[General // Best Character Portrayal/Best Sasuke Returns, Best Team Fic] Break Even

[ane_s_thesia]

Title: Break Even
Author:
paperninja
Nominator:
ane_s_thesia
Standard: General
Specials: Best Character Portrayal, Best 'Sasuke Returns', Best Team Fic
Rating: PG-13
Warning: None really. Rated mainly for language.
Spoilers: If you know nothing about Sasuke's betrayal, this is a spoiler-ish story for you



It comes to an end, because it had to come to an end of some sort. Sasuke anticipated that. He planned it all along. He planned on that end being his fist piercing through Itachi's fucking heart, mind you. But he planned on an end. He planned this. He was not wrong!

So in the end, Sasuke has to come back to Konoha. Here he is now. Back in his old genin apartment. The one that he had subsidized through some dreary village administrative bureau, since he was a useless, frightened seven year old, and he had no place to live. He stayed there. Why not? Where the hell else was he going to go?

It's still very clean. He finds the dust rags under the sink, exactly where he left them. He dusts off the desk, cleans the floors, shakes out the linen sheets and sets the futon out on the balcony to air out. It's as if he's never left.

He knew he'd have to come back eventually. Even though for a while he told himself he would not. That he would cut his own throat after Itachi was dead, and he would return to his family's side... and that was how he constructed something vaguely like a life. He had to keep himself going somehow.

A bit later on, after Itachi started to slip so far out of his grasp that it was becoming obvious, he thought that he would throw himself into exile. He would feel some bitter satisfaction from willfully depriving himself of his home. Or whatever it had been. He'd never been happy as a child in his father's house. He hadn't really been happy in the academy, in team seven.. anywhere. But it was all he had, so denying it meant something.

But in the end it made no sense. He was through with Orochimaru.

Or rather, the truth was closer to Orochimaru being through with him.

...and he doesn't want to dwell on the details. They're depressing to him, and that idiot medic the Hokage makes him see as a condition of his probation is always telling him garbage about depression, how Sasuke is at risk. Sasuke would like very much to just not have to care about this useless man and his nonsense. But the fucking Fifth won't let him go on missions again until he cooperates with his parole, so he has to grit his teeth and nod. And listen.

It's ridiculous. He's not depressed.

He's just a fucking failure. Sasuke does not have time or space or patience for any kind of illusions, not anymore. He’s had his fill of illusions from his drab little career as Orochimaru's playtoy. Now all he wants is facts.

Facts like, for instance, that he will never kill Itachi.

He will never kill Itachi.

Because he can’t.

And that also he's back here now, because there's nothing else to do, and nowhere else to go, and he's too much of a coward and a sentimental idiot to just end his life like he should.

"Suicide watch," the medic says, dopey with concern. Sasuke fantasizes quietly about rearranging the man's face.

If all this wasn't bad enough, Naruto won't leave him alone.

The conditions of his return are like the conditions of his probation, Sasuke doesn't want to talk about it. Naruto couldn't keep his grubby hands to himself, as usual. Naruto comes over daily to butt into Sasuke's business.

"Sasuke-chan!" Naruto gibbers in that irritating, cheerful singsong of his.

"Get the hell out." Sasuke growls at him. Then he's even angrier, because he said four words where one would have sufficed. "Out." he snaps, and gestures. Naruto is such an idiot that he needs all the repetition he can get.

Naruto is ostensibly older and wiser now. He has the support of the whole goddamn village, so allegedly he's a better ninja now. Sasuke, of course, still sneers. "Dead last." he mutters at Naruto, when Naruto looks over his stupid orange shoulder. When Naruto's just pulled off some too-flashy wind jutsu and looks at Sasuke for approval.

"You're still a fucking idiot." Sasuke snaps at him, as they leave the training grounds.

"Welcome back." Naruto smirks at him. Naruto knows it irritates him. He's back in the village, but he likes to cultivate a certain lack of active awareness of this fact. He can pretend, for instance, that it's really not his fault, or his doing, that he's here at all. He can pretend that Naruto just nagged and nagged and nagged him until finally he threw up his hands. This is better then the alternative. Everything Sasuke says these days, everything he does, all of it is just to show stupid fucking Naruto that Sasuke was not wrong. And Naruto certainly was not right.

But Naruto just can't take a hint, so Sasuke has to start really hurting him. Really hurting him. Anything for a moment's peace. This is the justification. And it makes sense, truly...

..until one terrible evening when he accuses Naruto of secretly wanting him dead, because that would have made it easier for him and his wife- his wife -Sakura.

He knows it's a cruelty too far the second after he's said it. No, even before that. When he's halfway through the sentence.

But of course he doesn't actually stop himself from saying it. And he doesn't change his hostile posture or his hard glare or show any flicker of regret. It goes without saying that he doesn't apologize...

And Naruto storms out, as he has many times before. But now something is broken, and really, Sasuke had no idea how to fix it. He holds the glare and the crossed arms and the indifference and the whole bullshit put-on until Naruto's stomped down the hallway and the heavy outer door has slammed shut. And then he forces himself not to pace, and not to worry... and not to think and worry and wonder, should he do something? Should he try to fix it? Should he just not care? Pretend he doesn't care? It brings on the goddamn panic attacks again and he thought he was beyond that, he thought he had recovered.

A horrible night. Rainy, cold, miserable late November. Sasuke is all alone, just as he wanted. He fears and dreads- and needs -Naruto to come back, bang on his door, demand to be let in.

But Naruto doesn't come.

Sakura doesn't come either, but that's a given now.

Sasuke can't sleep, and he'll be exhausted and even more bedraggled then usual for his meeting with his case officer tomorrow. As the wet night fades into a dreary grey morning, he tells himself that of course he doesn't have to do anything about it. Would he ever do anything? Ever? Of course not.

His terms of probation say nothing about his friends, or his team. He is not required to become their friend again.

