some comparisons.
this is what made me realize it was time to end this.
dear chris:
i'm reading through this list and seeing so many things you do.
The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.
i can't be what you want. i am not in love with you, i don't want to be. i can't give you the physical affection you want.
and yet you bring it up again and again and again. you bring it up in ways calculated to make me feel guilty. you ask me why i can't love you, like it's my choice and my fault i don't.
you went off on me this morning because i called someone else from my phone last night, and i haven't called you once since i got here. like i'd done something wrong by calling someone else. like i'm obligated to call you.
i have to be available to text you back almost 24/7. if i don't text you back within a certain amount of time you text me again and again. "i love you" "are you okay?" "what's wrong?" "are you mad at me?" "are you busy or something?"
and if i say i just want some time to myself to NOT TEXT YOU you get mad at me and insulted and talk about how if i'm your friend i should be able to talk to you. all the time. there has to be a better reason than my own desire to text, that's never good enough.. you push me until i say i'm busy or make up a story just so you'll leave me be.
Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering.
you pretty do that entire sentence. whenever you're mad.
you demand things from me, not ask. "from now on we are going to be totally honest with each other." you make blanket statements that give me no out or way to deny them "if you can't tell me everything that means you don't trust me."
The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.
The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.
you threaten suicide whenever you don't get your way.
you also have to make everything into a huge deal. a text comes from your phone that you didn't send - "i'm gay, don't tell anyone"? instead of assuming it was your guy friend who we both know likes to fuck with people taking your phone to send it, you decide that it's the gay guy you turned down two weeks ago, and he's somehow paid someone in the phone company off to send messages from your number without having your phone.
Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating.
The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."
When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.
Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.
everything i say is wrong. everything i need to feel is wrong.
if you say "that makeup makes you look like a slut" and i call you on it, you insist that you weren't calling me a slut and you didn't mean it like that, and i'm making way too much out of a comment. anytime you say something nasty you then insist you just said it wrong, and i'm making too much out of it.
anytime you don't like what i say you say "it's whatever" and stop listening. if i push it past that you blow up on me. you give me the silent treatment all the time. "listen i just need to be alone for a while, don't text me".
it's gotten to the point that i sometimes doubt myself on why our relationship ended.
you were dating someone else, we were sleeping together, i started a relationship with someone else. i told you if that relationship went further i would not have sex with you anymore. a few days later, your girlfriend made you promise you'd never cheat on her and you told me you couldn't be with me anymore.
now you blame this on me. i get so confused. i know what happened but when you tell me it's my fault i don't know how to defend myself. it was my fault because i didn't try to fight for you? it was my fault because i started a relationship with someone else?
there have been times you've told me i was the one who ended it and i doubt my own memory sometimes because of that.
Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.
you've threatened to beat up my boyfriend when i make you angry. among other things.
you threaten to kill yourself - i think that applies again here.
Emotional Blackmail - The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.
This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.
you've threatened more than a few times to end our friendship.
you guilt trip me constantly. constantly. i am the reason you're unhappy, because i won't be with you. it's my not being with you that makes you want to kill yourself. six months and you still insist you're in love with me.
you also appeal to my sense of fairness - which is a total fail, the only one of your tactics that does nothing to me. you found out i'd slept with my ex when i broke up with my boyfriend for a short period of time and you got mad because "why can't anyone love me? why can you have sex with him? he can have sex with you and i can't even hug you for too long?"
you tell me i'm a bad friend. constantly. because i won't listen to your hours and hours of whining about not having me, not having love, not getting laid, everyone hating you, lying to everyone, hating yourself, your parents hating you... it's endless. i tell you to get over it and that this is mostly in your head and you tell me i don't listen and i'm not helping. when i won't hug you, when i won't text back when you want me to, when i don't agree with you - i'm a bad friend.
Unpredictable responses - Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.
An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.
if i say something you don't like you go off.
you react irrationally to things that shouldn't matter. like finding out i slept with my ex months ago on a break. you insisted it was because i "lied" to you about it by not telling you. but then you started ranting about it in a way that clearly showed you were jealous. it was months ago and none of your business in the first place. i am not with you! i don't have to answer to you or get your approval when i sleep with people!
you explode and i hate it. i try my best to not tell you anything more than the bare minimum about my life in case any part of it makes you angry. i dread the days you're in "one of those moods" and i know you will whine and moan and threaten suicide and get angry and i'll have to deal with all of it. i've stayed up til three in the morning before dealing with your fits., spent hours on them, and i hate it. when i tell you i can't deal with it you attack me for not "being there" for you. and then you beg and beg and beg for my forgiveness and tell me you love me and you don't want to lose me and you're so sorry.
it's worse when you're doing drugs. you've put me in the situation of being the one who has to try to keep you off drugs. i'm "the only reason" you're not doing drugs, and you hold it over my head. last night when you were angry at me you went and got messed up.
i know if i don't try to keep you from getting on drugs you'll start guilt tripping me about it.
