(no subject)
We had an argument.
I really didn't want to. I want to live a tranquil life. I learned many things in the past five years, specially in the past 5 months since I got sick, but it seems this is my karma.
I don't want to fight but once again, I found myself in the middle of a fight.
I asked the pup if she wanted to come with me to buy some stuff I needed and it was near her house so she said yes. When I was at her place waiting for her to get ready, she started acting all weird but she wouldn't tell me what the problem was.
Since I was born without patience and I cannot read minds I told her I'd go to the mall and wait for her there. And that she should stop being so childish. With that I left.
Turns out she wanted me out of her small flat because she wanted to change and didn't want to do that in front of me (a pipe was being fixed and she couldn't get into her room). What the heck.
Long story short, we had a terrible fight over nothing and I DON'T KNOW HOW that lead us to a place I didn't want to go... I didn't want to talk about the past, I didn't want to talk about her and she asked why I was still waiting and I said I wasn't waiting for anything and she said "yes you are! you are always waiting for her to come back!" and I said that wasn't true, and that yes, I wasn't over her but I wasn't waiting for anything or anyone because even if my heart is still broken because I was never able to understand what happened or why she left I was trying to open up again and trusting someone again.
And then I said it was pointless because why would I trust her if she couldn't even tell me she was too shy to change in front of me (as if I would stare for fuck's sakes!) and the whole argument just reminded me of that night, that night years ago when my back was broken and she told me she had kissed someone at a party and I got angry and stopped talking to her. Oh why did I have to go go there!!!! But my fucking mind decided to bring back those memories just there and then and I couldn't handle it and started crying like there was no tomorrow. Because years ago I decided to waste a happy moment we were having together and just blew it out of jelousy. And at that time I was so fucking stupid I didn't realize I was jelous, I convinced myself I was angry because everyone knew before me. And it took me 4 fucking years to realize I was simply jealous, yes that's how stupid I am.
So... I turned around covering my face because I hate it when people see this weak side of me and the pup was just standing there next to me.
And I told her, I didn't want to waste time in petty arguments like I did all those years ago. I'm running out of time, can't you see?
I told her I was trying to forget, to let go of the past and she wasn't helping me.
But she is so fucking stubborn (and I know how stubborn and proud a pisces can get) and wouldn't reply but sent me this pic which said "if they miss you, they'll call. If they want you, they'll say it. And if they care, they'll show it. If not, they can't be worth your time because you're obviously not worth theirs".
She was standing next to me and sending me wp messages.
I calmed down. I said she was right. That in all these years I tried to get closure, did all that was in my power but failed. She hates me. And I still love her and miss her. A part of me will always do. And this is who I am. I accepted that once she walked away, she never thought about me again. She never sent me a fucking message, she just blocked me completely. She couldn't care less even if I died tomorrow. And those two or three times I tried to approach her she just raged and vented with all her friends speaking her mind (and clearly her heart) saying "what an awful person I was and how I tried to destroy her life".
If that isn't painful enough....
The pup said she can't compete with my past. I said "you don't fucking need to". And if you hadn't found that letter, you'd know nothing about her...
She asked me what I would do if there were to be a second chance. I smiled and said "you can be sure that will NEVER happen". And not because I don't want to.
We stayed together in silence for 20 minutes but I was tired. Gave her a hug and took the first bus home.
I got a message 10 minutes later. "you are still scared".
Fuck my life.
I really didn't want to. I want to live a tranquil life. I learned many things in the past five years, specially in the past 5 months since I got sick, but it seems this is my karma.
I don't want to fight but once again, I found myself in the middle of a fight.
I asked the pup if she wanted to come with me to buy some stuff I needed and it was near her house so she said yes. When I was at her place waiting for her to get ready, she started acting all weird but she wouldn't tell me what the problem was.
Since I was born without patience and I cannot read minds I told her I'd go to the mall and wait for her there. And that she should stop being so childish. With that I left.
Turns out she wanted me out of her small flat because she wanted to change and didn't want to do that in front of me (a pipe was being fixed and she couldn't get into her room). What the heck.
Long story short, we had a terrible fight over nothing and I DON'T KNOW HOW that lead us to a place I didn't want to go... I didn't want to talk about the past, I didn't want to talk about her and she asked why I was still waiting and I said I wasn't waiting for anything and she said "yes you are! you are always waiting for her to come back!" and I said that wasn't true, and that yes, I wasn't over her but I wasn't waiting for anything or anyone because even if my heart is still broken because I was never able to understand what happened or why she left I was trying to open up again and trusting someone again.
And then I said it was pointless because why would I trust her if she couldn't even tell me she was too shy to change in front of me (as if I would stare for fuck's sakes!) and the whole argument just reminded me of that night, that night years ago when my back was broken and she told me she had kissed someone at a party and I got angry and stopped talking to her. Oh why did I have to go go there!!!! But my fucking mind decided to bring back those memories just there and then and I couldn't handle it and started crying like there was no tomorrow. Because years ago I decided to waste a happy moment we were having together and just blew it out of jelousy. And at that time I was so fucking stupid I didn't realize I was jelous, I convinced myself I was angry because everyone knew before me. And it took me 4 fucking years to realize I was simply jealous, yes that's how stupid I am.
So... I turned around covering my face because I hate it when people see this weak side of me and the pup was just standing there next to me.
And I told her, I didn't want to waste time in petty arguments like I did all those years ago. I'm running out of time, can't you see?
I told her I was trying to forget, to let go of the past and she wasn't helping me.
But she is so fucking stubborn (and I know how stubborn and proud a pisces can get) and wouldn't reply but sent me this pic which said "if they miss you, they'll call. If they want you, they'll say it. And if they care, they'll show it. If not, they can't be worth your time because you're obviously not worth theirs".
She was standing next to me and sending me wp messages.
I calmed down. I said she was right. That in all these years I tried to get closure, did all that was in my power but failed. She hates me. And I still love her and miss her. A part of me will always do. And this is who I am. I accepted that once she walked away, she never thought about me again. She never sent me a fucking message, she just blocked me completely. She couldn't care less even if I died tomorrow. And those two or three times I tried to approach her she just raged and vented with all her friends speaking her mind (and clearly her heart) saying "what an awful person I was and how I tried to destroy her life".
If that isn't painful enough....
The pup said she can't compete with my past. I said "you don't fucking need to". And if you hadn't found that letter, you'd know nothing about her...
She asked me what I would do if there were to be a second chance. I smiled and said "you can be sure that will NEVER happen". And not because I don't want to.
We stayed together in silence for 20 minutes but I was tired. Gave her a hug and took the first bus home.
I got a message 10 minutes later. "you are still scared".
Fuck my life.