18. Losers and Monkey Men
18. "Small Potatoes," The X-Files
Click Here For the Rest of the List So Far
Season Four, Episode 20
Original Airdate: April 20, 1997
Written By: Vince Gilligan
Directed By: Clifford Bole
Starring: Gillian Anderson as Special Agent Dana Scully
Christine Cavanaugh as Amanda Nelligan
David Duchovny as Special Agent Fox Mulder
Darin Morgan as Eddie Van Blundht
Mitch Pileggi as Assistant Director Walter Skinner
Synopsis: Five babies in the same town are all born with tails and the local OB-GYN is blamed for tampering with fertilized eggs. However, Mulder discovers the culprit to be a simple man with a genetic deformity who may have the ability to alter his appearance.
Trivia:
- The voice of Amanda Nelligan, the mother of the "Luke Skywalker" baby, may be familiar because she is played by Christine Cavanaugh, who more usually appears as a voice artist for animated shows and features. She is probably best known for being the voice of Chuckie Finster of Rugrats fame, the voice of Babe the pig in Babe, and the title character of Dexter's Laboratory.
- Eddie's address -- 17 Prospect Parkway -- is also a former residence in Virgina of writer Vince Gilligan's girlfriend, Holly Rice.
- Darin Morgan returns to The X-Files for the final time, playing Eddie van Blundht. Morgan wrote many of the most memorable episodes during second and third seasons including "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose" and "Humbug."
- According to the DVD commentary by writer Vince Gilligan, they had originally wanted wings for the babies because they thought wings were cuter than tails. However, the wing effect was much harder to accomplish, so they went with tails.
Critical Reception: This episode was named by TV Guide as one of the greatest episodes in TV history.
Why It's on the List: Besides being eminently quotable and infinitely amusing, this episode deserves a spot on this list just for the last ten minutes alone, or maybe I'm a little bit biased. Yes, The X-Files was scary as hell, but in my opinion, it was at it's best when it was poking fun at itself. There is nothing funnier to me than people acting out of character, or being in awkward situations (hence, my love for The Office and 30 Rock), and this episode does that in spades. On top of that, the X-File is intriguing (if silly) and the sheer brilliance of having Eddie seduce his ex-girlfriend in SPOILER the guise of Luke Skywalker still makes me laugh hysterically every time. But most importantly, this episode isn't just silly. Vince Gilligan, Gillian Anderson, and David Duchovny really bring it home in the end during a scene that not only proves that yes, there was a point to this, but which also never fails to make me just really, really sad.
Extra Goodies: Episode Transcript, Screencaps, Watch the Episode
This is the Tale of a Baby
Tablers Community Hospital -- Martinsburg, West Virginia. A very pregnant woman is being wheeled on a gurney through the hospital corridors. She is obviously in labor, and unrelatedly, has an extremely pleasant face. Also, her voice sounds pretty familiar. A similarly pleasant -- but brusque -- nurse is cheering her on, telling her to breathe, that she's doing great. The woman responds with this wonderful sarcasm, withering the nurse with her pleasant gaze: "Yeah, real great." A second nurse runs up, jogging to keep up with the fast moving gurney. The second nurse asks pleasant and pregnant for her name and Social Security number, and we learn that her name is Amanda Nelligan. "Insurance carrier?" Atlantic Mutual. Was that really necessary? No, but I thought I'd throw it in there anyways, just for kicks. Second nurse then asks if there's anyone they need to contact, the father perhaps? But Amanda's not sure she can get ahold of him, although the nurse offers to try if she'll give her the name. Amanda pauses and gets this cute crinkly face. "He's not from around here." "Another state?" the nurse wants to know. Amanda, matter of factly: "Another planet." An alien baby: Wooo. I love those! But the nurse thinks it's weird.
Inside the delivery room, Amanda is screaming, very close to delivering her bundle of alien joy. The doctor tells her it's just one more push. He keeps babbling on about how she's going to set the speed record and how it's "like the Indy 500 here." He delivers the baby and all his ramblings disappear, as does his smile and that of the nurses. "Oh," he says. "God," says a nurse. Amanda is, of course, concerned. "What? What is it?" She tries to peer around but the doctor avoids her, telling her everything is just fine and that the baby is healthy. "A healthy baby girl." When he's safely behind a curtain, he holds the baby up, and there growing from its baby buttox is a swinging tail. "Good Lord," says the Doc. "Not another one." Credits.
Or Rather, Lots of Babies With Tails
Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully are driving down an unmarked highway in what is presumably a rental car. Scully is looking at a copy of a tabloid -- The World Weekly Informer -- as Mulder drives. On the cover is a picture of a baby with the head of a monkey. "Monkey babies invade small town!" it reads. Scully looks up at Mulder incredulously. He points at the baby. "I admit the photo's a little over the top, but uh, what do you think Scully?" She's like, no seriously, Mulder. (That's really what she says -- "No, seriously.") Mulder is honestly and adorably flummoxed, like, he can't understand why on earth "children born with vestigial tails" wouldn't interest anyone. Time for some Scully Science: "Caudal appendages. Fetuses have them. Their coccyx enlargens to contain the spinal fluid and then it shrinks as the child develops. Occasionally, it doesn't. It's extremely rare, but it has been known to happen." Of course Mulder has a rebuttal. "Five times within the last three months, all in a town with a population of less than 15,000 people? I'd say that's a little more than a statistical anomaly." I concur, dear Sir, but that's only because I saw that baby being borned not five minutes ago. Sometimes I don't know how Scully puts up with you. Luckily for Mulder, Scully agrees that something about this isn't right and that it "definitely warrants an investigation," BUT, she'd say it's a job for the local health department. Mulder's like, they're totally on it, babe. But now Scully gets to the heart of it; something else is interesting to Mulder about this case. Oh, gee, could it be the claims of a woman mating with an alien from outer space? Mulder just smiles at her.