And as it stands, he's not permitted to be their teammate.

So at seven in the morning, he forces coffee down his throat and showers for the meeting, scrapes the stubble off his face and rubs cold water into his bleary eyes. It's beyond him. That bond between them, that stupid fucking bond that Naruto never shut his stupid mouth about. The one that would last forever.

It's broken.

While the case officer talks... and talks, and talks, and talks, Sasuke repeats to himself, like a mantra I was not wrong, I was not wrong, I was not wrong. In rhythm and measure, beat by beat.

It’s hypnotic and meditative, and he wants it to sink into his subconscious. He wants to burn it into his superego or whatever crap the medic is always going on about. His fucking inner child or whatever... He was not wrong.

And it was right. If the bond is broken, then it’s right.

If Naruto doesn’t come today, like he did not come yesterday.. and if he doesn’t come tomorrow.. or the next day, or the day after. If Naruto never comes. If Naruto never.. It’s all right. It’s right. Sasuke was right.

Because.

Pick a reason.

Because Naruto always gets whatever he wants. Everything he wants. The girl he wanted. The recognition he wanted. The power he wanted, the skill he wanted.. everything he wanted! The way things are going he will become Hokage. It's not fair. But Sasuke will not let Naruto have this. Naruto has to let him have something.

So it was right to ruin this homecoming then, because if he didn't then Naruto would get what he wanted, Sasuke would have come home, they would be a team and friends and almost-brothers-- and Naruto would win.

You've won everything else he tells Naruto silently, as Naruto continues to not be there. Let me have this.

Still, he could argue that the team seven that was involved him spitting on Naruto and turning his back on Naruto, and just sort of uncomfortably shutting Sakura out. So this is a return to form. Doesn't Naruto want it to be the way it was? Isn't that what Naruto wants? If Naruto were here, he would say this.

He'd say this to Sakura, since he's not sure how he feels about her either, frankly. But Sakura is now twenty and no longer puts up with any shit from him. Make no mistake of that. It's Naruto.. Naruto who will take Sasuke's nasty little chickenshit attitude. Naruto who will both get in his face and let him get away with all kinds of horrible things.

Let me be right.

Another sleepless night.

Naruto will still do this. Naruto will come and get in Sasuke’s face, they’ll go and fight in the courtyard. They’ll smash one another’s faces in. They’ll hobble to the infirmary together to get bandaged up. They’ll have the same fucked-up useless pointless relationship they always had. It will be like nothing happened... nothing will have changed. Nothing Sasuke could do could ever make Naruto leave him alone. Naruto would never leave him alone. Naruto would always come to save him.

Naruto will come tomorrow. Sasuke has to believe this.



Sakura has to fix this. That's her job. What do you do when you can't fix it? What do you do? Finding out what to do... doing it somehow, doing something... That's her job too. She's not in the habit of acknowledging death or just letting it happen.

Doing nothing isn't an option. She has to get down in the blood and agony and shattered bone and somehow put it all back together.

A thankless job. A necessary job. She is the brains of team seven, the one who gets it's headaches. Naruto is it's heart. Sasuke? Well, Sasuke is it's wound. It's constant wound. Fatal or not, bleeding or not. Frustrating her. But she has to fight on anyway, right to the bloodied flat-line end. She can't wash her hands of this.

Not just because of her calling now, which changes everything about who and what she used to be. Now saving people and pulling them back from the brink is a religion. It's a Buddhist teaching. It's a hard science. And not just that... It's because Naruto is Sakura’s husband. And because Naruto is hurting. Because Naruto isn’t the only one hurting. Because Sakura has always had to hold the two volatile edges of team seven together. Because she’s the voice of reason. Because of all of this. Sasuke is Sakura's problem now- she can't just do nothing.

She has all her clinical education and skill to diagnose him. Heal him. But it's for naught.

And there's actually a parallel, she thinks. There is a time when the doctor just isn't allowed to heal the patient.

So that’s the framework she uses. That’s how she helps it all make sense to herself, because she most of all has had to grow up. She'd really like to be mad as hell at Sasuke. She'd like to love him desperately. She'd like to pour her heart and soul into that bottomless leaking wound, knowing the transfusion would just drip out another part of him, another open slash-mark, as he just stubbornly bleeds himself out. He won't even lift one damn finger to help himself. Sakura feels her temper heating up and she can’t afford to be this childish. She has to hold it together.

Someone has to rise above this. That someone will have to be her.

Sakura has to stand back, now. She has to do just that- nothing. She has to let Naruto and Sasuke handle their own problems.

Doesn't she?

It makes no damn sense. She can't get her head around it. She's bone-weary of this... all of this.

There’s a medical vocabulary for this helplessness. The confidentiality laws won’t let her go fishing for Sasuke’s file, but in her head it’s like the paperwork they give to the genin kids when they go on their first missions. She pictures his form. There’s a section with a box you can check off.

Do-not-resuscitate.

I request that in the event my heart and breathing should stop, no person shall attempt to resuscitate me. This order is effective until it is revoked by me. Being of sound mind, I voluntarily execute this order, and I understand its full import.

So on.

It even sounds like Sasuke. It sounds exactly like something he would say.

That’s one reason. That’s the framework Sakura puts it in. People choose for themselves, way back when they first step into their teams. They choose. Save me, or don’t save me. Check the box or not.

And Sakura has had it, had it with Sasuke. She knows exactly when it may have happened. Was it when Naruto limped home from a run-in with the latest Akatsuki psychotic? This one had tried to gut him down the margin of the spiral-seal, as if to yank the Kyuubi from his flesh. Or so Sakura thought.

Turned out that he'd run into Sasuke instead, Sasuke's blade had been in the crossfire, one of those Akatsuki crazies had been Uchiha Itachi. Maybe Sasuke was hot on his brother's trail, and maybe he lost his obsessive battle. Maybe he needed a consolation prize, a chance to carve up her husband instead? Sasuke had split Naruto open, almost killed him, and for what? What? Fun?

