea: >/ its your fault >> ~nudges him with his elbow as he moves into the touch like a kitten~
guru guru ruu: ~pulls up to the house in a red Ferrari after only a few minutes, electing to drive rather than walk. Parking the car on the street, he got out and walked up to the front door, knocking softly~
the K R N mouse: nuh uhh~ you-- ..oh, wonderful.. our company's arrived, jae! >> -sarcasm, says it loud enough so the knocker can't hear-
JJ Hero of Korea: >> i'd say 'be nice' but... that's not exactly the plan. >> should i get the door or would you like to? >D
the K R N mouse: oh no, please you do the honors. I'll just be sitting here.. mentally beating the shit out of our visitor. -beam-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~grins. an actually HAPPY grin and gets up to do so~ get fuzzy << ~gets door~
the K R N mouse: -meaannnders on upstairs to go get Devil Spawn Fox-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~opens the door, dressed casually, teeshirt and some comfortable pants - lounging-around-the-house clothes~ Hey... ~offers Kim a smile~
the K R N mouse: -after having retrieved Fuzzy and simultaneously trying to keep his fingers from becoming multiple chew toys, Micky wanders down from upstairs, eyes acknowledging the visitor at the door-
guru guru ruu: ~smiles back at Jae, wearing his usual hooded coat, unbuttoned and the hood down, jeans and a black tshirt underneath.~ Hey, Jae. ~gives Micky a familiar wave~
JJ Hero of Korea: Come in.. ~the same genial smile, as he ushered Kim inside and shut the door behind him, leading the way to the living room~
the K R N mouse: -nods a greeting, a little more curt than what would be considered normal, and jumps down the remaining steps, tending to the furball in his arms a moment before walking himself into the living room also-
guru guru ruu: ~just looks a bit..confused, but shrugs it off, following the other two into the living room. ~ Is that your fox? Jay has one too. Essai's really cute. ~talking, talking, as usual.~
the K R N mouse: ...Yeah. Except this one's a little bitch. -eyes flicker down at Fuzzy, before returning quickly to the speaker- ..and she kind of lets you know it, too. -strokes the top of her head, nonetheless-
JJ Hero of Korea: Yeah...that's our fox >> She's the exact opposite of Essai though ~grins~
JJ Hero of Korea: So hey ^^ want something to drink... or anything? ~considerate hostess-mode!Jae~
guru guru ruu: ~laughs a bit~ Essai has her moments, too. She usually chews on my fingers like crazy. And...uhm. No thanks, I'm not really thirsty.
JJ Hero of Korea: This one bites them right off <<; And okay. ^^; I am though >>; i'll be right back...want anything, Micky? ~goestokitchentogetadrink:D~
guru guru ruu: ~laughs~ Sounds like my sister, actually.
the K R N mouse: Nah, I'm good.. thanks. -watches him go, before putting Fuzzy on top of the couch, as she's clawingthehell out of his arms- >>
guru guru ruu: Uhmm...so. ~eyes the couch warily, since Fuzzy was apparently a little monster, but elects to sit down anyway~ What's up? Haven't seen you in awhile.
the K R N mouse: -sits up on the arm of the couch, watching the miniature beast slink her way to and fro- ...Yeah, things have been kind of up-and-down lately. -looks over at him- ..you?
guru guru ruu: Hmmm. Much the same. And a lot of back. and forth. I hope they don't shuttle you guys back and forth as much as they do us. ~leans back against the back of the couch, head tilting up to watch the demon-fox~
the K R N mouse: ...Heard about you going back and forth a lot. -nods and props up his legs to rest his arms on his knees- And, heh.. you'd be surprised. SM likes their little dolls.
guru guru ruu: Yeah...they like us too. Though...I don't think..they like us as much since we're in Japan. Yoshiki grants us...a lot of freedom. I heard you guys are going to China, too?
the K R N mouse: Yup, haven't heard Hug in Chinese yet? -raises an eyebrow- You'd probably like it... it sounds good at first, but then it just kind of gets.. -eyes flicker from watching Fuzzy to glance at Kim- ..I dunno. Old or something.
guru guru ruu: Actually, I haven't. We've...been rather busy lately. Both SM and Yoshiki are very...demanding of our time. I'm impressed, though, that you speak what..like four languages now? That takes a lot of work.