Amanda Nelligan's hospital room. Mulder is sitting in a chair by her bedside, looking very eager, and Scully is standing behind him, her arms folded to indicate her inner skepticism. Amanda is telling them that her baby is perfectly healthy and normal -- other than the tail -- and when she's a couple of months old it'll be no problem to have that removed. Scully asks her if she underwent any unusual complications during her pregnancy, or if she was being treated for infertility. But Amanda says nay (not really), she wasn't trying to get pregnant. Mulder leans even farther forward, Scully waiting impatiently in the background as he asks the question he's been waiting to ask: "When you were admitted you said that the baby's father was from another planet. What did you mean by that exactly?" He is so hopeful. Amanda leans forward conspiratorially and whispers, "You know, that he's not from this planet." Scully's face is priceless. Mulder asks whether she was abducted, but no, it turns out that he just showed up at her apartment one day and one thing led to another. "But the baby's father is an alien?" Mulder tries to confirm, but Amanda has news for him: "No, no, I didn't say he was an alien, I said he was from another planet. His name is Luke Skywalker. He's what's known as a Jedi Knight." Seriously, priceless. And now she's just tickled pink that Mulder's alien hunt has led to, well, this.
Mulder leans back, defeated, and looks over at Scully, who is fighting back laughter with great difficulty. "Did he have a lightsaber?" Oh, Scully, never change. Amanda says he didn't bring it, but that he did hum his song for her, you know. And she starts singing it. This is too much for Mulder, who gets up out of the chair and makes to leave the room. Scully interrupts her, asking how many times she's seen Star Wars. Amanda: "Three hundred and sixty eight. I should break four hundred by Memorial Day." Scully nods, triumphant. Mulder leaves and Scully follows, after politely thanking Amanda, but Amanda stops her. She's wondering whether the four other babies born there were also Luke's children, and Scully gets this Aha!Face and leaves the room. A few minutes later she finds him staring at Amanda's daughter in the infant viewing room; the baby is wagging its tail. Strangely, the camera lingers slightly on a schlubby janitor who is leaning forward to see the babies. She hangs up her cell phone and Mulder tells her he still thinks something's there, and much to his surprise, she agrees with him.
Inside a medical room, a doctor from the Health Department is showing Mulder and Scully some documents, which turn out the be PCRs for all four children born with tails. She tells Scully that this is such an obvious answer, she's surprised they didn't think of it, and that they'll inform the parents, and then leaves. Mulder whispers to Scully: "What answer?" Long story short on the Scully Science babble, all five children share the same father, DNA proved. Mulder's like, "Ur so smart I <3 U." She continues, saying that this type of birth defect is often passed on within a family, and they both conclude this means the father probably has a tail, too. Or, had. "He most likely had it surgically removed somewhere along the way." Mulder wants to know how this would happen, but Scully's all the birds and the bees and the monkey babies, dude. It's totally your thing now. Mulder: "Birds do it, bees do it, even educated MD's do it." Seriously, Dana Scully, M.D. Either slap him or make out with him; you need to pick. We discover that all five women shared the same OB-GYN, but he's the only one in town, and that all the women excepting Amanda Nelligan and her Star Wars baby, underwent some form of artificial insemination. The doctor might have something to do with it? Scully asks. Mulder: "So much for putting all your eggs in one basket."
The office of Dr. Alton Pugh, OB-GYN. Mulder and Scully are walking up along with another couple to the doctor's office. The couple is arguing about suing the doctor, and upon seeing Mulder and Scully ask, "You too?" This leads to some minor awkwardness, but our heroes are brave. Inside the office, several other couples are gathered around the tiny doctor who delivered Luke Skywalker's baby. "What the hell did you do?" is the general consensus. My sperm!?!?! is another. "It's bad enough having a boy with a tail and you find out it's not even yours!" Amen, brother. They catch sight of Mulder and Scully and start to accuse the doctor even more. I love when Moose and Squirrel are mistaken for a couple; it's my favorite. Also, it's foreshadowing the end of the episode. Sort of. Anyway, M&S soon correct their assumptions and introduce themselves as FBI. The parents just want them to arrest Dr. Pugh, and really I don't blame them. It does look pretty bad for the guy. Dr. Pugh insists that he used the husband's own sperm in each case, explaining his reasoning: "It was a sperm motility issue. The intrauterine process that I used has about a 40% chance of success. I was surprised, it seemed to work all four times." OR DID IT? He suggests that the procedure never worked at all, which of course angers the parents even more because he's implying they are adulterers.