So Sakura has had it with Sasuke. She's a trained clinician now. She could explain it any way you wanted. She just ran out of patience. She wasn't like Naruto. Time... love, compassion, energy, her ability to give life and healing back into shattered bones and flesh, mend ruined limbs back together, all of that: it’s finite. She has to decide where that energy will go. She can’t waste it. She can’t throw good energy after bad, losing her whole day’s chakra fighting to bring back someone who will just lie down and die anyway.

In particular.. in particular.. if that person does it on damn purpose.

So Sakura has had it.

So, when Naruto comes home furious and bloodied, his nose smashed across his face, she knows exactly what's happened. Even if she couldn't spot the exact likeness of Sasuke's knuckles in burst capillaries on her husband's face. She heals it and washes the blood away. She puts Naruto to bed and gets him some painkillers for the residual soft tissue damage. She goes on as she has before, calm and collected, because Naruto is still putting up with Sasuke and someone has to keep Sasuke from destroying everything. That person will be Sakura. She's ready to be the heavy now. She has to make tough choices all the time. This is how their team works, Naruto is it's heart and she's it's cold logical brain. She makes tea for herself and Naruto, and tries to cheer him up. And it's all fake because inside she's seething and she has had it.

She knows where Sasuke is staying. Everyone in the damn village knows, Sasuke can't clear his throat without half the ANBU swarming on him. It's a shame, it's an everlasting shame and a blight on her team. She feels like she failed it, she failed Naruto, she failed something she should have been able to do. She doesn't grieve for Sasuke, she grieves for her sense of faith in her own ability to heal. She can't grieve for him anymore, she ran out of tears long ago. She just couldn't keep the lie going. She'd had it with him, he pushed her too far. She had to cut this damn artery, this team heart-connection, cut it off like a torn limb before it emptied her own heart and she just bled herself dry.

Had it. So she bangs on his door with the hard side of her fist.

To her surprise, Sasuke answers. He looks horrible, lank hair and bloodshot eyes. For a second, for one little second the medic in her reaches out and wants to know- is he sleeping enough? Is he drinking? He's not eating enough, he needs a good hit of sunlight too; and she has to clamp her discipline down on those thoughts. She can't afford this sympathy. He's burned her too many times.

And this time, he blinks like a startled nocturnal creature in the sudden spill of daylight into his darkened rooms.

Then his eyes focus and he says something, it might have been 'Oh,' it might have been disappointed. He slams the door in her face.

But Sakura is not quite the same girl she was seven years ago, when she begged him from the bottom of her heart. Her heart is pressed into service now, and her compassion is for the people who need and actually want to be healed. She leans in and speaks, close to the scuffed peephole and it's halo of chipped paint. "I can break the door down if you want." She knows he can hear her.

He opens the door. He doesn't even bother to scowl at her. The medic in her is less concerned about him not giving her the attitude, the usual Sasuke rudeness. And the heart in her is hardened from one too many slaps, just too many rejections. I'm sick of trying. She could say that to him. But there's no point.

She ends up just staring at him. And he stares back, paused in-between breaths. He's paused, it seems, between letting her come in or shutting the door on her again. She puts her foot in the door-jam, just in case. He takes that in with one cool little flicker of his gaze. His expression doesn't change, but.. this Sasuke, the Sasuke that's here now, home, is not quite the ice statue, the stone-faced little boy he was before. As an adult, his mask is starting to crack. His eyes give away bits and pieces now. She sees exhaustion mostly. And a kind of desolation. He's not the same. And it's a real pain, because she needs to stay focused. She can't afford to feel sorry for him. Hate is love battered into scar tissue. She needs her love and her strength and her compassion. She needs it for the people who need her.

So are you going to admit you need me?

He lets her in. Eyes down, almost guiltily, he lets her in.

He makes tea. She almost expects him to not do it right, but he makes it the traditional way, the whisk and the iron bowl-cups, and does it perfectly. She sits at his kitchen table and watches him. He works in silence. When he brings the cups to the table, he places hers near her, but not exactly in front of her. It's more to the center of the table, like he hesitates before any kind of connection, or closeness... and Sakura feels irritation again, and is relieved. She wants to say you're an adult, stop it. But maybe he can't help it. Maybe it's just the way he is. He was alone for so long. Maybe he's just socially broken and it would be cruel to yell at him for it.

"Do you mean to be rude?" she asks, too coldly. Too much annoyance in her voice.

But it annoys him too, and he frowns darkly. The same old Sasuke-frown, just the way it was. His dark eyes flicker up to her once, quickly. Then back to his cup. He takes one sip and manages to make it look disapproving.

But it will just crack her temper open if she has to fight to get a conversation out of him, so she falls back on her medic spiel. Are you sleeping well, Sasuke-kun? He frowns more, and sips and after a long moment mutters that no, he isn't. She asks why. He frowns. The conversation runs like a rusted engine, all popping gears and skipping beats and hesitance and reluctance to move at all. But he answers. Because he says.

"Because why?" she prods. This is new. Her being the authority, him being the guilty, smaller person, the one somehow always in the wrong.

"You're not my doctor." he mutters into his cup.

"Tsunade-sama says you need all the doctors you can get." Tsunade actually has said that, snorting into her own coffee cup in the morning when she and Sakura have time for chitchat. Tsunade has said it more than once.

And it irritates him, too. It seems to shake something loose in him. He puts down his cup and says to her, straight out: "Why did you marry Naruto?"

Abrupt and rude... but not quite the same old Sasuke rudeness. Now there's a hard line of jealousy in it. He's springing leaks.