JJ Hero of Korea: I still suck at two of four. ~Jae piped in as he re-entered, a glass of orange juice in hand~ Uh. I spilled stuff. And my mom called. >>;;; sorry about that ^^; ~sits down next to Fuzzy~ <<;; ~between the other two boys~
the K R N mouse: -slips the glass out of Jae's hand to take a quick sip, then hands it back- Pft.. they're gonna love you in China. You sound just like their people. -grins faintly-
JJ Hero of Korea: I know << I meant I suck at English and Japanese >_O ~grin~
guru guru ruu: ~just kind of sits there~ I can help you guys with Japanese. Since we've been here awhile, I've gotten pretty decent at it. Well, the important stuff. Oh! I should have brought my books over.
JJ Hero of Korea: The ones with the useless phrases? ~grin~
the K R N mouse: That sounds about right. -looks over at Kim imploringly- ..Got any at the top of your head? We're quick learners. -straightens up-
guru guru ruu: Hmmm. Well, I find one of the more useful phrases with some of the people I met is 'No, I'm not going to eat your dog, despite what you heard.' Which is...'No, I will not eat your dog'. Japanese people seem to..have a problem with that, or something.
the K R N mouse: Okay, Jae.. repeat it. -griiiin and pats his head, as he so only picked up about half of those syllables-
JJ Hero of Korea: mmk. ~does so, and it sounds good, though chances he retains it are: 0.~ :D chances are i'll mix up one of the words and it'll end up saying "Now I will eat your dog" ~deadpan~ :|
guru guru ruu: ~laughs a bit~ I don't think they'd care, Jae. Actually, you should say that...to this one guy. Lead singer of Kagerou. He apparently has a problem with Koreans.
JJ Hero of Korea: :| I'd say more than that to him, then.
the K R N mouse: -raises an eyebrow- How many Koreans has he exactly met? ..maybe it's the ones he's actually gotten to know. -scoops up Fuzzy, for she is 3.5 seconds close to falling straight off the couch-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~reaches up to idly pet the freakfox in Micky's arms~ >.> yeah. Maybe. :x
guru guru ruu: Uhm...well, he's friends with Rose. I think...he knows Kang, too. But. Right. That probably explains it right there. ~laughs again~ I met him once, too, but I don't really know him, and he wasn't actually..like mean to me.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~GRINS~ Uhhuh. That might just explain it.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~sips his juice too, cuz yeah. he has juice. >>~
the K R N mouse: -drops Fuzzy in Jae's lap and turns his attention to Kim- ..well, remind me never to meet Kagerou's lead singer then.
JJ Hero of Korea: :O ~is going to end up with juice all over himself if the fox so much as acts up a LITTLE. OO;~ hi Fuzzy >>; ~pets~ Hmm. So. Have a good time the other night? ^.^
guru guru ruu: Hmmm. I did. Surprisingly, actually. I expected to be bored to tears, but Olivia ended up being..quite amusing. She plays guitar, too. ^.^
JJ Hero of Korea: Multi-talented girl ~nod~ ^.^ ~drinks. juice.~
the K R N mouse: ..Ooh, someone just lit up. -grins ever-so-fleetingly- ....Who's Olivia?
JJ Hero of Korea: ~looks at Kim expectantly, with similar curiosity~
guru guru ruu: Hmm? She's a musician? I agreed to be her date at this benefit thing we went to, because hers had to reschedule. I was doing it to be nice. But she turned out to be really nice to talk to.
the K R N mouse: Well.. you're a free man, right? -pauses casually, looking interested- ..might want to catch her before it's. too late. It's not everyday you find female guitarists..
JJ Hero of Korea: ~calmly says nooooothing, glass to his lips and a neutral gaze~
guru guru ruu: ~shrugs~ No, she's just a friend. We share the same interests, that's all. She's fun to talk to, and fun to hang around with...but I don't think she's into things like...dating. She's a very free spirit.
