I'm only Me when I'm with you
Everyone kept on commenting about how cold I am. About how rude my language is. About how I hurt everyone around me with my so-called poison tongue. About how fake my laughter is. About how I distanced myself from the others. Many juniors are scared of me. Yet they dare to talk about me at my back.
Not only that, many of my band mates, my colleagues and my friends don’t get me. They don’t understand a single thing about me. They even complain to me about how I don’t open up to them and tell them about my problems that kept on bugging me, especially Yasu and Tegoshi, the spoiled-brats in Kanjani8 and NewS. They kept on wailing and begging and even used their best puppy-eyes, just to make me open up. Aside of them, my best friends... no scratch that. My two, idiotic, best friends, Akanishi Jin and Yamashita Tomohisa were always bugging me. Whining about how I didn’t trust them enough to spill everything out from my heart. Sometimes I wonder why I care and love these idiots so much. I’m not that stupid, am I?
Anyway, I can’t open up to anyone. I tried, really, but I just can’t. I kept on hesitating and fidgeting, battling in my head whether I should tell them or not, but in the end, I refuse. I control my attitudes. I act tough, even though I’m breaking inside. I was laughing, just to cover my sobbing heart. I talk rude to everyone because I don’t know how to talk sweet to them, don’t know how to show that I seriously care about them. I just can’t, except when I was with him.
It is still a mystery. How I easily laugh in front of him. How I cried freely in front of him. How I spill every problem that bugs me to him. I talk sweetly and trust him easily. I never hesitate to tell him about my life, about my problems, about me. At the same time, he understands me, he gets me. He is there whenever I need a shoulder to cry on. He’s there whenever I need to relieve my burden heart. He’s there whenever I’m tired and when I need some pampering. He’s there whenever I need a hug. He’s there. Always there, standing strong beside me all the time. The one who I love the most. The one who I will die, just for his sake. My true love, Ueda Tatsuya.
Of course he will break down too. But I’m there for him. We’ll stand beside each other strongly. We’ll love each other. We’ll be there for each other. We complete each other. I don’t even know how I fell in love with him. Something just clicked between us. Destiny, I guess.
I’m wondering how he did those things. How he made my heart beat faster whenever he smiled or chuckled. How he made the butterflies go crazy inside my stomach. How he broke my guards down. How he was able to tolerate my worst attitude. I wonder.
“It is love”, he answered one day. Maybe he’s right. It’s love. I don’t think that I’ll be able to move on when he leaves me. Just imagining things like that made me cry hard. He even caught me crying one day just because I imagined that he left me. He pulled me into his warm, tight embrace and caressed my hair. He said to me, “Never imagine things like that. Face the reality. Only death can pull us apart and never ever forget that. I love you and I can’t live without you. You’re such an idiot for thinking about things like that in the first place. But maybe that’s one of the charms that made me fall deeper in love with you.”
We pulled apart and he inched closer, and closer. Our lips sealed in a sweet kiss. No tongues involved, and I just can’t help but to cherish that moment.
Oh, how I love his lips, his smiling face, his pouty face, his angry and sad expression. I love his spoiled attitude the most, though. The way he was craving for sweets and ice creams. The way he cried whenever I left him, even just for a second. His sweet words after we made love are no exception. The way he scoots closer to my open arms and the way he jumps onto me whenever I come back from Osaka.
All of these things are still so mysterious to me. But there are some things that I do know. Hime, I love you so much. And I’m only me when I’m with you.