She looks back at him evenly, at the signs of illness set into his tired face, his too-pale body. And the way he favors his left arm, he's pulled something in the right. He's not bothered to ice or rest it.. of course he hasn't. He's trained on it.. so stupid, does he want to do himself some permanent damage? Will that make him feel better? Sakura can see the shadow of swelling, the angry knotted tendon. And she can think of many things she could say to answer his question. Because we're in love. Because I love him. Because we need eachother. Because it worked for them, it still works, and they find a way to be happy.

What she doesn't say is Jealous? Because that's just too damn juvenile. She's not going to sink to that level.

"Because I love him." she says, finally, holding his gaze. She says it factually, because it is a fact. Simple unvarnished truth. She loves him.

Sasuke grimaces, silently. The elegant lines of his face crumple, then he smooths them out. His eyebrows raise witheringly. With a hint of ice he says "I see." Sakura hears the invisible question and takes pity on him. Indulges herself, at that.

"I still love you, too."

Indulges herself in the useless, unworkable, completely unhealthy truth.

She watches his reaction damn closely.

He tries to suppress it, lock it behind his eyes just a second too late. For that second, it spills out. And mostly it's anger. Anger, actually, that Sakura can't decipher. Whatever's going on in his head is coming from his own secret private world. He speaks, and she almost jumps, she didn't expect him to reply at all. "I thought you would be stupid enough to wait."

She snorts. Recovers herself.

"I guess you thought wrong." she says, coolly. Because here she is. The little girl he just didn't have time for.

Or maybe he really did like her a bit, sometimes she really wondered... but he still left, he still did all that horrible constant abusive crap to Naruto, and he's still doing it. She has diagnostic names and Freudian theory, psychological weapons to name the demons, the things he does. She can vanquish something she can name. She can call him on it, and she can make him face it. She's not helpless and lost anymore.. And Sasuke? He hasn't changed. And she has. She's put her life together. She's walking in the sun. He's drowning in his own fury. She allows herself one moment of that same old superiority. The kind that used to float around him like an invisible mist. They both know what's happened. They both know this power shift. They both know he's going wrong, she doesn't have to say it. He knows it.

He looks away.

And she feels bad, she feels like she just kicked a misbehaving puppy, let her temper get the better of her. Or, more accurately, she just hurt someone who is already in pain, who may not fully understand how much he hurts others. Or maybe, he's just in so much pain for so long that he's numbed to everything and just can't work these basic things out. She sighs.. and she sags her shoulders forward slightly. Her hair trails down her face and slowly swings over the immaculately clean tabletop. If it was anyone else, then she'd apologize. But she has her limits.

She just changes the subject. She comes right to the point. "What did you say to Naruto?"

He gets up and reaches for her empty teacup.

She grabs it before he can, and makes it look nonchalant.. and slow... and elegant. Unconcerned. There's a weird polarity between them now, their roles flip without warning, like little schisms in gravity.

He just takes his own cup to the sink. As he washes it he says "None of your business."

The hell it isn't her business.

But getting angry won't help. She'll scream at him, or worse she'll cry, because this whole open wound in her team is such a damn shame, it's so useless, it's so preventable. It's so damn painful. It's weeping blood and sweat and tears every day for a whole eight years and counting. Sasuke comes back, but it's still not right. And he won't heal. He won't let her heal him. He won't let team seven heal. He won't let her.

"Stop it." she says to him. The way her mother used to say when she was fed up. Just stop it! She hears the same exasperation and anger in her own voice.

If he gives her any of that cool act, that averted icy little nose-turning, she'll get up and knock his damn teeth out. Try me, she thinks, not looking at him. Just try it. That moment, a million moments before, freshly now, she's sick of it. She's had it.

"I'm not going to let you do this anymore." she says to him, and looks down at her faint daylight shadow on the table, her cup wet with cooling water and speckled with tiny flecks of shiny wet green. His whole spin and span apartment, just a bit too obsessive-compulsive clean to be comfortable. She looks back up at him. "I'm not going to let it happen."

What's she going to do? What's she going to do about it? She doesn't care. She'll do something. She's had it, had it with this. She's tired of seeing Naruto fight so hard for his enthusiasm and to hold this relationship together. She's tired of stitching up Naruto's battered body and his bruised feelings and wiping blood and bruises away from his cheeks. She's tired of being scared that Sasuke is changing him, that the whole exhausting battle is just going on too hard and too long, that Naruto is growing emotional scar tissue of his own. Sasuke hurting her is one thing, she can take that. It's Sasuke hurting Naruto, open and silly and caring and fun-loving eternal-optimist Naruto. Naruto who has fought body and soul, nine years, for a man who spits in his face. She has had it.

No more.

She tries to feel nothing but anger, but it's useless. It’s still Sasuke. She loves him. She wouldn't be here if she didn't love him. She couldn't get this blindingly angry with him, if she didn't love him.. if she could just stop caring. Naruto is an open bleeding heart of connection and compassion, and she has to be the hardcase. She has to step in when it's time to just cut it out. When there's just no hope of resuscitation for the relationship... She looks at Sasuke and wishes she could just give him up as hopeless, beyond her help. Beyond all help. Just beyond them. She could stop then. She could let him go.

But she can never let him go. She's in love too. Just as bad as Naruto. Just as locked-in-forever, they are a team for the rest of their lives. Sasuke may want to smash those bonds and fade away, but he's one member and he's outvoted.

"Come home with me." she says.

She gets up and walks, slowly so he won't feel threatened, slowly up behind him.

She puts her hand on his shoulder.

He tilts his head sideways to glance back at her. "Bring it here." he says, meaning her cup. She brings it, and watches his shoulders and forearms move under his shirt as he washes it. He dries both cups, the pieces of the kettle, the whisk. He puts everything away, neat as pin, everything in it's place. Total silence. He doesn't even break breathing rhythm.

She stands in place, a bit behind him, and she watches. He turns to her. He looks back at her. His face is almost blank... flat black, but the eyes leak out something close to peevishness, or guilt. It's almost a pout. He then walks past her and to the front door of his apartment. He bends and puts on his sandals.