JJ Hero of Korea: You have that in common... ~mild, nuance-free remark~
the K R N mouse: -automatic fix to Jae before feigning a 'oh, hm.. that's news to me' look at the statement-
guru guru ruu: ~sits up, slightly curling in on himself, feeling oddly..uncomfortable~ I don't know. I don't think I'm really that free at all.
JJ Hero of Korea: That's... too bad :/
the K R N mouse: So I guess all those rumors are false, huh? -starrree-
guru guru ruu: ~turns his head to starrre back~ What rumors, Micky? Please, share. I'll be honest. But keep in mind, I'm trying to change.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~dutiful EYEBROW QUIRK. at . the wall. and things.~ ô.o
JJ Hero of Korea: ~sip.~
the K R N mouse: -shrugs briefly- Eh, I dunno... like.. -scratches his head, giving the expression that he has to dig real DEEP for this information- ..oh, uh, hear that one about you and Jae? -doesn't. drop. his. eyes- Crazy stuff.
guru guru ruu: ~coughs, quite suddenly, almost choking, hand going to cover his mouth, looking away suddenly, feeling...trapped~ What about...me and..Jae?
JJ Hero of Korea: ~blinks.~
the K R N mouse: You haven't heard it?.. -crosses his arms against his chest, thinking- Whoa, sorry to be telling you then. :O It was kind of all about how you and him had a, uh, thing.. and something about you double-timing him? -shrug- ..But, hey, don't ask me. I really have no idea.
JJ Hero of Korea: I heard that one too. ~quiet~
the K R N mouse: Yeah, dude, how'd you miss that Kim? -straight gaze in his direction-
guru guru ruu: ~arms wrap around himself, and he scoots as far to the end of the couch as possible, giving Jae a somewhat..hurt? look~ I...~quiet~ No..I haven't. I've..been out of the loop all...weekend. I suppose...this is a new rumor, isn't it?
JJ Hero of Korea: Pretty new. ~nod, with an intense, yet unreadable, steadying glance at Kim~
the K R N mouse: So.. is it true? -ignores the recoil into the couch, his eyes were brighter now.. and just talking about the issue again was getting him steadily.. angry-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~looks to Kim with... pleading? eyes.~
guru guru ruu: I...I can understand...why it might...seem that way. ~looks up at Jae, and feels his..heart just sort of...snap in two.~ I...I'm sorry, Jae. I'm....really...really sorry. I...didn't intend it to be like that. I...I don't know. I...I guess I misunderstood. ~feels...really weird, talking with Micky there.~
JJ Hero of Korea: ~just. looks at him. absorbing. listening. watching. a vision of unaffected composure~ No... I did.
the K R N mouse: -doesn't really care if he shouldn't be present at the moment, because now his eyes were latched onto Kim and it was taking just about all his strength to keep himself planted where he was-
guru guru ruu: No, Jae.I did. ~looks...completely and utterly miserable, scooting closer to the edge of the couch, in case he decides to run, suddenly.~ I...I wouldn't...have...if. I thought...you...cared. If...I did.
the K R N mouse: 'If I thought you cared'..? -he blinks incredulously at Kim, eyes narrowed at his form- The last time I checked, you don't give-- -stops to reach over and lifts up the necklace around Jae's neck-this to someone you wouldn't think cared. -lets it go- He's been wearing the thing non. stop. Does that sound like someone who doesn't give a flying fuck?
guru guru ruu: ~just stays on the couch, doubling over, and...trembling. Hiding his face because he had actually...stared crying, quite fitfully. Mortified. His feet wanted to run, but his body lacked the will to move~ I'm....I can't...even. say it..Jae....
JJ Hero of Korea: You've said... a lot of things. That don't match up with what you /do/. ~Jae said quietly, one half of him torn at the display, the other... not. He curled in on himself, wanting to comfort but knowing ... not this time.
guru guru ruu: ~he deserved this, and he knew, and would have rejected any comfort. He deserved to..suffer, for what he had done. ~ I've...made so many mistakes. I'm...sorry for...even...pulling you into this. You...deserve much...better than me.