Meanwhile, Mulder wanders off down the hall as they continue their arguments. We hear the doctor from far away using Amanda Nelligan as proof; she didn't even use insemination. Mulder walks into a room where a janitor is bent over fixing a sink. In fact, it's the same janitor from earlier. Hmmm. Mulder and the janitor acknowledge one another with manly "Hey's," but when the janitor bends back over to attend to his work, Mulder notices a strange scar just above his very prominent buttcrack. Mulder approaches him calmly, saying he's from the FBI and that he would like to ask him a few questions. The janitor stands up calmly, saying "Uh, yeah. Okay." But then he bolts out the door. Mulder sighs hilariously and rolls his eyes. He chases Buttcrack down the hall, tackling him, and sliding both of them to the waiting and confused feet of Scully, the doctor, and the parents. He tells Scully to check out the scar as he pulls the janitor's pants down. The parents freak out, like, "Oh, my God." And also, really? Him? I bore the fruit of his loins? Ew.
An interrogation room at the local police station. The janitor is sitting under the harsh lights, the results of the DNA tests in front of him. Scully: "Five out of five." The janitor, whose name is Eddie, doesn't seem to be concerned with this, but instead starts complaining, "They spelled my name wrong. It's Van Blundht with a silent 'H'. B-l-u-n-d-H-t." Mulder: "Oh, we'll get right on that." Eddie: "Lots of people spell it wrong. It's like Dutch or something. Can I go now?" Scully's all, um, NO. We got some shit to clear up first. Mulder asks him how he did it, and Eddie's like, what do you mean? "You're the father of five children Mr. Van Blundht. Is that not news to you?" Eddie shrugs. Does he have any insight as to how five women came to be inseminated with his sperm? Eddie: "You make it sound so romantic." So you're saying romance was involved. Eddie: "Why is that so hard to believe? Just cause I was born with a tail no woman would want me? Maybe I got...personality. Ever think of that?" Mulder looks him over, and Scully speaks. She wants to know if he had sex with these women, how come none of them remember it. Eddie: "Look, I'm not saying anything one way or another. I'm just saying hypothetically, if some women wanted to have kids, their husbands weren't...capable, and everybody was happy and no one got hurt, well hypothetically, where's the crime?" Scully just looks at him and walks out, Mulder following.
Outside the interrogation room, Mulder tells Scully that if she's waiting for his usual theory as to what's going on, he doesn't have one. But Scully says she does, crossing her hands over her chest with this great look of like, half pleading, half contempt. On behalf of all all women everywhere, "I seriously doubt this is anything to do with consensual sex," and says she thinks it was some sort of rape involving rohypnol. Mulder hadn't thought of that. Scully then goes on to explain the date rape drug to Mulder, and honestly it makes me wonder. Were people not familiar with the idea of GHB or roofies back in 1997? It seems a little obvious to me now, but I don't know. Anyway, Scully thinks Eddie drugged these women in conjunction with alcohol and then gave them their little baby bundles. Mulder wants to know when he would have had the chance to slip it to them, and Scully posits that he could have followed them from the doctor's office to almost anywhere. Mulder: "Those women don't look like the type that do a lot of solo drinking." Nevertheless, Scully thinks they have enough to hold him in custody while they check him out. She walks away and Mulder glances back into the room, only to find Eddie staring right back at him.
A little later, Eddie is being interviewed by a police officer who is entering his information into the system. As he's typing Eddie's name into his computer, he spells it wrong -- Blundt instead of Blundht. Eddie tries to correct him, putting a funny emphasis on the silent 'H,' but the officer ignores him and asks for his address. Eddie just glares at him. Officer: "I strongly suggest you stop eyeballing me and tell me your address." Eddie does, and then the officer awesomely makes fun of his name, also emphasizing the 'H' but in a way that is not so much with the respect, and then asks for his phone number. Eddie sighs like a whiny baby. Sidenote -- I love Darin Morgan and I love what he does to this character. Sidenote to the sidenote -- Darin Morgan just joined the writing staff of Fringe; everyone rejoice. The office looks up at Eddie, but Eddie isn't there anymore; he's looking at himself. The officer is all, WHAT THE FUCK (except he says Hell) and the Eddie-officer brains him with a statue of a pig wearing a cop uniform. AWESOME. Eddie: "The 'H' is silent."
And Also, Let's Throw in Some Mutating Monkey Men
The Police Station, a few hours later. Scully is talking to another officer, while our officer is sitting behind them with his head wrapped up in a bandage. Officer #2 is telling Scully that he could have sworn Curtis -- Officer Bandagehead -- clocked out hours ago; he said good night to him and everything, "and this morning I find him shoved underneath the desk." Officer Curtis Bandagehead: "The guy coldcocked me. Except he wasn't the guy. He was me. My head hurts." Mulder enters and rings the bell on the desk obnoxiously. He tells Scully he found Eddie's clothes in the locker room and speculates that he must have stolen the officer's clothes and just walked out. "After hitting him over the head." Mulder gets all cute and twitchy: "I have a theory. Do you want to hear it?" But Scully knows what's coming: "Van Blundht somehow physically transformed into his captor then walked out the door leaving no one the wiser?" Mulder, with the best line ever: "Hey Scully, should we be picking out china patterns or what?" Scully stupidly ignores his flirtatious come-on -- just like he knew she would, which is probably why he said it in the first place -- and says that basically his theory is ridiculous because with the blow to the head Officer Bandagehead received, "he would have identified MacGruff the crime dog" as his attacker. "Two men, roughly the same build," blah, blah, blah Scully just can't bring herself to believe anything. "The addition of a uniform goes a long way to explain how one person can mistake one man for another at 3 o'clock in the morning." Mulder: "Conversely my theory goes a long way to explaining how four married women could mistake Van Blundht for their husbands, and how Amanda Nelligan could think it was Luke Skywalker. We've both seen something like this before, Scully." Scully's all, are you saying he's an alien? Mulder: "Not unless they have trailer parks in space."