She follows.

And she takes him home. Her home. Back to Naruto... their cheap but comfortable apartment. Whatever warmth and comfort they can provide.

"I don't have to do this." he grumbles. They're just leaving the courtyard of his building.

She doesn't have to not break his nose, either.

He gets it. A sidelong glance from her is enough. He shoves his hands into his pockets and scowls, but he understands.

I'm not going to let you die, damn you.

Tsunade's words. Tsunade broke the do not resuscitate order. Tsunade taught Sakura to have a healthy disrespect of death and those who seek it.

Sasuke will fight her. For all she knows, the box on his form is checked. And he won't just let her shock his heart back to life that easily.

But she got one gasp of breath out of him. She can find a pulse. She can start to stitch him back together. His heart beats sure and hard in clean echoes through his hand. She’ll breathe life back into him yet. She's not going to let him destroy them and himself and the team and everything. She's had it.



Sasuke’s back in the village. Sasuke finally gave up Orochimaru and power all that twisted crap- Naruto got Sasuke back. Sasuke’s being an ass about it, but Naruto doesn’t mind. He got Sasuke back- he’s already won.

Right?

Right. Naruto knows that Sasuke always gets up ass-early, so Naruto hops out of bed before dawn. He almost falls on his face, because Sakura-chan has grabbed his sleeve. She tries to pull him back into bed, do that and cram a pillow over her head at once. But his beautiful Sakura-chan is the grouchiest and drowsiest person in the world in the morning, and Naruto's up with the sun, quick and nimble, always. He evades her. He darts back a few minutes later to peel back the covers and kiss her goodbye.

"You're letting cold air in!" she grumbles against the pillow, her eyes squeezed shut.

"I'm going to go see him." Naruto tells her, and kisses her again, kisses the words into her. Sa, Su, Ke, the syllables, one kiss for each. Three of them, a team, forever. Besides, Naruto has a plan. There's a stand in the morning markets that sells these weird foreign antipasto tomato pastries. Naruto has, of course, totally gotten Sasuke addicted to them. Naruto is going to show up with a bag of those suckers and Sasuke will bitch and scowl, but he'll damn sure let Naruto in. Sasuke never says no to tomatoes.

"See you later." he whispers to the warm blanket-tangle of his wife, her pink hair spilled all over the pillow. He high-tails it out of the apartment before she can get up and stop him.

Sasuke's digging in his heels. Naruto thinks it would fix everything if there was less tension, if he could just break it like taking a pin to a water balloon. Maybe if they just beat the crap out of one another, get it out of their systems. It's dangerous, there's history there and way too many bad memories. But it's worth it, and it may be the only way. Sasuke needs to have people kick his butt occasionally, it's good for him. The only problem is that it might violate his probation or something, but Naruto will pull strings. He can get Sakura to handle Granny Tsunade. She's a hardass, but Sasuke is just different, and Sakura is always different... and there's history there too. There's the sannin's dirty laundry. Tsunade will yell, but she'll push the paperwork through. Naruto will get away with it. It's necessary. It's such a kick that people trust his judgment now, he'll never stop loving it.

So Sasuke being Sasuke or not, there's a lot to smile about. It's going to be a bright, hard beat-down sunny autumn day. The air is already moving and whispering to him in his elemental language.. even the Kyuubi is just a distant ache, a smeared bloody fingerprint of chakra. Sleeping, maybe. Naruto always pictures the fox curled into a springy furry spiral of his own, all his tails coiled up snuggly to sleep. It kinda makes him laugh.. and there, in the fourth training yard, is Neji and Tenten, training, training, training as usual. The morning mist shimmers in the sunlight all around them.

And Neji is always a hoot to tease, so Naruto hangs on the fence and yells stuff at him, just for fun. Hey Neji, is that your girlfriend? This your idea of a date, you cheap bastard! Tenten turns her warm cinnamon-brown eyes to him and smirks, pinking a bit with exertion- and amusement. Neji just frowns, because Neji is a very serious person. Naruto can never have too many straight men to bounce off of. He just loves this whole village, the crisp leaves underfoot and the mixed smells of earth and electrical ozone from the power lines, the close heated air of downtown, all of it so much. The village isn't all happy memories all the way through, but it's in him, in his blood. He belongs here. He's part of it, and his blood remembers. It responds.

The Kyuubi may be a big scary demon, but what he is at heart is just a big furry lazy cat. Like all cats, he wants to sleep most of the time, lick himself for much of the rest and occasionally he'll jump around a bit. But not often. Sometimes he wakes up and is really cranky. But Sakura-chan in the morning is still a million times scarier than the Kyuubi in his worst snit, so Naruto doesn't really sweat the fox much. He's got.. whatchamacalit... perspective. Yeah, perspective on these things. Sakura-chan does that. She teaches him responsibility and keeps him in line, and he gets to make her laugh and convince her to have fun and just lose herself and all her worries to sheer pleasure. That's his role. It works. They work. He loves her to bits, and he loves this village.. and with so much love in the air, Naruto can't understand how anyone could be a big grump this morning. So he gets to Sasuke's door and knocks. Room service! Haha! Sasuke puts him in a sillier mood than usual.

Well, actually, it's more like Sasuke's such a grumpy bastard, and he has such a dark cloud over his head that Naruto feels it and has to turn everything up a notch, just to drown that gloomy stuff out.

Sasuke yanks open the door, all messy hair and the same drab blue-grey pajamas. All what the hell is wrong with you?!

And Naruto's like good morning, sweetiepie! And Sasuke flashes into one of his angry bitch fits, then spots the warm bag of pastries tucked under Naruto's arm- and yanks him inside by his collar.