the K R N mouse: -if Jae reflected a calm demeanor, at this moment.. Micky was a little bit more of the opposite- You got what you wanted, right? You wanted a toy, you got it. But not all toys will hold up when you throw them away. -stands up, his nerves no longer allowing him to sit- Look before you leap, Kim.. Pinocchio was a real goddamn boy. -stares at him, stone cold.. such an opposite from his daily persona-
guru guru ruu: ~huffhuff to regain composure, and Kim raised his head up to stare at Micky, hands wiping the tears away quickly~ I never wanted a toy. Not from him. I never meant to throw him away. I....would...never do that to him. But I'm...very far from perfect. ~and he stood.~ I know I messed up. I'm...really sorry. I am. I just...I should. Go.
the K R N mouse: Tell that to Olivia when you screw up with her. -stares daggers at him. hotdamn, he's pissed. roar-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~cringing, he spoke at the same time as Micky~ Kim... maybe... you should go. ~a hand reached for Micky's forearm to keep him from doing anything >> irrational. hopefully.~ I hope you can start doing what you mean to do... someday. I know --
guru guru ruu: We're JUST FRIENDS. ~and yes, by this point, he was yelling~ I'm not going to date her. I'm not going to screw up with her. I'm not going to screw up with..ANYONE. ~right in Micky's face~ Goodbye..Jae. ~turns and stalks out of the living room, to the front door --
JJ Hero of Korea: ~quickly rises and follows~ --I was unclear in what I said... but you... were very clear... in what you said. And... it doesn't add up.
guru guru ruu: --pausing for a moment, before he walked out, slamming the door behind him~
JJ Hero of Korea: Shit. ~a curse, rare. he looks at Micky~ Uhh. I think we got the idea across... but... he's going to go get himself killed if he drives that thing now... ~gives him a look, hoping he understands before running out the door after Kim~
the K R N mouse: God! -clenches his fists a few times, knowing his ass should be CONCERNED at least.. and follows, less enthusiastically, after Jae-
guru guru ruu: ~he'd actually made it the car parked out in the street, a beautiful red Ferarri, and was shut up inside, the car actually even started, as he'd managed to find his keys. But he hadn't gone anywhere, was just laying across the wheel, not moving, hands gripping it~
JJ Hero of Korea: ~follows, running out to the car, one hand pressed to the glass, the other knocking on it. he wore concern openly on his features~
guru guru ruu: ~just stays head-pressed-to-wheel at first, finally looking up, one hand wiping at new tears, staring for several moments at Jae, as if he just..didn't comprehend. Lips moved, as if he were saying something, and then he finally rolled down the window, speaking, breath hitching at almost every work~ I...I can't get it out..of park. I'm...trying. To go. I can't...get the car to move.
JJ Hero of Korea: No... you're not going anywhere. ~firm tone, yet concerned~ You told me yourself you're not so experienced at driving this thing, and how fast it can go. ~he leaned on the window frame, a hand sweeping Kim's hair out of his face~ You're crying. What're the chances you'll get home in one piece? Even the smallest margin isn't worth it. Wait. ~pauses, thinking~ Can I come sit? ~he gestures to the passenger side~
guru guru ruu: ~he sniffled softly, wiping at his eyes, which were still leaking, but trying desperatel to hide the fact that he was crying, even if Jae had..already seen.~ I...I need. to go. Before...I....fuck everything..up again. ~head back against the steering wheel, though his fingers left it, one hand clicking the button that unlocked the doors.~
the K R N mouse: -like hell, he was going near the car. yeah, he felt a little guilty. in fact, maybe a little more than that.. but who's to say he wouldn't flare up again at this sight of him. one hand still trembled lightly from anger just moments before and with one, last concerned glance at Jae, he started back into the house-
JJ Hero of Korea: ~he slipped inside, a hand falling on Kim's shoulder soothingly~ That's called running away. Don't do it. You can drive away and never look back but it won't change what happened... wont fix this. You can't mess anything up here so... dont run... please. ~his hand stroked Kim's hair lightly~
guru guru ruu: ~first instinct was to just turn away, to deny touch, but it was Jae and he couldn't...do that, so he opted to just stay still, staring at the windshield, silently letting tears just run down his face.~ I'm...Jae. I'm just...a...a...horrid person. Just..let me go. I don't want to hurt you again. Ever. And...I don't...think. I can stay, and..do that. I just...I don't. know what's wrong with me.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~remembering the conversation from several nights ago, he gently stroked kim's hair, moving closer~ Jung... you're not a horrible person. You just need to learn to make what you do and say /match/. Have some faith. But not in me ... because, I couldn't ever really be whatever it is you wanted. But don't do the same thing to someone else... please. And I told you, I wanted to know the inside. That i'm there for you. I still am. Just not the way you mightve wanted. Not the way you said you wanted. I'm sorry... I confused you... I was willing to try... I'd begun to... but I really am sorry. ~ fingertips come to rest on Kim's cheek~
guru guru ruu: ~just keeps staring forward, hands resting neutrally on his legs, unmoving~ I just...I wanted you to want me. I..I wanted someone. To want me. And. ~breath hitch~ I was wrong. Did you stop because of what you heard, Jae? Is that why you stopped trying?