17 Prospect Parkway -- Eddie's house. Mulder and Scully are walking up, holding umbrellas. Mulder, random as ever, asks Scully if she could be anyone else for a day, who would it be. Scully's answer is pure Scully: "Hopefully myself." Ha ha, but Mulder thinks she's boring. Mulder: "So boring! [See?] I mean, wouldn't you even be tempted to try out someone else's existence for a day, live your life as somebody else?" But Scully thinks looking like somebody else and being somebody else are two different things. I'm guessing Eddie's talent would be completely wasted on her. Then Mulder gets all philosophical, which, let's be honest, probably turns Scully on: "Well, maybe it's not, I mean everybody else around you would treat you like you were somebody else, and ultimately maybe it's other people's reactions to us that make us who we are." They reach the porch and Scully blurts out "Eleanor Roosevelt." Mulder: "It can't be a dead person." Scully: "Why the hell not?" Ha, a Scully swear! There is a man with a leaf blower in the next yard over who Mulder is glaring suspiciously at and so only responds with a "Because." We see that VAN BLUNDHT is spelled out to the left of the door, and as Mulder walks by it, the 'H' falls off. Hee! The door opens and we see an older man wearing a dingy bathrobe, and he wants to know why our intrepid duo are sneaking around his porch. They flash those spiffy FBI IDs -- and by the way I totally want one -- and Mulder tells him they're looking for his son, Eddie Junior. "Eddie? What did that moron do now?"
Inside the house, Eddie Sr. is being debriefed on the antics of his only child. "Five women? Oh, Lord. Anything else?" Scully tells him about Officer Bandagehead and Eddie Sr. confirms that he wasn't hurt bad, looking relieved. Scully asks him about the whereabouts of his son, but he says he hasn't seen him in two days. Meanwhile, Mulder has been distracted by a large circus poster featuring a man with a tail. It reads, "See Eddie the Monkey Man." Mulder asks Senior if that's him, and he's all, sure is! He poses next to the picture and then offers to show them his tail. He starts to undo his belt and Mulder is nodding eagerly, but Scully quickly puts an end to the fun with a firm and rather frightening "No!" But then she says, "No, thank you." Both Mulder and Eddie Sr. look extremely disappointed. "My son had his removed when he was uh, just a kid. Kept bugging me and bugging me, till I finally let him do it." He hands them a copy of Glimpse magazine which features an adolescent Eddie Jr. about to be operated on by a team of confounded doctors. "I told him it was a mistake. I said, son, you ain't much to look at. You ain't no athlete, and you sure the hell ain't no Einstein. But at least you got that tail. Otherwise you're just small potatoes. But he didn't listen." Eddie Sr. is sad, and Mulder takes the opportunity to quiz him about other talents Eddie might have. He starts to spew some answer, calling Mulder "Mr. Mulder," when Mulder interrupts him, wanting to know how he knew his name. Eddie Sr. looks over at Scully, "She told me it was." Scully's all, uh, no I didn't, biatch. Mulder eyes hims suspiciously for a second before Eddie catches the hint and runs away, Mulder following. "It's him, Scully!"
Outside, Mulder finds the dingy robe on the front lawn, no other sign of Eddie anywhere. There are several men around, and any of them could be Eddie. Scully comes from behind, and Mulder says he's "pretty spry for an old guy." Scully: "Eddie Junior, not Senior." Yes, dear. Glad you're finally catching on. He lays the robe on Scully's shoulder -- ew! -- and they head back inside.
Down the street one of the women is changing her Eddie-spawn's diaper. It's the woman that Mulder and Scully met on the way into the doctor's office, the one whose husband calls her "Baboo." And seriously, don't even get me started on how stupid that nickname is and how it makes me want to shove a pencil into my eyeball. Her husband, wearing Eddie's shirt, comes running and panting into the house, slamming the door shut behind him. Baboo's all, honey baby darling face, home so early? He doesn't say anything, but locks the door, points down the hallway at the bathroom, and practically runs there. Baboo is confused, picking up the baby and walking after him. She calls to him behind the locked bathroom door and asks if he's okay. Inside, we see Eddie -- now truly Eddie shaped -- washing his face off. And, God, is that green shirt horrible. Baboo must be thinking the same thing; after he tells her he's fine, she starts asking him what happened to his clothes from this morning. He tells her he'll explain later, but that he just wants a little bit of privacy. She smiles conspiratorially and okays it, calling him "Sugar Patootie" as she walks away. And, honestly, that is way, WAY better than Baboo.