"What's the magic word?" Naruto says to him, standing in Sasuke's dreary apartment, which totally looks like it belongs to an accountant, or one of those guys under Granny who just files papers all day, and lines all the paperclips and pencils in their desk up just so. Sasuke grunts irritably, then snatches the bag. Naruto shimmies off his sandals and makes himself at home in Sasuke's kitchen while Sasuke opens the bag and makes sure that the pastries are tomato pastries and not something else, something that might be interesting to people who like to actually live a little. People who don't like to eat the same thing over and over and over again? Sasuke moves around his kitchen in what might be a pretty cute and domestic way, if you squinted a bit and imagined him with an apron. He slams a cup of coffee down in front of Naruto, a plate of pastries between them, and then sits down gracefully. A spotless white porcelain mug spills a little streamer of steam, balanced perfectly in his hand.

And now they can talk, right?

Well, Sasuke's there. So yeah. You'd figure.

So Naruto drapes his arm over the backrest of his chair. "How's probation?" he says, conversationally.

Sasuke swallows carefully, takes a long sip of coffee and then replies, crisply "Fuck you."

"Sakura-chan's worried about you." Light and easy. Just a nice chat.

Actually, Sakura-chan’s mad as fucking hell at Sasuke, but whatever. She’s worried too.

A sneer, Sasuke's hair hanging into his face. Man, he looks like hell.

"No she isn't."

"Yeah she is." Naruto parries back at him. Like a tennis match.

"No."

"Yes."

"Dumbass."

"I know you are but what am I?" Naruto snickers, and almost chokes on a bit of tomato. He has to grab for the coffee, which is still a bit too hot. When he gets himself sorted out again, Sasuke is fixing him with one of his long-suffering hangdog why me? looks.

It's kinda funny.

"You look like shit warmed over." Naruto adds cheerfully, because this is how big tough guys like them show affection. Right?

Sasuke snarls silently. "Use a napkin, moron."

"The back of my hand works fine."

"Idiot."

"La di da." he says, smirking. Because this is just how it should be. Exactly this kind of conversation. Everything's okay. This is how Sasuke is normally.

And Naruto can handle that.

And he's got more problems, Sakura-chan is worried and angry... but Naruto can handle that too, he can hold his team together. Sakura doesn't come with him to see Sasuke, and Sasuke notices. Sasuke tries to make nasty comments about it, but Naruto has it covered.

Sakura hasn't given up, she's just angry. Naruto knows that, and he knows that they are a team- and that will never change. They still have to knock that fact into Sasuke's thick skull, but they'll get through to him eventually. Naruto figures that Sasuke will fuck around for a while, he'll scowl and pull his usual cranky crap. But that's just Sasuke. It's just the way he is. And really, Naruto was surprised when Sakura finally ran out of patience. To her it was a breaking point, but to him it was just what he'd expect. Sasuke pulled his shit- he spat on them and told them he didn't care about them. He even pulled his sword and tried to act like he was serious. But that was just the way Sasuke was.

And anyway, Naruto can't just give up on him. Sasuke is his friend, and that means more than any of Sasuke's usual act and Sasuke's bullshit. That's just Sasuke. And Naruto is going to save him.

"Save me." Sasuke says, on one of those morning meetings, since morning is when Naruto feels like visiting him. Naruto knows that if he waits, then he'll get involved with missions or training or whatever- the day will get away from him. So he shows up, and he bangs on the door until Sasuke lets him in- you'll wake the whole building, get in here- and Sasuke sighs hotly. And it's all just fuckin' theatrics. Maybe Naruto was fooled when he was 12 and he didn't have this sense of how people are just yet. But now he does, and Sasuke is toast. None of this whiny bullcrap is going to work on Naruto anymore, and he's pretty sure that Sasuke knows it.

"Save me?" Sasuke says again, this time all withering, his voice dripping contempt.

"Yeah." Naruto says back, and pulls a face, mirrors Sasuke's haughty little grimace right back at him. "That's right."

And Sasuke sneers and pulls his act, but Naruto just smirks right back.

"You lose." he says, cheerfully. You can't stop me anymore.

Sasuke really should be happy about that, that he won't be left alone to tear himself up anymore. And he's never really been alone, anyway. What Naruto has wanted to say to him for more than six years now is just that- you're never alone. They were alone once, both of them. But now, now they'll never be alone again.

"Because I won't leave you alone." he says to Sasuke, slurping the last of Sasuke's coffee- which he doesn't make nearly strong enough. He puts the cup back down on Sasuke's too-clean kitchen table, like Sasuke plans to carry out major surgery in there or something. "You ever get tired of cleaning this place up?"

And Sasuke scowls. And it's ok. It's really ok, finally.

"I already have saved you," Naruto says to him on the way out. After Sasuke's thrown one of his sandals at his head, which is kinda the signal that it's time for Naruto to leave. He ducks the other one and then snatches it out of midair. "You just haven't realized it yet."

"Out." growls Sasuke, standing beside his front door and holding it open. But Naruto doesn't really sweat it. This is just the way Sasuke is.

And things are going to be okay.

Like there was ever any doubt! Things will always be okay. Because Naruto just won't stop or quit or let up until things are okay, and he'll die trying if he has to. And he's never had to die yet, has he?

"Idiot." mutters Sasuke.

"Crybaby." Naruto says back, because this is the way they are, and when he catches Sasuke with red eyes, that's the thing to do. Make fun. He sure as fuck can't hug Sasuke, or comfort him. That's just not on. And he has to show affection somehow.

"Dead last loser," Sasuke snaps, and slams the door shut, having just let Naruto in. Naruto has to whip his shoulder and back foot out of the way to avoid getting clipped by the edge of the door. "You just never learn." He stomps off to the kitchen, and Naruto follows. They trade insults, and Naruto feels happier, because this is normal. This is Sasuke-normal...

..and actually, he's kinda starting to worry.