JJ Hero of Korea: I wasn't trying to teach myself to want you, Jung. You can't make someone want you. No matter how hard you wish it. You just have to wait. What I was willing to try was to believe what you told me... that you wanted me, that you would do whatever it took to be with me. Then I heard that... and I realized... especially after Rose... that it would never work. You're looking for something you can't -find-, neh... it has to find YOU.
guru guru ruu: ~just slumps back into the seat, shifting until his feet are resting on the edge, hands still on the wheel now between his knees~ I know I can't force you to want me. If..you don't, you..just don't. And..I did mean..what I said. I'm...Jae...I was...I needed...to get out. Friday. So...it..was horrible. I was...drowning. I couldn't...break, and...she was there, and...I forgot, for a moment, that...I even felt that way. And we went to the ocean, and swam. The water...was so cold. But...it was good. I wanted.,..it to be you, but...you're right. I'm just. I'm really stupid. Jae. I did the same thing to Rose, with you. I misunderstood, and...I fucked everything up. I'm just...a selfish asshole.
JJ Hero of Korea: No, you're just forgetful ^^; ~still lightly stroking his hair, fingertips gliding down his cheek, tear-streaked~ very... forgetful... ~leans the side of his head against the headrest, eyes on Kim~ it doesn't really matter afterward... who you wanted it to be... you know. even if i understood... and I do... it still makes it impossible to believe what you'd said...
guru guru ruu: ~just nods, having actually stopped crying, but only because the tears had run their course~ I deserve it. I lie so much, Jae. I try to say what...I think people want to here, and...I mean it, but...it's all just...a lie. But I really did want to keep you warm, and...I really did want to love you. I'm...just not...very good at it. I failed you...and it's worse, because...I missed two shows, in Korea. I'm...so dead when I go back. I don't want to go back.
JJ Hero of Korea: You have to... it's the same thing again... you don't think before you do anything, do you. ~sighs and sort of hugs him. a loose sideways embrace, a hand draped across his shoulders~ You should stop trying so hard... really. If it's meant to be it will be... you can't make yourself love, nor can you make anyone else love you. ~pause~ You know if you just stopped sleeping around you'd have no problem ^^;;; ~a touch of dry humor in his voice, as he delivered the rather blunt truth~
guru guru ruu: It's..not that I didn't want to go. I just...I overslept, Saturday. I didn't...wake up, until...in the afternoon. And...I don't know what happened this morning. I just didn't...go. ~just lets Jae embrace him, still not moving, still staring straight ahead~ I..I did think of that. I was..supposed to like, I promised myself...I would be celibate until March, but...you...you know. You're...hard to say no to.
JJ Hero of Korea: And Olivia was hard to say no to. ~he amended in a mild tone~...Why bother with celibacy? Just don't attach all the /strings/. If you'd never said all those things about doing whatever it took to be with me... I wouldn't have had anything to be disappointed about right now.
guru guru ruu: I'm...sorry, Jae. I just...I don't know. I don't know what I even really..mean anymore. Maybe I was just really...lonely. I think...maybe I was. I told you..I lie, a lot. And...it's not that..I don't mean it, it's just...I don't know. You're right. I keep looking for something that's not there. I keep..trying to fill my loneliness with,...anything that I think will work. And..it doesn't. It just keeps getting...worse.