Back at Eddie Senior's house, Mulder and Scully are poking around inside. Mulder goes upstairs while Scully stays below. Mulder opens a cabinet and a shit-ton of stuff falls out, making this huge racket. He calls out to Scully, "I'm all right!" Downstairs, she's all, "What?" Mulder is disappointed that her Mulder-in-danger radar seems to be malfunctioning. What he'd really like is a kiss on the temple and a pat on the head to make sure he's all right, and then maybe a nice BJ before dinner. Yes, I just went there. Bad, bad recapper. Bad. Just as Scully is coming upstairs, Mulder spots a string hanging from the attic, and being Mulder, pulls it straight away. Some white powder falls on his face and he spits it out as he realizes it's quicklime. He tells Scully to stand back and pulls the string all the way. A large body with a large tail falls out of the ceiling. It is petrified and covered in quicklime as well. Mulder: "Not so spry. You think the fall killed him?"
Back at Baboo and Patootie's house, Eddie is still in the bathroom when the real Patootie returns home. This one is dressed in a crisp suit with a red tie. He calls to Baboo, "I'm home!" Eddie: "Oh, crap." Outside in the foyer, Baboo is staring at Patootie with a really freaked out expression. "I'm home early," he offers, unhelpfully. Baboo: "You were just here. You went into the bathroom." Eddie is panicking inside the bathroom as Patootie and Baboo sneak up on whoever is in the bathroom. Patootie quietly reaches for the door, but it busts open, and out walks . . . Mulder? "It's all clear," he tells them. Oh, Eddie. You sneaky little monkey man.
And Just For a Little More Fun, Let's Have Two Mulders
In the morgue, Scully is examining Eddie Senior's mummified remains. She's just sawing away as Mulder enters, holding a cup of coffee and wanting to know what killed Eddie the Monkey Man. She's not sure. " The quicklime burned the tissue even as it preserved it, so what killed him is one of two things I haven't figured out yet." And the other thing is? She gestures at a computer display behind her, "Striated muscle tissue." He doesn't get it, what's unusual. She tells him that in and of itself, nothing is unusual about striated muscle tissue, but the fact that he has a "thin layer of voluntary muscle" underlying his entire skin, means that his body is "quite the scientific specimen." Mulder walks over to the body and touches the tail, which snaps off in his hand. This leads to him making the best face ever in the history of television. He looks back at Scully to check if she's noticed, and when he determines that she hasn't, he turns to face her with the tail hidden in his hands and his body blocking her view. Scully is blathering about how this guys essentially has six hundred and fifty five muscles, one more than normal, and Mulder wants to know if that's related to him having a tail. Scully thinks it's possible, but Mulder's only half listening because he's too busy fumbling and trying to put the tail back in place without looking. He tries to distract her by asking what purpose the muscle might have, but if he wasn't distracted, he could probably guess. Scully really has no clue; she says it appears to be atrophied, although that may be a side effect of the mummification. Mulder wonders if it's a "father like son" thing and Scully is intrigued by the possibility that Eddie Jr. might have the same tissue. Mulder: "Well, um, if this musculature underlies the entire skin, then maybe it could be utilized to remold the skin's shape and texture. Which would go a long way to explaining why we're looking for a man who can appear to be his own father, or anyone else for that matter." Scully is yet again amazed by Mulder's brain; Mulder is still fumbling with the tail, which makes this thought process all the more impressive. Scully is, obviously, skeptical. Meanwhile, Mulder has successfully balanced the tail and rushes out the door, saying he needs to check something -- Eddie's women were four married women who wanted to get pregnant . . . and Scully finishes it for him: " . . . and one single woman who didn't." As the door closes behind him, the tail falls onto the floor with a loud bang. Scully just stares.
Back at the hospital, a nurse has brought Amanda's baby for a visit. There's a knock on the door -- Amanda says, "Come in!" -- and it's Mulder. He sheepishly -- and uncharacteristically -- ums his way into a questioning. Amanda seems to notice nothing. Why would she? Amanda hands off the baby to the nurse and Mulder stares after it weirdly. So, if you don't know by now, this is Eddie. As the nurse leaves, Amanda tells "Mulder" that the reason they're keeping her at the hospital is because they think she's kind of crazy and want to make sure she's safe around the baby. EddieMulder: "Free cable." He chuckles awkwardly, this strange look on his face. He sits on her bed and pulls out a picture of Eddie, wanting to know if she recognizes him. Eddie looks fantastically and amazingly goofy. It is an awesome picture. She makes this hilarious face and then says, "Yes, ewwwwww. That's Eddie Van Blundht." They went out all through high school, oh brother. MulderEddie stops smiling. What? Amanda: "Nothing, he's just sort of a loser." EddieMulder gets pained expression on his face. "He's one of those guys you look back on, you know, and oh my God, what was I thinking? WHAT was I thinking?" EddieMulder: "What specifically made him a loser?" Amanda: "I don't know. Everything. He had like one million annoying personal habits. You know, just no sense of romance, no ambition, no direction. I mean, I hear he's like a janitor or something now. He had this weird family, his dad was in the circus or something. I don't know. He never let me meet him, thank God." EddieMulder wants to know if there were any good qualities, desperately. Of course, there was the seeing Star Wars every weekend. "That was nice." Why does he want to know about Eddie? EddieMulder: "That's official FBI business." Wow! He gives her a rose, congratulating her with this seriously pathetic look on his face. She wishes that the force be with him on his way out, which is pretty much awesome.