Sasuke with red eyes, Sasuke caught freshly crying. Over whatever, his family.. demons and past hellish things that are his alone, Naruto isn't going to touch that. Out of respect, he gives his friend space.

But still, it's not right. Sasuke should turn up his nose, cross his arms, inform Naruto coldly that no, he's fine and why would anything be wrong, stupid? And you're too stupid to help anyway, and you have more problems than me. That is, Sasuke's tough act. So where the hell is Sasuke's tough act now?

Sasuke just rubs the tears away and leans on the doorframe, the door's edge in one bandaged hand. He looks at Naruto with red eyes that are like black voids of despair. It's too much fucking feeling, it's almost too much for Naruto, and he can't face that much pain. Even if Sasuke would let him- which Sasuke never would. Why is Sasuke letting him see at all?

Naruto worries like hell, under his smiling face. Because this isn't supposed to happen. Sasuke's not supposed to get worse, start to fall apart. No. Sasuke is supposed to get better. He's supposed to wake the hell up, realize that there are people who love him and will put up with all his stupid snobby crap. He's supposed to fucking snap out of it.

Instead, Sasuke seems to be.. well.. drowning. In the bottle, or whatever. Naruto doesn't know the details. Sakura can't tell him, it's patient confidentiality stuff. All Naruto knows is that Sasuke is cracking.

And that's not supposed to happen.

It won't happen. Naruto isn't going to let it happen.

"There's no point in anything." Sasuke says.

"Yeah there is." Naruto argues, but he's still trying to keep it jokey, keep it from turning into a real argument. There's bitchy little fights, with Sasuke crabbing about stuff, then there's a real fight, with real weapons, intended to draw blood. No. Naruto won't let it happen.

And he waits for Sasuke to sigh, roll his eyes, or put on his act of suffering fools. That would be normal. That would be better than this.

But Sasuke just shakes his head, and stays slumped in his seat, in his too-clean apartment, which is starting to look like a vision of break hell to Naruto. Emptiness. Total nothingness.

"It's all meaningless." Sasuke says, and the hollowness in his voice is new and fucking scary, scary as hell in a way that Orochimaru's grasping claws and all the Akatsuki with their whacky-ass jutsu just never could be.

Naruto can't deal with this.

So he steps up that 'start a fight with Sasuke' plan real fucking quick.

He bangs on the door.

"Sasuke-chan!" he says, right in Sasuke's face.

"You can't beat me!" he crows at Sasuke, flexing his wind chakra. Strutting his stuff all over Sasuke's living room. "You won't fight me 'cause you're chicken!" And stuff like that, stuff that's always worked before. He waits and glances over his shoulder to see if Sasuke's getting all pissed off yet, Sasuke's getting ready to just growl 'fine!' Or better yet just snarl Naruto's name. Haul him out to the roof by the scruff of his neck. Call him a loser. Stuff like that. Anything.

But that morning, and the morning before it.. and the morning after it. In fact, a whole lot of mornings, and for a while, Sasuke doesn't even look up. He looks drained of energy, and Naruto almost wonders if the ANBU have strapped chakra leeches on him. He sees the empty bottles in the kitchen and he sees the dullness in Sasuke's eyes. He sees and he just can't stop it, nothing he says can seem to make a dent in whatever has Sasuke now. This bottomless depression. Sasuke looks right through him.

"It's all for nothing." he whispers.

"What the hell?" Naruto spits back at him, because he's worried and being worried makes him feel helpless, and that makes him angry. "What do you mean, nothing? You've got everything anyone could want!"

And Sasuke looks up dully, dark glassy-eyed, and all red from crying or drinking or both, probably. He starts his spiel about how nothing matters and everything is just nothingness, and how his parents died for nothing. There's no point to anything, to getting up in the morning, to trying, to living, to anything- and Naruto can't stand it. He gets up and grabs Sasuke by his wide collar and shakes him-

Waits and holds his breath and doesn't even know he's doing it. But he's waiting for Sasuke to get that irritated harried look, and frown deeply, and say something like idiot! Let go. Something. Anything. Anything but this. Naruto didn't fucking chase and take crap and go through all of that just to bring Sasuke back to the village- and have Sasuke slit his wrists or drink himself to death- or whatever. No. Naruto isn't going to fucking let that happen.

"I'm not telling Sakura-chan about this." he growls into Sasuke's ear.

Sasuke just hangs there passively in Naruto's grip. Naruto can't stand it, he shakes Sasuke hard. He jams his face right against Sasuke's ear and can feel Sasuke's body heat, his heartbeat, all of that. And he knows that Sasuke can feel him breathing down his neck, so close and inescapable.

"This is between you and me." Naruto says to him.

"You don't understand anything." Sasuke says, flatly. Angrily.

But it's okay. Because Sasuke being pissy and telling Naruto he doesn't know anything is normal.

It doesn't last, but it's a start, right? Naruto can chip this amour of despair down. He did it once, he can do it again.

So Sasuke keeps up his new act for a while. It really does go on for a while. And Naruto keeps on his case, since he's still a bit worried. He eyes Sasuke in his peripheral vision. Sasuke will let himself be dragged outside to spar, though. Naruto's master plan of picking a big cathartic fistfight with him isn't going so well, but it's going. Stuff is happening. Naruto will take that. He's used to taking the longview with Sasuke. But he will get Sasuke saved and happy and all of that- in the end. Sasuke starts up his crap- no point to anything, total nothingness of existence, blah blah- and Naruto just whacks him on the back of his head, where his hair is all messy and spiked. Sasuke glares at him.

"I'm trying to tell you to give up." he says, annoyed and frowny. Naruto laughs, a bit out of breath in the cool morning air. They're sparring. They're sparring and Sasuke's just acting annoyed and normal. He started his shit and Naruto shut him down.