Verbal Assaults - Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening
whore. slut. bitch. saying i sleep with tons of guys when you know other than one incident, i've been monogamous since i left you. saying i'm a horrible friend.
i can't even make a list of how many times you've done these things. constantly. every time you're mad.
and then you tell me you didn't mean it, and you're sorry, and i misunderstood, and "jesus christ i didn't mean it like that!"
i'm afraid to stop speaking to you. because i think you'll try to kill yourself to control me.
i can't follow my own advice in the past to people in similar situations and just call 911 on you. because i don't want to be involved in the melodrama.
this is sick and messed up and i'm sick of it.
i sometimes wish you would just kill yourself and stop. leave me be. i hate this, i hate how you manipulate me and control my life and the way you treat me. you used to be my best friend and you used to be the person who made everything better, but i'm starting to realize that you're only like that when you're getting your way. you're a spoiled child on the inside, and now that you're not getting what you want, you hurt me constantly every way you can and try to manipulate me into getting what you want - me being with you again.
an example of the conversation that's happening right now, as i'm texting you.
"we have a problem and that's what i'm thinking about"
i want to scream just from that text.
no, no we don't have a problem. you have a problem and you're now going to force me into accepting it as mine. and somehow, that problem will be caused by me.
"i don't know how to word it without you getting offended"
because my emotions are so irrational. apparently, i just get offended at anything for no reason. you say this kind of shit all the time. i'm not like that! i'm not easily offended, i'm not the person you try to imply i am! but dealing with you constantly is making me that tetchy, easily offended person.
my texts are not the length you want them to be because i don't want to talk to you. and you're pulling the same thing again.
"are you busy or is there something wrong"
why do you have to decide how i must be feeling? why do you have to box me in with your opinions?
i'm neither. i JUST DON'T WANT TO PLAY YOUR GAMES.
what the hell am i supposed to do?
dear chris:
i'm reading through this list and seeing so many things you do.
The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.
i can't be what you want. i am not in love with you, i don't want to be. i can't give you the physical affection you want.
and yet you bring it up again and again and again. you bring it up in ways calculated to make me feel guilty. you ask me why i can't love you, like it's my choice and my fault i don't.
you went off on me this morning because i called someone else from my phone last night, and i haven't called you once since i got here. like i'd done something wrong by calling someone else. like i'm obligated to call you.
i have to be available to text you back almost 24/7. if i don't text you back within a certain amount of time you text me again and again. "i love you" "are you okay?" "what's wrong?" "are you mad at me?" "are you busy or something?"
and if i say i just want some time to myself to NOT TEXT YOU you get mad at me and insulted and talk about how if i'm your friend i should be able to talk to you. all the time. there has to be a better reason than my own desire to text, that's never good enough.. you push me until i say i'm busy or make up a story just so you'll leave me be.
Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering.
you pretty do that entire sentence. whenever you're mad.
you demand things from me, not ask. "from now on we are going to be totally honest with each other." you make blanket statements that give me no out or way to deny them "if you can't tell me everything that means you don't trust me."
The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.
The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.
you threaten suicide whenever you don't get your way.
you also have to make everything into a huge deal. a text comes from your phone that you didn't send - "i'm gay, don't tell anyone"? instead of assuming it was your guy friend who we both know likes to fuck with people taking your phone to send it, you decide that it's the gay guy you turned down two weeks ago, and he's somehow paid someone in the phone company off to send messages from your number without having your phone.
Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating.
The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."
When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.
Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.
everything i say is wrong. everything i need to feel is wrong.
if you say "that makeup makes you look like a slut" and i call you on it, you insist that you weren't calling me a slut and you didn't mean it like that, and i'm making way too much out of a comment. anytime you say something nasty you then insist you just said it wrong, and i'm making too much out of it.
anytime you don't like what i say you say "it's whatever" and stop listening. if i push it past that you blow up on me. you give me the silent treatment all the time. "listen i just need to be alone for a while, don't text me".
it's gotten to the point that i sometimes doubt myself on why our relationship ended.
you were dating someone else, we were sleeping together, i started a relationship with someone else. i told you if that relationship went further i would not have sex with you anymore. a few days later, your girlfriend made you promise you'd never cheat on her and you told me you couldn't be with me anymore.
now you blame this on me. i get so confused. i know what happened but when you tell me it's my fault i don't know how to defend myself. it was my fault because i didn't try to fight for you? it was my fault because i started a relationship with someone else?
there have been times you've told me i was the one who ended it and i doubt my own memory sometimes because of that.
Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.
you've threatened to beat up my boyfriend when i make you angry. among other things.
you threaten to kill yourself - i think that applies again here.
Emotional Blackmail - The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.
This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.
you've threatened more than a few times to end our friendship.
you guilt trip me constantly. constantly. i am the reason you're unhappy, because i won't be with you. it's my not being with you that makes you want to kill yourself. six months and you still insist you're in love with me.
you also appeal to my sense of fairness - which is a total fail, the only one of your tactics that does nothing to me. you found out i'd slept with my ex when i broke up with my boyfriend for a short period of time and you got mad because "why can't anyone love me? why can you have sex with him? he can have sex with you and i can't even hug you for too long?"
you tell me i'm a bad friend. constantly. because i won't listen to your hours and hours of whining about not having me, not having love, not getting laid, everyone hating you, lying to everyone, hating yourself, your parents hating you... it's endless. i tell you to get over it and that this is mostly in your head and you tell me i don't listen and i'm not helping. when i won't hug you, when i won't text back when you want me to, when i don't agree with you - i'm a bad friend.
Unpredictable responses - Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.
An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.
if i say something you don't like you go off.
you react irrationally to things that shouldn't matter. like finding out i slept with my ex months ago on a break. you insisted it was because i "lied" to you about it by not telling you. but then you started ranting about it in a way that clearly showed you were jealous. it was months ago and none of your business in the first place. i am not with you! i don't have to answer to you or get your approval when i sleep with people!
you explode and i hate it. i try my best to not tell you anything more than the bare minimum about my life in case any part of it makes you angry. i dread the days you're in "one of those moods" and i know you will whine and moan and threaten suicide and get angry and i'll have to deal with all of it. i've stayed up til three in the morning before dealing with your fits., spent hours on them, and i hate it. when i tell you i can't deal with it you attack me for not "being there" for you. and then you beg and beg and beg for my forgiveness and tell me you love me and you don't want to lose me and you're so sorry.
it's worse when you're doing drugs. you've put me in the situation of being the one who has to try to keep you off drugs. i'm "the only reason" you're not doing drugs, and you hold it over my head. last night when you were angry at me you went and got messed up.
i know if i don't try to keep you from getting on drugs you'll start guilt tripping me about it.
Verbal Assaults - Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening
whore. slut. bitch. saying i sleep with tons of guys when you know other than one incident, i've been monogamous since i left you. saying i'm a horrible friend.
i can't even make a list of how many times you've done these things. constantly. every time you're mad.
and then you tell me you didn't mean it, and you're sorry, and i misunderstood, and "jesus christ i didn't mean it like that!"
i'm afraid to stop speaking to you. because i think you'll try to kill yourself to control me.
i can't follow my own advice in the past to people in similar situations and just call 911 on you. because i don't want to be involved in the melodrama.
this is sick and messed up and i'm sick of it.
i sometimes wish you would just kill yourself and stop. leave me be. i hate this, i hate how you manipulate me and control my life and the way you treat me. you used to be my best friend and you used to be the person who made everything better, but i'm starting to realize that you're only like that when you're getting your way. you're a spoiled child on the inside, and now that you're not getting what you want, you hurt me constantly every way you can and try to manipulate me into getting what you want - me being with you again.
an example of the conversation that's happening right now, as i'm texting you.
"we have a problem and that's what i'm thinking about"
i want to scream just from that text.
no, no we don't have a problem. you have a problem and you're now going to force me into accepting it as mine. and somehow, that problem will be caused by me.
"i don't know how to word it without you getting offended"
because my emotions are so irrational. apparently, i just get offended at anything for no reason. you say this kind of shit all the time. i'm not like that! i'm not easily offended, i'm not the person you try to imply i am! but dealing with you constantly is making me that tetchy, easily offended person.
my texts are not the length you want them to be because i don't want to talk to you. and you're pulling the same thing again.
"are you busy or is there something wrong"
why do you have to decide how i must be feeling? why do you have to box me in with your opinions?
i'm neither. i JUST DON'T WANT TO PLAY YOUR GAMES.
what the hell am i supposed to do?