Just as he's leaving, we see the real Mulder appear in the hallway behind him, not suspecting a thing. EddieMulder sees him as he's checking in and ducks down the hallway real quick. Mulder knocks and enters Amanda's room, who immediately continues their previous conversation about Eddie. This confuses him. He's like, how did you know I wanted to talk about Eddie? But meanwhile his cell rings. It's Patootie and Baboo and they want to know when it will be okay for them to get into their bathroom again. Mulder's all, the hell? But when Patootie starts going on about the police and checking it out and why did Mulder need to borrow a suit, and how did he end up chasing a suspect into their bathroom, all the pieces click into place and Mulder quickly hangs up. He asks Amanda, "I was just here. Where did I go?" She's all, huh? He waves to her as he rushes out the door, running into the nurse, whom he asks where the man went who looks exactly like him. Down the hall, she says, men's locker room.
Mulder enters the locker room with his gun drawn. A man who looks like a security guard is in the middle of pulling his pants up when Mulder barges in. "Hey," he says. "Hey," says the guard. But then he sees Mulder's gun and tries to reach for his own. Mulder's says Eddie's name, which confuses the guard, and Mulder tells him not to be stupid while a gun is pointed at him. The guard complies with Mulder's instructions, puts his hands up, and his pants fall down around his ankles. Mulder: "If it's not you, I apologize in advance." Just then, Dr. Pugh comes out of the showers wearing nothing but a towel and a puzzled expression. Then again, this actor always looks like he's puzzled; it's his thing. Mulder whirls and points his gun, which causes the good doctor to drop his towel. Oh, Mulder. A little later, Mulder has handcuffed both of them to a pole, and they aren't happy about it. Mulder apologizes but says the only way he can be sure is by blood test. He calls Scully and tells her she needs to come to the hospital right away. Just as he's hanging up, he hears a strange noise from overhead. The lightbulb clicks on over his head, and he starts inspecting the ceiling, pushing a tile away. Eddie, from the ceiling: "You're a damn good looking man." He falls out of the ceiling onto Mulder and everything goes black.
Later. Scully is walking down the hall towards Mulder, who is holding an icepack to his forehead. He is arguing with Dr. Pugh and the security guard, who are both justifiably angry. Mulder keeps apologizing, seemingly without effect, and kind of lamely. Maybe it's the bump on the head? Riiiight. But just in case you're slow, I'll keep quiet for now. A cop is taking statements; Mulder turns to him. "Are we done here?" Yeah, the cop says. Scully and Mulder walk away, and Scully wants to know what the hell happened. Man, she curses a lot this episode. I like it. Mulder: "Van Blundht surprised me. He cold cocked me and then he got away." Does he know where he's going? No, but the local authorities should be able to handle it. "They'll catch him eventually." This makes Scully pause; this is weird, right? But her little Scully brain can't handle the truth right now. He tells her he's beginning to think this whole thing was a waste of time. DING DING DING DING. Warning! But Scully's just relieved; she can only handle so much weirdness. "So you think there's no X-File?" Mulder looks perplexed. "No. No, I think the only thing here is uh . . . small potatoes." Nice save, er, Mulder. He takes off, leaving her with yet another confusion face. There are so many of those this episode, and it's only going to get better from here.
The hospital basement. Mulder seems to be locked in a small room with bars, and he is screaming. "Get me out of here!" Oh, dear.
And One Very Befuddled Scully
Back from the break, Mulder's still locked away, screaming. He kicks at the door as the camera moves inside with him; inside is also somebody's half eaten lunch. So at least he won't starve?
FBI Headquarters, Washington D.C. In Skinner's office, "Mulder" and Scully are waiting as Skinner reads their report. EddieMulder glances over at Scully, who is sitting with her arms folded and her legs crossed, and tries to mimic her. Skinner sighs and looks up from the report, like, really? This is my job? Skinner: "Which one of you wrote this?" That would be Mulder. "You spelled Federal Bureau of Investigation wrong." It was a typo. "Twice." Skinner wants to know whether or not Scully was able to identify a cause of death for Eddie Senior's body, so Scully tells him the truth. He died of natural causes, "Specifically heart disease and advanced age." EddieMulder decides to pipe in: "We think the son hid the father in the attic so he could continue to cash in on the old man's social security checks." Scully makes a face. "Most likely," she says, giving him the beginnings of a stink-eye. Skinner wants clarification, the son wasn't a murderer. EddieMulder is a little too quick and desperate in his response -- earning more suspicious stink eye from Scully -- "Oh, no. Not at all." Skinner: "But he was a rapist." EddieMulder frowns, no doubt not really enjoying that particular view of his actions. Scully blahs some more about entering Eddie into the sex offenders database and how there's going to be an arrest soon. Meanwhile, EddieMulder is shifting around in his chair noticeably, and acting like a complete weirdo. Skinner gives him some stink-eye, too, and he finally calls the whole thing to an end when Scully finishes. EddieMulder: "That about wraps it up."