"Why would I give up when I'm winning?" Naruto tells him, breathless and happy. He ducks the sharp left hook Sasuke whips at his chin. He's not just talking about the sparring match- though he is winning. "You need to cut back on the booze, it's making you slow!" he crows, dancing out of Sasuke's strike-range. Ha ha! He really does feel it's going to be okay.

"You idiot! All of these bad thing that happen, it's all just a big cosmic joke, you know that?" Sasuke shouts at him, after Naruto finally really wins, really gets them into that good hard fight, and all of the bad feelings are coming out and being purged clean.

"Yeah?" Naruto says back, just to keep Sasuke shouting, so they can get this crap out, and get past it.

"You're too stupid to realize it! You think you can actually change things!"

But all this existential crap, all of it, it's just steam that Sasuke has to blow off. Naruto knows that. Only one thing is going to matter when the smoke clears.

"I'm gonna save you," he says to Sasuke gleefully, later, as they climb off the roof all bloodied and bruised and perfectly fine and right, like they haven't been for so long. Both of them. "If all this crap is a joke- that's the punchline."

"You're such an unbelievable moron." Sasuke mutters, squeezing his eyes shut in sheer exasperation.

But he's lost, he's lost the battle to just fucking kill himself, rip himself to shreds, drown in his own agony- and he knows it.

Naruto just claps him on the back and laughs, relieved. He laughs mostly to cover the sheer relief. Dodged that bullet. Sasuke scowls- too slowly- to cover a faint smile.

Sasuke is still Sasuke, he pulls out the stops and starts digging at Naruto with words. Naruto half-expected it, it's pretty much Sasuke's speed. He shrugs most of it off. "So does your wife call my name instead?" Sasuke says to him, but Naruto just laughs in his face. Yeah, nice try.

"Sakura-chan says that you'd be more handsome without that dumb look on your face." he says back, and flicks pastry-crumbs at Sasuke's scowling dark-ass stormy frown.

"You don't mean anything to me, you aren't my friend," Sasuke tries, but Sasuke already admitted that Naruto was his friend-

"Valley of the End, fucker." Naruto reminds him, smirking.

-so Sasuke can just forget that, too.

But Naruto does get angry at some of it. They are a team, and Sasuke is his friend, and being friends means that Sasuke still can pull his chain. Sasuke still can hurt him.. and it does hurt, some of what Sasuke says. Hell, it hurts just to see Sasuke trying to hurt him. Naruto would rather just beat the crap out of him, or have Sasuke try to beat him half to death, that's easier to rationalize. Naruto prefers physical pain, thanks. And anyway, caring about Sasuke, caring for him, means that Sasuke can hurt him. But that's fine, he's not made of stone, after all. Being able to feel anything for Sasuke is good. He worried sometimes that he might give in. He might just run out of steam. Maybe Sasuke would... well, never mind, because nothing Sasuke could ever do could make Naruto give up.

That's right! he thinks to himself, walking away from Sasuke after Sasuke's said some really mean shit, and Naruto needs to cool off a bit before he can deal with him again. I never give up, I'm an idiot, right?

That's right.

And Naruto's been around Jiraiya enough to see what happens when you just hurt too much and let it harden your heart. Sasuke can hurt him all he wants, Sasuke can sink his poison fangs into Naruto's hand all he wants, Naruto is not letting go.

Sasuke escalates the nasty stuff he says, but whatever. Sasuke breaks Naruto’s nose one day, sucker-punching him out of nowhere- but whatever. Changes nothing. Naruto gets his way, he gets Sasuke angry and ready to fight, and gets them both out on the roof, ready to go.

Naruto loses the physical fight, he gets beaten up. Sasuke's faster than lightning when he's not hungover. And his hard, whip-snap punches still sting like hell, Naruto's so relieved he could kiss Sasuke, but he can't do that, so he just kicks Sasuke's balance foot out from under him. They yell insults and stuff at one another. Naruto limps home, bleeding, having lost the fight- but he's won, and he knows it.

And it works. The stars align, and Sakura's pissed as hell to see him all beat up. She snaps out of her own slow burn of anger and stomps off to tell Sasuke off. Naruto snickers to himself, having just been tucked into to bed and bandaged up and kissed all better by her. He fucking loves his wife, and now he knows that she'll make this better too. They're a team. Sasuke isn't getting away from them.

She hauls Sasuke's sorry ass all the way back home. It's their home, Naruto and Sakura are the ones who signed the lease, but it's home for all three of them. Sasuke pouts and crosses his arms. But he's lost. He can't mope and drink and fade away, not with Naruto and Sakura around.

"See? I can totally change things." Naruto says to Sasuke the next morning, at their own comfortably messy kitchen nook, with Sakura's medical textbooks all over one end of it, and one of Naruto's dirty socks hanging from one of the chairs.

"Idiot." Sasuke is busy wrinkling his nose and wiping down the counters, because Naruto and Sakura's apartment just isn't up to his standards, or whatever. Naruto snickers at him.

"Don't start." Sasuke grumbles.

"You don't want to fuck with Sakura-chan," Naruto tells him sagely.

"Shut up."

"I bet I'll come home tonight and you'll be vacuuming the curtains."

"Shut up."

But Sasuke's here and he looks better than he has in weeks. Like he's finally been able to sleep, tucked in between Naruto and Sakura, in their too-big bed, the one that just seemed too empty with the two of them.

Something was missing.

Maybe for Sasuke too. A missing piece that finally fell into place for him, the moment he allowed them to finally just bring him home.

"So why don't you tell me the joke again," Naruto says, since he doesn't have to tease Sasuke about snoring yet, he's got all morning.

"What joke? Idiot, shut up, I've got a headache." Sasuke frowns into his miso and tries to act above this whole conversation. Which is so normal that Naruto really could kiss him. Again.

"The one about the universe and shit and how nothing matters."

Sasuke sighs, put-upon. "What did I just tell you?"

But Sasuke's home- that's the punchline -and Naruto laughs in relief most of all.