JJ Hero of Korea: Sex isn't going to cure loneliness. ~mildly amused~ Neither will uncertain promises of love. Or any of that. You can have friendships that will keep you warmer than any relationship.... I'm still willing to help... erase the loneliness... I want to... but not /that/ way.... :/
guru guru ruu: ~reaches up one of his hands to grab the hand Jae has around his shoulder, holding it.~ It all just ends in friendship, anyway. I think...maybe it's better that way. I never...really had friends. I mean..all those people, like. They didn't really know me. I'm..glad your willing to...stick with me, even after what i did to you. I still want to teach you how to drive, and how to play guitar, and...how to say 'I'm not a communist, I'm from South Korea, dumbass' in Japanese.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~chuckles softly, clasping Kim's hand, ~ I still want you to do all that, too. Friendship is ten times better at relieving loneliness than sex or romance. ~snuggles up to him a little bit~ I really want you to teach me how to say that by the way... I've had to say it before and it didn't work in Korean ^^;
guru guru ruu: ~sort of relaxes, leaning back against Jae, one foot sliding off the edge of the car seat to rest on the floor again~ Usually I just flip them off. But let's see. It's ~speaks very slowly~ I am not a communist. I am from South Korea, dumbass. Well, unless you're actually speaking to someone who's older, than you leave off the dumbass part, because Atsushi'd probably ruin your entire career if you called him a dumbass.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~repeats it...leaving off the insult, as the chances were he'd forget what it meant and say the whole thing by accident. he laughs slightly, resting his head against Kim's, silent for a moment~ Promise that you'll teach me guitar, and how to drive? Or... if not both, then at least one of the two?
guru guru ruu: You'll be here in June. I'm sure we can find time to do both. ~half smiles, fingers working their way between Jae's, as he just lets out a sigh~ Actually, the best phrase is 'wakarimasen' which means 'I don't understand'. Even if you do understand what they're saying, it can save you if you just don't want to reply. And..I asked Yoshiki, about taking us all to LA...I think he will, if SM will allow it. Do you think your group would want to go with us? As long as Micky doesn't try to kill me, or anything.
JJ Hero of Korea: Ah... ^^; it's a nice idea... but I don't know if it'd work. :/ We can't afford to take time off. ~ever the conscientious diligent singer~ And I already knew that one. ~smiles~ And I can't speak for Micky, but I can keep him from actually succeeding if he does try ^^;
guru guru ruu: Just a few daysssss. It'd be fun. Though..I don't know..Yoshiki may not be allowed to take us out of the country, after what happened with Rose. He got bitched out as much as we did. ~sighs~ I'm surprised they haven't pulled us back to Korea for long-term detention. But...we'll see. And that's a good phrase to know. Also, my Japanese is poor. Which is..my Japanese is poor, or not so good. It's useful, especially for me, since I say all sorts of crap that gets me yelled at.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~giggles softly~ Yeah... well.. you guys are doing too well here... ~shrugs slightly~ SM is more interested in success than in teaching you all a lesson. I wouldn't personally cross them /again/ though... to find out what they'll do ^^; but... that's just me. ~a thoughtful pause~ So... can you make me one more promise?
guru guru ruu: I'll do my best, Jae. Which isn't always so great, but yes. I'll make you another promise.
JJ Hero of Korea: That's better. Before you would've said 'Anything' ^^; but this one you have to keep. Promise me you'll get home in one piece? And the car too? And... that you'll remember what Ive said? I know that's three but... >>;
guru guru ruu: ~just kind of laughs a little, hugging Jae with his other arm, nodding~ I promise. I won't wreck the car, or myself. And...I'll remember. I think you're a wonderful friend, and a wonderful person. I just got confused. I do that a lot.
JJ Hero of Korea: And I'm not really much help when I'm confused too...~hugs back~ I should get back inside... before Micky saves up a glare with /my/ name on it... but... don't worry about me... and this... okay? Just... remember it. ~presses his lips softly to Kim's cheek~ I gotta get back... drive safe.
guru guru ruu: ~squeezes Jae slightly, before letting him go, nodding~ Okay. And I will. Have a good night, Jae.
JJ Hero of Korea: ~slips out of the car and with a parting wave, heads back to the house~
guru guru ruu: ~waits until Jae is actually inside, before driving off~
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