Still at the FBI, Mulder and Scully are heading down to their basement office. Rather, Scully is headed there and EddieMulder is pretending to head there but is really just following Scully. When they reach the door, he awkwardly and earnestly pats her on the shoulder and starts inquiring about that night. "Any big plans?" Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. We're going there. We are so going there; it makes my heart palpitate. But Scully's doing her Scully Science Blather some more, this time about recidivism or phrenology or some other shit, and all EddieMulder hears is blah blah blah blah I'm really smart blah. She gets his hopes up a little when she says she might ditch those plans to go study Eddie the Monkey Man's corpse some more because it fascinates her. Meanwhile this whole time, Eddie has been messing with Mulder's keys, trying to figure out which one opens their office. My favorite part of this is that Scully was so busy being excited and supernerdy that she doesn't even notice. She tells him she'll see him Monday just as he finds the right key, and he stares wistfully -- and hornily -- after her. Once inside, he looks around. The "I Want to Believe" poster, the newspaper clippings, Mulder's nametag -- "Fox? Oh, brother." Sitting down at the desk, he tries to put his feet up like he's really Mulder, but he totally loses his balance and knocks a bunch of shit over, and David Duchovny is really good at acting like a leg-flailing spazoid. He sits up, swiveling the chair to get a closer look. "Good night! This is where my tax dollars go?" He seems to think for a bit and wonders aloud where he lives, fumbling for some identification.
Alexandria, Virginia. Eddie seems to have located Mulder's apartment, because he's totally walking in the door. A quick tour of the apartment doesn't reveal much -- except that there's no bedroom -- and Eddie asks what we've all been wondering: "Where the hell do I sleep?" He pushes the button on Mulder's answering machine and goes over to feed the fish. The first message is from Langly talking about something nerdy and conspiratorial and completely not normal -- Frohike piping in about cheesesteaks -- and ends his message with an "Oh, yeah, erase this when you hear it." Eddie has meanwhile moved on to attempted basketball dribbling and mumbles something about "geeks for friends" when the second message starts up. The second message is pure gold. "Hello Marty? Chantal. It's been so long since we've spoken and I've been so lonely not hearing your sexy voice." Eddie looks interested in this one so he picks up a pencil to take a message. "Marty, just for you we've lowered our rates to forty cents a minute," Eddie throws down the pencil, "2.99 for the first minute, all long distance rates apply. Do give me a call, lover-man. I'll be waiting." Mulder makes me sad. Eddie walks over to the mirror and begins practicing what can only be called his "technique." He pulls out Mulder's badge and flashes it -- upside down. "FBI. F-B-I." he turns it right side up. "FBI!!!" [Insert token DeNiro impression here.] Eddie, man, you're such a cliche. Except for that whole tail thing. He unbuttons his jacket in what I assume he thinks is a sexy and powerful way, and shows his gun to the mirror. He tries a quick draw, but the thing falls apart, the clip on the floor, etc. He retrieves it and points it "fiercely" at the mirror. This scene reminds me of The Lion King. And, well, nobody's about to die, but you see where this is going. It cannot end well. (But it will be so good.) Eddie readjusts himself, straightening his tie, and then says the second best line ever. Completely deadpan, with the repetition only making it better: "You're a damn good looking man." Don't we know it, Eddie. Don't we know it.
Scully's apartment. Scully is sitting in front of her sofa on the floor, shuffling some official looking papers around. Let me set the scene for you. The light is soft and warm, Scully's sweater is green and showing some cleavage. She's wearing jeans. There is a knock on the door; she looks through the peephole. What does she see? Mulder, with the goofiest grin ever, magnified 1000 times by the fishbowl lens of the peephole. She is disconcerted because this has never happened before. Why is he smiling? She opens the door, concerned. "Mulder, what's up?" He wants to know if it's a bad time and she fumbles a little with her answer. She notices he's carrying a wine bottle; now she's really unsettled. The hell is going on? She asks him who it's for. "Um . . . us?" She stares at him, nonplussed, and then take the bottle. That's my girl; when in doubt, be polite. You know, if this was really Mulder, he would have made at least ten sexual innuendos by now and he'd be making her watch some stupid movie or something. So what does her acceptance of this new Mulder show? Stupidity? An unwillingness to believe? Stubborness? No, I think not. It just means that's she's normal, and that some part of her deep down wishes that Mulder really would bring over a bottle of wine so they could have a heart to heart. All it means is that she loves him. (Duh? But also, the Mulder she loves would never do this, which is the sad part.) But back to reality. She heads to the kitchen for wine glasses, doing this neat one-handed carry, and they make idle talk about what she's working on, etc. EddieMulder grabs a spoon and checks out his reflection, as if we needed more clues as to what was really going on.
Scully's blathering about Monkey Man again, about some hair follicle thing that they need to do more tests on, and EddieMulder is being awkward with one of her pillows, trying to make himself more comfortable. She brings the wine glasses over and sits down next to him on the sofa. She's like, so seriously, Mulder, the hell? But like, polite. "You okay?" She hands him a glass and then pours the other for herself. Well, he was kind of just "knocking around," just thinking -- they clink glasses and take a sip, he chokes a little -- "We never really, uh, talk much. Do we?" She looks at him, kind of stunned, not sure what to say. I mean, we know this is Eddie, but it's Mulder speaking to her. What a cruel joke -- think about it. We're evil. I'm evil, for enjoying this. Scully: "What do you mean, like . . . really talk? No, no we don't, Mulder." Mulder: "Well, what's stopping us?" Oh. Boy.
Later, after lots of wine. There's a fire blazing in the fireplace and Al Green's "Funny How Time Slips Away" is playing softly in the background. EddieMulder is pouring the last drops of wine into a glass; his ploy seems to be working. The simplest ploy in the world; seriously, think about it and I'll get back to you later. She's giggling, smiling, telling him a story. "So there we are at two o'clock in the morning, me and my moire taffeta dress and Marcus in whatever the hell it was he was wearing," EddieMulder pounds the bottle to get the last drop out, "Thank you very much. It had a, um . . . a kelly green cummerbund on it. Anyway, so, I know that Marcus is thinking that it's now or never," EddieMulder nods,
"and I'm thinking . . ." EddieMulder: "What are you thinking?" She's thinking, "What is that siren I hear getting louder?" EddieMulder wants to know who called the cops, but it wasn't the cops; it was the fire department. Her friend Sylvia and her idiot prom date -- "Berwood!?" interjects EddieMulder, with some truly awesome line delivery by Duchovny -- built this campfire, yada yada, and she can't believe she's telling him this. EddieMulder: "I can't believe you haven't told me before." She says she's seeing a whole new side to him, and she likes it.
EddieMulder turns things a little serious, reeling her in. "Do you ever wish things were different?" She wants to know what he and his earnest face mean. "The person you wanted to be when you grew up, when you were in high school. How far off from that did you end up?" Career-wise? Miles off target. But that's not what he means; remember, this is Eddie talking. "No, no, not just that. Do you ever wish . . . that you could go back and do it all differently?" Scully asks Mulder -- "Do you?"-- but it's Eddie that nods back, a very non-Mulder expression on his face.
He doesn't say anything, just scoots closer to her on the couch. Her eyes get all big for a second, like, HOLY SHIT. This is happening. Is this happening? This is totally happening. This quick little sigh escapes her lips, and he keeps leaning. This causes me to giggle madly.
He leans closer, and closer. His head is angled and his eyes are shut; he is confident. Hers remain open, wary. Not freaking believing what is about to occur. It is a beautiful, horrible, awful, wonderful moment.
Just as lips are about to touch, the door bangs open ( DAMN IT ) -- and, oh hells yeah -- the real Mulder bursts in, his gun drawn. She looks at him in wonderment and shock, and looks at Eddie with fear. It doesn't take her long to figure out who's who; she's a smart girl. Meanwhile, Mulder stares in equal wonderment and shock at what appears to be himself in between Scully's legs, his lips inches from her face. In 1997 when this aired, it was probably the best thing to ever air on television ever in the history of forever. Scully kind of yelps and pushes Eddie away, standing up to put as much distance between them as possible. The real Mulder just keeps staring, but EddieMulder sighs dejectedly -- foiled! -- and creepily morphs back to his potatoey self right in front of both of them. It's a good thing Scully's kind of drunk because she's probably going to need some excuse in the morning as to whether or not that just happened.
Cumblerland Reformatory, one month later. Mulder is visiting Eddie, who is wearing a bright orange jumpsuit and a trucker hat that hilariously reads "SUPERSTAR." He thanks Mulder for coming, and of course Mulder can't resist commenting on the hat, which Eddie explains his therapist makes him wear. "She says it's meant to bolster my self-esteem." Mulder wants to know if it works. Not really. "The other inmates just beat me up and take it from me. Which would be okay except that every week she brings me a new hat." I love this guy. Then he tells Mulder they've got him on some kind of muscle relaxant, so he can't make faces the way he used to, was that Mulder's idea? Mulder doesn't respond. Then he asks if Agent Scully's there, arching his eyebrow pervertedly. And you know this upsets Mulder in a way that is bad because he doesn't even say anything in response. Too many lines to cross, no way to repair the damage. "What did you want to talk to me about, Eddie?" And then Eddie says something very sad: "I just think it's funny. I was born a loser, but you're one by choice." Mulder's curious, what's he basing that on? The answer? "Experience." He leans forward, confiding in Mulder. "You should live a little. Treat yourself. God knows I would, if I were you." Mulder gets up and leaves Eddie, sitting there with his SUPERSTAR hat. And it is so right, on so many levels.
Out in the hallway, Mulder signs himself out. Scully is waiting for him and has obviously heard and watched the entire conversation on the monitor. Not saying a word, they walk down the hall. In the background, we see Eddie coming out with a mop in his hand to clean the floor. As he gets further away, Mulder fiddles with his sleeves, and Scully bucks up her courage. "I don't imagine you need to be told this, Mulder, but you're not a loser." He doesn't say anything for a slight moment, and then: "Yeah. But I'm no Eddie Van Blundht either." Pause. "Am I?" He looks over at her, but she just keeps walking straight. More fiddling, more silence. What else can we say? Everything is different; everything is the same.